Leaving Them Speechless; Quite A Feat

, , , , , , | Working | July 30, 2019

In 2000, I was a newlywed and a new mother. As finances were tight, my husband and I cut corners where we could. We accepted a free month of the local dial-up service, the only option at the time for Internet at our apartment complex.

The free month came to an end. I called to cancel, and while I gave a typical excuse of why I was going to cancel, I accepted a second month at a substantial discount.

At the end of the month, I called again to cancel. Thankfully, broadband was coming, so we definitely wanted to ditch the dial-up. The customer retention specialist, as usual, asked the reason for cancelling.

I told him I didn’t want to be on the Internet anymore. There was a moment of silence, followed by laughter and a surprising reply. I still find it funny, years later:

“Uh… there’s no response listed here for that reason! I’ll get this cancelled for you!”

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They’ll Get It… Slowly

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2019

Customer: “Yeah, lately my Internet has been really slow.”

Me: “It looks like we’re not providing your Internet, just some email boxes. If your Internet is going slowly, it looks like it’s not through us.”

Customer: “Well… the email was really slow, too.”

Me: “…”

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Unfiltered Story #115736

, | Unfiltered | July 3, 2018

(I get a call from a device technician about a customer whose download speed is apparently too low.)

Me: “Good evening, here is the DSL line support in [city], you’re speaking with [My Name].”

Coworker: “Hey there, here is [Their Name] from device support in [another city]; I have… Oh, he hung up.”

Me: “I got a ticket transferred, too, is this [Customer’s Name] with the complaint about download speed?”

Coworker: “Yes… and you’re going to love this. He doesn’t only complain about having only two Mbit/s in download, he also claims that our line runs through Dublin and this is why it’s so slow…”

Me: *after a pause* “So we did what, installed the line from Frankfurt under the canal, Britain and the sea over to Dublin and back just to tamper with his download speed?”

Coworker: “That’s apparently what we did, according to him. Although, he did admit himself, that he built a VPN-tunnel through Dublin… to play an online game, he says.”

Me: *cracking up* “Yeah I’m sure this is exactly what he uses it for.”

Coworker: “Um, if he uses it for illegal downloads, why through Dublin? I mean, EU laws and all, we could still track his IP if we’re of a mind…”

Me: “This one isn’t too bright… Well, still, let me see how fast his line is.”

(I do a quick test that shows me 5.80 Mbit/s in download. The customer is paying for 6 Mbit/s.)

Me: “Sorry, nothing is wrong with his line. And I suppose nothing’s wrong with his device?”

Coworker: “As far as I can tell, it’s working properly; his support function is disabled and he won’t turn it back on, so I couldn’t login to check for myself.”

Me: “Then it’s all on him… how does his home network look like?”

Coworker: “This is the best of all: he has an All-IP line, and it’s telephone outlet, router, bridge, another bridge and another modem, which is then connected to his machine via LAN.”

(This basically means that in the middle of his network are two wireless adapters that connect his main router to another modem. It’s a universal truth in the internet world that wireless connection just can’t be as fast as LAN connection, and it only gets worse with every device one installs between the outlet and the machine.)

Me: “…and so he’s calling us. I’ll write all of this down and close the ticket. Nobody beat him to set up his home network like this; of course it will be slow with those bridges. This is the first thing you learn at [ISP], and also from any YouTube video about this stuff that you can find.”

Coworker: “I know. But he demanded that his line be checked by you guys.”

Me: “Nothing there. No luck for him. I’ll be saying goodnight now, and thanks for making my night.” *at this point I’m losing it because it’s all so absurd and start to laugh loudly*

Coworker: “You too.” *laughs as well*

Unfiltered Story #114603

, | Unfiltered | June 15, 2018

(I’m a second level in-house technician for the largest ISP in Germany. It’s been really chaotic for the last year because all customers have to upgrade their old connections to new IP-based connections, and all the telephones are upgraded to VoIP. And, because we have tens of millions of customers, it tends to get wrong sometimes, mostly because of a problem with the customers’ old DSL ports, but sometimes because of mistakes in our internal servers. My job is to take care of the customers’ DSL line, and if it turns out they have a problem with their hardware, I have to redirect them to the coworkers that are taking care of house brand routers or to tell them to contact their manufacturer. This customer has just switched connections and now nobody can call them, although they can call anyone; I check if the switch to VoIP has been completed and then make an exception and troubleshoot their router for them, since I have the same model at home and know it very well. This takes a long time, I’m already working twenty minutes past my shift end. It turns out the router is okay and their numbers aren’t correctly processed at our VoIP server, so I need to send a ticket to the guys over there to correct it. This particular problem unfortunately also prevents me from transferring calls to the customer’s mobile. The customer runs some kind of small business, but doesn’t have a business account. Also, I’m female.)

Me: … So, unfortunately, Ma’am, I can’t fix it, but I’ll send it to the guys that can right away. Sorry for all the trouble.

Caller: Alright, but this is ridiculous. Do I have to stay on the phone now and explain the whole thing all over again?

Me: It won’t be possible to transfer you via phone, because the colleagues at this unit don’t have a hotline. I’ll have to send it without a call and they will call you in turn.

Caller: So how long until they do?

Me: I can’t give you an estimate, I’m sorry, they don’t work with us.

Caller: So you’re telling me you can’t tell me? What kind of s****y customer service is this? I’m paying and I demand you fix it NOW!

Me: With all due respect, Ma’am, screaming at me won’t change anything. Now, if you let me just send your ticket over at the VoIP Management-

Caller: NO! I do not agree! You’re all liars and scammers over there, trying to rob honest people! You do know this is a business, right? I’m losing money right now because YOU DON’T WANT TO HELP ME OR EVEN TRANSFER MY CALLS!

Me: Ma’am, I already explained three times to you how your telephone works now and why this isn’t possible. Please stop screaming at me. I already took more time than needed into trying to fix your problem. My working policy states that I only need to take care of your line, which is stable; everything after that is on me, and I’m already twenty minutes overtime with your call! So please let me transfer the ticket over to-

Caller: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! YOU LITTLE B*** BROKE MY PHONE AND YOU WILL PAY FOR IT! THIS ISSUE HAS TO BE RESOLVED NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A TECHNICIAN!

Me: That’s what you’re doing right now!

Caller: You’re not a technician, you’re a dumb girl! You know nothing about this stuff! You just don’t want to fix it! I demand it to be fixed right now with TOP PRIORITY! And I will REPORT you for being so incompetent!

Me: First of all: you don’t have a business account so top priority is out of the question. Second of all, I don’t have to listen to this. *click*

(I proceed with explaining in the ticket exactly how rude the customer is so that the guys over at VoIP Management have an idea what they’re dealing with)

Coworker next to me: So what exactly didn’t she understand? You explained everything perfectly, and three times at that. My dog would have gotten it.

Me: I don’t know, man, she got so crazy in the end, she was contradicting herself. It was beyond my help.

(I don’t know if she reported me, in any case I didn’t hear anything about that any more. If she wants to make trouble, I have a reliable witness.)

Unfiltered Story #104540

, , | Unfiltered | January 29, 2018

(I work as tech support at a web-hosting company. Some times we have customers turning up on our chat-support, who seem like they’ve never used a chat before, or aren’t aware they’re writing with a real person.)

(The customer clicks the chat button.)

Me: “Welcome to [company name] support; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I have an email address.”

(I pause, while I wait for the customer to elaborate.)

Me: “Yes? Can I help you with something?”

(There is a long pause, and then the customer disconnects.)