Selfish Is As Selfish Does

, , , , , , , | Related | August 25, 2020

I have a compromised immune system due to an organ transplant, so leaving the house in the middle of a global health crisis isn’t ideal. Usually, my mother-in-law does the shopping for me, leaving the groceries on the front porch so I can get them after she leaves. My house is on the road between her house and the store, but I still leave at least $20 cash in a designated spot for her troubles, and she leaves my bank card in one of the bags.

This week, I asked for cold items, so she walks right into the house. I am surprised because she doesn’t even knock, but I take the cold items from her and begin wiping down each one before putting it away.

I wear a mask and gloves when I interact with anyone I don’t live with. It might be overkill, but I haven’t had so much as a sniffle since I adopted the practice post-transplant, so either I’m very lucky or it works. My mother-in-law, however, believes it’s all some kind of mind-control conspiracy from the government and refuses to “take it up the a** from the government d**ks.” 

She sees me wiping down a jug of milk, stops, and sighs.

Mother-In-Law: “This is a little ridiculous, don’t you think?”

I’m not interested in getting into this with her for the hundredth time. Neither of us is willing to budge and it only ends in anger.

Me: *Shrugs* “Did you get the cookies and cream ice cream? I don’t see it.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, that much sugar is bad for you.” *Quickly* “They were out.”

Me: “It’s bad for me and they were out?”

She waves me off and begins pulling things from the bags and putting them right in the cupboard.

Mother-In-Law: “The odds of dying are so low, it’s basically nonexistent.”

I grab what she put away and put it on the table.

Me: “Okay, well, thanks for going to the store. I’ll let you get your own groceries home. Is my card in one of these bags?”

Mother-In-Law: “It’s not really that bad. The flu kills—”

Me: “The flu kills people like me all the time. My card?”

She crosses her arms, my card in hand.

Mother-In-Law: “If you’re so scared, why are you making me do your shopping?”

Me: “I’m not making you do anything. [Husband] is away — on a job you convinced him to take because it’s more money now that I can’t work — and I’m here alone. For months. If you don’t want to shop for me anymore, I’ll find someone else.”

Mother-In-Law: *With a smug smile* “[Her Husband] tested positive two days ago and he feels just fine.”


Mother-In-Law: “He’s in the car! He’s not even near you.”

Me: “Get out now!

She throws my bank card on the floor.

Mother-In-Law: “Don’t call me to do your shopping again!”

I called my husband, crying and angry. He told me he would call her, but I told him not to bother. I didn’t want to believe that she would be so stupid and selfish as to expose me to a direct risk like that, but she did. I called my doctor, too, and she told me to go to the nearest testing facility. That was only a few days ago, so I’m still waiting on my results.

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Unfiltered Story #205749

, , , | Unfiltered | August 21, 2020

A customer comes in one night and orders a grilled lobster for takeout. His order is prepared, packed up, all is well. About an hour later we receive a call.

Me: [restaurant], how can I be of service?
Customer: Hi, I ordered a grilled lobster for takeout…
Me: Oh, yes, yes.
Customer: … and the lobster was boiled, it wasn’t grilled. I was wondering if I could get a refund or a new lobster.
Me: Oh no, I’m sorry about that, there may have been a mix up in our kitchen. No problem, you can bring the lobster back and our manager will sort it out for you and get you a new one.

Customer: I can’t do that.
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: I can’t do that. I ate it.
Me: You– ate the lobster?
Customer: Yes, I ate it all. Can I still get a new one?
Me: ……. one moment.

At this point, I just paged the manager over to sort things out for the man, all the while trying not to laugh that he was attempting to get a refund on a lobster he already ate.

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Paper, Plastic, Or Panic?

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2020

My mom and I are standing in line at the checkout when my mom says that she forgot to grab something and asks me to watch the cart for a minute. While she’s gone, the cashier finishes ringing up the customer in front of me. I am extremely shy, and I start getting very flustered as I unload the cart.

Cashier: “Do you want paper or plastic?”

Me: *Mumbling* “Um… I, uh…”

Cashier: *Patiently* “Paper or plastic?”

Me: “Yes.”

We both stare blankly at each other for several seconds.

Cashier: *Still patiently* “Paper or plastic, ma’am?”

Me: “Oh, um… plastic. Wait, no! Paper!”

My mom mercifully returned at that point and paid for the groceries.

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These Customers Like To Linger(ie)

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2020

I am working the registers at my store and the phone happens to ring when there are no customers waiting to be rung out. It is a male customer on the phone that sounds as though he must be at least thirty.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Lingerie store, Location]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was wondering what sort of stuff you carry?”

Me: “Well, we carry a range of items from cotton sleepwear, to lingerie, to bras and panties.”

Customer: “Do you carry anything for younger girls?”

Me: “Uh, well our main line is geared towards women in their twenties and older, but we do have the PINK line that some of the younger girls tend to like.”

Customer: “See, I was looking for some lingerie type thing. Could you tell me what you have?”

Me: “Well, sir, unfortunately, I can’t describe all of our options to you over the phone, but you are more than welcome to come in and take a look and one of the associates will be happy to help you.”

Customer: “All right, what’s your name?”

I’m more than a little bit creeped out so I give him a fake name. He decides he wants to come in to look, but he wants my help. When he hangs up, I get on the headset.

Me: “If anyone comes in asking for [Fake Name], they’re looking for me, but please let me know so I can go hide in the back. Thanks!”

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Dirt Made My Lunch

, , , , , | Related | July 27, 2020

My son’s girlfriend, who lives with us, has a bunch of pet hermit crabs who also live with us. She recently bought a new tank for them, but the pet store didn’t have the sterilized dirt and sand she needed for the bottom.

My son does some research and finds that raising the sand/dirt to such-and-such a temperature for some amount of time will kill all the bad microbes. He proceeds to fill two pans — one with dirt and one with sand — and bake them in the oven. The smell that results is… interesting, to say the least.

My husband comes home and enters the kitchen.

Husband: “What’s cooking?” *Opens the oven* “Is that dirt?”

Me: “Yep.”

Husband: “Why are you baking dirt?”

Me: “This is what happens when you ask [Son] to cook dinner.”

I let him give me puzzled looks for a good thirty seconds before I explained.

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