This Family’s A Whole Package Of Bad Behavior

, , , , , | Legal | April 14, 2020

My neighborhood has been dealing with a rash of thefts of packages and mail from porches and mailboxes. I end up installing a camera to hopefully catch whoever it was in the act, and I end up getting a hit when a jacket I ordered gets stolen from my porch. The perp is a teenage girl who walks up to my porch and shoves the package into her backpack.

I manage to get a still from the camera that shows a fairly clear shot of her face while she is shoving the package into the bag, which I put onto a poster and post on a couple of the lamp posts near my house, asking for information about the “package thief.” I don’t actually expect anything to come from it; I just hope to maybe shame them into stopping or something. 

To my surprise, I get a phone call the very next day.

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name].

Woman: “You need to take down those posters!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You are in big trouble if you don’t take those posters down, now!”

Me: “I’m not taking down anything. I have the right to record my property, and I can use the images how I wish.”

Woman: “My daughter isn’t a thief!”

I look at the phone, taking note of the number in a text document in case I can look up who this is later. I respond in a fakely sweet voice.

Me: “Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea I was accusing such an upstanding young woman. If I could have your name and address, I’ll write a personal apology for the inconvenience.”

Woman: “It’s [Woman], at [Address].”

I stare at my phone again, this time in shock that it actually worked, before I quickly type things down.

Me: “Right, that will be in the mail shortly.”

I hang up before she can say anything else, and then promptly call the police. I explain what happened and what I did. The person on the other end is a little hung up on the poster and tells me that I really shouldn’t have done that but does promise to look into things. 

It is a few days until I hear back, but I end up getting contacted to get the actual video as evidence. Apparently, the police sent an officer by to check things out and the woman spit in their face after opening the door, which was not a smart move. They found the packaging for a bunch of packages in the house, but unfortunately, most of the stuff had already been sold on, so I never got my jacket back or any of the other packages.

However, the story doesn’t end there. About a month or so later, my front door is vandalized with spray paint, including a note about me “running my mouth.” I repaint it, and then a couple of days later, I get another call from the same number.

Me: “Hello?”

Woman: “That’s what you get! You ruined my daughter’s life, and I’m going to make your life a living h***! You b****!”

She tore off, swearing at me and screaming until I hung up. She immediately tried to call back, but I kept ignoring it while I called up the police again. In a massive karmic coincidence, there was a cop car driving through in the area that happened to be passing by my house just in time to see this woman’s daughter, with a spray can, defacing my door again. So, while I was on the phone, I got a knock at the door and found two officers, with the girl, explaining how they’d seen her graffitiing my doorway.

I explained things, they took the daughter to head over to her mother’s house, and I haven’t heard a thing about it since then. So far, no more graffiti or stolen packages. We’ll see if whatever happened actually sticks.

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Proof That Cigarettes Are Bad For Your Brain

, , , | Legal | April 12, 2020

At the time of this story, you have to be 18 to buy cigarettes. I’m with two sisters; one is 20 and the other is 17. We get to the gas station and the older one needs cigarettes but she has a headache and doesn’t want to go in. They decide to send the younger one in with the older one’s ID. The younger sister goes in and comes out empty-handed.

Younger Sister: “Sis, they don’t have [Brand #1]; what else do you want?”

Older Sister: “See if they have [Brand #2].” 

The younger one goes in and again comes out empty-handed.

Younger Sister: “They’re out of [Brand #2]; what else did you want?”

Older Sister: “Try [Brand #3].”

[Younger Sister] goes back in and comes back out empty-handed again.

Younger Sister: “She said she won’t sell them as they’re obviously for you and not me.”

[Older Sister] went in with the younger and both showed their IDs, explaining that the cigarettes were for the older but that she didn’t want to go in. The older sister threw a fit when the cashier still refused the sale. I don’t know what they were expecting, and they were probably really lucky the cashier didn’t call the cops on them.

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Searching For Ways To Put Off The Scammers

, , , , , , , | Legal | April 10, 2020

My friend is moving to a new state, and since my house is midway between his new and old house, I offer to let him stay the night while driving through with the stuff he is moving. My friend is on his laptop in my living room when a call comes in, but I happen to overhear part of it while he walks past me heading to my guest room.

Friend: “Oh, okay, sure. I must have it out in my car somewhere. But my car is full of stuff for the move so it would take me a long time to find it…”

My friend trails off as he enters the guest room. He shows back up a few seconds later, sans phone, and goes back to his laptop in the living room

Me: “What happened to your phone?”

Friend: “Plugged it in to charge; it turns out it was almost dead.”

Me: “Your call ended that fast?”

Friend: “I sure hope not.”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend: “It can take an awfully long time to hunt down a tiny card in such a full car, you know.”

Me: “So, are you going to your car to look for something?”

Friend: “Definitely not. It’s not like I need to find the card, anyway; I memorized my social security number back in high school.”

He is clearly enjoying my confusion, but finally, he apparently decides to let me in on the joke.

Friend: “That call was obviously a scammer. Once I figured that out, I promised him I’d dig up my social security card in my car to give to him.”

Me: “Why would you do that?”

Friend: “Because I stressed that it would take a long time to find due to the move. I’m curious how long I can get him to wait for me to ‘search my car’ before he gives up.”

Me: “You put your scammer on hold?”

Friend: “Pretty much. I figure every second he wastes waiting for me is time he isn’t scamming someone else out of their money.”

In the end, my friend went back twice with “wrong” identification, acting confused and promising to go back out to his car to find the right card each time the scammer told him it wasn’t his social. After the second time, he ran out of believable ways to screw up finding the card, so he just left the scammer on hold indefinitely after the second time. He never bothered to check how long the scammer waited after the second visit, but I imagine my friend wasted at least twenty minutes of the guy’s time with the ruse.

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Driving Right Into Instant Karma

, , , , , , | Legal | April 8, 2020

I’m working at a large cycling event with over 15,000 cyclists on the roads. I’m at a road closure on a major road, making sure nobody drives onto the route. We have no jurisdiction to physically stop people, just to advise them of the consequences if they cross the block. I’ve just received a message from my boss telling me to be on the lookout for a police van coming to arrest some protesters inside the route.

Angry Driver: “What right do you have to close these roads? Why can you tell me where I can and can’t drive?”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am, but this area is shut under the Road Traffic Regulation Act.”

Angry Driver: “Don’t try and hide behind the law. You don’t have permission to do this; my friend is a police sergeant and she knows nothing about the event. If you don’t let me through, I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “The police definitely know about this event; if you go past this point you’ll be liable for a £1000 fine. And if you want to report me to the police, just let me know; I can contact them on this radio and save you some time.”

Angry Driver: “Stop lying to me! You can’t infringe my rights like this. I’m going inside and I’ll prove you’re lying.”

The customer gets out of her car and starts moving the road cones out of the way. While she’s doing this, the aforementioned police van turns up with five or six policemen inside. They’re stuck behind the angry driver so one of the officers steps out to see what the problem is. He looks at me, and after seeing that she’s ignoring what I’m saying, he speaks up.

Police Officer: “Excuse me, is this the woman you just called in about? Is it just the fine or is she also being a public disturbance?”

The angry driver heard this, dropped the cones, ran back to her car, and sped off in the other direction.

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A Pain In The Head And An Itch In The You-Know-What

, , , , | Legal | April 6, 2020

The particular client has been a headache for her entire case, which is unfortunate, seeing as her auto accident settled before her worker’s comp case.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]! This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Client: “I want to speak to my g**d*** attorney, right f****** now!”

Me: “I do apologize, but first, I will not permit you to verbally abuse me. Secondly, [Boss’s Partner] is out of the office today due to the recent outbreak and his wife being severely immunocompromised. I can schedule you for April 1st.”

Yes, the importance of that date escapes me.

Client: “I won’t accept that. I have two flat tires, my daughter has lice, schools are out, and I have an itchy f****** vagina! You a**holes are sitting on ten grand of my money and I want to drive down and get it now!

I’m stunned, and I automatically speak in a customer service voice.

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Client: “I said, I have an itchy f****** vagina!

Me: “Right, so I can schedule that call to speak with [Boss’s Partner] on April 1st. Will 11:00 am work for you?”

Fortunately, after three days of her calling and being verbally abusive and inappropriate, my boss called her and got her some of her money!

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