Seeing It From Both Sides

, , , , , , | Learning | April 29, 2018

(In a Shakespeare class, we’re talking about gender presentation in the play, “As You Like It.”)

Professor: “Is sex really symmetrical?”

Classmate: “If you do it right, it is.”

Professor: *dryly* “I’m not talking about f******.”

“Members” Of The Class

, , , , , | Learning | April 25, 2018

(We’re reading Julius Caesar in class, and on one of the pages there’s a line drawing of the Colossus of Rhodes in all its naked glory, complete with a tiny penis. As sophomores, several of the boys simply cannot handle it. Our female, middle-aged teacher tries to ignore them. That fails, so she tries to make it a “teachable moment.”)

Teacher: “Actually, in a lot of Renaissance art, the phallus was drawn purposefully small. They believed that a large penis meant a man had lower intelligence because he was more animalistic. Smaller penises indicated a higher intellect.”

([Boy #1], whose name conveniently starts with P — this becomes important later on — looks at [Boy #2]’s feet.)

Boy #1: “Well, it looks like you’re passing the next quiz.”

Teacher: “[Boy #1]! That is very inappropriate!”

Boy #1: “What?! You’re the one talking about wing-wang-doodles.”

Teacher: “Let’s just continue, shall we?”

(Class resumes, but [Boy #1] keeps muttering under his breath about “wangs.”)

Teacher: *turning to [Boy #1], extremely exasperated* “Penis! Be quiet!”

(The teacher turns fifty shades of red and apologizes profusely.)

Boy #1: “Yeah, it’s okay. I mean, I am kind of a d**k.”

What’s Another Word For Dictionary?

, , , | Right | April 12, 2018

(I work in a bookstore. School is about to start, so we’ve had a lot of people coming in looking for dictionaries for their children. Usually this is not a complicated request, until this lady comes in.)

Lady: “Hi, I’m looking for a dictionary?”

Me: “Of course. They’re just over here.” *starts walking toward dictionaries*

Lady: “So, um… Is a dictionary the same as a thesis?”

Me: “You mean a thesaurus?”

Lady: “Yeah, that.”

Me: *shocked that she has no idea what a thesaurus is, or even what it’s called* “Um, no. Not at all. A dictionary tells you what a word means, and a thesaurus gives you other words that mean the same thing as that word.”

Lady: *still seems really confused* “Oh… Okay… So… Do I need both, then?”

Me: “I… couldn’t say. That’s really up to you.”

Lady: “Well, they only told me to get a dictionary. I thought they were the same thing.”

Me: “We do have packs that come with both, but if they only said to get a dictionary, then that’s probably all you need.”

Lady: “So, I don’t need to get both? But what if she needs it?”

Me: *deciding enough’s enough* “No, you won’t need a thesaurus. Just get the dictionary and you’ll be fine.”

Lady: “Oh, okay. Thank you for your help!”

(I’ve never had so much trouble with what should have been a very quick and simple request! Who on earth doesn’t know the difference between a dictionary and a thesaurus, or what either of them are for? And why did anyone send her to pick them up if she had no idea what she was looking for?)

Put That As A Death Note On His Resume

, , , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(I work in a small brick-and-mortar bookstore in my town. We hire a new guy, who only lasts for three days because enough staff complain about him. I only work one day with him, but he gets fired the next day after exchanges like this.)

New Guy: “I seriously don’t understand why people buy books anymore.”

Me: “Then why do you work in a bookstore?”

New Guy: “No, no, no. I like books; I just don’t see why other people like them.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

New Guy: “Well, when [Manager] asked me in my interview if I read books, I told her lots, but I think the last physical book I read was Death Note back in 2003.”

Me:Death Note didn’t get published in North America until 2005.”

New Guy: “Huh. It was more recently than I thought; 2005 is pretty good.”

Me: “That was 12 years ago.”

New Guy: “Well, do you read all the time, then? When did you last finish a book?”

Me: “I am currently reading Universal Harvester—” *which is in my hands* “—and I just finished reading Misery by Stephen King a week or two ago.”

New Guy: “So, is, like, everyone here book people?”


New Guy: “Oh. I’m just here because I need money, and it looked like you guys didn’t do anything. I played video games professionally for the last seven years, so I like not having to work that much.”

Me: “You are in the wrong place, then, man.”

New Guy: “That’s what they told me when I flunked out of computer science. I still told them all to go eff themselves.”

The Fluffy Chronicles

, , , , , , | Learning | April 5, 2018

(I am and have always been an avid and fast reader. I finish my in-class reading and pull out a “fun” book: a fantasy novel with a witch on a broomstick on the cover.)

Teacher: “Finish your assigned reading.”

Me: “I am finished.”

Teacher: “No, you’re not.”

Me: “I read the assignment, answered the questions, and turned them in to you.”

Teacher: *prowls up beside my desk and grabs my book* “You need to finish your work before reading fluff!”

(I hang onto the book with all my strength, and she is visibly surprised.)

Me: “I finished the reading and turned in my questions. And this is a library book; it is not yours to take!”

(The teacher keeps pulling, I keep hanging on, and she realizes that the whole class is watching her lose a tug-of-war with a 12-year-old over a book about witches.)

Teacher: “Fine!”

(She goes to her desk and grabs my turned-in paper. I watch over the top of my book as she gets visibly annoyed. At the end of class, she hands me my 100% correct paper.)

Teacher: “You still shouldn’t be reading fluff in science class!

(I still read fluff!)

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