His “Super Bowl Special” Didn’t Taste As Good When It Arrived

, , , , , , | Legal | December 16, 2019

I used to manage a pizza place. A guy called in the middle of the Super Bowl and ordered 15 pizzas; all of them were half this and half that.

I explained to him that due to the increased volume of business due to the Super Bowl, the added complexity of his order, and the added fact that he was ordering a large number of pizzas, it would probably be at least 45 minutes to an hour before his pizzas were delivered.

He immediately became extremely irate and said he expected them to be there in 30 minutes or less or they would have to be free.

I explained that the 30-minute-or-free guarantee was a promotion that [Entirely Different Chain] ran in the ‘70s and early ‘80s, that we had never honored that promo, and that even if we had, we would not be doing so that night due to the Super Bowl.

He complained that he had a whole Super Bowl party and was depending on our food. When I explained to him that so did many other people, all of whom had ordered before him, he decided this was a good time to start threatening me.

He threatened to come up to the store, shoot me, and then go to my house and do horrible things to my girlfriend.

His mistake, other than making threats, was saying this on our phone line. Due to problems we had had in the past, our calls in this particular store were recorded. Our state was single-party consent.

Since I already had his name, address, and phone number from his order, it was very simple to arrange a “delivery” for him.

His delivery was a couple of sheriff’s deputies to arrest him in front of all of his friends. We never got a call from him again.

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Dampening His Scheme

, , , , | Legal | December 14, 2019

(One evening in the bookstore, I turn a corner amidst the shelves and see a man drop a paperback book down his shirt. I watch him pick up another book and do the same. When he picks up a third book, I speak up.)

Me: “Sir!”

Book Thief: *jumps*

Me: “Sir, I am going to need you to take that book out of your shirt and hand it to me.”

Book Thief: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Me: “Sir, I watched you put a book down your shirt. Take it out and give it to me.”

(The man sheepishly does so.)

Me: “And the second book, please.”

Book Thief: “The second book?”

(The books he is attempting to steal are upwards of 400 pages each. There is a visible square outline right over his stomach. I stare pointedly at it until he looks down, as well, and then I meet his eyes and repeat myself.)

Me: “The second book, please.”

(He hands it to me, even more sheepishly. Both books are slightly… damp.)

Me: “Thank you. And now I have to ask you to leave.”

Book Thief: “But I was going to buy–”

Me: “I can also call my manager, explain the situation, and have him ask you to leave.”

(The man literally ran to the exit. I had to damage out the two books that were down his shirt. My manager put “deputy” by my name on the schedule for the next week.)

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About To Get Into Some Bahama-Drama

, , , , | Legal | December 12, 2019

(When my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, we attend a wedding show at the local convention centre. Pretty much every kiosk has a contest, and we enter every single one, hoping to win something cool. A few weeks later, we get a call from an unknown number. We’ve won a trip to the Bahamas! And all we have to do is give them our credit card number for “processing fees” and attend a “brief” two-hour presentation on timeshares. How lucky can you get? Alarm bells instantly start ringing in my head, but my fiancé — who’s extremely intelligent but can be a little naïve at times — has already gotten his card out and is preparing to read off the numbers. I wave at him frantically and he stop.)

Caller: “Yes? Sir? I need the rest of your card’s numbers.”

Me: “It’s a scam. Don’t do it.”

Fiancé: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Remember that [Broadcast] exposé on scammers? If you have to pay any money for a prize, it’s not a legitimate contest.”

Fiancé: “Crap, you’re right.”

Caller: Sir?

Fiancé: “Never mind. We don’t want the trip.”

Caller: *incredulously* “What?! You don’t want a free trip to the Bahamas? You’re joking.”

Fiancé: “We’re not joking, and I’m hanging up now.”

Caller:Wait! My supervisor would like to talk to you.”

Fiancé: “What for?”

Caller: “One moment, please, sir.”

Supervisor: “Hello? My employee tells me that you’re turning down a free trip to the Bahamas, but that can’t be right.”

Fiancé: “We’re definitely turning it down, because this is a scam.”

Supervisor: *offended tone* “I beg your pardon? This is no scam, sir.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, well, my fiancée is sure that it is, and I trust her.”

Supervisor: “Sir, ask yourself this question. Who wears the pants in your household?”

Fiance: “What did you just say?”

Supervisor: *oblivious* “I mean, you’re not even married yet. Is this the way you want your married life to go? Your wife telling you what to do?”

Fiancé: *starts laughing*

Supervisor: “What’s so funny?”

Fiancé: “Oh, man. If you ever had a chance of getting my credit card info from me, you just blew it. Bye.” *hangs up*

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This Is The Direct Bus To Justice

, , , | Legal | December 10, 2019

My wife and I are on a bus. Some women get on the bus talking in Papiamento. My wife has lived for some time in Aruba and understands every word they are saying. She tells me, “They are planning on robbing the bus driver.”

I head to the bus driver and warn him what’s about to happen. He immediately calls his control center and tells them what’s about to happen. He gets orders to keep driving and don’t stop. 

The women get anxious because they obviously planned to rob the driver at the next bus stop. The driver gets a signal that it is okay to stop at the next bus stop. 

As soon as he pulls over, the women get up and start threatening the bus driver. He hands them the money and opens the doors. The women get out with their loot only to be greeted by some policemen. Of course, they all get arrested.

We leave the bus during the consternation and have a great day. No one ever found out who “the snitch” was that helped to catch some robbers, and that’s just fine with us.

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Checking On Checked Checks

, , , , , | Legal | December 8, 2019

One afternoon, my wife and I were puttering around our tiny apartment in a poorer section near the university when the phone rang. It was a pizza place that we could see from a window, calling because a somewhat inebriated, probably homeless man was trying to buy a pizza with a check that had my wife’s name, address, and our phone number — this is back before cell phones were around. The clerk had clearly had suspicions of fraud and called to see if the check use was authorized. We told him it was not and walked over to the store immediately. Surprisingly, the man didn’t run away, and he had an entire box of my wife’s checks that he had presumably stolen from our broken mailbox.  

The clerk said, “Do you want us to call the police? This guy keeps trying to use stolen checks and we’d like to stop it.”

My wife said, “Sure.” She was young. Now, she would have reamed the guy up and down the street.

The police came, arrested him, and kept the box of checks as evidence. We went down and pressed charges. When we checked with the store a few weeks later, the clerk mournfully told us that because there was no evidence that the man had signed the check, the prosecutor wouldn’t pursue the case.  

So, a bum passed a check, the pizza clerk checked up on him, we picked up the check, and the prosecutor took a rain check on earning his paycheck.

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