I used to work in IKEA in the section that sold wardrobes. Big behemoths of things. Normally around two metres long and 60kg in boxes. Customers would regularly ask me:

Customer: “Will it fit in my car?”

Me: “What’s the size of your car?”

Customer: “Uh… like… a normal car?”

After being polite the first few times, asking them about the size of their car and guessing, I then just started asking them what colour their car was. The number of people who’d answer unfazed was amazing.

Customer: “Will it fit in my car?”

Me: “What colour is it?”

Customer: “Blue.”

Me: “Nope, sorry, this wardrobe was specifically designed to fit red cars and nothing else. Sorry.”

I was telling this to a new guy who was also frustrated about being asked this question, and he asked me:

New Guy: “What happens if they still don’t get it?”

Me: “Then you ask if it has fabric or leather seats. Whatever they answer just say “sorry, this can only fit in cars with the other kind of seat”. If they still don’t get it, they’re too stupid for our furniture, and they’re going to get themselves killed assembling it, so it’s probably for the best.”

A few months before I got married, my mom gave me a bit of womanly advice.

Mom: “Obviously this isn’t my business, but I’m just going to mention it; whatever you do for birth control, your older brother says to use it every time and your younger brother says it might not always work.”

Me: “Wait, I knew my younger brother was a surprise, but they both were?”

Mom: “Dad and I love you all, and we’re thrilled you’re all here, but yes. You’re the only one we had on purpose.”

A new hire is looking and feeling tired after a long shift on the checkouts. They had a slew of terrible customers one after the other:

Manager: “Remember [New Hire]. About 5% of the customers will be wonderful. But they will generally glide almost seamlessly through your day. About 5% are going to be idiotic jerks. There’s nothing you can do or say to fix an idiot, so basically smile, pat them on the head, and get them out of your life as quickly as possible.”

New Hire: “That’s actually pretty good advice.”

Another coworker, one checkout lane over, says:

Coworker: “I just keep repeating my personal affirmation: Illegitimi non carborundum.”

New Hire: “Oooh, what does that mean?”

Coworker: “Don’t let the b*stards wear you down!”

Okay, so it’s mock Latin, not real Latin, but it’s still effective!

My friends and I are talking to a single friend about how to flirt with girls. One guy is giving obviously terrible advice, as well as teasing him a bit, so a girlfriend asks him:

Girlfriend: “[Guy’s Name], just stop. How long has it been since you flirted with anyone?”

Guy: “How you doin’?”

Girlfriend: “So over twenty years? Since Friends went off the air?”

She then moved on to give our friend some more sound advice, while the guy looked up the year when Friends went off the air, did the mental math, and looked horrified.

It’s Black Friday in our big box retail store, before opening. You can already hear the muffled mumbling of customers outside.

Manager: “Alright, team, we’ve got fifteen minutes till we open. Everyone stretched? Hydrated? Emotionally prepared to question humanity?”

New Hire: “They sound really… excited out there.”

Veteran #1: “That’s not excitement. That’s the sound of a thousand people who think a $19 air fryer will fill the void.”

New Hire: “It’s my first Black Friday. Any tips?”

Veteran #2: “Don’t make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they’ll think you’re the keeper of the secret stockroom.”

Veteran #3: “Never say we’re ‘sold out.’ Say, ‘Let me check in the back.’ Then go in the back, drink some water, have a cry, and come back five minutes later looking apologetic.”

New Hire: “But… what if we do have it in the back?”

Manager: “Then congratulations, you just volunteered to be trampled.”