Policy Exists For A Reason

, , , , | Legal | April 22, 2020

I am a trainee for a well-known book retailer. It is company policy not to change notes. Three women walk into the store.

Woman #1: “Hi. I like your hair! I work just down the street and was hoping you could change £200 into £10 notes.”

She gets out £200 in fake £20 notes.

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. Besides, we don’t even have £200 in our tills.”

[Woman #1] thumbs through her “money.”

Woman #1: “Okay, what about £100?”

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “I’m afraid we can’t do that at all.”

Woman #1: “Okay.”

The next day, I was informed by my manager that after the women left our store, they drove up to one of our sister stores in the next town and pulled the same trick, but this time they got their money.

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A Nauseating Lack Of Logic

, , , , | Legal | April 20, 2020

I’m a nurse, working with inmates that are detoxing from drugs and/or alcohol. This particular inmate is a pregnant female with very noticeable track marks from intravenous drug use on both her neck and arms. We have deputies that stand next to us at all times when passing out medications.

An inmate shows her identification wristband. I pour the patient’s medications — vitamins and anti-nausea — into her med cup.

Inmate: “What’s this s*** you’re giving me?!  I ain’t taking this crap! I ain’t going to take anything that’s gonna hurt my baby!! Y’all are trying to kill my baby!”

The deputy and I look at each other and then back at the inmate.

Deputy: “You’re in here because you’re shooting yourself up with illegal drugs, while pregnant, and you think this nurse is trying to kill you by giving you prenatal vitamins? Yeah, that makes sense. Your choice on taking the vitamins or not, but stop wasting the nurse’s time and go sit down.”

Me: *To the deputy* “You are my favorite person ever.”

The sad thing is, I get inmates like this at least once or twice a month.

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Adulting Is A Math Problem No One Likes

, , , , , | Legal | April 18, 2020

I am thirty and I just decided to start going to college. For what I want to do, I need so many math classes. In my class, the oldest person is the teacher, who told us she was eighty, and then me. Everyone else is between seventeen and nineteen.

I’m sitting at my table with a few of these teens and they’re talking about how long they spend on a math problem. Then, they ask me:

Kid #1: “Hey, how long do you spend on a math problem?”

Me: “It depends on the problem. Some of them are only a few seconds, and others can be like 45 minutes.”

Kid #2: “Really?! You spend 45 minutes on a problem?! I just skip it!”

Me: “Do you pay rent?”

Kid #1 & #2: “No.”

Me: “Do you pay credit card bills, phone bills, medical bills, or your car insurance?”

Kid #1 & #2: “No.”

Me: “Are you paying for college on your own?”

Kid #1 & #2: “No.”

Me: “I am. I have no choice but to get good grades.”

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50 Shades Of Scammer

, , , | Legal | April 16, 2020

This was related to me by someone I knew back in the 1970s; it took place around 1960. He went to a local new car dealer to look into buying a car. As part of that process, the salesman suggested that they take his car to the service bay so an appraisal could be done for trade-in value purposes. He wound up not liking the final purchase price, so he decided to not buy anything. That’s when things got weird.

They claimed they didn’t have his car. The salesman, who had taken his keys to hand off to the service person who took the car around back for the appraisal, tried claiming that this didn’t happen, and told him that he’d probably need to just buy a car.

He called the police via payphone. When they arrived, he told them what had happened. They addressed the salesman, asking him where the car and the keys were. When the salesman tried to claim he never received any keys, they started to arrest him, at which point the salesman admitted to receiving the keys and handing them off to someone else.

The police informed him that unless he could find the person he had handed the keys off to, he’d be arrested. The rest of the search for the “missing” car took place out of sight of my friend — the police told him to remain where he was while they went looking — but the police just kept doing the same thing until they finally found someone willing to take them to the car rather than be arrested.

Shady car dealers have been with us a long time.

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This Family’s A Whole Package Of Bad Behavior

, , , , , | Legal | April 14, 2020

My neighborhood has been dealing with a rash of thefts of packages and mail from porches and mailboxes. I end up installing a camera to hopefully catch whoever it was in the act, and I end up getting a hit when a jacket I ordered gets stolen from my porch. The perp is a teenage girl who walks up to my porch and shoves the package into her backpack.

I manage to get a still from the camera that shows a fairly clear shot of her face while she is shoving the package into the bag, which I put onto a poster and post on a couple of the lamp posts near my house, asking for information about the “package thief.” I don’t actually expect anything to come from it; I just hope to maybe shame them into stopping or something. 

To my surprise, I get a phone call the very next day.

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name].

Woman: “You need to take down those posters!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You are in big trouble if you don’t take those posters down, now!”

Me: “I’m not taking down anything. I have the right to record my property, and I can use the images how I wish.”

Woman: “My daughter isn’t a thief!”

I look at the phone, taking note of the number in a text document in case I can look up who this is later. I respond in a fakely sweet voice.

Me: “Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea I was accusing such an upstanding young woman. If I could have your name and address, I’ll write a personal apology for the inconvenience.”

Woman: “It’s [Woman], at [Address].”

I stare at my phone again, this time in shock that it actually worked, before I quickly type things down.

Me: “Right, that will be in the mail shortly.”

I hang up before she can say anything else, and then promptly call the police. I explain what happened and what I did. The person on the other end is a little hung up on the poster and tells me that I really shouldn’t have done that but does promise to look into things. 

It is a few days until I hear back, but I end up getting contacted to get the actual video as evidence. Apparently, the police sent an officer by to check things out and the woman spit in their face after opening the door, which was not a smart move. They found the packaging for a bunch of packages in the house, but unfortunately, most of the stuff had already been sold on, so I never got my jacket back or any of the other packages.

However, the story doesn’t end there. About a month or so later, my front door is vandalized with spray paint, including a note about me “running my mouth.” I repaint it, and then a couple of days later, I get another call from the same number.

Me: “Hello?”

Woman: “That’s what you get! You ruined my daughter’s life, and I’m going to make your life a living h***! You b****!”

She tore off, swearing at me and screaming until I hung up. She immediately tried to call back, but I kept ignoring it while I called up the police again. In a massive karmic coincidence, there was a cop car driving through in the area that happened to be passing by my house just in time to see this woman’s daughter, with a spray can, defacing my door again. So, while I was on the phone, I got a knock at the door and found two officers, with the girl, explaining how they’d seen her graffitiing my doorway.

I explained things, they took the daughter to head over to her mother’s house, and I haven’t heard a thing about it since then. So far, no more graffiti or stolen packages. We’ll see if whatever happened actually sticks.

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