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Stories about breaking the law!

That Student’s A Real S***head

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 1, 2023

I work in a police station. A deputy comes into the office.

Deputy: “Do you have any spare hats?”

Me: “Probably not; they need to be ordered in. Why?”

Deputy: “Somebody crapped in mine.”

Me: *Laughing* “What?! Please explain to me what set of circumstances led up to that.”

Deputy: “While I was driving, I saw somebody badly hungover. I pulled over to check on him. He was a student, so I offered him a lift back to his dorm. He got into the cruiser and sat on the hat, and something didn’t smell right.”

Me: “No…?”

Deputy: “He was so hammered that he had already crapped his pants.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Deputy: “I kicked him out of the SUV, told him to make his own way home, and threw the hat in the dumpster. Then I came here looking for a spare one.”

Me: “Bad luck, deputy. I’ll order one in, but you may do without or borrow until then.”

Deputy: “Better than wearing somebody’s s*** on my head.”

The deputy managed without a stetson for the next week.

Even Batman Had To Have Meal Breaks Once In A While

, , , , , | Legal | December 29, 2022

I am a police officer. My city has a chronic inability to keep crossing guards, but kids still need to cross the road safely to school, so when there is no crossing guard for a corner, officers are assigned to cover it.

I am scheduled to cover a corner at a specific time — too soon to risk getting caught on another call but just long enough away that I can grab coffee at my favorite local place and kill five minutes by sitting to eat my granola bar breakfast.

It is about 8:00 am; almost no calls come out around that time anyway, as it’s after a lot of the morning car accidents and too early for much else.

Enter a Concerned Citizen. She approaches my table and starts talking to me with no intro.

Citizen: “Is the city safe?”

Me: *Confused* “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Citizen: “Is the city safe with you in here?”

Internally, I reply, “As safe as it is when I pee or anything else normal.” But out loud, I say:

Me: “Yes, ma’am. There are lots of other officers working, and I’m eating really quickly before a detail. I’ll hear on the radio if I need to respond to anything emergent.”

The woman snorted and walked off.

I’m still not sure if she thinks I’m Batman, single-handedly keeping the criminals from overrunning the place, or if she just doesn’t think cops should be allowed to use the bathroom or eat food for twelve-plus hours at a time.

Justice Is In The Pipeline

, , , , , , , | Legal | December 26, 2022

I work as a contractor replacing water meters for the city. The utility company calls the homeowners and offers them free new water meters, and I get to install them.

I get to a house with a woman who has a “cheater pipe” installed. This is basically a pipe that bypasses the water meter, so she’s not paying for the water she’s using.

I aim to be nice, and instead of calling the police, which I am required to do, I say:

Me: “I’m going to have to remove this pipe to install the new meter.”

Homeowner: *Flips out* “I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to the new fancy meter!”

Me: “You have no choice; it’s required, and eventually, they’ll just come in to do it or shut your water off. Better we do it now and avoid any hassle.”

Again, I am trying to SAVE her, but nope.

Homeowner: “You’re being threatening! I’m calling the cops!”

I washed my hands of her and let her call the cops. The cops showed up, and I explained my side and showed them the cheater pipe bypassing the meter. They arrested her on the spot while I installed the new meter. She was screaming while being handcuffed that I had done this to her, and I’m like, no, lady, you’ve done this to yourself.

No Means No (And No Beer)

, , , , , , | Legal | CREDIT: cwu007 | December 26, 2022

I’m a retail manager for a retail drug store chain, and Friday nights are very busy. Everyone is excited for the weekend and alcohol sales are up.

It starts off as a typical Friday night until [Man] walks in. He makes his way to the cooler to buy a six-pack of beer in glass bottles. On his way there, he decides to hit on a woman and ask for her number. The woman’s boyfriend immediately confronts [Man].

Boyfriend: “[Woman] is my girlfriend!”

To get the full picture, the woman has a stroller with a baby in it, and her boyfriend is a large guy with tattoos for eyebrows and several extreme piercings.

Both parties go their separate ways until checkout.

[Man] is in front of [Boyfriend], and [Man] tries again to ask [Woman] for her number.

Boyfriend: *In a tougher, firmer voice* “Leave my girlfriend alone!”

After [Man] pays for his beer, he decides to wait outside, and again, he asks [Woman] for her number. [Boyfriend] is now mad. He grabs [Man]’s beer and slams it against a concrete pillar outside the store. Glass breaks, and there’s a large puddle of beer.

Boyfriend: “Next time, that’s your head.”

And he leaves with [Woman].

That is only the start of the crazy night with [Man]. He comes back in and asks for a manager.

Man: “I’d like a replacement for my beer.”

Manager: “Because we didn’t break your beer, we cannot replace it. We can call the police, though, so you can report the assault and the loss.”

Man: “The store would get a lot of bad publicity with the police and being on the news, so it would be cheaper and less stressful if you just give me another pack of beer.”

We kept saying no, multiple times.

Then, [Man] started a tantrum. He started punching the concrete poles, throwing whatever he could get his hands on, and even toppling the trash cans.

I called the police not once, but twice. Unfortunately, it took the police half an hour to get to the store. During that half-hour, [Man] was harassing customers and throwing his tantrum. Luckily, the other manager who was on duty with me was large and burly and offered to escort customers to their cars.

At one point, [Man] even tried to grab the manager’s leg like a little kid, begging for a beer.

When the police finally arrived, [Man] was throwing his shoes. He picked up a piece of broken glass, looking like he was ready to charge. That’s when the police drew their guns and ordered [Man] to put his hands up and get on the ground.

The police told me that what they had witnessed was enough for them to arrest him, but they took my statement for good measure.

Had [Man] just listened to [Boyfriend]’s first warning, he’d be home alone enjoying some beer. Instead, he spent the night in jail alone with no beer.

Congratulations; You Played Yourself

, , , , , , , | Legal | December 23, 2022

About ten years ago, I was working as a bank teller. I was pretty new, so I followed all the rules about checking IDs, even when my coworkers would sometimes be lax about it.

A man came in to cash a check drawn on our bank, but he said he didn’t have an account. I asked for his ID, required to cash all checks if you weren’t a customer of our bank. He pitched a fit (which happened a lot in that area), but he eventually handed it to me. It immediately looked… off. So, I asked him for a second form of ID. The fit escalated and he asked for my manager. We didn’t have one, but my supervisor was there, so I got her.

She took one look at the ID.

Supervisor: “We can’t accept this without a second form of ID.”

Man: “I don’t have one. Demanding that is illegal! I’m going to call the cops. They’ll tell you it’s a real ID, and then you’ll have to cash the check!”

Supervisor: *Very calmly* “We are not advising you to do that, but we also can’t stop you.”

The man made the call anyway. Around this time, the man’s companion, who had been waiting in the car, came in to see what was taking so long.

Man: “I’ve called the cops! Now we’re waiting for them to tell these people that my ID is real!”

The companion looked panic-stricken.

Companion: “We need to leave. Now.”

The police showed up. The companion looked like she was going to spontaneously combust. The man handed over his ID.

Man: “tell them it’s real, so they’ll cash my d*** check.”

The cop looked at the ID.

Cop: “Can’t. Where’d you get this?”

The man pointed to the companion now trying to go out the front door. 

And that’s how a guy called the cops on himself and his girlfriend for making and using fake IDs and got them both arrested.