Make Her Watch The Antonio Banderas Movie Version, Instead

, , , | Romantic | December 14, 2018

Me: “[Friend] and I are forming a book club.”

Wife: “Who?”

Me: “[Friend, who I’ve known since childhood].”

Wife: *mumbles something*

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Sounds like a couple of losers.”

Me: “Would a couple of losers be reading something called Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton?”

Wife: “Actually, yes.”

Nice Going!

, , , , , | Right | December 6, 2018

(It’s my first week in the children’s room of the public library and I’m alone at the desk. An older woman approaches. Note that making book recommendations is a pretty standard part of the job.)

Customer: “I’m looking for some nice books.”

Me: “Okay, sure. Are you looking for any specific books?”

Customer: “No, just some nice books.”

Me: “Okay. How old is the kiddo they’re for?”

Customer: “He’s in kindergarten.”

Me: *leading the way back to the picture books* “Is there anything he’s read that he’s really liked?”

Customer: “I don’t think so. I wanted to find him some nice books.”

Me: “Okay.” *begins pulling a few of my favorites* “How about one of these?”

Customer: *looks them over carefully* “No, not these. I wanted some nice books.”

Me: *a little surprised* “I’m sorry. Can you tell me a little bit more about what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Nice books. Books with nice pictures.”

Me: *pulling some with award-winning illustrators* “Something like these?”

Customer: *looks them over carefully* “No, nice books. Where do you keep your nice books?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, but I don’t understand. Tell me more about what you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Books with nice pictures, that teach a lesson to children.”

Me: *pulling some fables and other books with morals* “How about some these?”

Customer: *looks over each one* “No, nice books. You should have separate section for your nice books!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. Can you tell me any nice books that you’ve already read?”

Customer: “No, I don’t know. Just nice books. You must have some nice books here…”

Me: *giving up* “I’m so sorry. Please have a look around; maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for. “

(She left without checking anything out. When I relayed the story to my coworker, he showed me where we had the “nice” books: books from a publisher that cater to a specific conservative, religious group. It turns out the woman was right, sort of; too bad I had no idea what she was talking about!)

Books Should Categorized By Cover Color

, , , , , | Right | November 29, 2018

Customer: “I’m trying to find a book about the University.”

Me: “You’ve come to the right place. Let me show you our local interest section.”

(I do so, and the customer looks for the book they want.)

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Well, maybe we can special order a copy. Do you know the book’s title?”

Customer: “No, but it’s green.”

Me: “That’s one of our school colors.”

Customer: “Well, it’s about this big.” *motions with his hands*

Me: “Um… I’m going to talk to my manager.”

(I walk into the back of the room. My manager is talking to a semi-retired teacher in his sixties.)

Me: “I have a customer that’s looking for a book, and he only knows that it’s green and about this big.” *motions with hands*

Senior Employee: “Oh, he means that book.”

Me & Manager: “Huh?!”

The Twenty-Year Loan

, , , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2018

(From preschool to third grade, I attend a small private school. It has about 15 students per grade. It is an interesting place. The library is actually the back room of a mobile home — not as creepy as it sounds. One day in third grade, our teacher brings our class to the library to check out books. The books are sorted by grade level, with more than enough to go around for 15 students for each class — especially ours, since we dwindle down to five halfway through the year. I am having a tough time picking out something to read, specifically thinking that all these books are too boring, and wanting something that is more of a challenge, so I march my nine-year-old self over to the area for fifth and sixth graders. The librarian — or at least the woman who was put in charge of organizing this back bedroom — notices me.)

Librarian: “No, those aren’t for your class. They’re too hard.”

Me: *points to the third-grade books* “Those are too easy.”

Librarian: *takes hold of my arm and steers me back to my classmates* “You have to pick one of these.”

(Being so little, I didn’t argue, but even then I thought it was stupid, especially when I had tested into a sixth-grade reading level. The kicker: the school didn’t use computers to check out books at the time this happened. Everything was done by hand. The book I chose that day was missed in their paperwork. I still have it over twenty years later.)

New Addition To The Millennium Trilogy: The Girl With The Twitter Account

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2018

(It’s Halloween night. I live in college residence, so a lot of people are trick-or-treating with their neighbours, and milling around to check out each other’s costumes and decorations. I bump into one of my roommate’s friends. She’s dressed a bit punk or goth, but not as a costume.)

Roommate’s Friend: *joking* “I’m dressed as a serial killer.”

Me: *looking at her outfit* “No, you’re dressed as Lisbeth Salander!”

(Lisbeth Salander is the protagonist of the Millennium trilogy, most famously “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.”)

Roommate’s Friend: “Yeah! Wait… How did you… Have you been stalking my Twitter?”

Me: *confused* “No?”

Roommate’s Friend: “Then… How did you know I… said that I…”

Me: “I didn’t…”

Roommate’s Friend: “Then how did you know I look like Lisbeth Salander?”

Me: “Because I’ve read the book and seen the movie?”

Roommate’s Friend: “Oh! I thought you were stalking my Twitter, because I literally just posted, ‘If anyone asks, I’m dressed as Lisbeth Salander.'”

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