Beginning To Think That Wasn’t The Canadian Government: They Weren’t Polite

, , | Legal | October 14, 2019

(I get a phone call and answer it. I’m met with the most awkward robotic voice I’ve heard, randomly pausing and emphasizing every third syllable.)

Robot: “Hello, this is the Canadian justice department. You are being called because your social security number has been flagged for criminal charges.” 

(It then goes on to impart how serious ignoring the phone call is and how ignoring this call is also a crime and this is my best shot to not be put in federal court in front of the magistrate. It then says, “Press one to talk to a representative.” I know this is a scam, so I take a moment to figure out how I want to do this before I press one. The woman it connects me to has a moderate Indian accent. I try to do an English accent, and end up speaking in the worst accent I’ve ever heard.)

Scammer: “Hello, this is the justice department. Can I please have your first and last name so I can look up why we called you?”

Me: “Wait, why don’t you have that already? The bot said that you got my phone number from my social security.”

Scammer: “Well, I still need your f****** name to look you up!” *click*

(It was a shame; I was about to let her know what I thought of our government that can’t even tell its workers why they called me.)

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That Plan Croaked

, , , , , | Legal | October 11, 2019

We live in a somewhat big plot of land inside a village. It’s not big enough to be a farm, but big enough to allow us to have our small vegetable garden and chicken coop, while still being surrounded by neighbours with smaller plots. 

Our back neighbor would only be there for vacations and the occasional weekend, and would blast bad music on his speakers while the sun was up. 

One day, my father decided to make a pond in the back of our plot. Being so close to nature, it almost immediately filled with frogs that would croak almost non stop. 

A week after excavating the pond, my neighbor demanded that my father dredge it, because the frogs were making too much noise and his family could not sleep. My father refused, and the neighbor said he would contact the police. 

A month or so after, we received a visit from an environmental protection agency about “burning used car oils.” After we showed that there was no oil burning in our home, the agents went away. Next month, another agency visited us, this time about “steel scraps lying around,” and again, nothing came out of it. This went on for nearly a year, involving every single environmental protection agency and committee that exists, and a bunch of different reasons, none of which were enough to give a fine. They were, however, annoying, because every agent could find something that needed to be done, or there could have been a fine. 

The final visit was because of a complaint that my father was dumping detergents into the pond. The policeman explained the complaint, and apologized saying, “I am sorry, but we have to follow up on every complaint, even if they are ridiculous.” He went into the back, took a couple of pictures, and came up front beaming, but did not tell my father why. 

The next week, my father heard our neighbour screaming at his lawyer, stating, “I was the one making the complaint; why am I the one getting a fine?”

The lawyer simply said, “Next time you are complaining that someone is dumping detergents into a pond, it’s a good idea not to wash your car right next to it!”

The lawyer then advised my neighbor to stop the complaints, because we had enough false complaints against us that we could sue for libel and harassment and easily win. My father never did sue, but it still warms my heart to know how karma was so promptly served.

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I Say Tomato, You Say Marijuana

, , , , | Legal | October 9, 2019

When I was growing up in the 80s, my parents were basically hippies. We lived in a rural area. We raised chickens, ducks, and goats and grew our own vegetables, some of them in a greenhouse, along with other kinds of plants.

One night around midnight, we heard a crash and a revving car engine. We ran outside and saw that someone had broken into our greenhouse and stolen some of our plants.

We moved some things around and went back to bed. Then, around two in the morning, there was a knock at the door. It was the cops. They said some kids had been pulled over for reckless driving and had confessed to breaking into our greenhouse and stealing our plants. They wanted to investigate the damage.

My parents took them to the greenhouse, and the cops asked them to estimate the value of the stolen plants and the damage to our property. My mother made up a ridiculously high number, which they put into their report.

The plants that were stolen were tomato plants, some of them with unripe tomatoes on them. Furthermore, in order to get to the tomato plants, the kids had to pass by our actual — immature — potted marijuana plants, which by this time were safely hidden in our bathroom. The cops gave us a funny knowing look, but they had no probable cause to search our house, after all.

And my parents ended up making a tidy profit on the busted screen door of our greenhouse.

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The Stop Sign Should Be For Her Mouth

, , , , | Legal | October 7, 2019

This story was related to me by one of my friends who is a bit “special.”

My friend was driving on a two-lane highway late at night and came to a stop sign. As she drove up to the stop sign, she looked in her mirror and saw there was a car behind her. She immediately panicked and thought the car behind her wasn’t going to stop, so she went through the stop sign without even slowing down.

That’s when the car behind her put on its lights and sirens.

After the cop pulled her over she tried to explain to him that she had thought that he wasn’t going to stop and was going to crash into her. The officer asked her if she thought that he was driving unsafely. She said yes.

She got a ticket for running the stop sign, but to this day she can’t understand why the police officer wouldn’t accept her excuse.

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The Scam Of Persistence

, , | Legal | October 5, 2019

(I am sitting at home when I get a call from an unknown number. I’ve been waiting on an important call so I answer it.)

Robot: “Hello. This is Officer [unintelligible] with the Social Security Administration. I am calling to tell you that there has been suspicious activity on your social security number in southern Texas. Please press one to speak to an officer. I repeat, press one.”

(The voice is monotonous and quite obviously a robot, but I’m bored and have a little time, so I decide to play along. I press one and after a few seconds, a man with a thick accent answers.)

Scammer: “Hello, may I have your social security number?”

Me: “Hi. No, you may not. Please take my number off your call list.”

Scammer: “No.”

Me: “What?”

Scammer: “No. I will keep calling and calling you.”

Me: “Why?”

Scammer: “I will not remove your number.”

Me: “Okay, but why? I get you probably have a job to do, but I’m not going to fall for it, so you may as well just remove my number from your list.”

Scammer: “May I have your full name?”

Me: “No, you may not.”

Scammer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I know this is a scam and I’m not giving you my information.”

Scammer: “I will not remove your number.”

(Rinse and repeat until I got bored and hung up. I admire his dedication, at least.)

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