I work in a bookstore.

Customer: “I’m looking for a copy of the Constitution.”

Me: “Okay, we have one that was published in 2011 and one that was published in 2019.”

Customer: “So, which one’s the newest?”

Back when I was in grad school, I used to frequent a used bookstore near my house. I would often tell the guy I was dating about the books I bought there. Once, I bought a non-fiction book about neuroscience, which I kept talking about to [Guy] as I was reading it.

Several weeks later…

Guy: “So, how is [Book]? You haven’t mentioned it in a while, but it sounded like you were finding it very interesting.”

Me: *Slightly embarrassed* “Well, actually, I haven’t made much progress since the last time we talked about it… because I can’t find it.”

Guy: “You lost [Book]?”

Me: “No, no… I just can’t remember where I put it. I know it is in my apartment somewhere, and at some point, it will turn up.”

Guy: “So, let me get this straight. You bought [Book] about the secrets of memory, and you can’t remember where you put it?”

[Guy] burst out laughing.

But there is a happy ending! [Guy] married me anyway. And the book did turn up, months later when I moved from my roommate’s apartment to the apartment we rented when we got married, and he had another good laugh then, as well.

More than a decade of marriage later, [Guy] still loves to fondly recall this story, and now we both have a good laugh about it.

I was getting repeated calls about my Apple account being compromised. I don’t have an Apple account. I finally decided to press one for an agent to see if I could get rid of them.

Me: “Look, I know this is a scam. I want to get off your calling list.”

He got insistent, and I lost my temper and called him some names. I hung up, and then my phone started ringing every ten minutes with their robocall.

I finally pressed one again and got the same agent.

Me: “Please stop calling me.”

Agent: “No, it is our duty.”

At that point, I got a bright idea. I picked up a book I had been reading and began reading it out loud to him, ignoring everything he was trying to say to me.

After about three or four minutes of my reading to him, he hung up, and I haven’t heard from them since.

I work at the information desk in a history museum. A flustered-looking guest approaches, dragging a gaggle of children with her.

Guest: “Excuse me. Where are the original Bibles?”

Me: “All our historical Bibles are in the east wing, ma’am.”

Guest: “No, I’ve been there, and they have all these books in Latin and stuff. I need the original Bibles.”

Me: “Well, those are the oldest Bibles we have. You’d have to go to other more famous museums for older manuscripts.”

Guest: “Yeah, but where is the first one written by Jesus?”

Me: “Written… by… Oh, dear.”

Guest: “I need to see the original Bible written in American by Jesus!”

I start looking around for the hidden camera because surely this can’t be real. Thankfully, a coworker jumps in.

Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, we don’t have any copies of the original American Bibles. You’ll want to go to some of the museums in Salt Lake City for those.”

Guest: “Hmph! They shouldn’t be translating the Bible into all these foreign languages, anyway!”

With that, she trots off with her brood while I just stare at my coworker.

Me: “Oh, my God.”

Coworker: “At least once a month!”

I was approached by a client about illustrating a book for them. They sent a lengthy email explaining some of the details of the project, so I sent a sample of my work along with various questions to discuss the project in more depth.

A month and a half went by with no reply. I assumed they had abandoned the project or decided not to work with me. Finally, I received an email apologizing for the delay as they had their hands full with their newborn child. They provided me with more details on the project and even went so far as to start talking about prices.

I got the email late in the afternoon and replied early the next morning. I didn’t have to wait a month and a half for this response.

Client: “Hi, so sorry about this. Please ignore my last response. I have found another artist as I am on a tight schedule. Thanks.”