Well-Endowed With Dad Jokes

, , , | Related | November 29, 2017

(My dad often makes this joke when we stop at rest areas on family trips. The urinals at these rest stops are usually the kind that stretch all the way to the floor and have the standard pool of water in them.)

Dad: *taking the urinal right next to me despite others being open* “Woah! That water is cold!

Avoiding Deadpool

, , , , , | Hopeless | November 25, 2017

On holiday, beside the pool, my partner slipped on the marble poolside. While I am a qualified first aider, I am disabled, and was therefore unable to move to get supplies as I was not in my wheelchair. Luckily, I was close to where my partner fell.

Immediately after he fell, three or four people came to us. One brought towels to stop the bleeding as there was an awful lot of blood from his head wound, another found the first aid kit, and a third found the resort first aider. It was obvious my partner needed an ambulance, and that was arranged. While we waited, I needed to collect passports and visas for insurance purposes, and this man who we had never met before, another holiday maker, held my partner’s head together and staunched the bleeding while someone else helped me to my wheelchair so I could collect the necessities.

When I arrived back at the scene, I found just a pool of blood; my partner had been transferred to the ambulance, strangers had gathered our things into bags and put them in the ambulance for us, and they stayed to help get me and my wheelchair into the ambulance and even offered to come to the hospital with us to help at the other end.

The fact that these strangers were willing to get covered in blood and take time out of their holiday to help us made the experience much less terrifying, and meant I was actually able to get my partner the treatment he needed and come to the hospital with him.

His head injury was less severe than it appeared, but he still needed surgery. He came back to the hotel with me and was recovering well when the strangers who helped us came to check in and see how he was doing.

The moment in the ambulance when that stranger clasped my hand and told me it would be fine made me believe in humanity again.

Have Lunch Or Be Lunch

, , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2017

My family has always loved the sea, and we’ve always had a boat, travelling around New Zealand during weekends and holidays. Growing up, my siblings and I loved to swim off the boat whenever it was anchored, and we often proved difficult to persuade out of the water, causing our mother to go hoarse as she yelled over the waves for us to come in.

The year I was 12, we were anchored in the Hauraki Gulf which is around the top of NZ’s North Island. My siblings and I decided we’d have one more swim before lunch. I was wearing a snorkel and a mask and although I could hear Mum calling us in for lunch, I decided to take one more dive. I dove and resurfaced a couple of times, moving away from the boat. On my third dive, I turned up the right way, floating in a circle to see all the fish… and found myself staring into the face of a grinning great white shark.

Looking back, years later and with a degree in marine biology under my belt, I know now it was quite small — probably not even seven feet — which meant it was a juvenile. It was so close I could see each one of its ampullae of Lorenzini, the black marks around the snout. Every cell in my body was screaming in terror, but I had frozen in place. After regarding me for a couple more seconds in what can only be described as mild curiosity, the shark swam away on its business, leaving me to float, still literally scared stiff, to the surface, where Mum was standing on deck waving her arms in the air.

“Honestly, [My Name], you are such a dreamer! I’ve been hollering for you the last 15 minutes. I know you could hear me when you popped up! What do I have to do to get you out of the water, start screaming that there’s a shark around?”

Although that baby great white gave me the fright of my life, it sparked in me an obsession with sharks that has endured to this day. I studied marine biology at university and have a fantastic career in shark research. I’ve cage-dived with great whites in New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa. The first time, at Stewart Island in New Zealand, I was privileged to see a magnificent, 18-foot male pass majestically back and forth in front of the cage. He was truly astonishing, but as I gazed at him, marvelling at his sheer size and power, I couldn’t help but think back to the little, baby great white who’d started it all!

A Most Note-worthy Erection

, , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(I am about 16 years old. Our family is from Pennsylvania, and we decide to take a roadtrip to Florida. My siblings and I are riding with our mother in one van while our father follows in the second van with the luggage. We are on the highway passing Washington DC, and my mother begins to tell us how she went to school there and so on.)

Mom: “Okay, kids, look out to the left. We are about to pass the Lincoln memorial. Do you see it there off in the distance? And, oh, look! There’s the Washington monument. It’s that one sticking up like a penis!

Me: “Mom!”

Mom: *completely unfazed* “What? It looks like an erect penis.”

Me:Mom!

Probably Does A Better Job As A Statue

, , , , , | Related | September 28, 2017

(A relative of ours held a prominent government position back in the day. We are taking a trip to his home-town in order to learn about family history. There is a statue of him there, with a plaque below containing a biography. [Cousin #1] is seven, and [Cousin #2] is four.)

Cousin #1: “It talks about what he did before he was [Prominent Government Position], but what about afterwards?”

Cousin #2: “He was a statue, silly!”

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