I’m calling a pizza place to make an order.

Me: “So, please tell the driver that it’s the red door apartment, on the third level. There’s no elevator, and it’s around the back of the building, behind the green gate, not the numbered one.”

Pizza Guy: “Oh, wow, that’s specific. Now I know why you called in the order instead of doing it online.”

Me: “I tried to order online, but the special instructions field on the order form is limited to fifty characters.”

Pizza Guy: “Yeah, they put in that limit because one time a guy was so p***ed for having to wait during a rush that he put in another order for a single garlic dip and copy-pasted the entirety of War & Peace into the special instructions field. The printout just… kept coming.”

Me: “Um… wow.”

Pizza Guy: “Just… so much paper.”

We’re on the phone, but I can just HEAR his thousand-yard stare.

Pizza Guy: “Just… never ending.”

Me: “Well… thanks! I’ll look forward to my pizza!”

Pizza Guy: “I can still hear it printing.” *Click.*

The Nobel Prize for literature has just been announced. As always, the moment the name has left the permanent secretary’s lips, I’m looking through our catalog to see if we have any books in and, if not, if there are any I can order.

Twenty minutes later at the information desk:

Patron: “I want everything you have by [Nobel Prize winner]!

Me: “We only have one title in our collection, and it’s already been checked out. I’ve ordered the rest, but it’s probably going to take a little while. The publisher has to print new editions. I can put them on hold for you, though!”

Patron: “Why don’t you have more? It’s the Nobel winner; you ought to know people will want to read his books.”

Me: “We just found out who it is this year, just like you. It’s not like they send us the books in advance.”

Patron: “Why not?”

Every. Single. Year.

It’s the day before we all go on Christmas break, so the lessons are more “fun” than usual. In our English class, the teacher has made a holiday-themed quiz. She’s asking our team:

Teacher: “How many ghosts visited Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve?”

Knowing this one, I buzz in with the answer immediately.

Me: “Four!”

Another student on my team gasps.

Student: “No, you idiot! It was three!”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name them?”

Student: “Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.”

Me: “And who visited Scrooge before all of those?”

Student: “Uhm… The Muppets?”

The teacher gave us an extra point for making her laugh.

Side note: our teacher also told us that one student was convinced that Scrooge had been visited by the ghost of ‘Bob Marley’, which definitely modernised the story a bit.

Customer: “I want to return this book.”

I see an issue with this book immediately and already know how this is going to go. Still, I feel the need to play along.

Me: “Can I see the receipt?”

Customer: “Lost it.”

Me: “Then I can’t do the return.”

Customer: “Yeah, you can. Get a manager to override it.”

Me: “I’m a manager, and there’s nothing to override. This book is a Book Club Edition.”

Customer: *Blank stare.*

Me: “This is a book that you, or someone you know, bought at a book club. They’re shaped differently to designate them as book club books.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! It’s just a limited edition!”

Me: “It has a ‘Book Of The Month’ logo on the spine.”

Customer: “I still got it here! Gimme my refund!”

Me: “You can’t get these at bookstores. That’s kinda the point.”

Customer: “You can’t prove I didn’t get it here!”

Me: “Ma’am, please leave.”

Customer: “Not until I get my refund!”

Me: “Not happening.”

She screams and tosses the book at me before storming out. I pick up the book, look at the title, and smirk. It’s called ‘Count My Lies.’

My grade four class is reading ‘Charlotte’s Web’.

Student: “Why do they want to kill him? He’s their pet!”

Me: “To eat.”

Student: *Shocked.* “But… why?!”

Me: “For the meat. Pork comes from pigs.”

Student: “Pork comes from animals!?”

Me: “Uh… let’s get back to the book, shall we?”

Another student who is a bit of a troublemaker speaks up.

Other Student: “[Student]. You ever wondered why chicken is the name of food and an animal?”

Student: *Penny drops.* “Chicken too?!”

That student left my class traumatised that day. The next day, I had to have a meeting with a p***ed-off parent.