I had a couple that came into my Walmart once every few weeks during the waning days of COVID. They always came through the least checked exits, such as Lawn and Garden or Automotive. They moved fast, never interacted with employees, and would carry plastic store bags on their way out, so no one would check their receipts. They both wore COVID masks, but the man drove a distinctive red sedan with a piece of cardboard taped into one window.

I got a weird feeling about them after they followed this pattern for a few weeks and reported to our Asset Protection manager. The Asset Protection manager was very happy that I’d tagged them, as they seemed to have a sense of where the camera blind spots were.

What they were doing was grabbing handfuls of Magic: The Gathering and Pokémon cards, stripping the packs open out of sight of the cameras, and stuffing the cards into plastic bags they brought with them. Then, they’d make their getaway.

As I mentioned above, no one would check their receipts, as we were forbidden to check bagged merchandise.

Now that we had them tagged, it was only a matter of time before they showed up again. This time, I saw them from the Lawn and Garden entrance, pull around the building and enter through Automotive. I made a quick call on the radio, alerting the Asset Protection manager, who immediately called the police.

Soon, our parking lot had some police cruisers stationed strategically. However, this is where things go completely off the rails. The pair got into their red sedan, slowly pulled out onto the main street with the cop cars following, and hit the gas. I later read that the couple had led the police on a high-speed chase, going over a hundred miles an hour in a few places, before finally shaking the cops in a small town about thirty miles away.

The Asset Protection manager and police figured out who the couple was, even with their masks, and put out an arrest warrant. They had been hitting three other Walmarts within a thirty-mile radius, just on different days, and had stolen multiple thousands of dollars’ worth of cards.

Turns out that the red sedan wasn’t even the man’s, it was his Mom’s, and when contacted, she reported it stolen to avoid having an abetting charge. The man and woman also had reported a false address, so they were in the wind. But it was just a matter of time before they were caught.

Apparently, the wife in the situation sat down and had a long, hard look at her future with her husband and decided to turn him in. He’s facing about fifteen years in all charges, and she’s working a gas station and making restitution.

As a friend said about this, “D***, Team Rocket took OFF!”

When I was in college, I initially had a job at a fast-food restaurant. I usually worked close, so I drove home after midnight. Being a little zoned, I edged over the speed limit a bit. I got pulled over twice, only going twelve and thirteen miles per hour over. But at eighteen years old with a provisional license, this was enough to lose all my points and get suspended.

By the time my suspension hearing came up, I had a new office job at the college, and a new quarter had started. We needed four PE classes to graduate, and my college offered Skiing, so I’d taken that. I’d gone to one class (held at a local ski area about an hour out of town). But at my hearing the next day, the hearing officer had no mercy and gave me a three-month suspension.

I initially thought that I’d just keep driving, making sure not to get any unwanted attention. But my brother cautioned me that getting caught driving on a suspended license would be expensive. I then had a thought about appealing to the hearing officer. 

I went back to his office and asked to speak to him. I told him I had a class off-campus and really needed to be able to drive to it. He then asked the fateful question:

Hearing Officer: “What class do you have off-campus?”

Me: “Um… skiing.”

Hearing Officer: *Laughing.* “You’re kidding!? I’d be laughed out of a job if I let you have a license to go skiing!”

I slunk out of his office. So, I couldn’t continue to drive to class, and I didn’t have any friends who were in the class. So, I dropped the skiing class.

My brother happened to be friends with the instructor of the skiing class. He asked me months later if I didn’t like my instructor. I reminded him that my license had been suspended and I couldn’t drive to class. He then said I should’ve hitchhiked. I told him I’d rather miss skiing instead of being murdered by someone who picks up hitchhikers.

I’m a policeman on patrol. A young boy sees me and immediately drops and starts tying up his shoelaces in a blind panic. As I get closer, he starts crying.

Me: “Is the little fella alright?”

Mum: “I… um… might have told him it’s illegal to go outside with your laces untied.”

Me: *Trying to suppress a smile.* “I see.” *Leaning down to the little boy.* “Wow, those are some tight shoelaces! Well done! It’s always safer to have shoelaces done up when outside.”

I stand up and wink at the mum.

Mum: “Do you think you could tell him it’s illegal to wear Crocs?”

Me: “You mean it isn’t?”

I’m in the third lane of a three-lane highway in heavy traffic when I see that I am about to pass a police car in the middle lane. I have no idea what the speed limit is, so I slow down and start to pass the officer VERY slowly. Meanwhile, I have this guy in a sports car who is now riding my bumper aggressively and swinging his car left and right behind me.

Just as I get even with the police car, the officer flicks on his lights and siren for a second, which I take as a signal that we are already over the speed limit, and if I pass him, I’m getting a ticket. So, I slow down and put my blinker on to pull in behind him, and the guy behind the police car slows down to make room for me. The guy behind me is going nuts.

As soon as I was halfway into the second lane, the car behind me used the breakdown space next to the speed lane to pull around me and shot past the cop like a bullet. The cop pulled out immediately with his lights and siren on in pursuit.

I have no idea how that person could have missed the police car, especially after the officer was nice enough to give me a warning blast. Sure enough, five minutes later, I pass them on the side of the road, the other driver getting at LEAST a speeding ticket.

I’m a 911 dispatcher. I was on a call with my trainee around 11 PM:

Caller: “I’ve got a bat in my bedroom!”

Trainee: “A bat or a bird?”

Our response after 9 PM is different, which is why we’re trained to ask. If it’s a bird, the caller will be told to open her window. If it’s a bat, we’ll send out animal services because they’re a rabies vector.

Caller: “A bat!”

My trainee sets up the call and checks once more before sending:

Trainee: “And you can’t tell if it’s a bat or a bird?”

Caller: “It must be a bat because birds don’t fly at night!”

My trainee and I just stared at each other. It’s been years, and I feel like we’re still staring at each other.