Dine And Dash And Rehash

, , , | Legal | October 3, 2019

A young man came into our restaurant, drank two beers, ate a meal, and then dine-and-dashed on one of our servers. A few weeks later, he comes in alone again. We believe that we recognize him as the dine-and-dasher from a few weeks before and keep a close eye on him. At the end of his meal, when he believes no one is looking, he picks up his backpack and speed-walks out the front door. This time, however, our kitchen manager is lurking behind the podium and follows the young man outside. A few moments later, they both return, the young man looking rather sheepish. He apologizes to his server profusely for “forgetting” to pay before he left. He then produces a wallet with several cards. 

The first one does not work. He slips it into his pocket.

The second doesn’t work. He slips it into his pocket.

“Just one minute,” he says, “I’ve got another card in my truck.” He drops his backpack on the seat of the booth, goes outside for a few minutes, and comes back with another card. This card also does not work. The young man is becoming very anxious and is starting to shake. Fifteen minutes have passed and it is obvious that he has no way to pay for his meal. He pulls out his iPhone and calls somebody. He tries another card. No dice. The card goes into his pocket. 

Then, he hands his wallet to the server and says that he is meeting someone outside and they will come in and pay for his meal. He takes his backpack and leaves. He does not come back. 

We open the wallet to find two unregistered [Coffee Shop] loyalty cards, one [Burger Joint] gift card, and an expired condom. That’s it.

We don’t have to pay for walk-outs; of course, we did our due diligence. But we think we embarrassed him enough that he will not be back.

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Worming Her Way Out Of A Ticket

, , , , , , | Legal | October 1, 2019

(It’s about 9:00 pm on a Sunday night when my three-year-old comes to tell me she has bugs in her poop. At first, I ignore her because she’s also recently claimed the “bugs under her skin” have been “controlling” her this last week and that’s why she’s been acting out a little. After a little while, I go and look, and it turns out the kid is right; she’s got pinworms. I quickly load her in the car and start driving to the nearest pharmacy for medicine. We hardly leave our apartment before I see red and blue lights behind me. I pull over immediately, freaking out because at 25, this is the first time I’ve ever been pulled over. The officer comes out, asks for the usual, and adds on:)

Officer: “You’ve got a tail light out, ma’am. Mind telling me why you and the little one are out so late?”

Daughter:*super happy voice* “I’ve got butt worms, Offser, and we need medicine, ’cause the butt worms are itchy!”

(The officer couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. He did give me a warning, just so I could show any other officers that might have stopped me, but we got home fine, and I was able to fix the light, and my kid’s “butt worms.”)

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So, Like, If Get Scammed Does That Make Me, Like, More Popular?

, , , , , | Legal | September 29, 2019

(I have had the weekend from Hell itself, so I am miserable on a Monday night when this gem of a telemarketing scam comes through. For context, I am in the bathroom with horrible cramps when I hear the phone ring and my son brings me the phone. Also, I have my laptop on my lap, and it is definitely not an Apple product, as we are an Apple-free home due to budget.)

Me: “Hello?” *using an outrageous valley girl voice*

Scammer: *with a thick accent* “Hello, ma’am, I am calling from Apple Support to inform you that your iCloud account has been compromised.”

Me: “O-M-G!” 

(Yes, you got that right; I went SUPER valley girl!)

Scammer: “How many Apple devices do you own?”

Me: “Three!”

Scammer: “And what kind are they?”

(He is speaking slowly like I am the airhead I am pretending to b.)

Me: “An iPhone X, a laptop, and uh… an Apple watch.”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, it would seem your account is signalling from many places. Yes, someone in Russia, Germany, and other places have accessed your account. Do you have family from there that could have accessed the account?”

Me: “Noooo…”

Scammer: *huffs* “Well, ma’am, have you shared your account with anyone?”

Me: “NOOOOOOO…”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, I am going to give you a website to go to. What browser do you use?”

Me: *even more excited and outrageous voice* “Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

Scammer: *huffs LOUDER* “If you will go and type in this address.” *proceeds to give me a complex website to go to while attempting to phonetically spell it to me* “Ma’am, have you typed it in?”

Me: *stifling a giggle* “Yesssssss.”

Scammer: *huffs* “What does it say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: *pauses* “What? What did you say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, did you go away from the website?”

Me: “Noooo! This is what came up!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, you need to type that correctly. I do not understand how you are seeing this message.”

Me: *bursts into laughter because he is clueless and dropping into my real voice with a Southern drawl* “Dude, I’m just f****** with you. I’m a candidate for a PhD in military history, and there ain’t s*** in this house that’s an Apple product! You have a good day, sweetie.”

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Kill A Scam With A Scandal

, , , | Legal | September 28, 2019

(I lived in Washington, DC for several years, but don’t live there anymore. Knowing some things about the city gives me great tools when those scammers call.)

Scammer: “Hello, is this [Not Close To My Name]?”

Me: “May I ask who is calling, please?”

Scammer: *heavy foreign accent* “Ma’am, we have an urgent matter. This is the IRS. You owe us $10,000 which must be paid immediately–”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, the IRS? My brother-in-law works there! Are you on [Street]? On the 32nd floor? How’s the new [non-existent] metro station coming along? Do you know Bob? He’s my brother-in-law!”

Scammer: *confused* “Ma’am… this is an… “ *papers shuffling* “…urgent matter.”

Me: “My sister is going to divorce Bob because she saw those photos of him; it’s such a scandal. The kids don’t know the truth, of course, and Bob will lose the Ferrari and the penthouse. Heroin addiction is such a terrible thing–”

Scammer: *click*

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Every Day At This Store Is A Steal!

, , , , | Legal | September 27, 2019

(I work at a small wine store in the heart of downtown. The store is right at street level and by one of the busiest intersections in the city. As such, odd characters, as well as theft, are daily occurrences, and I get used to them quickly. We also always have samples of wine — corporate policy — for patrons to try our sale items. A man walks into the store.)

Customer: *pointing at a tray of wine samples* “Are these free to try?”

Me: “Of course! Feel free to have one.”

(While the man is enjoying his sample, another guy who regularly steals walks in, grabs some large bottles off the shelf, and leaves quickly.)

Customer: “Did he just steal!?!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty common. And that guy hits us up a few times a week.”

Customer: “D***, it’s that easy?!”

(With that he walked to a shelf, grabbed a bottle, and left. All I could think was, “At least he grabbed a poor-selling item!”)

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