I’m a jumps coach for a high school track and field team. We’re at a long, all-day invitational meet. During the lunch break, the athletes and coaches play “I’ve Never” to pass the time, i.e., each person takes a turn making a statement like, “I’ve never been on an airplane,” and everyone who has done it is out — school-appropriate statements in this instance.

The throws coach is a very large man and also a Pacific Islander. One of the athletes thinks he has the perfect way to get him out.

Athlete: “I’ve never been Samoan!”

Throws Coach: “Ha! I’m not Samoan; I’m Filipino! I’m just fat!”

He ended up winning the round.

I was in a college marching band, and we did plenty of cheering at sports games.

One day, something very good for our team happened in a game — this was more than twenty-five years ago, so I don’t even remember what sport was being played — and one of our more enthusiastic band members turned around to face the crowd, which was already cheering wildly about the fantastic play. He caught them at the exact right moment, and his voice carried well. Our team was called the Tigers.

Band Member: “GIVE ME A T!”

Hundreds Of People: “T!”

Band Member: “GIVE ME AN I!”

Hundreds Of People: “I!”

Band Member: “GIVE ME AN R!”

Hundreds Of People: “…”

Band Member: “…”

Hundreds Of People: “…”

Band Member: “S***!”

He sat down, and then he stood up and shouted at the crowd one more time while they were chuckling.

Band Member: “I MEANT WELL!”

I am working guest services at a major league soccer game at an outdoor stadium during a hot day in the middle of the summer. A lady comes up to me, looks at the field, and starts the following conversation:

Customer: “So, they are playing soccer?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. How much longer in the game?”

Me: “About forty-five minutes.”

Customer: “Oh… So, when do they bring out the ice?”

Me: *Very confused.* “Ma’am, may I see your ticket?”

She hands it over to me.

Me: “Ma’am, you’re looking to go to the local indoor arena for the ice capades.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “…That’s, not here. This is a soccer stadium.”

Customer: “Oh, I just assumed it would be here, what with the lovely weather and everything…”

I’m an American who moved to the UK. As part of learning the culture, my friends took me to a soccer game, which they call football. The amount of jeering from the spectators was way more creative than what I was used to in the US.

Angry Spectator #1: “Check your answering machine, ref; you missed a couple of calls!”

Angry Spectator #2: “Hey, ref, how can you sleep with all these lights on?”

Angry Spectator #3: “Get off your knees, ref; you’re blowing the game!”

Angry Spectator #4: “Ref! If you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops!”

It was beautiful.

My dad and I are at an ice cream kiosk while at Wimbledon, enjoying the tennis.

Employee: “I’m sorry, our soft serve machine is down.”

My Dad: “Is your hard serve working?”

The employee shakes her arm around a bit.

Employee: “It seems to be operational.”

My Dad: “Yeah, I totally walked into that.”