Stay At This Motel For A Banging Time!

, , , , | Legal | August 17, 2019

(I’m a guest in a motel. I’ve already been woken up by loud people twice, so when I’m woken again at 3:30 am by someone banging loudly for over five minutes, I’m really unimpressed, to say the least. I’m on the first floor, while the noise is coming from a room on the opposite side on the third floor. I cannot see who’s knocking. I go out for a cigarette while the banging’s still happening.)

Me: “Shut the f*** up.”

(Three police officers stick their heads over the balcony.)

Officer #1: “Sorry about this.”

Me: “Ah, oops. Sorry, I didn’t know it was you guys, but it is after 3:30.”

Officer #2: “Sorry, but if we have to kick the door in it will be even louder.”

Me: “Do what you need to do. Thanks for letting me know.”

(I finish my smoke and go inside. Luckily, the noise stops and I’m able to sleep. When I get up, I find a plastic bag on my door with some chocolate, a gift card to a coffee shop, and a note.)

Note: “Sorry for the disturbance. Enjoy the chocolate and coffee. [Officers].”

(I found out from the manager that a woman was hiding her boyfriend who was wanted for armed robbery and sexual assault. They’d put a wardrobe and table in front of the door and refused to come out. Luckily, he gave up and surrendered without too much fuss.)

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Driving Through Clichés

, , , , , | Legal | August 16, 2019

I’m stopped at a light at the end of the main thoroughfare through my town. Either direction, there are only two ways you can go: left or right. 

The way the intersection works is that those coming into town have a green arrow first while those leaving town — i.e. me — have a delayed green. There is no turn allowed on red, so even those turning right have to wait for the light. 

I’m waiting to turn right and am sitting behind another car. The light turns green but one last car decides to run the light and make the left, so we have to wait. The problem is that the moment the green arrow goes away, the crosswalk to the right becomes active and everyone walking across the road has the right of way. 

And wouldn’t you know, at the exact moment the guy decides to run the light, there is a perfect poster for why you yield for pedestrians — an elderly couple and a young woman with a stroller are all attempting to cross. The elderly man holds up his hand to wave to the car to stop, but the car ignores it and cuts in front of them. I’m thinking, “Wow, what a jerk!” when the car in front of me finally goes, so I turn, as well.

That’s when I see it. The problem is that right by this intersection is the municipal court and the police station. And right there, at this moment, is a squad car, who sees the guy run the light and cut off the people in the crosswalk. Not far down the road, the cop pulls him over. 

I retold my dad the story and he said the fines and penalties the guy would be hit with would be quite hefty.

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This Is Why They Do It

, , , , , | Legal | August 15, 2019

My stepfather works at an energy company as a machinist. He and a few of his coworkers are all heading to lunch together. As they are walking, one man takes a call from an unknown number. It soon becomes clear from his end of the conversation that he’s talking to one of those scammers that tells you your computer has a virus.

All the other guys are waving their arms and telling him to hang up, but this man doesn’t get the hint. He gives them his credit card information and hangs up. My stepfather tells him that was obviously a scam, and he said, “No, they’re charging me very reasonably for the service — only $49.99!”

My stepfather gets him to check his bank account. The scammers have charged him $49.99, all right — dozens of times, until the account was empty.

The man immediately jumps back on the phone, and my stepfather is left to wonder how people who are trusted to handle dangerous equipment like generators and power lines can be so very gullible.

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Fifty Years And They’re Still Not Over It

, , , | Legal | August 14, 2019

(I work at a small, privately-owned funeral home. While my main job title is embalmer, during less busy periods I also work in the office and often have to answer the phones. The funeral home opened in 1935 and was named after the original owner; the business has changed hands numerous times over the years, but the name has always stayed the same. This has resulted in some telemarketers requesting to speak to the original owner who, of course, has been dead for more than 50 years. Usually, we just tell them we aren’t interested, as the owner figures if they can’t bother to figure out who owns the business, then they mustn’t have anything of use for us. However, one day, after having already received several phone calls asking for [Original Owner], I decide to have a little fun.)

Telemarketer: “Good afternoon. This is [Telemarketer] from [Scam Company]. Could I please speak to [original owner]?”

Me: “I’m so sorry; you hadn’t heard? He passed away… in 1965.”

Telemarketer: “Oh…” *click*

(I figure the very least a scam company could do to make their act convincing is to update their records.)

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The Filthy Animal In This Story Is Not The Dog

, , , , | Legal | August 13, 2019

(I’m taking some inventory around the store. I have a service dog, though I have a special harness that loops around my body so I have my hands free for work. He has a very obvious vest on with a large patch that says, “Working service dog.” As I’m finishing a section, a woman drags my manager over.)

Woman: “You allow people to bring their mutts in?!”

Manager: “Ma’am, that’s a service dog. It’s illegal to ban them.”

Woman: “No, it’s a dumb animal! Throw them both out!”

(I give my manager a weird look.)

Manager: “Ma’am, it is very illegal for me to do so. He is considered medical equipment, and it’s discrimination for me to ask someone to either leave their service animal outside or deny them service for having one.”


Manager: “You need to leave, ma’am.”

(The woman reaches for the part of the harness that goes around my body. I push her hand away and step back. She SLAPS me and yanks on the harness strap.)


Woman: “Call them! Tell them you’re letting people bring in filthy animals!”

(My manager calls them. I hide over behind a counter, where the woman can’t get to me. When the police arrive, the woman rants about how my manager is letting any animal in, while pointing to me and my service dog. An officer comes over to me.)

Officer: “Can we get a statement from you?”

Me: “Yeah, she came up with my manager going on about my service dog and how he shouldn’t be in here. My manager told her he’s legally allowed to be here, and then she decided she’d kick us out herself. She hit me and tried to pull on my harness.”

Officer: “All right, let me talk to her again.”

(She was arrested for assault and banned from the store. My manager sent me home early with pay.)

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