A Most Note-worthy Erection

, , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(I am about 16 years old. Our family is from Pennsylvania, and we decide to take a roadtrip to Florida. My siblings and I are riding with our mother in one van while our father follows in the second van with the luggage. We are on the highway passing Washington DC, and my mother begins to tell us how she went to school there and so on.)

Mom: “Okay, kids, look out to the left. We are about to pass the Lincoln memorial. Do you see it there off in the distance? And, oh, look! There’s the Washington monument. It’s that one sticking up like a penis!

Me: “Mom!”

Mom: *completely unfazed* “What? It looks like an erect penis.”

Me:Mom!

Probably Does A Better Job As A Statue

, , , , , | Related | September 28, 2017

(A relative of ours held a prominent government position back in the day. We are taking a trip to his home-town in order to learn about family history. There is a statue of him there, with a plaque below containing a biography. [Cousin #1] is seven, and [Cousin #2] is four.)

Cousin #1: “It talks about what he did before he was [Prominent Government Position], but what about afterwards?”

Cousin #2: “He was a statue, silly!”

Got The Time Most Of The Time

, , , | Friendly | September 7, 2017

(I am on vacation in Mexico, hanging out with some fellow campers. I have been at this particular spot for a couple months longer than them, and have gotten used to its natural cycles.)

Camper #1: “Oh, hey, what time is it?”

Me: “It’s…” *I look at the sky, hold up an arm, and judge the distance between it and one of the constellations.* “…about 10 o’clock.”

Camper #2: “I’m going to check that, and if you’re right, that’s awesome.” *looks at his cellphone* “It’s 10:07! Wicked!”

(Over time, I got less accurate, since the position of stars change throughout the year, but my estimates were still within an hour of the actual time.)

Engaging With The Sister-In-Law

, , , , , | Related | August 15, 2017

(We are having a girls only weekend away with my sisters-in-law and the oldest nieces, including one nephew’s fiancée. The beach house we are staying at is next to a boy’s party house. All of the nieces end up partying on the beach with the boys.)

Niece: *coming into the bedroom we are all sharing* “What are you doing in bed, [Fiancée]? You should be out partying with us. You might meet a nice boy!”

Fiancée: “Meet a nice boy? No, thanks, I’ll stay here.”

Niece: “Oh, are you sure? The boys are great; you could have so much fun.”

Fiancée: “I. Am. Engaged. To. Your. Brother.”

Niece: *shrugs* “Oh, well, are you sure?”

Fiancée: “YOUR. BROTHER. ENGAGED.”

Niece: “Oh. Okay.”

Trash Talking Long Distance

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(My family and I are on vacation. We also own a garbage company.)

Me: “Hey, mom, your phone is ringing.”

Mom: *picks up phone* “Hello, this is [Mom].”

Customer: “Why the h*** didn’t you pick up my garbage?”

Mom: “I’m sorry, we are on vacation and have someone different driving. He may just be running late.”

Customer: “I don’t care what’s happening. Get my garbage picked up right now, b****!”

Mom: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you because I’m 1000 miles away.”

Customer: “Come get my f******* trash!”

(This continues for about 30 minutes.)

Customer: “Listen, if you don’t come get my trash right now I’m going to quit with your service.”

Mom: “Fine, we don’t need a customer like you anyway. Thanks for ruining my f****** vacation.” *hangs up*

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