I get a call from my manager on my first day of my vacation.

Manager: “I need you to cover tonight’s shift.”

Me: “No can do. I’m driving out of state, and I won’t be back for a week.”

Manager: “Can’t you start your trip tonight after the shift?”

Me: “No, I have to arrive at a certain time.”

Manager: “That’s really annoying?”

Me: “Yup!”

Manager: “…I’m out of options!”

Me: “I’ve learned that when a manager says they’re out of options what they’re really saying is that they’re the one who is going to have to cover the shift because they’re the one who is paid the big bucks to do so, and they can’t penalize any of their minions for not being available on their day off, and that p***es them off.”

Manager: “Well… it… it does p*** me off!” *Click.*

I’m working at the front desk of a local tanning salon. A customer walks in.

Customer: “I need a tan before my vacation tomorrow. Caribbean. I want to look natural when I get there.”

Me: “Great! We’ve got a few options. How dark are you aiming for?”

Customer: “Whatever level gets me from Wisconsin winter to Kardashian bronze in one session.”

Me: *Carefully.* “We usually recommend a gradual build; one session won’t get you there safely.”

Customer: *Waving me off.* “No, no, no. I don’t want a safe glow. I want to arrive.”

Me: “Okay… but going too dark too fast could leave you looking a little orange.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I just don’t want to stand out.”

I keep thinking this is definitely gonna make her stand out, but hey, the customer is always right. She goes in for the maximum setting and duration we can safely and legally provide.

While she’s in there, her friend comes in looking for her and seems surprised that her session is still going. She walks up to the room where her friend is tanning, knocks on the door, and shouts:

Customer’s Friend: “Hun! There’s a fine line between ‘sun-kissed’ and ‘traffic cone,’ and you’re sprinting toward it!”

The customer eventually came out very red. The tan will come in about 24-72 hours later, and I could already tell she’s going to be halfway to a new melanin category.

Customer: “Hi there! I’m going on my first cruise, and I need a suitcase that floats.”

Me: “…Floats?”

Customer: “Yeah! You know, just in case the ship goes down. I’d like to hold onto it, maybe paddle to shore.”

Me: “You’re… planning to use the suitcase as a flotation device?”

Customer: “Exactly! That way I don’t lose my clothes or my life!”

Me: “Sir, the only thing this bag is designed to carry is socks, not survivors.”

I’m about five, on a family vacation to Spain:

Me: *Looking out at the sky and clouds forming over the ocean.* “Dad? If there are rainclouds in Spain, does it rain?”

Dad: “No. Everyone knows hot sunny places don’t get rain.”

Mom: “John. You’re an AP geography and biology teacher in a high school. You really should know how wrong you are.”

Dad: “I have the degree, so I know I’m right. None of you can tell me otherwise until you have my level of certification.”

Mom: “…I really feel sorry for your students.”

I used to work at a space-themed restaurant in a theme park. The entrance included a dramatic journey is a space elevator that took you from the ground on Earth up into orbit. Once in the restaurant, you’re surrounded by giant ‘windows’ into space, showing the spinning earth below.

A customer (the dad of a family) approaches me as they’re leaving for the ‘elevator’ and asks:

Customer: “How’d they keep the gravity running?”

I laugh and stay in character, explaining that we utilize some science-fiction-sounding advanced tech.

Customer: “Oh, that’s really interesting. How come they don’t use that on the NASA space station?”

It dawns on me that this guy is being serious. Thankfully for me (and my ability to stay in character), it dawns on his family too.

Customer’s Teen Son: “Dad, do… do you actually think we’re in space?”

Customer: “Uh… have you seen the windows?!”

Customer’s Teen Son: “They’re screens, Dad. It’s like a giant screen.”

Customer: “What… really?!”

Customer’s Teen Son: “Oh my God, Dad!”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, dear… no.”

Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t be lying like that! That’s dishonest!”

Customer’s Teen Son: “And you think Sleeping Beauty is really sleeping in the castle we just passed this morning?!”

The dad is glaring at his family, but is silent. At this point, I would usually say “have a safe trip down to planet Earth” or something like that, but in this instance, I deem it best to just smile and say goodbye. As they’re leaving.

Customer’s Teen Son: “Let’s go to the Star Wars ride next. I wanna see if Dad thinks we’re really piloting the Millennium Falcon.”

Customer: “Shut up.”