(I’m working the front desk at our local library, with a coworker backing me up. We still use due-date stickers on our books, and sometimes we find these stickers in unusual places.)

Coworker: “Hey, you’ve got a sticker on your foot.”

Me: *looks down to see a due-date sticker on my shoe* “Whoops.” *pulls it off, laughing* “According to this, I’m due tomorrow.”

Coworker: *shocked look* “WHAT?!”

Me: “Um… the due-date sticker? It says I’m due tomorrow.”

Coworker: “Oh! I thought you were talking about some kid saying you must be due tomorrow!”

Me: “Oh… well, I’m not pregnant.”

Coworker #2: *walking out of the back at that moment* “WHAT? Who thinks you’re pregnant?”

Me: “Why does everyone suddenly think I’m pregnant? It’s DUE-DATE, as in books! I’m not THAT fat!”

(For some reason this entire exchange made both of them crack up. All over a due-date sticker…)

(I’m working near the reference desk, when some teens come running in. Three different coworkers spot them and tell them to stop running. They don’t listen. The youth librarian steps in.)

Youth Librarian: “Hey, come over here.”

Teen #1: “I wasn’t running!”

Youth Librarian: “Look, you can stay in here, but be quiet and stop running.”

Teen #1: “But I wasn’t running!”

Teen #2: “Yeah, none of us were.”

Youth Librarian: “Okay, that’s it. You’re banned for the night. You do this again, you’re banned for a week. You keep it up, and I will ban you for a month. GET OUT.”

(The teens leave, still insisting they weren’t running.)

Me: “Did they just say they weren’t running when literally everyone in the room saw them running?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Yeah they did…”

(The small college library I work in has a strict no-phones policy for students; i.e., devices on silent and no voice calls. Unfortunately, we have to remind students about it on an almost daily basis. On this particular occasion, a woman is working on a computer and takes a call on her mobile. I go across to her.)

Me: “Excuse me; you’ll have to take your call outside.”

Student: “Oh, sorry!” *into the phone* “I’m in the library, I’ll just have to go outside…”

(She leaves, but as the library doors and walls are entirely of glass, and she stands in the hall just outside the door to hold her conversation, everybody inside the library can hear her side of it, and it’s clearly a call about a job opening. After a five-minute discussion, she comes back in and calls over to the desk where I’m working:)

Student: “Sorry about that!”

(She then returns to her seat, but soon comes up to my desk.)

Student: “Excuse me, but the students sitting near me are talking and making so much noise that I can’t concentrate.”

Me: *stunned at her brass neck and lack of self-awareness*

Student: “If you could just tell them to be quiet, or ask them to leave…”

Me: “I’ll certainly ask them to be quiet if I hear them making any noise, but I can’t ask them to leave.”

(The students in question were being quiet at that point, although I eventually did need to speak to them, but I couldn’t get over the gall of the woman after having disturbed the entire library with her phone call!)

(I’m the weird coworker in this one. I supervise a large staff. One of the librarians on staff is known for being un-gross-out-able. One day I’m snacking on unsulphured dried apricots. Without the sulphur, they don’t stay orange but turn brown like raisins, but of course much larger.)

Librarian: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Turds.”

Librarian: “That’s what I thought.”

(To my horror, I realize a new librarian is nearby and has turned around to stare at us. Luckily, she burst out laughing. When you’re the boss, you’re not supposed to say you’re eating turds in the workroom.)

(The library I work at has recently had a new system installed. Now it alerts us if someone has already taken a book out previously, which can be helpful if
a customer reads a lot of a similar genre or series like Mills & Boon books. Usually we just let the customer know about the alert and ask if they want to take the book again anyway. A customer comes to my desk just as my colleague informs the customer they are serving that they’ve taken a particular book out before.)
My customer: “I hate it when you lot tell me that.”
Me: “Oh. Well, the computer tells us automatically, and some people don’t remember what they’ve read and don’t like to reread a book.”
Customer: “It’s none of your business what I read. I don’t think you should be able to see that information.”
Me: *unsure if he’s joking* “Well, we see the books when you bring them to the desk anyway?”
Customer: *ignoring me* “Should be freedom of information or something like that. You shouldn’t know what I have out. It should all just go blank after you’ve scanned it out. It’s none of your business.”
Me: *giving up* “Well, I’ll try to remember not to tell you when you’ve taken a book out before. Umm, did you want your other books renewed?”
Customer: “Yes please. Wait…which books do I have out?”
Me: “…”