Totally Divorced From Reality

, , , | Legal Right | December 3, 2018

(Our office used to be a family practice with three separate lawyers. Because the father is soon to retire and our office is an older house, his children (two sons) have moved to their own offices. We now have a much smaller staff, and I’m one of three people who open the office before eight each day. Our clients understand the lawyer doesn’t come in until nine, so they tend not to call before that time. However, when I come in one morning, the phone is going off at 7:30. We are expected not to answer phones so we can get morning tasks done before we answer, so I wait until eight to answer the first call of the day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Office].”

Caller: “About time! I’ve called seven or eight times already!”

Me: “I apologize; we don’t open office until eight o’clock. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Until eight?! This is life or death, and you’re going to make me wait until eight? What if I had been dying?”

Me: “Then I would hope you’d call an ambulance or the police. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t know if I want him helping me anymore, if that’s how y’all act. Maybe I need to be calling someone else.”

Me: “That is your prerogative, sir. I apologize we couldn’t help you when you liked, but no one is able to answer your calls before eight. Thank you and—”

Caller: “Wait! I want to talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1] about representing me! Don’t be hanging up on me yet. Any chance I can talk to him?”

Me: “Mr. [Lawyer #1] isn’t in until nine o’clock. Is this about [type of law]? If so, I can get you to our intake to get a name, number, and some information.”

Caller: “What? No. This is about family law. Isn’t that who I called?”

Me: “Ah, no, sir. That would be [Lawyer #1]’s son, [Lawyer #2], who moved out six months ago. The phone books are still catching up in changing his information online. I can give you his new phone number.” *relays number to him* “Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.”

(A minute later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a divorce case and—”

Me: “Sir, I believe you called earlier. I gave you [Lawyer #2]’s number, correct?”

Caller: “D***, this ain’t his number?? What’s his number again?”

Me: “The only number that [Lawyer #2] has is [number]. If you’re unable to reach [Lawyer #2] at his number, it may be that his receptionist wasn’t able to reach the phone. Try again.”

(The caller hangs up and a few minutes later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “D*** it!” *hangs up*

(I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him that was the only number that lawyer had. Aside from that, I’m not sure how a divorce is a matter of life or death.)

Honor Among Scammers

, , , , | Legal | December 2, 2018

(I am with my mom when she gets a voicemail from an obvious scammer. She decides to call the number the voicemail was sent from. She puts it on speaker phone so I can hear, as well.)

Scammer #1: “Hello?”

Mom: “Yes, I just received a voicemail from your company about a warrant I need to pay off?”

Scammer #1: “Yes, yes, we can help you pay off your warrant; we just need you to answer a few questions for security. What is your birthday?”

Mom: “[Date that is not her birthday].”

Scammer #1: “Okay, thank you.” *hangs up*

(Bewildered by the sudden hang up, my mom calls the number again and gets a different person.)

Scammer #2: “Yes, hello?”

Mom: “Hi. I was just talking to a coworker of yours about paying a warrant, but I answered one of his questions and he hung up on me.”

Scammer #2: *pause* “Look, ma’am, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but this is a scam, all right? Don’t give these people your information or money, please.”

Mom: *holding in laughter* “Okay, thanks for telling me.” *ends call*

(We spent the next few minutes laughing and congratulating the honest scammer.)

She Slipped Up

, , , , , | Legal | December 1, 2018

I work for a bulk store. I had just clocked out and was about to go home when I saw a woman look around — I assume to make sure no one was around — and pour a little bit of water out of a water bottle.

She proceeded to put her heel in the water and swing it to spread the water, and then laid down on her back right beside the water she’d poured out. She started yelling, “Ow! Oh, my God, I slipped!” and lay there, completely still.

A coworker of mine heard her and came running over to ask what happened. The woman told her she’d slipped on water and fallen, that she wanted a manager to fill out an accident report, and that she needed an ambulance. When the manager came over and started talking to her, I approached them all and told the three of them what I’d seen. The woman started screaming at the top of her lungs until I pointed at the multiple security cameras pointed in the direction the woman had been laying, and told the manager I’d be more than willing to testify in court to what I’d seen.

The woman got up and practically sprinted away, tripped over her own feet, and slid across the concrete floor face-down. We ended up calling an ambulance because she was bleeding pretty badly, and she attempted to sue, but her lawyer dropped the case when the store’s lawyer gave them all the security footage, and the written statement from me as an eyewitness, saying she was already trying to launch a fraudulent lawsuit. This was several years ago, and none of us have seen her back.

Your Job Provides Some Killer Stories

, , , , | Legal | November 30, 2018

I had a customer call and ask for pricing to make a key for a motorcycle. He brought it in an hour or two later and dropped it off. A lot of locksmiths just simply don’t deal with motorcycles because of the hassle, and we were one of maybe two companies that did within at least a 30-mile radius.

I was usually the guy that got to do these, because I was pretty quick at it. I made a key for the bike, called the guy, and he came and got it.

That night on the news, there was a story about a local Craigslist sale where a guy met another guy to make a sale and got murdered… for a motorcycle. The pics they showed on the news looked exactly like the one I had made a key for.

I called the police when I got to work the next morning and told them about it, and gave them the name and number that the guy had given me when he dropped it off.

So, the guy not only took a stolen bike that was taken in a murder to a local shop, it turned out that he ended up calling the police and talking about buying the bike. Perhaps it was initially to try and cast suspicion away from himself, but he ended up confessing to it.

I just found out today that I won’t be testifying at his trial because he just plead out to 60 years in prison, and therefore won’t be having a trial.

You Don’t Have The Power To Shut Us Down

, , , , | Legal | November 29, 2018

I work in a convenience store. The laws in my state basically cut off all sales of alcohol at 2:00 am. A drunk man comes in at 2:10 and gets angry when he cannot buy beer. He throws a fit and I kick him out.

He comes back about an hour later and parks his car near the edge of the lot, but he doesn’t come inside. I see him get out of his car and go storming out of sight around the corner of the building, with something long in his hands — too distant to see it clearly. This freaks me out, naturally.

The phone is in my hand to call the police, when suddenly the whole store goes dark. I sprint to the front door and lock it while telling the dispatcher what’s going on.

A police officer comes inside to stay with me while two others go around back. Over the cop’s radio, we both hear a request put in for an ambulance.

They find him knocked out behind the store, and a camping hatchet — the non-insulated metal kind — buried in the severed power conduit. One shoe was blown completely off and is sitting, alone, a few feet from his unconscious body. Melted a hole right through it. Somehow, he gets off with only a few burns, rather than a medium-to-well-done cooked heart.

We get to listen to cops trying to figure out whether or not they will need to shut down the power to the area to get the hatchet out, because with evidence sitting right in front of them, they are not going to touch that thing to bring it into evidence until they know it is safe.

The owner has to shut the store down for a full day to have the power cable repaired.

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