I work at the front desk of a hotel. The hotel is pretty upscale and sits on a marina. A happy couple checked in the night before their wedding, and I just knew they’d be a handful, but I still seriously underestimated them.

On the first night (wedding eve), they kept calling for maintenance because they couldn’t get the fireplace to turn on or the jets in the tub to work. (It turned out that the trick was to press “on”.) Then, the complaints of loud sex start rolling in, followed by complaints of heated arguing.

We all survived night one. The wedding day was here. They got married on a boat with mainly the groom’s family on board. The bride got so drunk that they literally ditched her a** at the marina. One of the dock hands found her, eighties dress and all, wandering the boat slips.

We sent security to help her, but they couldn’t find her. While they were searching, she stumbled into the lobby bare-footed, losing her s***, grabbing every guest who had the misfortune of walking by, and sobbing to them. She nearly ruined a guest’s Versace suit crying on his arm (unsolicited and very awkwardly). Luckily, he was a good sport.

Before security could make it back, the groom showed up. They proceed to have a public argument and make-up (with plenty of PDA) for all to see.

Security finally rescued me and got them to their room. The last of the fun was more noise complaints of loud sex and arguing. Security pretty much had to set up camp on their floor.

I’m sure they’re still happily married to this day.

My mother was a teacher at the same elementary school that I attended. This was back when you could have classroom pets, and my mother had a small rabbit (Dwarf Dutch) who loved to eat paper. I had a cockatiel who also spent the weekdays in my mother’s classroom. My bird also liked to shred and eat paper.

One day after school, I was doing homework in my mother’s classroom while she was in a meeting. I had both animals out. I stood up to sharpen my pencil, and my cockatiel took the opportunity to snack on the corner of my worksheet. I caught her quickly and moved her away from my work.

A little while later, I completed my worksheet and decided to take a bathroom break. When I opened the door, the brief gust of wind sent my worksheet floating to the floor. I, however, did not notice. When I got back from the bathroom, I found that the rabbit had eaten a chunk out of my homework.

When I turned in the nibbled-upon work, my teacher raised an eyebrow. Luckily, as a coworker of my mother, she was aware of my mother’s animal friends, and she had a good sense of humor.

She pointed to the big bites.

Teacher: “The rabbit?”

I just nodded.

Teacher: “And the little ones?”

Me: “My bird.”

Teacher: “…At least it wasn’t a dog!”

I work at a grocery store. This happens when the panic buying and craziness is going around, although there are no confirmed cases in this state at the time. I am bagging a woman’s groceries, and she is telling the cashier how nervous she is about the outbreak. She’s got rubber gloves on to prove this point.

All of a sudden, I cough slightly, not a big one, though. The woman gives me a look of horror and says, “Stay away from me,” and tells me to go bag somewhere else. I oblige, but she walks past me with her hands up towards me as she leaves the store.

I mean, if you’re that scared of an illness, just put yourself in a giant bubble.

(Lately, we’ve had an ongoing promo toy giveaway related to a recent major movie release. The toys are called “Marvel Micropopz,” and on the self-checkouts, a screen will appear before the payment options offering one if the purchase qualifies. The message is poorly-worded, and the whole promotion has generally been poorly explained and poorly advertised, so I’ve gotten used to explaining the same things to customers over and over. But when one older gentleman comes up to me after a purchase, his confusion about it really takes the cake.)

Customer: “Hey, there was this message about redeeming points on my register.”

Me: *ready to go into my usual explanations* “Oh, that’s a—”

Customer: “But it wasn’t my name on the screen. It said it was for Marv Mikropovitz or something.”

(I am leaving shortly on an international trip, and I’m leaving my two dogs at home with a sitter. A few days before my trip, my dog-sitter cancels due to a family emergency and I’m left scrambling to find someone to watch them. I’ve made arrangements for a woman from a dog-sitting website to meet my dogs the same day to make sure it’s a good fit. This is what happens after she arrives at my house.)

Me: “Thanks for coming over. I’ll let you meet [Dog #1] and [Dog #2] separately, and then together. They’ll be really excited to meet you; they love people.”

(I let them each out and then let them out both together. They sniff her, and she doesn’t seem to pet them or act interested at all, so they run off to play together in my room. )

Me: “Okay, so, this is the bedroom you’ll be sleeping in. They need to be fed twice a day and walked at least three to four times a day. I’ll leave emergency contacts for you in the kitchen. Do you have any questions?”

Sitter: “Look, I just can’t handle this. I’m sorry.”

(She then starts to cry. I’m really confused because the dogs have greeted her but not growled or barked, and she looks terrified.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Was it something I said? Are you okay?”

Sitter: “No, it’s the dogs. I’ve always had a fear of dogs, to be honest, and I thought this would be a good way to get past it, but it’s just not for me.”

(Thankfully, I found a sitter that didn’t fear dogs, but I couldn’t understand why she would advertise sitting services for an animal she is afraid of.)