Their Brains Are On A Collective Potty Break

, , , , , | Learning | June 10, 2019

(I am working with my fourth-grade cub scouts on an outdoor activity involving cooking over an open fire, building emergency shelters, and learning the “Leave No Trace” principles for being in the wild.)

Me: “The first principle of Leave No Trace is, ‘Know before you go.’ What do you think that means?”

(The kids scratch their heads for a moment. Then, one of them pipes up.)

Kid #1: “Be careful where you go to the bathroom?”

(I just lose it laughing for about five minutes before I explain that it means to know what conditions you are going to encounter, make sure you are prepared, etc. After I recover, we go on to the second principle:)

Me: “The next principle is, ‘Choose the right path.’”

Kid #2: “To pee on?”

(I tried to steer things away from the bathroom. But the next two were, “Trash your trash,” and, “Leave what you find,” which, of course, the kids also managed to turn into bathroom references. I tried so, so hard to be the serious adult here. I really did. But I had to sit down and laugh while facepalming for about five minutes straight. My scouts are a great source of entertainment.)

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They Don’t Give You A Badge For That

, , , , , | Right | June 6, 2019

(I am a senior patrol leader in my Boy Scout troop, which basically means that I am responsible for almost everything in the troop. We have been having a standard meeting until I notice a woman with her daughter, around 17 or so, come into our meeting place. I think that they are simply the parents and sibling of one of our members, so I think nothing of it until the meeting closes and everyone packs up to go home.)

Woman: *marches over to me* “I want my daughter to join your Boy Scout troop.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Wait, what? You–“

Woman: “Exactly what I said. I want my daughter to join your Boy Scout troop.”

Me: “Um, I don’t think that is physically possible unless you know, your child gets, I don’t know, a gender switch?”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “You know, when someone doesn’t want to be a specific gender and they want to change—“

Woman: “I know exactly what a gender switch is, but that was nothing to do with that. I just want my daughter to join your Boy Scout troop.”

Me: *completely done by this point* “Uh, you know what the ‘Boy’ in ‘Boy Scout’ stands for, right?”

Woman: *blank stare*

Me: “Miss, are you—“

Woman: *irate* “This is unacceptable. I demand to see your superior.”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

(I call over my scoutmaster. The woman is absolutely nuts at this point, tearing her own hair and hitting the walls while my scoutmaster tries to calm her down. I start packing up my own things so I can go home.)

Woman: *screaming now* “THIS IS SEXIST. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WON’T LET MY DAUGHTER JOIN YOUR BOY SCOUT PATROL!”

(My scoutmaster is a retired Marine and is very proficient in martial arts.)

Woman: *SWINGS at my Scoutmaster* “LET MY DAUGHTER JOIN! LET MY—“

(My scoutmaster instinctively blocks the attack and, after a quick tussle, ends up on top of her while pinning her arms underneath her, making it impossible for her to move. Everyone is staring at her. One of the parents, who is a cop, walks over.)

Cop Parent: “All right, [Scoutmaster], no need to strain your back. I got it from here.”

Me: *to the 17-year-old girl* “Was she actually serious?”

Girl: “Yeah, she thought I was useless around the house despite being the only one in our family working, so she wanted me to join Boy Scouts. What a f****** moron.”

(Best part? The girl and I realized we went to the same high school and we started hitting it off. The second best part? When the woman showed up to court for attempted assault and disturbance of the peace, her daughter said, in front of her, “Frankly, she was always overzealous about other’s actions, but never considered her own. Personally, I think she deserves it.”)

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Popcorn Forlorn

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2018

(Just as Girl Scouts sell cookies, Boy Scouts sell popcorn. We sell many different kinds, including caramel and chocolate. One day, we are selling chocolate popcorn to the people entering and exiting a popular supermarket. Our Scoutmaster is away checking on another popcorn stand.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Would you like to help support—”

Man: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me two packages of the mint ones.”

(We don’t sell mint popcorn, so I am confused.)

Me: “But we don’t—”

Man: “Hey! I just want my cookies! Bring me my cookies and stop ignoring me! Do you want to lose my business?”

(Luckily, there is another Boy Scout at our stand.)

Fellow Boy Scout: “Look, he was trying to say—”

Man: “JUST GIVE ME MY COOKIES! IS THAT SO HARD? HUH?”

(My Scoutmaster arrives.)

Scoutmaster: “Is there a problem here?”

Man: “YES! THESE F****** GIRL SCOUTS WON’T GIVE ME ANY F****** COOKIES!”

Scoutmaster: “They aren’t Girl Scouts. They are Boy Scouts. And we’re selling popcorn, not cookies.”

Man: *turns to me* “And why exactly didn’t you tell me this? Are you trying to lose business? Maybe I would have bought the popcorn, instead, if I wanted it! Ever thought about that?”

Fellow Boy Scout: “He’s been trying to tell you that! You’re just interrupting him!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Man: “You’re making me confused! I demand two packages of each popcorn for free!”

Me: “No! You insulted us and now you want free popcorn? I don’t think so!”

Man: “FINE! I’ll leave! Idiots! You’re all idiots!”

(None of us ever saw him again.)

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Mint Thins Make You Anything But

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(My two friends and I are high school Girl Scouts, and we are selling cookies outside of a store.)

Me: “Hi, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

Customer: “Sure… I’ll have—”

Random Lady: *walking out of the store* “YOU GUYS RUINED MY DIET!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

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Scouting For The Saddest Joke

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 17, 2017

(My wife used to be a Boy Scout and was kicked out at 18 for being gay, before she came to terms with being a woman. So, I am surprised when she comes home with a box of popcorn the Boy Scouts were selling.)

Me: “This is the worst and least original joke, but is Boy Scout popcorn made from real Boy Scouts?”

Wife: “Yeah, it’s made from the gay and trans kids they kick out.”

Me: *pauses* “My joke wasn’t funny, but you didn’t have to make it sad.”

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