The Grinch In Disguise

, , , , , | Legal | December 23, 2019

(It’s my first year patrolling alone around Christmas and I have been warned that I might meet the Grinch one of these days. Well, today I did. We have just had a heavy snowstorm with icy roads. I pull an elderly lady over for a traffic infraction: going too fast for conditions. Though she was only going 70 in a 65 mph zone, the roads are very slick and we have already responded to several accidents because of cars going off the road. It’s just two days before Christmas. She is very pleasant and talkative about her evening and upcoming Christmas Day plans and makes a few funny jokes as I’m running her details. When I first approached her car, I noticed she was decked out in Christmas attire, wearing a sweater with a light-up Christmas tree, a blinking Rudolph nose on her nose, and reindeer antlers with bells on them. This happens at the end of the stop as I’m letting her go WITHOUT the possible $250 ticket, instead giving her a warning.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am.” *jokingly* “Dispatch didn’t find you on the FBI Most Wanted List, so you’re free to go. Here is your paperwork back. Drive carefully and Merry Christmas!”

Elderly Lady: *screeching that sounds like nails on a chalkboard, sending chills down my spine* “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, YOUNG MAN?!”

Me: *taken aback by the sudden shift in attitude, thinking she didn’t get or took offense to my FBI joke* “I’m sorry, ma’am, yo—”

Elderly Lady: “How dare you?!”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Elderly Lady: “How dare you wish me a Merry Christmas! How do you know I celebrate Christmas? How do you know I’m not Jewish?! I want the name of your boss, and give me your name and badge number! I am going to file a complaint for discrimination; this is unacceptable!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sor—”

Elderly Lady: “Listen here, young man! You need to learn to respect people and not assume they celebrate whatever you do. The world doesn’t revolve around officer [My Name] as much as you’d like it to think it does!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense towards you. I’m sorry I assumed you celebrate Christmas because you just told me you were so looking forward to Christmas and how you were going to your daughter’s Christmas feast. You are wearing a sweater with a lit-up Christmas tree on it, a blinking Rudolph nose, and reindeer antlers on your head, but again, I’m sorry.”

Elderly Lady: *slowly reaches up only to realize she is indeed wearing reindeer antlers, then looks down at her Christmas sweater and slowly removes the blinking bulb from her nose* “I, uh… Um, are we done here, officer?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you’re free to go. Drive safely as it is supposed to rain and snow more later on today.”

(After she pulled off, I just sat in my patrol car for a few minutes trying to figure out what had just happened. I told my bosses what had happened and they congratulated me on finally getting my very first Hypocritical-Politically-Correct-Happy-Holidays-Do-Gooder. Apparently, they ran into several every year, some of whom got mad at them for saying, “Happy Holidays,” some of whom over, “Merry Christmas.”)

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Have A Bombastic Christmas

, , , , , , | Legal | December 22, 2019

(It is just before Christmas and my parents and I have flown interstate to spend the holidays with my sister. We are all heading down the highway back to her house, with my sister and mum in the backseat chatting away and me sitting shotgun, leaving my dad driving. We end up taking an exit too soon. Had my dad taken the correct exit, the speed limit we are traveling at, 100km/h, would have continued for some time. But instead, the speed limit for the exit we do take rapidly drops down to 80, and my dad, in his flustered state at having gotten lost, misses all the speed signs. Lo and behold, there are the cops. We get pulled over.) 

Officer: *to my dad* “You were doing 96 in an 80 zone.”

Dad: “We are visiting my sister, and I am unfamiliar with the roads.”

(When my flustered dad ends up starting to repeat himself, the officer cuts him off saying that he will be back after checking his license. In Western Australia, if you’re found speeding at up to 9km/h over you only get a $70 and no demerit points; however, at 10 to 19 over it’s $330 and two demerit points. Considering it’s just before Christmas, it’s double-demerit point season, leaving my dad facing a $660 fine and four demerit points. My mum is now having a go at my dad, getting him worked up, and he proceeds to enter what we call “the bombastic mode,” and as such, all information will go in one ear and out the other.)

Officer: *returns to the car* “Because you are travelling interstate and visiting family, and it’s the holiday season, I’m going to be lenient with the charge and only book you at the lower offence: $140 and zero demerits.”

(Bombastic Mode Dad proceeds to not take a word of this in and starts arguing with the officer, again saying how we had gotten lost etc. I lean over, grab his arm, look him dead in the eye, and say:)

Me: “Shut the f*** up.”

(I then look over at the officer, smile, and say:)

Me: “Thank you, officer. My dad really does appreciate you only fining him for a minor offence and not the higher offence, for which—” *death glares my dad* “—HE IS 100% AT FAULT. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a pleasant day, and don’t have to deal with any more morons today.”

(I release my tight grip on his arm and sit back. My dad then sheepishly takes the ticket and his license and thanks the officer, and the officer walks back to the patrol car.)

Mum: “You’re a f****** idiot.”

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If You Get This Call, It’s Time To Bail!

, , , , | Legal | December 21, 2019

(My grandparents receive a call from a scammer claiming to be me. The caller says that I got drunk, wrecked my car, and am now in jail and they need to wire $5,000 for bail. When my grandfather asks why my voice sounds different, the scammer says I have a broken nose. When my grandfather offers to drive to the police station and post bail in person, the scammer has some excuse why the money has to be wired. My grandparents recognize this as a scam and hang up. I visit them the next day.)

Grandfather: “I see your nose has healed up.”

Me: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t bail me out of jail.”

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This Story Has A Lot Of Paragraphs

, , , , | Legal | December 20, 2019

(I’m a truck driver and have been for 18 years now. I drive on this particular road every day, so I know it well. Due to previous colleagues and bosses over the years trying to make me work faster by saying this or that is actually allowed, even though it isn’t, I’ve started examining the various laws to make sure I don’t do anything that would get me fined by the police. Along the way, I’ve discovered many other unrelated paragraphs that are just fun bonus info. I am on my way back to the company after finishing my last delivery. It is late Friday evening, I am talking to a buddy of mine via headset, and I am almost at my destination when I see a car pull up on my left side and stay there for a bit. Blue lights come on. I pull over and wait while both officers approach me. Throughout most of this exchange, [Officer #1] does the talking while [Officer #2] remains oddly quiet.)

Me: “Evening, officers. What can I do for you tonight?”

Officer #1: “You can start by telling me what you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Um… driving a truck and talking to a friend?” *pulls on headset cord to prove it’s in* “Why do you ask?”

Officer #1: “You’re going 70 in a 90 zone; that can cause some serious situations with people getting annoyed and overtaking when they shouldn’t.”

Me: “Yes?”

Officer #1: “You’re not allowed to drive that slowly!

Me: “How fast should I be going, then?”

Officer #1: “80, at least; otherwise, you will disrupt traffic too much, and when we pulled you over, there were about fifteen cars behind you because you were driving far too slow.”

Me: “80? Hmm, that’s odd.” *turning to [Officer #2]* “Do you agree with your colleague?”

Officer #2: “I do.”

Me: “Okay, then. One question. When you say I’m not allowed to drive slow, are you referring to [traffic law] Paragraph 41, Section 3?”

Officer #1: *jaw dropped* “Um… y-yes, I am.”

Me: “I see… Well, officers, while I totally get why you pulled me over, and I do hate it when other people are driving slower than me on the freeway, according to [traffic law] Paragraph 43, Section 2, trucks like this one are not allowed to go past 70 km/h on roads of this particular classification, even though the signs clearly state a 90 limit. The only place I am legally allowed to drive 80, as you suggested I do ‘at least,’ is on the freeway, which is specified in Paragraph 43, Section 4. I am under no circumstances allowed to drive faster than 80 and never outside of the freeway, so I cannot legally drive any faster than the 70 I was doing when you pulled me over.”

(I could almost hear the pin drop at the same time as their jaws, along with the gears in their head trying to comprehend what just happened.)

Officer #1: “O-okay, then… I guess there’s no reason to stay mad at you, then.”

Me: “That would be a waste of energy.”

Officer #2: “If you would just blow into this breathalyzer before we leave, we’ll let you get on your way.”

(I blow.)

Officer #2: “It’s 0.0; you’re good to go.”

Me: “Thank you and goodnight.”

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The Arrow Of Justice

, , , , , | Legal | December 19, 2019

(I am driving down the street. We have the arrow and the green to go since oncoming traffic has no one in the left turning lane. I’m halfway through the intersection when someone in an SUV comes barreling down, making the turn real quickly, and hits me, f****** up the door and smashing the window. I end up on the curb before I come to a complete stop. I get out of the car and call 911. People come to my aid to make sure I am okay and they also call 911 to give their statements as they can’t stay long. The other driver starts screaming.)

Woman: “I HAD THE ARROW! WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Me: “No, you didn’t.”

Woman: “YES, I DID! ONCOMING TRAFFIC HAD IT! THAT MEANS I DID, TOO!”

Good Samaritan: “Ma’am, you did not have the arrow; I would know as I was right behind this young man and we had the green light.”

(After a few minutes, he and his friends leave and the cops show up. Someone else who stayed behind tells her she didn’t have the arrow, either, as he was right behind her. The officer comes up to me and asks me a few questions, and he pretty much sums it up: she was at fault. She starts fuming.)

Woman: “HOW IS IT MY FAULT?! HE’S THE IDIOT WHO WOULDN’T WAIT FOR ME TO TURN!”

Officer: “Ma’am, lower your voice. After witness statements, I know that you did not have the arrow and he was already in the intersection.”

Woman: “WHO CARES?! I WAS GOING TO MAKE A LEFT-HAND TURN; THAT MEANS HE HAS TO STOP AND WAIT FOR ME!”

Officer: “Again, ma’am, lower your voice, and no, he doesn’t. He had the green, and he had to keep moving; otherwise, he would’ve stalled traffic. Now, you must report to traffic court on the day listed on the ticket I’m issuing you.”

Woman: “I HAVE TO BE BACK IN CANADA BEFORE THEN! I CAN’T AFFORD TO MAKE THE TRIP BACK!”

(The officer starts rolling his eyes at this point.)

Officer: “Ma’am, if you are here visiting from another country, then I’m not only going to need to see your driver’s license, but your passport, as well.”

Woman: “NO! I REFUSE!”

Officer: “Ma’am, if you refuse and don’t let me finish my report so we can all be on our way, I will arrest you.”

(She finally gave up both her license and passport. She was told if she didn’t report back to the US for the court there would be a warrant out for her arrest and she would get extradited. I’m not sure if what he said was true but I think he was having a bad day. He finally sent me on my way but kept her a few more minutes. I don’t know what happened afterward, but since she was at fault, her insurance covered most of the damage done to the car. I haven’t heard anything about it since.)

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