Read Into The Question More, Not The Book

, , , , , | Romantic | April 11, 2019

(My boyfriend brings books to work to read when it’s slow.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, should I read [Book #1] or [Book #2]?”

Me: “Uh… [Book #1].”

Boyfriend: “But what about [Book #2]?”

Me: “I dunno, what about [Book #2]?”

Boyfriend: “I really want to read [Book #2].”

Me: “Then why did you ask?!”

Jack And Jill Ran Up The Hill To Play With Dick And Jane

, , , , | Right | March 28, 2019

(A young woman comes into our store and heads for the kids’ section.)

Customer: “Do you have any of those Sam I Am books?”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not familiar with those.”

Customer: “You know, ‘I am Sam; Sam I am.’”

Me: “You mean Dr. Seuss? Let me see what we have…”

Customer: “No, not that. ‘See Sam run.’ That kind of thing.”

Me: “Oh, you mean like Dick and Jane.

Customer: “Yeah! That’s it!”

(I guess Dick and Jane got a new dog.)

Becoming A Regular Problem

, , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(The library where I work is changing locations since our original building is going to get demolished. During the week we are moving, we are obviously closed to the public as we are boxing up everything, dismantling furniture, and hauling out our entire inventory. All of our regular patrons understand this but one. On Monday, he nudges his way past the maintenance people, who are disassembling the desks, and into the library. It’s clear we’re in a state of upheaval.)

Regular: “Hello [My Name] and [Coworker]. I’d like to return these DVDs and renew these ones. Can you tell me when everything else is due? And then can you place a hold on—“

Me: “[Regular], you can’t be here. You have to get out. We won’t be open until Friday.”

Regular: “But I want to renew—“

Coworker: “Get out; we’re closed. You can’t be here until our reopening at 10 am on Friday.”

(The regular leaves. On Tuesday, he’s literally standing in front of the moving truck as they are handling large, heavy items and is in danger of causing the movers to trip and hurt themselves or him.)

Mover: “Do you guys know anything about that teenager outside?”

Coworker: “God, he’s back?”

Me: “Tell him he can come back when we open on Friday.”

Mover: “I told him, but he won’t go away.”

Coworker: “I’ll go out and talk to him.”

(It takes almost ten minutes, but she convinces him to leave. On Wednesday, we’re inside setting things up and working on displays. He pushes his face against the window in the door and stares at us until we’re forced to acknowledge him.)

Coworker: “[Regular], we’ve told you every single day this week. You CAN’T be here.”

Regular: “But I just want to look around.”

Coworker: “Go home.”

Regular: “Hey, can [My Name] come out? I saw her through the window. I want to talk to her.”

Coworker: “She can’t come out. We have to work, and you have to leave.”

Regular: “But I want to talk to [My Name].”

(My coworker looks at me, and I shake my head vigorously.)

Coworker: “She says ‘Hi.’ Now you have to leave.”

(He finally leaves. On Thursday, I draw all the curtains shut before working on the final tasks that need do before our grand opening.)

Director: “Let’s open these curtains and let in some light!” *she proceeds to do so*

Me: “I’m not comfortable with opening the curtains. One of our regulars has been basically stalking us all week. He’s been peeking through the windows and asking that we come outside and talk with him. I want to do everything we can to discourage that kind of behavior.”

Director: “Nonsense! That’s what windows are for!” *she opens all the curtains* “And don’t you dare close them!”

(I was too shocked that she believes windows are made for peeping to protest. That afternoon, sure enough, our regular returns. He crouches by the very windows I had shaded, since this is a split level facility, and presses his face against the glass. He waves at us whenever we happen to even remotely move in his direction, and he makes obvious gestures that he wants us to either open the door or just let him into the building. After thirty minutes of him doing this, [Coworker #2], who is unaware of the situation since this is her first day working since the move, opens the door to take some trash outside. The regular immediately pushes past her and into the building.)

Coworker #2: “Woah, hey, [Regular], you can’t be in here!”

Regular: “Cool place you guys have!” *he goes right to the movies* “Got any new movies in?”

Me: “[Regular], get out. You can’t be here! You know this! We told you we don’t open until ten o’clock on Friday.”

Regular: “I saw you guys inside and I figured you’re open.” *pulls out a movie* “Can I check this out?”

Coworker: “Get out!”

Regular: “So I can’t check this out?”

All Three of Us: “Get out!”

(He finally left. On Friday, he loitered outside our door from eight am until the grand re-opening at ten, trying to convince every staff member who was busy with prep work to let him in and talk with him.)

This Is Not A New Problem

, , , | Right | March 22, 2019

(I work in an entertainment store that sells new and used movies, books, CDs, and video games. Our used products have the word “USED” printed on the price tag, and we mark them with a green sticker that also has the word printed on it. I am working the books service desk today. A woman comes to my service desk with our only copy of ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ by E. L. James.)

Woman: “What’s the price of this?”

Me: “It’s $8.99, ma’am,”

Woman: “No, I mean the used price.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not a used copy; that’s new.”

Woman: “Are you f****** kidding me? This isn’t new! Look at it! Its pages are bent, and the cover is scratched.”

Me: “Ma’am, it doesn’t say used on the price tag, and there isn’t a green used sticker on it. The book is new, and it’s $8.99.”

Woman: “That’s a load of crap! How can you sell this as new?! Don’t you have some way of protecting them so they don’t look like they’ve already been read?”

Me: “I don’t exactly have the time to shrink wrap hundreds of new books.”

Woman: “I demand you give this to me at the used price,”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. The tag says it’s new, and it’s marked as new in our system. If you really want it, you’ll have to purchase it as is, or find it somewhere else.”

Woman: “This is complete bull-s***!”

(She throws the book on the ground and stomps away.)

Me: *as I pick up the book* “You know, that doesn’t exactly make it any newer!”

Does V.C. Stand For “Very Creepy”?

, , , , , | Friendly | February 26, 2019

(In high school, I am something of a goody-two-shoes, a full-fledged dork, and a voracious bookworm. I am always carrying around a library book or two in case I get a spare minute to read. At lunch, I stack my books on the table and one of my classmates notices the top one.)

Classmate: “Are you reading a V.C. Andrews book?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve never read anything by her before, but it looked interesting. She’s apparently written a ton of books.”

Classmate: “Okay, well, I had to read a V.C. Andrews book for Lit Class, and it was about incest. I can’t imagine you reading anything like that.”

Me: *shrugs* “Well, no incest yet. If I find any I’ll let you know.”

(Next chapter? Boom, incest. I did finish it, because I never give up on a book, but I felt dirty for about a month.)

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