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Karma, Thy Name Is Porsche

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2021

A man swaggers through the front doors of our bookstore

Mr. Porsche: “I have a book put on hold under [Mr. Porsche].”

Me: *After searching* “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t seem to find it.”

Mr. Porsche: “I called here ten minutes ago and the lady said she had it in her hand.”

I call the information desk, because sometimes the hold doesn’t actually make it across the thirty feet of floor space to the registers where holds are. There are no holds waiting for a trip to Registers. No one remembers talking to a [Mr. Porsche]. No one recalls handling a book of that title.

Mr. Porsche: *Getting agitated* “I called here and the lady had it in her hand! She said it would be under [Mr. Porsche]! Her name was [Employee].”

Me: “Er, we don’t have an [Employee] working at our store. Are you sure you called us and not in [Other City starting with the same letter] or [Competitor] bookstore? They’re right next to our number in the phonebook.”

Mr. Porsche: “NO! I CALLED HERE! Hurry up and find my f****** book! My Porsche is parked in front of your store doors! I’m blocking three cars in, so just hurry the f*** up!”

I’m stunned. Some people!

Me: “Sir, I highly advise you to park your car, legally, in our parking lot rather than risk a ticket. Security patrols every few minutes.”

Mr. Porsche: “I don’t want my Porsche to get a door ding, so hurry up and find my book!”

I struggle not to knock my own head off with an epic facepalm. I search book by book in our holds, but there’s nothing under his name. Nothing even similar to his name. No titles even remotely close to the title he claims is on hold.

He’s getting louder and more aggressive, banging his hands on the desk, and insisting that he is not wrong, he did call our store, that [Employee] does in fact work here, and I [expletive] need to [expletive] hurry the [expletive] up.

An Info Desk employee comes over to tell him that 1) they have searched for the title and not found it in our database, confirming that he didn’t call us because we literally don’t even carry that book, and 2) that the book is indeed on hold at [Competitor], two miles down the road.

Insert rant to the effect of: Wrong! Info Person is a liar, so “this b****” (meaning me) needs to hurry up and find it, because we’re a bookstore; therefore, we carry books, and it has to be here and he’s not moving until—

Cue the beeping of a tow truck outside our doors.

Mr. Porsche: “S***!”

He bolted out the door and a yelling fight ensued between [Mr. Porsche], security — who happened to be writing [Mr. Porsche] a ticket — and the tow truck driver.

[Mr. Porsche] returned several days later to scream at our managers because it was OUR fault that his illegally parked Porsche incurred a ticket and nearly got towed away. He was subsequently trespassed and banned by the police due to his stubborn refusal to a) stop swearing, b) stop screaming at the top of his lungs, and c) stop becoming aggressive and violent by using hardback books as missiles.

And I had so naively thought that bookstores would be the calmer option in the world of retail.

Lost In Translation, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2021

Customer: “I want a Bible that’s in English, not a translation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. English, but not a translation?”

Customer: “I want the original Bible! I don’t want the New Testament Greek one you have. I want the original, but in English.”

I end up leaving him in the King James Version section.

Me: *While walking away quickly* “Let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”

Related:
Lost In Translation

That’s One Way To Throw The Book At Him

, , , , , , | Working | September 25, 2021

I worked at this bookstore for over ten years. I loved it, honestly, but when I got an offer for a better job, I took it without any questions. My bosses and fellow coworkers were really happy for me, and since I still shop there weekly, they still see me.

I bought several books a few weeks ago, and when I went to read one of them, it was completely blank. The first few pages were printed but the rest looked like the printer ran out of ink.

I took it back to the store to just exchange it. The store has a policy that if it’s something like that, they can exchange it for free as long as it’s within a month of the receipt. I stood in line and let the cashier know what I needed to do. He was new, and instead of radioing to a manager to let them know what was going on, he told me that he couldn’t return a book in that condition.

I told him, politely, that he could and that it was part of the publishing return clause.

Employee: “This is in an unsellable condition.”

Me: “Right, it’s a publisher’s mistake, so you can exchange it for one that has all the printing and you guys will just return this book to the publisher and they will get you a replacement.”

Employee: “We can’t do that.”

Me: “Yeah, you can, and you will.”

Employee: “I am refusing you service! You need to get out of here now.”

Me: “Dude, you need to do two things: first, chill, and second, get a manager.”

Employee: “I’m not getting a manager. You are banned from the store.”

Me: “Okay.”

I stepped out of line with the book and texted one of the managers that I knew, asking if they were at the store. Turns out they were, and I asked if they could come up to the front to explain to the new cashier about the publishing return policy.

Not even three minutes later my old manager and the general manager came up. The cashier saw them and smirked at me.

Employee: “Now you’re going to get it.”

Both of them greeted me, asking about the new job and how I was doing, and then asked what was wrong. I showed them the book and let them know that the cashier told me that I couldn’t return it and that I was banned from the store. 

Needless to say, it was quite a lovely shade of whitish-green that he turned when both of them let him know that, yes, they could return it and that he had absolutely no power in banning people. 

I got my book exchanged, and when I went back there a few weeks later he was stocking and apparently not allowed to be on the cash register for a bit.

Ah, Yes, Very “Christian” Behavior

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2021

I’m in a big-name bookstore that also sells toys, puzzles, and so on. I come here all the time, so often that sometimes people mistake me for an employee. They are usually apologetic when they realize I’m not. 

Old Lady: “Excuse me, dear. Where is your Christian section?”

Me: “I can take you to the religious section.”

I take her to the right part of the store when she realizes something. 

Old Lady: “You don’t work here, do you?”

Me: “No, I actually don’t, but I’m here all the time.”

Old Lady: “YOU’RE GOING TO H*** FOR TAKING ANOTHER PERSON’S JOB!”

For Some People, If It’s Not On Paper, It’s Not A Book

, , , , , | Right | August 27, 2021

A young woman has come in looking for a particular title. I can’t find it in our system nor on the database, but after a few minutes, I am able to track it down. It turns out that this particular book was only published as an ebook and was never physically printed. My store does not deal in ebooks, so there’s nothing I can do.

Me: “Ah, looks like that one was never printed; it’s only available as a digital ebook online.”

Customer: “Oh, well, can you order it for me?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no, I can’t. You’ll have to buy a digital copy through [Website] or [App] if you want it.”

Customer: “Okay, but I just wanted to look at it before I buy it, you know?”

She isn’t upset or angry or being difficult in any way at all; she just genuinely doesn’t seem to understand the concept of an ebook. That said, I am fast running out of ways to explain it to her.

Me: “Ma’am, it’s only available as an ebook,  as in electronic. It was never physically printed.”

Customer: “I get that, but it’s an expensive book, so I want to look at it and make sure it’s what I need, so can you just order it for me?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s only available through digital download. I can’t get a physical copy because no physical copies exist.”

Customer: “Okay, but if you order it they’ll send it out, right? I’ve ordered books here before.”

This went on for a solid five minutes. I kept trying to explain that ebooks are ONLY digital and that, short of printing out the PDF, there was nothing I could do. She ended up leaving saying she would just look for it online.