Not Just A Scammer, But A Jerk, As Well

, , , | Legal | September 12, 2020

I have received three scam calls claiming to be from Apple support informing me that my account has been compromised. After just hanging up on the first two, I press the button to speak to customer support the third time.

Me: “Hi. I would like to be removed from your call list. I do not have any Apple products or an account.”

Operator: “How poor are you? Just go buy an iPhone.”

She then immediately hung up the phone before I could respond.

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Misplaced Honesty

, , , | Legal | September 10, 2020

I work in a call centre for monthly-posted contact lenses.

Customer: “My daughter is [Daughter], and her account number is [number]. Can I have my daughter’s prescription info?” 

Me: *Looks it up* “No, I am sorry. I see here that she just turned eighteen and it’s considered medical information, which I cannot disclose to anyone but her now that she’s over eighteen. I need her to call us herself.”

She flips her writ, to the tune of:

Customer: “I pay for those lenses! She’s only a child! Why won’t you disclose the information?!”

And so on.

Me: *Over and over again* “This call is recorded. You’re asking me to break the law. I. Can. Not. Disclose. The. Information. You’re. Asking. For.”

Customer: “Okay, so I am [Daughter]. Now give me the information.”

Me: “You introduced yourself when you called. I know you are not.” 

Customer: “So, if I called back and told you I was her, how would you know?”

Me: “That is called fraud, and that’s illegal.”

Customer: “But how would you know?”

Me: “I strongly advise you against committing fraud, as that is illegal.”

Customer: “But how would you know?”

Me: “I strongly advise you against committing illegal acts.”

I was thinking: “You seriously expect me to tell you, on a recorded call, to go ahead and commit fraud? And you’re seriously telling me, on that RECORDED CALL, that you intend to?!”

I put a note on the file to ask the store to call the girl and ask her, and a note that I suspected fraud, to cover my own behind when no doubt the woman did just as she said she would. I know people commit fraud like that all the time, and nothing comes of it if the relative has approved the deception, but maybe don’t tell someone on a recorded call that you mean to break the law.

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This Was No Accident

, , , , , | Legal | September 9, 2020

My dad is taking me grocery shopping while my car is getting serviced. We are driving when he gets a call from a random mobile number. We both know it is a scam call, but we could do with a laugh.

Dad answers the call, and sure enough, it is your typical, “You’ve been in an accident recently and we can get you megabucks” call — though in an interesting switch-up, the guy barely lets my dad say anything.

Finally, my dad agrees to be connected to someone else.

The scammer thinks he’s on to a winner and starts his final pitch — “All we need are your bank details, sir!” — when my dad cheerfully tells him that he hasn’t actually had an accident in over forty years of driving!

The scammer’s response of, “Oh, my golly gosh! What a terrible mix-up of details!” before hanging up has us both howling with laughter!

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And We Thought Regular Scam Calls Were Bad

, , , | Legal | September 6, 2020

At the time of this story, I need to answer phone numbers that I don’t recognize, so unfortunately, that means dealing with a lot of scam calls on top of the calls I am waiting for. To handle this, I start answering my phone in different languages, sometimes messing with them a bit to waste their time. Many scammers hang up when they think I can’t understand them.

This one is a bit more… persistent.

Scammer: *In a thick Indian accent* “Hello, I am calling about your credit card bill. I can reduce your interest.”

Me: “¿Qué? No tengo una tarjeta de crédito.” *What? I don’t have a credit card.*

Scammer: “Miss, I can save a lot of money for you. Please, what is your credit card number so I can reduce your interest?”

Me: “Ya te dije, no lo tengo.” *I already told you, I don’t have one.*

Scammer: “Miss, do you speak English?”

Me: “No, no English.”

Scammer: “Can you speak some English for me? Can you say, ‘I love you.’?”

Me: *Very weirded out* “No, eso es asqueroso.” *No, that’s gross.*

Scammer: “Say, ‘I love you.’”

Me: “You’re a pervert.”

Scammer: “YOU BI—”

All I could do was hang up then, just wishing there was actually a way to report him.

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Can’t He Just Celebrate On The Weekend Like A Normal Adult?

, , , | Legal | September 4, 2020

I am the manager of a law firm. I have spent several days coordinating a date and time for a deposition. The next day, I get a phone call.

Junior Lawyer: “Hi, I’m [Junior Lawyer]. I represent [Client Being Deposed]. I need to talk to you about rescheduling his deposition.”

Me: “Why?” 

Junior Lawyer: “I’ve just been told that it’s my client’s birthday. We need a different day, preferably a Tuesday.”

Me: “I had to find a day that worked for four different law firms, a judge, and your client. This was the only available day.”

Junior Lawyer: “But it’s his birthday!”

Me: “He’s a sixty-year-old man who works for the state. Are you telling me he’s not working that day?”

Junior Lawyer: “He’s working but… it’s still his birthday.”

Me: “I’m not going to reschedule unless you clear it with the judge.”

She calls back a few minutes later to tell me she’s got the judge on a conference call.

Junior Lawyer: “[Judge], I have [My Name] on the line. She says she can’t reschedule the deposition unless you clear it.”

Judge: “Why do I have to clear the date? You can change the date as long as my schedule permits.”

Me: “I wanted you to be aware of the reason for the change. It’s her client’s birthday.”

Judge: “So?”

Me: “She wants to change because he doesn’t want to do it on his birthday.”


Judge: “Are you really telling me that we spent days trying to schedule this and now it’s not going to work because it’s his birthday?!”

Junior Lawyer: “Well, he wants to go…”

Judge: “I’m sure he can go to Chuck E. Cheese a different day. We’re not changing. Goodbye!”

Me: “So, I’m going to go ahead and confirm the date now.”

Junior Lawyer: *Sighs heavily* “Okay. He’s not going to be happy.”

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