So I Married A T-Rex…

, , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2018

(I am reading a book at home.)

Book: “…up to 60 percent of specimens [of tyrannosaurs] display evidence of face biting in battle, hinting at how the [deadly] infection may have spread.”

Wife: *spontaneously starts biting my lip*

Me: *laughing* “So, let me tell you what I was just reading…”

For Pirate Tech Support Call 1-800-ARRR

, , , | Right | August 14, 2018

(I work at a technical school where we sell courses and books on different software tools.)

Customer: “I bought your [Software] book and it was outdated! I wasted money on that! I want my money back!”

Me: “Sir, all our books are updated whenever a new version of [Software] has major changes. Mind sending me a screenshot of the book you have?”

Customer: “Okay.”

(I receive the screenshot. It is a badly scanned copy of an old version.)

Me: “Can you complain to the person who sold you this pirated copy of one of our books?”

Customer: *no response*

Me: “Can I redirect you to sales? I’m sure they can give you good deals on our books.”

Finding That Book Is A Fantasy

, , , , | Right | August 7, 2018

(I work in a small library.)

Customer: “Where is your fantasy section?”

Me: “Are you looking for graphic novels or regular books?”

Customer: “Just show me the fantasy section.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have a separate section for fantasy; it will just be in general fiction.”

Customer: *looking exasperated* “I’m looking for a book I was reading a couple of years ago.”

Me: “Okay, I can look it up for you on the computer; what was it called?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Who was the author?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “It was a fantasy book, and I’d know it if I saw the cover, so I need a fantasy section.”

Me: *thinking on my feet* “Can you give me an idea of the plot? I can ask a couple of colleagues if they can help.”

Customer: *yelling* “I don’t know. I just want to see the cover! Why don’t you have a fantasy section?”

Me: “Because this is small library run entirely by volunteers, and we don’t have space for one. Have you thought about going into the city centre library and asking there? Or looking in a bookshop?”

(The customer stomped off, muttering something about paying council tax for libraries. Don’t think she got the point about us all being unpaid volunteers.)

Harry Potter And The Christian Right-Wing

, , , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

(This story takes place just after the fifth “Harry Potter” book is released. I have my copy in my purse — like most stores, my employer only allows clear plastic purses and bags on the sales floor to discourage theft. This occurs while I am walking to the break room:)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: *I’m off the clock but still respond* “Yes. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t need anything except your name. I’m going to report you to your employer for promoting Satanism.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I see that filth!” *points to “Harry Potter” book* “I can’t believe that the owner of this store would appreciate his employees advertising encouraging witchcraft.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is my personal property and had nothing to do—”

Customer: “Be quiet! I know evil when I see it, and this is inappropriate. I’m going to find a manager.”

Me: “Of course. Customer service is on the second floor. You can’t miss it. It’s right next to a very large display on Harry Potter merchandise, and is where I bought this book with my employee discount, just like almost every other employee and manager here.”

Customer: *mutters something about “Satan everywhere” and storms off*

I Plead For Fifth

, , , , , , , , | Learning | July 26, 2018

At my younger sister’s elementary school, the library books were divided up by grade. Theoretically, a sound idea. Practically… not so much. My sister was a pretty advanced reader for her age, and so she wanted to read books ahead of her grade level.

The librarian refused.

My mother wrote a note giving her permission, and talked to my sister’s teacher, who spoke to the librarian in hopes of convincing her… to no avail. In her mind, third graders read third-grade books, second graders read second, so on and so forth.

The thing was, though… the librarian had control over what books my sister could take off the shelf or check out. What books she read during library time? Nothing she could do.

My third-grade little sister would very deliberately check out books from the public library that were fifth grade level or higher… and then serenely sit right in front of the fifth-grade bookshelf, reading her book without a care in the world.

I’m pretty sure she’s one of the reasons that librarian only lasted another year.

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