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Ah, Books: Gatekeepers Of The Intelligent, Apparently

, , , , , | Right | August 23, 2021

My first job is as a busboy when I’m in high school. It’s a small mom-and-pop bar/restaurant that’s sort of the dedicated hangout spot for all the suburbanites of the area.

One notable regular we have is a banker who routinely comes in during the later hours to get completely wasted. He’s sort of the condescending, know-it-all type that assumes he’s smarter than everyone else when he’s drunk, but he never gets too belligerent and he’s a great tipper, so most of the staff leaves him be.

On this particular evening, he’s going into a long-winded speech about how people in the service industry, teenagers especially, are uneducated; when I’m making a run through the dining area with a few empty plates, he beckons me over.

Banker: “Hey, what’s the last book you ever read?”

I respond without so much as missing a beat.

Me:The Count of Monte Cristo.”

Apparently, that completely takes him off guard as he sputters for a few moments while trying to come up with a proper retort, the bartender near him wearing a smirk.

Banker: “Well, what about before that?”

Me:The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.”

The banker frowned and returned to his drink, apparently admitting defeat as the bartender tried to suppress a laugh. Out of all the people he had to come at with that question, he managed to pick the only bookworm in the entire place.

Cute As The Dickens, Dumb As A Box Of Rocks

, , , , , | Right | August 18, 2021

I ordered a copy of “Bleak House” by Charles Dickens from a local bookstore because I wanted a certain edition. When it arrived, I went by to pick it up and had this conversation with the cashier.

Cashier: “Oh, I saw this book on the hold shelf. It’s big.”

Me: “Yeah, I needed this edition.”

Cashier: “Charles Dickens is the guy who wrote Moby Dick, right?”

Me: *Pauses* “No.”

Cashier: “Oh, I guess I’ve never heard of him.”

Me: “Everyone’s heard of Charles Dickens. Even if you’ve never read him, you’ve heard of some of his stuff.”

Cashier: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, he wrote A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, A Tale of Two Cities…”

Cashier: “Ohhhhh… Did he also write The Count Of Monte Cristo?”

Me: “What?”

Cashier: “Well, that one’s big, too.”

Me: “Please stop. One, you’re embarrassing yourself, and two, you work in a bookstore; you need to educate yourself.”

Their Assumptions That Retail Workers Are Stupid Are Wilde

, , | Right | July 12, 2021

I work as a cashier at a grocery store. I have one degree and am in the middle of another; the bulk of my coworkers either have a degree or are working on one.

A snotty customer makes a comment about Oscar Wilde, but then adds:

Customer: “But you wouldn’t know who that is.”

Me:The Importance of Being Earnest? The Picture of Dorian Gray? Known for his witty one-liners? Yeah, I’ve heard of him.”

The customer shut up quickly and went about his business.

Tell Us Who She Is So We Can Start A GoFundMe

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2021

I work at a small-town library. A certain patron will come in, dart straight to the nonfiction section, and grab the same book each time to bring it up to the front desk.

Patron: “Is there any chance that this book will go on sale?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a library. If you have a library card with us, you are welcome to check it out, but the book is not for sale.”

Patron: “I don’t have a library card with you guys. I no longer live in the area, but this is the only library that has this book, and I just love this book so much that I was just hoping that if it doesn’t get checked out a lot then maybe it will go to your book sale.”

We have a small book sale all year round where we sell books that have been donated or books that have been withdrawn from our system.

Me: “It is possible that if it hasn’t been checked out in years then we will withdraw it from our system and put it in our book sale, but I can’t guarantee that will happen. That decision is made by our librarians.”

Patron: “Okay. Thank you very much for your time.”

I take the book back and scan it to our system, letting it know that it has been seen recently. I notice that the book hasn’t been checked out in many years but it was seen about a year ago — most likely because I had the same conversation with the same lady a year ago. While putting the book on the cart so it can be reshelved, my coworker, who witnessed the whole thing, comes up to me.

Coworker: “If she keeps on pulling the book out, then it won’t be withdrawn anytime soon. It is telling our system that at least someone is showing an interest in the book whether they check it out or not.”

Me: “Yep. Oh, well, at least she was nice.”

The Highest Of Crimes

, , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: sweetpoison02 | June 18, 2021

As a teenager, many years ago, my favourite book was Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice. What can I say? I was very much into the Emo Vampires back then.

My best friend asked to borrow it, as she was curious because of how often I spoke about it. Normally, I didn’t like loaning out books as I’m very particular about them and didn’t like to risk them being damaged, but as I said, this was my best friend, so I agreed and brought the book into school the next day to loan to her.

A few weeks went by and I asked her how she was getting on with the book, what she thought, etc. She told me she’d gotten about halfway through, but her little sister had gotten her hands on it and drawn all over the pages, so she threw it out. She then asked me when I’d buy another copy and if she could finish it when I did.

I told her she should be buying me a new copy. She said it wasn’t her fault her sister had ruined it and she wasn’t going to pay for it.

We aren’t friends anymore.