This Solution Is All Mouth, No Action

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

(The customer describes the issue, which involves needing to remote in to the computer to see what’s going on exactly. I get the information required and remote in.)

Customer: “It’s not doing it now. I’ve been seeing this issue over and over, and now that you’ve logged in, it’s gone away. What happened?”

(Having seen no issue, I use a figure of speech common to computer techs while half-chuckling.)

Me: “Eh, you probably just weren’t holding your mouth the right way.”

Customer: *pause, then surprise* “Can that really affect it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a figure of speech meaning that sometimes issues arise, and correct themselves for no obvious reason.”

Customer: “Oh…”

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She Uses The Googly

, , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners. This story is from my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [Supervisor]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having a terrible issue with my computer. Whenever I go to ‘googly’ and search for anything, all these nasty images come up of naked people.”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Let me make sure I understand. Whenever you go to Google and search for a term, you receive p*rnographic results?”

Customer: “Yes, sir. Every time I go to that ‘googly’ site I get all these nasty pictures of [male and female genitalia]. Now, I’m a good, Christian woman and I don’t need to be seeing all that stuff!”

(My supervisor is stunned, as this is a government computer and all such items should be caught by the filters. The supervisor decides to remote in, verify the issue, and run a virus scan.)

Supervisor: “Okay, ma’am, please show me exactly what it is that’s happening.”

Customer: *opens a browser* “Like I said, every time I go to ‘googly,’ I get all these nasty results.”

(The customer then went to “googly,” not Google, which turned out to be an “adult-themed search engine.” The supervisor corrected the customer by directing her to Google, instead, and verified there were no further issues.)

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Taking Out The Best Employees With The Trash

, , , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2018

Recently, our store’s trash compactor broke down. For the time being, management just had our clerks put the trash bags out in the rear lot on pallets next to the compactor until they could bring a dumpster in. This was all store trash, including things like scraps from our meat shop, sitting outside for two or three days in 90-degree heat.

Once they brought a dumpster in, they assigned two of the clerks to take all those trash bags and throw them into it to be taken away. One unlucky clerk went to throw a bag of meat shop trash in, and had it burst in his hands, splashing him from head to toe with rancid, raw meat and drippings.

That’s gross and unfortunate, but it got stupid when he asked to go home and change, and was told by the store manager to stay and finish his shift. The guy lived just down the road, probably would have been back within 20 minutes, and even offered to work past his shift to make up the lost time. But instead, they kept him working in those filthy clothes for another three hours. And he was told to do nothing but lot duty — something clerks are only supposed to do in half-hour increments in hot weather — the entire time so the smell wouldn’t offend customers.

He’s been one of our best and most reliable clerks — it says something that he followed orders there — but he put in his two weeks after that.

This story is part of the second Heatwave roundup!

Read the next second Heatwave roundup story!

Read the second Heatwave roundup!

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Bet You Dollars To Donuts That They’re Fighting

, , , , , | Working | June 3, 2018

(My mother and I have decided to get a dozen donuts from a famous donut store. They have a light that indicates when the donuts are freshly baked, which is on when we pull into the drive-thru. We order a dozen plain donuts, as well as one specialized donut for each of us. When we pull up to the window to pay and get our donuts, an employee sticks his head out and say:)

Employee #1: “So… our fresh donuts are just about to go into the grease, which means they’ll be another five to seven minutes. But we have a dozen ready that have been sitting out for about five minutes. Would you rather wait to get them fresh, or have a dozen now?”

Mom: “Oh, we can wait.”

Employee #1: “Okay! It’ll just be about five to seven minutes.”

(He takes our card and gives us our specialized donuts, which we begin eating. Less than two minutes later, another employee appears with a box of donuts.)

Employee #2: “Here you go.”

(He hands my mom the box and then disappears. The problem? It’s completely cold. We’ve been given the box that was sitting for five minutes. We stay at the window for a couple of minutes and [Employee #2] eventually returns.)

Employee #2: “Was there something else?”

Mom: “Well… these donuts are cold. The other cashier said that if we waited, we would get fresh ones.”

(She holds the box out, expecting him to take it back since we haven’t opened it or touched the donuts. The employee sighs deeply, clearly frustrated.)

Employee #2: “I wish he would have told me that. It’ll be a few minutes.”

(He vanishes. Mom is still holding the donuts.)

Me: “So… Do we just get these for free, or…?”

Mom: “I don’t know?”

(A minute or so later, [Employee #1] returns.)

Employee #1: *harshly* “I’m sorry about his ignorance. He’s new. You can have a free dozen. Your fresh ones will be out in a minute.”

(He disappears before we can say anything. On the one hand, we just got a free dozen donuts; on the other hand, what the heck just happened? When [Employee #1] comes back with our fresh donuts, my mom says:)

Mom: “This isn’t going to get you two in trouble, is it? We didn’t touch the other box, so you can just take it back.”

Employee #1: “No, it’s fine. Have a good night.”

(We left, still wildly confused at what was going on between those two employees.)

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Time To Make A Stand

, , , , | Healthy | May 9, 2018

(My parents and I are sitting in the ER waiting room, waiting for my mom’s test results to come back. It’s very early in the morning, and the waiting room is quite small, so the few of us in there are all within eyesight of each other, except one woman sitting on the other side of a pillar from us. We’ve been there for a few minutes when a nurse comes in, carrying an armload of cleaning supplies. She walks over to the woman behind the pillar.)

Nurse: “Where was that man sitting?”

Woman: “Oh, three chairs over from me.”

(You can see everyone in the room count three chairs over from this woman… where another woman happens to be sitting. As soon as she realizes this, she tenses up and the guy next to her recoils away. The nurse awkwardly approaches.)

Nurse: “I need to clean this chair. The man who was sitting there had an… um… accident in his pants.”

(She immediately gathered all of her stuff and moved chairs, whispering somewhat-panicked statements to her male companion about whatever it was she was sitting in without realizing. We were called back before her, but the rest of the time we were there, she was sitting on the edge of her new chair, trying to touch as little as possible. You know you’re having a bad day when you’re in the ER at 1:00 am and find out you’re sitting in a stranger’s “accident.”)

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