The Only Thing That Hit Them Was Fraud Charges

, , , , , , | Legal | August 5, 2018

(I’m on my lunch break and taking the back roads, since the town I work in has a university, which means the two main roads flood with traffic around noon. As I’m coming to a red light, I notice a guy walking the sidewalk in the same direction that I’m going has come to a stop and is watching me intently. I’m watching him, too, because I’m unnerved by how hard he’s staring at me. As I get closer, he suddenly dashes in front of me and I have to slam on my brakes. Luckily, I miss him. He flops on the road in front of me, then stands up when he realizes I’m not going to hit him, and runs at the hood of my car. I scream at him when he lands hard on top of it, then slides back down. I grab my phone to call the police, explaining in detail what has happened, then exit my car on their suggestion to make sure the man is okay. By this time, another car coming the opposite way has pulled up and is watching this guy stand and slam himself into my hood twice again, so I have a witness.)

Me: *yelling* “What are you doing?”

Guy: *moaning and lying on the ground* “Oh, I think you hurt me. I need an ambulance.”

Me: “The police can decide that when they get here. I’ve already called them!”

Guy: “No, call the ambulance. I need medical help. You broke my ribs.”

Me: “No, I didn’t. The police will decide if they should call someone when they get here. I’m not going to do that. I am going to get back in my car now, though.”

(He stood up again and slammed his head as hard as he was able into my hood, splitting his skin open. I screamed and jumped back in my car. At the same time, the other driver got out of his to try and stop the man from doing any more damage to himself or my vehicle. We sat there to wait for the police. When they arrived, the man was transported by ambulance to the hospital and the witness and I gave an explanation of the situation to the officers. I didn’t hear anything else about it until a week later, when some guy claiming to be a lawyer called my place of business to talk to me, saying I owed over $1 million for injury and for leaving the scene of the crime. I told him to get a copy of the police report and hung up. This was three weeks ago, and I still don’t know what happened to that man.)

Drive-Thru Samaritan

, , , , , , | Legal | August 4, 2018

I work at a well-known restaurant famous for its fried chicken sandwiches. For some reason my coworkers and I have yet to discern, our drive-thru is always slammed, from early morning until late at night. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is; if you choose to go through drive-thru, you will probably have a dozen or so cars in front of you, though your wait should never be longer than about five minutes. Evidently that’s just too long for some “special” people, though.

“Guys… did someone just go in the wrong end of drive-thru?”

Upon hearing this, I can feel a few of my brain cells commit suicide. The exit to our drive-thru is clearly marked with a massive STOP sign, and opens right onto the top of a small hill. Getting out is easy, but to somehow enter from this direction unscathed takes no small amount of luck and stubborn determination.

The car passes by the window. It’s a brand new white Chrysler, and looks quite expensive. It’s also moving oh-so-very-quickly in the obviously wrong direction.

The entrance to the drive-thru starts as a bottleneck, but then opens up to allow cars to drive off if they so choose. It is not designed for people to get out of. Until now, we always thought it was physically impossible for a car to squeeze past the curb on one side and the car on the other.

Unnecessary foreshadowing. Forget I said anything.

The car approaches the bottleneck. It can now go no further without getting very physically intimate with a long line of other vehicles. Realizing he’s stuck, the driver begins gunning his engine aggressively, perhaps assuming the cars in front of him will sprout wings? Trying her best to be a good Samaritan, the customer closest to him gets out of her car and tells him he can’t go any farther, and that he’ll just have to go back out in reverse. The man’s response is quoted verbatim, and should be read in monotone:

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am…”

And then he floors it. Somehow he misses the good Samaritan, but her car is not so lucky. The entire right side of her car is scraped and ripped asunder by the left side of his car, but our special friend isn’t stopping just yet. Somehow, and we’re still not exactly certain how, he manages to get his two left wheels up on the curb of the drive-thru, and wall-rides past the other cars! Not before smashing into the sides of two more vehicles, though, one of them being driven by a beautiful young woman, eight months pregnant, with two kids and her elderly mother in the car.

As this scene from heck plays out, I can feel additional brain cells abandoning the ship. I take an hour or so to get eyewitness statements, talk to the victims, and bemoan the stupidity of mankind.

There was much bemoaning.

Some weeks later, we’re happy to learn that the police caught our special friend. He, of course, denied any of it ever happening, but it’s difficult to argue when we have pictures of the damage caused, eyewitness testimonies, and footage of your car causing the accident.

Oh, yes, and your license plate number. Taken by the good Samaritan who tried to help you.

Not-So-Smart TV

, , , , | Legal | August 3, 2018

(I work at a big name shipping and retail store. The store is run by the owner, me, and one other coworker. Today it is just the owner and me. A few days previously someone had broken in after hours and stolen several high-value packages off the shelf in the back. We had filed a police report and reviewed the security footage. We did not know this person but our cameras clearly showed her face. Fast forward to today and she comes back. The owner and I instantly recognize her, and the owner goes to the back to call the police while I stall her. The customer storms in and slams down a large box containing a smart TV on the counter; I can hear glass rattling inside.)

Customer: “I picked this up the other day and it’s broken! You owe me $2,000!”

Me: *stalling for time and playing along* “I’m very sorry to hear that; let’s take a look.”

Customer: “It’s broken! What else matters?”

Me: “Well, depending on the extent of the damage, we may be able to replace it. If the shipper insured it, we will have to file a claim describing the nature of the damage.”

Customer: *sighs loudly, clearly annoyed* “Fine, but I don’t see why you can’t just give me the money.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, false claims are very common. Some people will run scams in order to get free stuff. I know it’s a pain, but before we can pay out we have to make sure the claim is legitimate and that the damage was caused by our drivers.”

Customer: “So, I might not get my money back, then? Thats f****** ridiculous! You broke it, so you should pay for it! What kind of dishonest bulls*** is this?”

(This goes on for a good ten minutes with the store’s owner standing by to diffuse the situation if it gets out of hand while we wait for the police. Finally they pull in to the parking lot. At this point the customer is becoming more irate.)


Owner: *chimes in as two officers enter the store* “He has been, ma’am; he did an excellent job stalling you.” *then to the police* “This is her, officers.”

(All the color drains from her face and her mouth drops open to a perfect comical O shape.)

Customer: “Wha… what’s this about?”

Owner: “It’s about the security footage from last Saturday.” *pointing to the cameras*

Police Officer #1: “Ma’am, I need you to put both hands on the counter, and spread your feet.”

(Her eyes dart around rapidly before she makes a break for the front door. [Officer #2] tackles her and she goes down hard, yelling something about police brutality.)

Me: “Looks like they can add resisting arrest to your charges now.”

Owner: “And next time you steal something, it’s probably best not to try to return it to the same store.”

(The total value of all the packages she stole — coupled with a list of other charges from other retail stores in our area — turned out to be enough to send her to prison. The majority was from the smart TV she was trying to get us to cover.)

Does Not Have A Licence To Kill Licenses

, , , | Legal | August 2, 2018

(I am buying cigarettes and the worker asks for ID. I’m short for my age so I’m used to people having to check.)

Clerk: “Sorry, but your ID is fake.”

Me: “What? What do you mean?”

Clerk: “This is a fake ID. It’s pink.”

(The thing is, not only is it a legitimate ID, but I have just come straight from the courthouse from renewing it. For some reason the new driver’s licenses are now pink with “FL” across them. I try to reason with him.)

Me: “No, that’s brand new. Look, I even have the receipt for it.” *shows paper*

(The clerk looks at it and laughs.)

Clerk: “Nice try, but it’s too shiny. See? No scratches.”

Me: “I just told you it’s brand new. That’s the license now. I don’t write the laws. The new license has a pink banner.”

(Ignoring me, the little s*** cuts my license up! I pay for gas, ignore his asinine smile, and head back to the courthouse. But guess who gets pulled over on the way there?)

Cop: “License and registration?”

Me: “Well, Officer. How about a receipt for a license? And while we’re at it, can you come with me to that gas station?”

(I thought the gas station rep was going to pee his pants when he saw the trooper come with me to the window!)

This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

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