They’ll Get It… Slowly

, , , , | | Right | July 15, 2019

Customer: “Yeah, lately my Internet has been really slow.”

Me: “It looks like we’re not providing your Internet, just some email boxes. If your Internet is going slowly, it looks like it’s not through us.”

Customer: “Well… the email was really slow, too.”

Me: “…”

Unfiltered Story #115736

, | Unfiltered | July 3, 2018

(I get a call from a device technician about a customer whose download speed is apparently too low.)

Me: “Good evening, here is the DSL line support in [city], you’re speaking with [My Name].”

Coworker: “Hey there, here is [Their Name] from device support in [another city]; I have… Oh, he hung up.”

Me: “I got a ticket transferred, too, is this [Customer’s Name] with the complaint about download speed?”

Coworker: “Yes… and you’re going to love this. He doesn’t only complain about having only two Mbit/s in download, he also claims that our line runs through Dublin and this is why it’s so slow…”

Me: *after a pause* “So we did what, installed the line from Frankfurt under the canal, Britain and the sea over to Dublin and back just to tamper with his download speed?”

Coworker: “That’s apparently what we did, according to him. Although, he did admit himself, that he built a VPN-tunnel through Dublin… to play an online game, he says.”

Me: *cracking up* “Yeah I’m sure this is exactly what he uses it for.”

Coworker: “Um, if he uses it for illegal downloads, why through Dublin? I mean, EU laws and all, we could still track his IP if we’re of a mind…”

Me: “This one isn’t too bright… Well, still, let me see how fast his line is.”

(I do a quick test that shows me 5.80 Mbit/s in download. The customer is paying for 6 Mbit/s.)

Me: “Sorry, nothing is wrong with his line. And I suppose nothing’s wrong with his device?”

Coworker: “As far as I can tell, it’s working properly; his support function is disabled and he won’t turn it back on, so I couldn’t login to check for myself.”

Me: “Then it’s all on him… how does his home network look like?”

Coworker: “This is the best of all: he has an All-IP line, and it’s telephone outlet, router, bridge, another bridge and another modem, which is then connected to his machine via LAN.”

(This basically means that in the middle of his network are two wireless adapters that connect his main router to another modem. It’s a universal truth in the internet world that wireless connection just can’t be as fast as LAN connection, and it only gets worse with every device one installs between the outlet and the machine.)

Me: “…and so he’s calling us. I’ll write all of this down and close the ticket. Nobody beat him to set up his home network like this; of course it will be slow with those bridges. This is the first thing you learn at [ISP], and also from any YouTube video about this stuff that you can find.”

Coworker: “I know. But he demanded that his line be checked by you guys.”

Me: “Nothing there. No luck for him. I’ll be saying goodnight now, and thanks for making my night.” *at this point I’m losing it because it’s all so absurd and start to laugh loudly*

Coworker: “You too.” *laughs as well*

Unfiltered Story #114603

, , | Unfiltered | June 15, 2018

(I’m a second level in-house technician for the largest ISP in Germany. It’s been really chaotic for the last year because all customers have to upgrade their old connections to new IP-based connections, and all the telephones are upgraded to VoIP. And, because we have tens of millions of customers, it tends to get wrong sometimes, mostly because of a problem with the customers’ old DSL ports, but sometimes because of mistakes in our internal servers. My job is to take care of the customers’ DSL line, and if it turns out they have a problem with their hardware, I have to redirect them to the coworkers that are taking care of house brand routers or to tell them to contact their manufacturer. This customer has just switched connections and now nobody can call them, although they can call anyone; I check if the switch to VoIP has been completed and then make an exception and troubleshoot their router for them, since I have the same model at home and know it very well. This takes a long time, I’m already working twenty minutes past my shift end. It turns out the router is okay and their numbers aren’t correctly processed at our VoIP server, so I need to send a ticket to the guys over there to correct it. This particular problem unfortunately also prevents me from transferring calls to the customer’s mobile. The customer runs some kind of small business, but doesn’t have a business account. Also, I’m female.)

Me: … So, unfortunately, Ma’am, I can’t fix it, but I’ll send it to the guys that can right away. Sorry for all the trouble.

Caller: Alright, but this is ridiculous. Do I have to stay on the phone now and explain the whole thing all over again?

Me: It won’t be possible to transfer you via phone, because the colleagues at this unit don’t have a hotline. I’ll have to send it without a call and they will call you in turn.

Caller: So how long until they do?

Me: I can’t give you an estimate, I’m sorry, they don’t work with us.

Caller: So you’re telling me you can’t tell me? What kind of s****y customer service is this? I’m paying and I demand you fix it NOW!

Me: With all due respect, Ma’am, screaming at me won’t change anything. Now, if you let me just send your ticket over at the VoIP Management-

Caller: NO! I do not agree! You’re all liars and scammers over there, trying to rob honest people! You do know this is a business, right? I’m losing money right now because YOU DON’T WANT TO HELP ME OR EVEN TRANSFER MY CALLS!

Me: Ma’am, I already explained three times to you how your telephone works now and why this isn’t possible. Please stop screaming at me. I already took more time than needed into trying to fix your problem. My working policy states that I only need to take care of your line, which is stable; everything after that is on me, and I’m already twenty minutes overtime with your call! So please let me transfer the ticket over to-


Me: That’s what you’re doing right now!

Caller: You’re not a technician, you’re a dumb girl! You know nothing about this stuff! You just don’t want to fix it! I demand it to be fixed right now with TOP PRIORITY! And I will REPORT you for being so incompetent!

Me: First of all: you don’t have a business account so top priority is out of the question. Second of all, I don’t have to listen to this. *click*

(I proceed with explaining in the ticket exactly how rude the customer is so that the guys over at VoIP Management have an idea what they’re dealing with)

Coworker next to me: So what exactly didn’t she understand? You explained everything perfectly, and three times at that. My dog would have gotten it.

Me: I don’t know, man, she got so crazy in the end, she was contradicting herself. It was beyond my help.

(I don’t know if she reported me, in any case I didn’t hear anything about that any more. If she wants to make trouble, I have a reliable witness.)

Outage Of The Brain

, , , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(I’m calling my ISP’s customer service line to report that my Internet had gone down the night before. Everything goes normally up until right about the end of the call.)

Customer Service Agent: “All right, looking here it looks like there was an outage in your area last night right around midnight and that it came back online a little after two.”

Me: “Great, so we should be good to go, then?”

Customer Service Agent: “Yep. Now remember, in the future you can also sign into our website at [ISP].com where you can receive updates about outages in your area.”

Me: *thinking* “Oh, yes, I’ll just hop online to check why my Internet isn’t working.” *speaking* “All right, thanks. Have a good one.”

Internet Screaming Provider

, , , , , | Working | October 15, 2017

(We hire a bunch of college kids to fill in during the summertime when people are on vacation. It isn’t that big a deal; they just have to run down the script, and if that doesn’t take care of the problem, they transfer the customer to the next level. One of the guys is something special. He is studying computer science and he, “doesn’t need no script to help people.” I am eager to put that to the test. I create an outage report for a customer area in our training system and create a customer in that area that I can be. Then, I am able to live every support tech’s dream: I can be the a**hole customer to a smart-a** know-it-all.)

New Guy: “Welcome to [ISP] Tech Support. My name—”


New Guy: “Yes, what lights are on on your router?”

Me: *louder* “Don’t talk that technobabble with me, sonny. Fix my Internet!”

New Guy: “I can only help you if you tell me—”

Me: *even louder* “Sonny, listen: you fix my Internet or you’ll be sorry!”

New Guy: “So, what lights are on?”

Me: “Huh? One is on and one is flashing every now and then.”

New Guy: “Ah, yes, so we’re getting a signal.”


(By now, the floor outside is filling with coworkers who want to see what the commotion is about.)

New Guy: “Could you reboot the router for me?”

Me: *huffing* “Fine!” *rebooting PC* “What now?”

New Guy: “No, not the computer, the—”

Me: *back to yelling* “What did I tell you before? Don’t do that technobabble with me; just fix my d*** Internet!”

(I let him suffer for another minute, and since I’m getting kinda hoarse from yelling constantly, I eventually take him off the hook, not without him muttering that “nobody can help that stupid git.” He hands the headset to a female coworker.)

Coworker: “Welcome to [ISP] Tech Support. This—”


Coworker: “Yes, sir, may I have your name?”

Me: “[Fake Name]! NOW FIX MY INTERNET! Stupid woman probably doesn’t know jack s*** about the whole crap, anyway. Why do they even try…”

Coworker: *mutes me while looking up the relevant info*

(I keep rambling while I can’t help but grin inwardly. By now I have to gesture to the coworkers on the floor to shut up their laughter.)

Coworker: *unmutes* “Sir? There’s an outage in your area. Your Internet will return in about three hours. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(And then, Mr. I-Study-Computer-Science says the magical words that make the floor resound with laughter:)

New Guy: “Oh, c’mon. No customer is that stupid!”

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