Can’t Divorce Themselves From The Fees

, , , | Legal | October 6, 2018

Me: *answering phone* “[Law Firm].”

Woman: “I need a divorce attorney. Probably. Maybe.”

Me: “Our firm does do divorces—”

Woman: “But I don’t want the divorce!” *bursts into tears* “HE does! He moved cross-country for work and I was starting to pack our stuff, and then he called and said he wanted a divorce…” *sobs*

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment with an attorney so you can know your rights and what to expect.”

Woman: “I just have one question first…” *asks a question about separation rights that would require a lawyer to answer*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t answer that for you; that’s something you need to discuss with an attorney.”

Woman: “How much would that cost?”

Me: “An initial consult is a one-hour meeting for a fee of [total].”

Woman: *suddenly no longer crying* “Well, what if I don’t have that kind of money? My god, my husband’s abandoned me and I need help, and you’re going on about money! I’m not going to pay for an hour-long meeting when all I really need answered is one question!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I am not an attorney, I literally cannot answer that question. I do not have the knowledge. You would need to schedule an initial consult at the stated rate.”

Woman: “Well… well… Maybe I’ll go find a free attorney!”

Me: “You are welcome to do so, ma’am. We want you to be pleased with your legal representation.”

Woman: “You know, I was ready to schedule a meeting with one of your attorneys! Completely ready! All I needed was my one question answered first!”

Me: “Ma’am, one of the paradoxes of needing a lawyer is that you often need to meet with one to know for sure whether you need one.”

Woman: “I am going to find a free attorney who will answer all my questions immediately!*hangs up*

Me: “Good luck with that.”

A Criminal Can’t Change Their Stripes

, , , , , , | Legal | October 5, 2018

I’m a cashier in a department store, working at one of the registers near the exit door. I often exchange light-hearted banter with the customers, which most have no problems with. One cold winter day I had a young man come through my line, and his only purchase was a balaclava, a stocking cap which covers all of the head but the eyes and mouth.

During the transaction, I commented about how cold it was and it seemed like a wise purchase. He nodded but didn’t say anything. As I finished the transaction I jokingly said, “Now, I don’t want to read in the news about a robber wearing a black balaclava with a blue stripe!” Immediately, the customer froze and glared at me for a moment, then grabbed the bag containing his purchase and practically ran out the door, depositing the bag in the trashcan on the way by.


The Bicycle Wheels Of Karmic Justice

, , , , | Legal | October 4, 2018

(I am working in a store popular with teenagers. It’s a busy weekday, and I’m in the back room eating my dinner. Just as I’m finishing up, there’s a knock at the door.)

Boss: “[My Name], are you almost done?”

Me: “Sure thing, [Boss], what do you need?”

Boss: “[Coworker] and I need to sit these two shoplifters in here while we wait for the police. Can you watch the front?”

Me: “Will do!”

(The boss and my coworker take two teenagers into the break room. I head out to the front, run the shop, show the police through on their arrival, etc. Our till is by the window, and there are two expensive-looking bikes parked outside. After a while, two other teenagers come along and ride the bikes away. A little while later, the police escort two handcuffed teenagers from the back room. As they leave…)

Shoplifter: “Where the f*** are our bikes?!”

A Careless Display Of Criminality

, , , | Legal Right | October 3, 2018

(I’m on my shift walking around when I see a man shove items into his jacket. I call out to him but he quickly turns and runs, only to trip over a nearby display.)

Man: “Ow! Are you f***ing crazy? I could have died because of your careless display! I’m going to sue you for everything you’ve got!”

Me: “I’m sure that will hold up in court. ‘Oh, I tripped because I was trying to get out fast with unpaid items.’”

Man: “So… how much will this cost?”

Trespassing On The Law

, , , , | Legal | October 3, 2018

(My family has a hunting cabin in a very rural area. Our land borders part of a national forest, and there is another piece of private property on the other side of the national forest land. Nobody in my family has ever met the person or people who own this other property. Because the property lines are difficult to follow when you’re walking through the forest, my dad has mapped all of the boundaries with his GPS unit so we know exactly where the boundaries are. One day during deer hunting season, I’m in my deer stand on national forest land when a man rides directly under my stand with his ATV.)

Man: “Hey! Get off of my property or I’ll call the cops!”

Me: *realizing he must be the owner of the neighboring property* “Sir, I’m on national forest land.”

Man: “Like h*** you are! That’s it. I’m calling the Department of Natural Resources. Stay here and we’ll get an officer out to settle this.”

(The man rides away. I assume he’s going to his cabin to make his call, and knowing that I have done nothing wrong, I stay in my stand. About an hour later, the man returns with a DNR officer.)

Man: “Here we are. As you can see, this man here has been on my property all day.”

Officer: “Well, let’s look at the GPS.” *he checks his GPS unit* “Sir, according to my GPS, this stand is actually on national forest land.”

Man: “Like h*** it is! I mapped the boundary line out last year, and put up No Trespassing signs all along the line. Come on over and I’ll show you the closest sign.”

(We all walk over to the man’s “No Trespassing” sign, and the officer checks his GPS again.)

Officer: “Actually, this sign is also on national forest land, and since it’s illegal to put private No Trespassing signs on national forest land, I’m going to have to write you a citation for that.”

(I thanked the officer and walked back to my cabin, fighting to contain my laughter until I was well out of hearing range. I’ve continued hunting in that same spot for several years since that story took place, and have never seen any sign of the man since.)

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