Ahh, Bonding

, , , , , | Legal | August 13, 2020

I was involved in… erm… liberating a family of abused dogs from a backyard breeder. This is the only time I’ve ever done something in my life that would be considered wrong in the eyes of authority; I’ve always been very straight-laced. However, my brother has fallen on the wrong side of the law quite a few times.

I call my mum to give her an update on the situation and let her know I’m safe, which she’s glad to hear, but she’s also annoyed that I’m doing something she considers to be wrong. 

Unfortunately, I decided to cheer her up by saying, “Well, I guess my brother and I do finally have one thing in common; we’re both criminals!”

I’m going to hear about this for the rest of my life.

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Smile! You’re On Quick-Change Camera!

, , , | Legal | August 11, 2020

We have just installed new security in our store thanks to years of people trying to pull money change scams on us. This is, literally, the first customer I get the day after installation.

Customer: “I gave you a twenty. You owe me more change.”

Me: “No, you gave me a ten.”

Customer: “No, I gave you a d*** twenty! Check your register.”

Me: “Well, good news! We just installed cameras that can see what bills have been put in or taken out. I can go check that right now to see if you’re right, but I should warn you that it is company policy to call the police if you are found to be trying to scam us. Want me to go check the tapes?”

Customer: “You know what? Forget it. I’m never shopping here again!”

And he left! I love these new cameras.


This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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One Small Hitch

, , , , | Legal | August 9, 2020

Car insurance is compulsory in Italy. At the time of this story, upon payment — yearly or twice a year — you are given a piece of paper with your license plate number and insurance expiry date to display on the windscreen. The paper has a filigree and the data are impressed to prevent fraud, but this does not deter the smart alecs.

Coworker #1: “Say, mate, how come your insurance expires in two years’ time?”

Coworker #2: *Facepalms dramatically* “Oh, d’oh! I made a mistake!”

Coworker #1: “I am never again hitching a ride from you.”

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It’s Criminal How Dumb They Think You Are

, , , , , | Legal | August 7, 2020

I’m a till supervisor in a large store of a major UK supermarket chain. It’s around closing time on a Sunday and my colleague calls me over to his till where a couple is having trouble paying.

Colleague: “Their card is not working; is there anything we can do?”

Customer: “It’s probably because the card is bent and the white line is damaged.”

Me: “No, the chip isn’t working; we’re not allowed to swipe your card and I don’t think it would work anyway since your card is damaged. Sorry.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, we’ll leave it, then.”

The customers start to walk off, leaving their shopping trolley behind.

Colleague: *To me* “Hey, that bag they’ve got; they haven’t paid for anything that’s inside it!”

Me: “You’re sure?”

It’s a large store so the exit is kind of far. I start following and I call the security guard on one of the store mobile phones I carry. I can see him.

Me: “Yeah, the couple coming down now with the [Other Supermarkets] bag haven’t paid for whatever is in that bag.”

Two guards stop them as I get closer and grab the bag. The customers — who I should probably call shoplifters at this point — start to struggle.

Customer #2: “We’ve paid for that!”

Customer #1: “This is a violation of our rights!”

The security guard started pulling meat out of the bag under a coat. Once they saw me, they gave up saying they paid and just took their coat out of the bag and quickly left. It’s likely that they knew the card wouldn’t work and had zero intention of paying. The guard told them not to come back.

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Was Your Brain Confiscated, Too?

, , , | Legal | August 5, 2020

I answer the phone at the investigation department at the police station.

Caller: “Hi. I’m with [Law Firm], and the son of one of our clients had his car confiscated.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me the vehicle’s plate number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “What is the son’s ID number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that, either.”

Me: “What’s his name?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you have your client’s ID number?”

Caller: *Pause* “Let me call you back.”

He never did.

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