The Teacher Can Monitor All Of You

, , , , , | Learning | November 24, 2019

(I am in a computer science class where we aren’t allowed to log in until the teacher says so. The teacher can see everyone’s screens from her computer.)

Teacher: “[Student #1], log out of your computer.”

Student #1: “I’m not logged in!”

Teacher: “Yes, you are. You just turned the monitor off.”

Student #2: “Ha! She told you!”

Teacher: “[Student #2], log off, as well.”

Student #2: “Oh, you can see that?”

(The class burst out laughing.)

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Grandma Has Left The (Very Old) Building

, , , , , | Learning | November 23, 2019

(I work in a library that is in an old Corn Exchange building. I am showing a group of six-year-old schoolchildren around the building.)

Me: “That makes this building 178 years old. That’s older than your grandma!”

Child #1: “My grandma is 78!”

Child #2:My grandma is 92!”

Me: “Wow, so this building is nearly twice as old as your grandma, [Child #2]!”

Child #3: “My Granny died.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, that’s very sad!”

Child #3: “It’s not that sad.” *skips away to join her friends looking at DVDs*

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, , , , , | Learning | November 22, 2019

(I’m taking a finance class. We’re preparing for our midterm, which involves a lot of formulas. The professor is talking to us right before the end of class.)

Professor #1: “Oh! One more thing. You are allowed to use whatever information you can fit on a 3×5 notecard. Class dismissed. See you Thursday. Be ready!”

(I get an idea on Wednesday night. I type up all the relevant formulas in a Word document, shrink the font so that it will fit on the notecard, print it out, cut out the 3×5 square, and tape it to the notecard. The next day, the professor does a card check. When he gets to me…)

Professor #1: *inspects my card* “You typed this? Nice job! I’m gonna keep this in mind as a tip for future students.”

(Fast forward to the next semester. I’m in a Strategic Management class, which is my final course before I graduate. We are a couple of days out from our final exam.)

Professor #2: “Remember, guys, you can use one 3×5 notecard on your exam. Whatever you can fit, you can use. I’ll even let you use the front and back.”

(Everyone groans, as there’s a lot of vocabulary involved, and there’s no way that we can possibly fit everything on there, even if we use the back.)

Professor #2: “Do your best. Now, get outta here. Exam Wednesday. Last thing between most of you and graduation!”

(I remember what I did for my finance class and get to work typing definitions and principles. It takes some extra creativity, but I manage to shrink the text to make it small yet readable, and get about 75% of the content on the study guide onto the notecard. Fast forward to Wednesday. The professor walks in.)

Professor #2: “All right, people! Card check. Bring ‘em out!”

(He gets to me. He picks up my card and inspects it with a raised eyebrow.)

Professor #2: “You’ve got most of the study guide on here. How did you do that?”

Me: “Typed it.”

(He turns it upside down and squints at it.)

Professor #2: “Can you even read this?”

Me: “Yes.”

(He starts laughing.)

Professor #2: “[My Name], you’re a smart-a**.”

(I passed my exam with 90%.)

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Remember, Remember, The Fifth Of Duh-vember

, , , , , | Learning | November 21, 2019

Until the sale of certain fireworks was banned, every October and November the playgrounds of UK schools would be subject to screamer rockets set off at ground level and bangers (no, not sausages) being thrown. Obviously, there were rules about having fireworks on school grounds, but your typical comprehensive school inmate doesn’t think the rules apply to them. 

One genius at my school had just lit a banger but was spotted doing so by a teacher. Rather than throw it away, our hero stuck it in the back pocket of his jeans with the obvious outcome when the fuse burnt down. 

So, not only did he get detention, it was detention while sitting on an unforgiving school chair with a tender posterior. Obviously, we had the utmost sympathy for his plight and didn’t take the mickey at all.

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A Science Teacher’s Best Friend

, , , , | Learning | November 20, 2019

(I have a chemistry teacher who is a bit of a mad scientist.)

Teacher: “Today we’re going to learn something about diamonds. So, what do you know about diamonds?”

Student: “They’re really hard?”

Teacher: “Yes, that’s exactly right. But where people get confused is that they think because diamonds are hard they’re strong. Come up to the front and take a look at this diamond.”

(Students go up and he scratches some glass with the diamond and we all have a look at it.)

Teacher: *gets out hammer* “So, diamonds are hard, but they’re actually very brittle.”

(He then brings down the hammer and smashes the diamond to smithereens. The class is briefly stunned into silence.)

Student: “Umm, wasn’t that expensive?”

Teacher: “I don’t think so; the teacher before me left some industrial diamonds in a cupboard so I’ve just been smashing one every year.”

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