Easter With The Mansons

, , , , , , | | Related | July 20, 2019

(My four-year-old nephew has had some speech delay issues, part of this involving putting pauses in strange places in his sentences. On Easter at my in-laws, he comes up to me, very excited.)

Nephew: “Auntie [My Name], I know what I want to be when I grow up!”

Me: “Cool! What do you want to be?”

Nephew: “I want to cut people open–” *pauses for a good ten seconds* “–so I can help them!”

(Turns out he just didn’t know the word “surgeon” and had come up with a fairly accurate description to replace that word. And while I was ultimately relieved that he wanted to help people and knew about his delay, I have to admit I was internally asking myself if I was going to be interviewed in the future about if I knew my nephew was a serial killer of some sort.)


, , , , , , | | Related | July 17, 2019

When I was about four, my parents decided to get a Pomeranian. This was the first pet I ever had, and my parents were very attentive, making sure I was gentle with him. After a week or so, they trusted me enough with him to leave us alone together, and we were inseparable. I loved playing with the little guy. 

My grandparents were over for dinner one day and I excused myself to play. I was running back and forth from one end of the house to the other, so my parents asked me to stop. That’s when they noticed I had a pillowcase in my hand. They asked me what was in it and I said, “Nothing,” and ran off giggling as the bag started to bark. My parents chased me down and wrestled the bag out of my hands, rescuing the poor Pomeranian from me. When they got him out of the bag, he had doll clothes on him with marker all over his face and paws as if it were makeup and nail polish. 

After giving me a huge scolding, they sent the dog home with my grandparents, where he lived out his life very happily. They decided to wait a while before getting a couple of labs, figuring it would be harder for me to bully a larger breed. Luckily, I grew up to be much more loving towards dogs, but my parents still won’t let me live it down to this day!

The Chicken Is Done, And So Am I

, , , , , | | Right | July 15, 2019

(My husband and I go to the supermarket deli to pick up dinner, and we get in line behind a lady picking out fried chicken pieces.)

Customer: “Are you sure that’s done?”

Deli Worker: “Yes, I’m sure.”

Customer: “It looks too light to be done. The outside should be darker.”

Deli Worker: “It’s done. It just came out of the oven.”

Customer: “Can you take out a piece to show me?” *to me* “Sorry this is taking so long.”

Me: *forces a polite smile*

Deli Worker: “Okay…” *takes a drumstick out of the hot case with tongs and holds it up*

Customer: “Let me see the inside.”

(The deli worker pulls apart the very HOT drumstick, wincing away from the heat several times in the process. The chicken is clearly white and cooked all the way through.)

Customer: “Let me see it.”

(The deli worker gives it to her. She proceeds to pick it apart and eat it.)

Customer: “I still don’t think it looks done, but I’ll take a dinner box.”

Deli Worker: *after the customer leaves* “Sorry for the wait. What can I get for you?”

Husband: “No worries. It wasn’t your fault.”

Me: *joking* “If I say the chicken doesn’t look cooked, can I get a free drumstick, too?”

Deli Worker: “I can give you a free sample, if you want.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

(We place our order.)

Deli Worker: “Have a nice day.”

Husband: “You, too. Hope the rest of the customers aren’t that difficult.”

Deli Worker: “Yeah… me, too.”

Me: “I think she used up the day’s quota of crazy.”

(After we check out, we hear our cashier ask another:)

Cashier: “What do I do with this box of chicken? The lady said it didn’t look done.”

Me: “Seriously?!”

The Biggest Crime Is Thinking Chow Mein Is Japanese

, , , , | | Legal | July 3, 2019

(A Windows scammer had been calling me every ten minutes for the past hour.)

Scammer: “Your Windows server is broken; we need some information to fix it.”

(I panic and start thinking of what to say. I am fed up with this guy and don’t want him to call again.)

Me: “Hiyaah!”

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hiyaah!”

(I see a restaurant menu on the table, and start listing Chinese menu items in the most garbled voice I can manage.)

Scammer: “What language are you speaking?”

Me: “Chow mein?” *exaggerated, then more garbled gibberish*

Scammer: *in the background* “Help, I think I’ve got Japan… What do I do?”

Background: “Hang up, hang up!”

(I didn’t hear from him again.)

He Just Levelled Down

, , , , , | | Right | June 10, 2019

(A customer comes up to my register with a game that’s priced at $40.)

Me: “All right, sir, your total is—“

Customer: “Hey, that game is supposed to be $20! Why is it ringing up for $40?!”

Me: “Well, sir, if you’d look at—“

Customer: “No, I don’t want excuses! I want you to fix it now!”

Me: “Sir, please, if you just look at—“

Customer: “Where is the game? That price tag said $20!”

Me: *shows game* “Actually, the game is labeled as $40, but—“

Customer: “You must have switched the games to show a higher price! I demand that—“

Me: “SIR! If you would look at the display, the game is showing up as $15! You are getting more of a discount than what you are asking for. If you are adamant about paying $20, then I would be happy to adjust the price. Do you want me to do that?”

(The man finally looks at the display. He goes quiet and his face goes red.)

Customer: *mumbling* “I’ll take the $15.”

(He was silent for the rest of the transaction, then snatched the bag and ran out.)

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