Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

The Single Biggest Surprise

, , , | Romantic | July 28, 2017

(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and coworkers start to give me advice. In some cases I ask for this; in most cases, I don’t. In all cases, I feel uncomfortable with the advice and ignore most of it. I sign up for several dating sites, but don’t get any real life dates from it, frustrating me even more. Some people say I should go on Tinder, including one who had advised me not to go on a dating site, since it is all on looks. Other people start “advising” me I should just wait, as if I hadn’t done that and as if waiting means it will all work out in just a few weeks. I decide there’s no system and that I’m tired of all the nosy people around me, so I quit dating for a while. A few months later, I start feeling lonely again and sign up to a better recommended dating site. At first, the experiment seems to fail again, but then, a nice girl starts talking to me and we have a really nice chat. From that, the dating starts and a few months later she asks me to be her boyfriend. More than a year after that, we decide to go live together. After five months living together, I meet some old friends who used to give me lots of advice about dating.)

Friend #1: “How is everything with you and [Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Good. And how’s your love life?”

Friend #1: “Single again. Had a girlfriend. Didn’t work out.”

Friend #2: “Well, I know the feeling.”

Friend #3: “Don’t worry, lads. I’ve been dating for years. But somehow…”

Friend #1: “Wait… This is a historical moment! [My Name] is the only one here who isn’t single!”

(Which really gave me the feeling I was right to ignore them all along.)

Love Is Love… Idiot

, , , , | Romantic | July 17, 2017

(My uncle is a self-proclaimed redneck and always has been. We lost contact with each other but finally got each other’s phone numbers again and are speaking for the first time in seven years. He still lives in a rural southern area and I’ve moved up north. I’m also gay.)

Me: “And also… I’m married.”

Uncle: “Oh, yeah? Who’s the guy?”

Me: “Actually, it’s, um, a woman.”

Uncle: “Oh. Well, you know I don’t understand that, but I don’t have to. Hell, I don’t understand how your daddy has been married four times. I still love you and if your wife makes you happy that’s enough for me. If she hurts you, though, I hurt her.”

Me: “Haha, I’ll tell her.”

Uncle: “You haven’t told Nana, have you?” *his mother* “She’s very against that.”

Me: “Unfortunately, she knows. She still tries to be buddy-buddy with me over Facebook and doesn’t understand why I won’t go visit her after she called me an abomination, a disgrace, and sobbed because I wasn’t going to have ‘natural’ children.”

Uncle: “Yeah, she’s an idiot. You’ve been saying since you were nine that you don’t want kids.” *pause* “I have a question.”

Me: “Okay.”

Uncle: “I don’t know any gay people, just one or two folks who keep it quiet ‘cause of where we live, but… is it really dangerous to admit you’re gay?”

Me: “Depends. If I still lived down south, definitely. I got death threats from Dad’s side of the family down there when we announced our engagement.”

Uncle: “If ya tell me who, I can shoot ’em for ya. The h*** does it matter if you like women? Boobs are great!”

(I missed him.)

Not Quite Married To The Idea

, , | Romantic | June 17, 2017

(I’m in my mid-20s, female, and single. This is very odd in our small town, as most girls marry fairly young. Occasionally, customers comment on it. I don’t mind too much, as I’ve been burned in past relationships, so I know I’m a little picky when it comes to guys. Then there’s this regular customer…)

Me: “Hi, [Customer]! How are you?”

Customer: “Well, I’m just fine, young lady. How are you? How’s the wedding planning going?”

Me: “Oh, I’m not getting married. You must have me mistaken with someone else!”

Customer: “But why aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I just haven’t found the right guy yet.”

Customer: “You SHOULD get married! It’s a disgrace, the way you young girls hold out nowadays. Don’t you WANT to get a man?”

Me: “Well, sure, once I find the right one—”

Customer: “You and [Coworker #1] over there. She was engaged last year, and now she’s not. How are you two are as old as you are and aren’t married?”

(The coworker in question is in her early 20s.)

Me: “Um… I really don’t think I should comment on her personal life.”

Customer: “FIND A MAN!”

Me: “I’ll do my best.”

(Customer exits. The coworker in question walks over to me.)

Coworker: *sarcastically* “Right. Because being married to an a** is way better than being single! This town, I swear…”

Hypothetically Bold To Ask

, , , | Romantic | June 7, 2017

(I’m invited to a get-together with coworkers. It’s the beginning of summer and a perfect evening, so the small group of us sit outside talking for a couple hours with a few drinks. Everyone there works together except for the wife and a friend of the host, who I have never met before. I’m the last to leave and as my coworker gets up to leave before me, the host follows, and I’m left alone with the friend outside. We start talking, just about what we do, where we’re from, etc., when he springs this one me. For context, I’m female.)

Friend: “So, I have a kind of strange question for you.”

Me: “Okay.”

Friend: “Would you prefer it if, when a guy wanted to ask you out, he was more bold or more subtle about it?”

Me: *smiling awkwardly* “Uh…”

Friend: “So, like, do you prefer it when a guy says something like ’Would you maybe want to go get a drink or hang out sometime?’ or something like ‘I’d like to take you out tonight?’ Which one would you be more likely to respond positively to? Which one would you rather hear?”

Me: *internally panicking, thinking this guy I met about two hours prior and is a friend of my coworker is trying to ask me out right now* “Uh, well, I guess I think it would depend on the guy, how well I knew him, and the situation overall. Yeah, it would depend.”

Friend: “Okay, yeah. There’s this girl back home who I’ve been wanting to ask out for a while, but I don’t know how to do it.”

(I breathed a sigh of relief and went on to give him some advice on his situation. Pro-tip A: Don’t ask strangers for dating advice, because Pro-tip B: They’re going to think you’re asking them out, out of the blue, and get freaked out.)

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