I work in a bookstore that has a large educational and textbook section. A woman walks up to the helpdesk, looks at me, looks around, sees no one else available to help, sighs, and then approaches me.

Customer: “My son is starting high school after summer, and I want him to get ahead in his math.”

Me: “That’s great! We have a huge selection of guides to mathematics, both general and specific. Is there any area in particular you’d like him to focus on?”

Customer: “Algebra.”

I bring her over to the relevant section. As we head over, we’re joined by her son. He identifies a specific book before I can even recommend it.

Me: “Good choice! This is the book I actually used when—”

Customer: “Look, I’m sure you’re a nice boy and all that, but my son is going to be going places. I’m sure working in a bookstore in America is a great achievement for someone from… your part of the world, but if my son is going to be Ivy League, I need him to be using something more advanced than what you used to get into a job at a bookstore.”

I am silent for a moment, not because I am angry — this happens to me a lot as I am of Moroccan descent — but because her son looks like he is about to explode.

Customer’s Son: “Mom! You can’t be serious!”

Customer: “What? I’m not being mean; I’m just calling it how I see it.”

Me: “I’m an American, ma’am, same as you.”

Customer: *Scoffs* “You are not the same as me! I’m a full-blooded American who can trace her lineage back to the fifth president of the United States!”

Me: “Unless you’re Native American, then I’m as full-blooded as you are. My relatives are from Morocco, and yours are from Europe.”

Customer: “Look, I just need you to get your manager or someone else more qualified to recommend a book for my son.”

Customer’s Son: “Mom, his relatives invented Algebra. Ours invented gerrymandering. I’m going to be just fine with his recommendations, thanks.”

And with that, he chose my book recommendation and walked back to the checkouts with his (mercifully silenced) mother glaring at me as they left.

A patron has been using one of our reference computers to find books on particular subjects, and he approaches me with a list. It should be noted that we get a lot of conspiracy theory nuts and hunters of the paranormal as they believe the information on the Internet is either fake or gets them put on some kind of government “watch list”.

Patron: “I’m looking for books on these subjects. I’m having trouble with the last one!”

The list contains your standard list on paranormal subjects, but the last one is written as “a$$tral projection.”

Me: “Sir, I think you’re having trouble with that last one because it’s misspelled.”

Patron: “No! I know what I wrote, and I’m looking for that!”

Me: “Sir, either that’s misspelled or it’s a type of book you wouldn’t find in a public library.”

Patron: “Why? Scared of educating the masses about what truths are really out there?”

Me: “Sir, just remove an S from this and you should find the computers a lot more helpful.”

The patron suddenly realizes their error, turns red, and slinks away. I tell my manager about it as he witnessed the encounter. 

Manager: “You were far too nice. I would have just sent him to YouTube and typed in ‘how to twerk’.”

I work in a bookstore. A woman calls me over. She is in our religion section, specifically for children’s books.

Customer: “I’m looking at these books about Jesus’s life.”

Me: “Yes, that one in particular has some lovely illustrations.”

Customer: “Yeah, but… do you have a version with a happier ending?”

Me: “Happier? Like… what do you mean?”

Customer: “Like where Jesus doesn’t die at the end? That’s far too upsetting for my boy.”

Me: “I… don’t think so?”

Customer: “Could you ask your manager? You really should have some books suitable for my boy.”

I fetch my manager, who is just as confused with the request as I am.

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m afraid all our books about the life of Jesus will absolutely not skip the part where he dies.”

Customer: “Ugh! Fine. It’s not ideal, but I’m going to have to just buy this and skip over the parts I don’t like!”

Manager: “I’m pretty sure that’s how most Christians use the Bible anyway!”

Customer: “I need a book for my nephew.”

Me: “Okay, what does he like to read?”

Customer: “Books.”

Me: “Congratulations, you’re in a bookstore! We might need to narrow it down a little. How old is he? Do you know what books he’s enjoyed before?”

Customer: “Look, I’m gonna be real with you. I haven’t read a book since high school. I’m too busy to read nerdy little books. The girl I’m with thinks it’s cute that I’m an uncle, so I need to go to his birthday party and give him a book to look good. What have you got?”

Me: “Let me bring you to our ‘awful uncles who buy books for their nephews just so they can get laid’ section.”

Customer: “For real?”

Me: “No, sir. That was a joke.”

Customer: “Whatever. This one looks big. Woo, lots of words. I’ll get this one.”

Me: “That’s a Bible, sir.”

Customer: “Is it good?”

Me: “I suddenly believe that you haven’t read a book since high school.”

Customer: *Smiling like this is a flex* “Yes, boiiiiii!”

We settled on him getting a gift card for his nephew, who I suddenly felt very sorry for — along with this guy’s date.

A client wanted me to illustrate their children’s book. I had a vague idea of what they wanted but wanted clarification.

Me: “What kind of style do you want for the illustrations?”

Client: “LOL! What do you mean, ‘what style’? Just illustrate it!”

My guess was that they wanted something like American cartoons, but in terms of narrowing things down, that got us from “ocean” to “huge pond”.

I never got the direction I needed and eventually dropped the project.

My advice to clients looking for illustrations: we can’t read your minds. You need to be specific when conveying your vision to us.