Hell’s Opening

, , , , | Right | January 16, 2020

(I am working for security at a college football game, and part of my job is to make sure that all drinks brought into the game are unopened. This event occurs between me and an older man.)

Me: “Is that water opened?”

Man: “No”

Me: “Okay!” *steps aside to let him pass*

Man: *steps close to me* “How do you know I’m not lying?”

Me: *trying to think of a response*

Man: “I’d go to Hell, then, wouldn’t I?” *slowly walks away*

Me: *speechless*

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His Commentary Is Wide Of The Mark

, , , , | Right | January 14, 2020

(My dad and I are attending a game for our local football team and, as usual, it is more or less a sell-out. Visiting is a particularly popular London team and there are two fans behind us who seem particularly cocky about their team winning this game. During the match, things are neck and neck pretty early on, and at one stage, one of the opposing strikers is about to shoot the ball.)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s nailed it… It’s in!

(The ball sails wide of the post.)

Fan #1: What?! I was sure that was going in!”

(A couple of minutes later, the same player is about to shoot yet again.)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s nailed it… It’s in!

(The ball flies over the crossbar. Later in that half, the same thing happens yet again.)

Fan #1: “HE’S NAILED IT! IT’S…”

(This time, the goalie saves it easily.)

Fan #2: “Maybe you should stop f****** saying that, you idiot! 

(One final time, right before the end of the half…)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s… 

Fan #2: “If you finish that bloody sentence, you’ll be missing your f****** teeth! 

(My team went on to win four to nothing, and those guys were very quiet for the rest of the game.)

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She’s Running Laps Around You

, , , , | Romantic | October 5, 2019

(As everyone knows, when a man brings a sweatshirt to an outdoor event, it becomes the property of his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have season tickets to a local college’s football games, and every evening game that’s chilly, he’ll tell me he brought his sweatshirt, and I’ll respond with, “Great, but what are you going to wear when it gets cold?” That is, until this:)

Boyfriend: *smugly* “I got smart this time.”

Me: “Oh, you did, huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “I brought two sweatshirts with me. So you can take one and I’ll still have one.”

Me: *laughing*

(Fast-forward a few hours, and we’re in the stadium, and it’s starting to get chilly. My boyfriend pulls out his sweatshirts from his backpack and I quickly snag both of them.)

Boyfriend: “Hey! What do you need two for?”

Me: “A lap blanket. Thank you!”

Boyfriend: *resigned sigh*

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Learn To Bottle It To Get Those Tips

, , , , , | Working | September 10, 2019

(I’m at a baseball game with some friends, and on this occasion, I’m the designated driver. Before the first inning starts, I go to a concession stand to get a hot dog and a bottle of soda. Despite a man and his two kids making requests of the other vendor, the hot dog comes with no trouble. The soda, however…)

Me: “Excuse me, I asked for a bottle, not a fountain drink.”

Vendor #1: “The bottles aren’t cold.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll still take it.”

Vendor #1: “They’re not cold!”

Me: “And that’s fine. It’s liquid, it tastes better than the swill from the fountain, it’ll help break down any fat in this hot dog, and it’s non-alcoholic so I can drive myself and my friends home. Now, may I have a bottle of [Soda]?”

Vendor #1: “THEY’RE! NOT! COLD!”

Vendor #2: “[Vendor #1], that doesn’t bother him.” *hands me a bottle* “Sorry about that.”

Vendor #1: “That’ll be [total].”

(I pay, get my change, fish a dollar out of it, and go to tip like I always do.)

Me: “Oh, wait. You wouldn’t get my order. That was her. And she was busy with her own customers.”

(As soon as I finish, I put the single away, pull out a twenty, and hand it to [Vendor #2], instead.)

Vendor #2: “Thank you, sir! And God bless you!”

(I told my friends what happened before the game started. I went back to the stand three more times, but I still got [Vendor #2] two of those times, so she walked away with $40 in tips just from me while [Vendor #1] never saw a dime. My friends, however, decided to get all of their beer from that stand. While I don’t know what they tipped, I do know they followed my pattern. Based on how many times they went to get drinks, I can only imagine what she raked in from us. I also hope [Vendor #1] learned his lesson.)

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H2O Becomes H2-Why?

, , , , | Learning | August 25, 2019

(I am and have been a referee for two years. One thing I must watch for is if a goalie brings his/her water bottle to the goal with them in case they get thirsty during the game, and make sure the water bottle is behind the goal and out of the way. I am an assistant referee for this game and don’t notice the goalie has done this. The ball ends up hitting her water bottle. Of course, the team I am refereeing is U11 girls, so I don’t expect them to know this law, fully blaming myself for not telling her. During a water break, I politely tell the goalie to make sure she puts her water behind the goal so it doesn’t get hit by the ball.)

Me: “Hey, keeper, make sure you put your water behind he goal so it doesn’t get hit.”

(The goalie nods and does as I asked. A few minutes later, I notice what looks like her grandpa walk over to her and ask her something I couldn’t hear. She replies to him loud enough for me to make out.)

Goalie: “She told me to put it behind the goal so it doesn’t get hit.”

(The grandpa then mumbled something and walked to her water bottle, picked it up, and brought it over to the other side of the goal — opposite of me — and placed it so I couldn’t see it. I just sighed and knew I couldn’t do anything about it. The second half rolled around. The bottle got hit TWICE MORE. Please, listen to referees.)

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