It’s A D’oh!

, , , , | | Legal | June 14, 2018

(I think my mother’s car has some sort of psychic connection with animals, because my mom quite often has run-ins with deer in our area. She’s already had an accident on her way to work once, so sometime later, she is driving to work really early in the morning, when the street is practically deserted, and is going below the speed limit on a 40 mph road. I don’t know how slow she is going, but she is apparently going slow enough to catch the attention of a policeman. The guy asks for her license and says:)

Officer: “Ma’am, are you aware that you are driving under the speed limit?”

Mom: “Yes, officer, because I don’t want to get hit again.”

Officer: “Pardon?”

Mom: “I recently got into an accident with a deer in this street. I really don’t want to get into another one.”

Officer: “Ma’am, I’ve patrolled this street hundreds of times before, and I’ve never seen a single deer. I think you can go the speed limit.”

Mom: “Then, sir, would you be so kind to look ahead of us real quick?”

(My mom points up ahead of the street and, lo and behold, there’s a doe not twenty feet away, just staring at them.)

Officer: *hands Mom her ID back* “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served In Secret

, , | | Legal | June 13, 2018

(We have been called out to a residence who has had the front of their garden driven through by a car. It seems the driver swerved to avoid an oncoming vehicle and lost control. He has already offered to pay for the damages. I am taking a statement from the homeowner.)

Homeowner: “I need to get revenge somehow!”

Me: “For what reason?”

Homeowner: “He destroyed my garden!”

Me: “You believe the damage was intentional?”

Homeowner: “Of course not, but I still need to get revenge.”

(She thinks in silence for a few moments.)

Homeowner: “How about setting fire to his house?”

Me: “…”

Homeowner: “Would that be good?”

Me: “I don’t think you should be discussing this with me.”

Homeowner: “Why not!”

Me: “I’m a police officer!”

(I mentioned it to my superior and we agreed to monitor her in case she tried to act. Thankfully she didn’t, and the damage was fixed at the driver’s expense, without any trouble.)

Nine-One-Dum

, , , , , | | Legal | June 12, 2018

(I work as a dispatcher for a police department in the DFW area, and I also take 911 calls. It is a well-known “rule” in dispatch that the person with the least amount of information is the one who calls 911.)

Me: “[City] 911; what is the address of your emergency?”

Caller: “I’ve just been in a car accident! Please send help immediately!”

Me: “Is anyone injured?”

Caller: “No, but my car won’t start!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to send an officer to assist you. Please tell me where you are.”

Caller: “Um… I don’t know. I’m on a street in [City].”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I know. But which street?”

Caller: “Uh… I think it’s [Street]. Yeah, I’m on [Street].”

Me: “[Street] and what cross street?”

Caller: “Yeah, at the cross street!”

(That street is five miles long and has dozens of intersections!)

Waging War On Wages

, , , , , | | Legal | June 11, 2018

(I work in a fast food company and I recently witnessed some of my managers skipping around the question about their hourly wages. Curious, I asked them why. They told me that it’s illegal to talk about our pay. I was immediately confused because I’d always known it to be legal to talk about. I looked it up on a government website and found that it’s actually illegal to prohibit or punish employees from talking about their wages according to the National Labor Relations act. Finding this out, I proceed to tell one of the managers on duty.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager]! I looked it up on a government website and—” *repeats what it says on the website*

Manager: “It’s still illegal here.”

Me: “But… that’s against the law.”

Coworker: “If people were able to talk about their wages then they could find out they might be getting paid less than someone else and complain.”

Me: “That’s a good thing, though! It keeps companies from screwing over their employees!”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t a good thing!”

Manager: “[My Name], if you keep talking about it then I’ll write you up.”

Me: “…”

(I might complain to HR later on.)

Gotta Give Them Credit For Trying, Part 2

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 10, 2018

(We have a woman spend a lot of money with us on a credit card. A couple of weeks later we get a notice from the bank disputing the charges. I am very panicked as it’s a lot of money and even though I am not the one who served her, I was the manager on duty and did help with the packing of her purchases, so I feel responsible. Amidst the panic, I am formulating how I would pay back the lost money to the company when the manager calls me into the office. She’s been going through camera footage.)

Manager: “I can see that you’re helping wrap. Didn’t you notice anything about the customer? Did the card look fake or anything?”

Me: “No, I was really only wrapping between my own customers”

Manager: “You can see she knows exactly where the cameras are; she keeps her face covered or turned away. Here is the footage where the signature on the card is being checked so I know that was done right. But we have no idea how to get her because she gave a fake name. All I’ve got is a few shots of her on the camera at the counter.”

Me: *finally thinking straight* “Wait a minute. Is the camera outside the door real?”

(We used to have mostly fake cameras but a lot were replaced by real ones.)

Manager: “Yes, I’ve seen where she walks in the store on it.”

Me: “Go to [time] on it.”

Manager: “Okay, done it. What am I looking for?” *right then a car pulls up in full view of the camera*

Me: “That’s her car. I just remembered telling her to bring her car to the front of the store to make it easy.”

(We watched as she got out of the car, her full registration number clearly shown. Last I heard the woman is now doing five years, because she had been caught doing the same thing before. She had also done the same thing at our other branches. The card was actually real. She used a misspelling of her name to apply for it, so it was the bank’s fault because they didn’t check it against her ID properly.)

Related:
Gotta Give Them Credit For Trying

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