They’ll Be Having A Ball In Prison

, , , , , | | Legal | June 8, 2019

There are two small prisons on the outskirts of our little town; one sits right beside the road, and the other you have to drive a half-mile down a dead-end road to get to in the dense woods. Despite this, people will “accidentally” stumble upon the second prison and “lose” their drugs, phones, etc.

But these two guys take the cake.

In the middle of broad daylight, these two guys decide to play football in the woods and then “accidentally” throw their ball over the fence. Once the ball flies over the barbed wire, they take off running back into the woods while the guards call deputies to the scene.

The ball is intercepted by the guards who realize the ball is actually being held together by duct tape. When they open it up, it’s full to the brim with drugs, pills, and cellphones.

The guys are arrested, and to this day have been the most creative in doing a drop-off.

Working In A Toxic Environment

, , , , , | | Legal | June 7, 2019

(I work in a very rural county where there are only one high school and two stop lights, and the main highway that leads to a city across the Virginia state line runs through the middle of town and past the sheriff department. It’s one of those ‘everyone knows everyone’ kind of Southern towns. It is an early Sunday morning; a state trooper is finishing up a report at our desk from an earlier accident while I am processing a public intox just brought in by a deputy.)

Dispatch: “Communications to any unit in [Town]?”

Deputy: “Go ahead, Communications.”

Dispatch: “[Deputy], EMS [Truck #2] advises they are behind a wrong-way driver heading into town.”

(The driver is all over the roadway and has nearly run off the road multiple times. It’s a possible DWI. The deputy and trooper practically run towards the door. While our county may be rural, the highway is frequented by big rigs and the occasional wayward livestock this late at night.)

Deputy: “Communications, I’ll be in route with [Trooper].”

Dispatch: “10-4, EMS has lights and sirens on, but the driver is not slowing down.”

(The two run out the door just as my coworker comes into the office.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy, DWI?”

Me: “Yup, going the wrong way down the highway.”

(Not even a half-hour later the two return, along with the patrol sergeant, and in between them they are escorting an intoxicated woman.)

Woman: “I swear I’m not drunk!”

Patrol Sergeant: “Ma’am, you just drove nearly five miles the wrong way, flew through a red light, and almost ran over one of my deputies!”

Woman: “Oh, he’s okay. Besides, I only had one shot.”

Trooper: “Ma’am, you blew twice the legal limit.”

Woman: “Okay, so it was more than one shot of gin.”

Coworker: “Oooh, she’s in so much trouble!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “Her mama is a minister at the church down the street. She’s gonna get it.”

Gosh Darn Lefties!

, , , | | Legal | June 6, 2019

(I was driving to work over a holiday weekend when I passed a state trooper sitting between the north and south lanes of the interstate. He pulled out after me and came up so fast and so close that I couldn’t see his the front of his car in my rearview mirror. Out of paranoia, I checked my speed and saw that I was going less than five miles an hour over the speed limit. After about a mile, he turned on his siren. I was in the left lane with no chance of getting to the right lane because of all the traffic, so I pulled over to the left when we reached a place where I could do so without impeding traffic. He followed me over and stopped behind me, his car halfway in the lane. The traffic behind him had to quickly switch to the right lane to avoid rear-ending his vehicle. After a few minutes he came to my door.)

Trooper: “What in the h*** do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “I… I don’t understand.”

Trooper: “License, registration, and insurance. And just so you know, I have a body cam and microphone on me.”

Me: “Okay.” *hands over my information* “Um, why was I—“

Trooper: “I’ll be back.”

(The state trooper takes my information and goes back to his vehicle for another ten minutes before returning.)

Trooper: “Read over the instructions on your ticket and make sure you pay the fine.”

Me: “What did I do?”

Trooper: “You pulled over on the left side!”

Me: “I mean, why did you pull me over?”

Trooper: “You went to the left! You should pull over on the right.”

Me: “There was bumper to bumper traffic in the right lane. Should I have cut across traffic?”

Trooper: “You need to obey the law in a manner that is safe for you and the other drivers.”

Me: “Okay…”

Trooper: “You can’t just pull over where you feel like.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I still don’t understand. You pulled me over because…?”

Trooper: “You pulled over on the wrong side! Why is this so difficult for you?”

Me: “You’re saying you pulled me over because I pulled over?”

Trooper: “Don’t get smart.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand what the original reason was. You turned on your siren, I pulled over. Now I’ve got a ticket because I pulled over?”

Trooper: “It’s not that hard to understand.”

(And with that, he walked back to his vehicle and left. I fought the ticket in court, stating that the officer gave me a ticket for pulling over on the left, but wouldn’t tell me what I did to merit being pulled over at all. We watched the video of the event, complete with the trooper pulling out right on my bumper and how he refused to answer why I was being pulled over in the first place. When asked, the trooper still kept repeating that he was ticketing me for pulling over on the left instead of the right. The ticket was dropped, much to his frustration. I still don’t know what was going on in his head.)

Sweet Seventeen

, , , , | | Legal | June 5, 2019

(We receive a call at the weekend from a man who says he is from BT, the phone company, and is calling about our Internet connection. I know immediately it is a scam as we use a different provider, but I decide I’ll see how the conversation goes.)

Scammer: “Is your Wi-Fi router currently on?”

Me: “Yep.”

Scammer: “Can you tell me how many lights are flashing on it?”

Me: *picking a number at random* “Um… seventeen.”

Scammer: “Seventeen?”

Me: “Yep.”

Scammer: “Are you crazy? You f****** crazy! Motherf***** woman!”

The Sum Of Their Scam Is Zero

, , , | | Legal | June 4, 2019

(I get an instant message from someone posing as one of my friends on social media. I know it’s not her because I haven’t spoken to her in five years, because her style of talking isn’t anything like her, and because of common sense. Even though I know it’s a scam, I decide to play along.)

Scammer: “How are you doing over there? Have you heard the good news about what is happening?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Scammer: “A friend of mine told me about a program called FPWA, so I applied for it, but fortunately, I got the sum of $90,000 from them.”

Me: “Really?! Seems kind of hard to believe.”

Scammer: “Yes, it is, but I was so surprised when they brought my winnings to me at my doorstep.”

Me: “So, what do I have to do?”

Scammer: “I think you should contact the agent in charge of the grant to see if you are eligible to qualify. I have the agent’s text number with me. Mind if I give you his number for you to contact him?”

Me: “You know, I don’t think so.”

Scammer: “Oh, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What do you say?”

Me: “I’m just a little skeptical.”

Scammer: “Trust me; this is real and legit.”

(The scammer then sends me a picture of cash sitting on someone’s bed. There are a couple of 20’s, but mostly ones. At most, it’s a couple of hundred dollars.)

Scammer: “That’s the picture of when I got my winnings.”

Me: “Oh, wow, you sent me a picture of cash. I’m convinced.”

(I then search the web for a picture of cash. I find a picture of all hundreds sitting on a table. It’s a few thousand at least.)

Me: “See, I can do that, too.”

Scammer: “If that’s what you say, then. But this is real and legit.”

(I decide I have had enough.)

Me: “Look, I know this is a scam. You can stop now and spend your time trying to con someone else, or we can keep playing. Up to you.”

(After that, my “friend” didn’t have anything else to say. I’m not sure why.

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