(I have a student who is severely allergic to peanuts. It’s in their IEP that even incidental contact could cause them serious problems, and I have to pay close attention to labels on what I eat and wash my hands vigorously if I have anything nut-related. I’m in a committee meeting in my principal’s office. Her recently-restocked candy dish is FULL of Reese’s Pieces.)

Me: *stares at bowl hungrily and uncertainly*

Principal: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “I really want a Reese’s, but I don’t have time to wash my hands as much as I’d need to before I pick up my class.”

Principal: “Does washing your hands really take that long?”

Me: “I mean, it’s either that or I accidentally kill [Student]…”

(Long pause as I realize what I just joked about, and my principal just stares.)

Principal: *tossing three pieces my way* “Well, if you’re killing [Student], you might as well make it worth your while.”

(For the record, I did wash my hands the required amount, and was only a minute late picking up my class.)

(I have a student I am seriously trying to help at school, but she has been very difficult so far. This is not because she is a bad person, but because she is lazy and doesn’t seem to understand basic concepts. In this case, I am taking care of the group while they work on a social studies evaluation.)

Me: *sees her paper* “[Student], sorry, you have a mistake here. Look. The instructions are to draw an X on the correct answer. So, on the question, ‘Which way does the Sun come out? East, South, or West?’ Just choose one.”

Student: *looks at her paper where she wrote “North” under the other options, then at me* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, look, let me erase this. So, is it… East, South, or West?”

Student: *grabs her pencil slowly and writes “North” in the same place again*

Me: *wanting desperately to bang my head on the floor* “[Student], listen. Choose one. You don’t need to add options; just draw an X on one of these.”

(I erase “North” again.)

Student: “Yes.”

Me: “[Student], every other question you have drawn an X on, without problem. Just listen… I’ll give you a hint: the answer is not North.”

(I noticed the student seemed to be thinking, so I moved on to another kid. After a while, she called me because she didn’t understand another question. Out of curiosity, I checked the question that was driving me crazy. She wrote, “North.” She also failed that exam. Between me and another coworker, we managed to prepare her for third grade, but it took too much effort on our part, and she only just managed. We had her tested, but got no relevant result. I still worry about her sometimes.)

It’s time for the August roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in August deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 844 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fourteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three. The winner of the previous roundup poll was A Pinch Of Good Parenting Can Go A Long Way, from the Related category!

The Gay Card Is Double-Sided – Don’t have that chip on your shoulder when it’s not needed.

The Language Of Disrespect – It pays to be polite in any language.

Pay It Forward Never Needs To Go On Sale – Karma on sale!

Life… Finds A Way – A love, 65 million years in the making.

Was “Tough” To Make Out – Them’s fightin’ words! I think?

Derpy With The Herpy – You’re going to be googling interesting words after this…

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned – A burning desire to not have sex.

Doesn’t Have The Power To Make Such Demands – The pen is mightier than the customer!

They Rostered Their Own Last Days – Lies in the age of smartphone cameras.

The Judicial Blintz – Getting citizenship is a piece of cake!

Flipped Their Last Bird – A huge UP YOURS to discriminatory teachers!

Slaves R Us – Working for free is future!

Does Not Have A Licence To Kill Licenses – Fake IDs are not so pretty in pink.

You’ve Crumbled Your Own Cookie – Thou shalt not steal chocolate!

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I am discussing poetry with my freshman Honors English class. We’re talking about how great poetry usually comes from deep, strong feelings. A student asks about the “happy poetry” from Doctor Who.

I am baffled.

I try to ask him if he remembers any of it, so he can give me a clue to what he means. He can’t. I ask him which Doctor he refers to.

He just says, “Who!”

A bit frustrated, I once again ask him which one of the Doctors he is referring to, specifying there has been more than one. I’m just trying to zero in on at least the season, so I can maybe Google what he means.

He stares at me for a few seconds. Then he hits his head and almost screams.

“Seuss! I meant Doctor Seuss!”

I have to bite my tongue to not laugh uncontrollably. The rest of the class has no such composure.

(I go to an all-girls school, and in ninth or tenth grade we come to the topic of genes in our biology class. Our textbook has a picture of the human chromosome pairs. Our teacher is male.)

Teacher: “So, can anyone tell me why this one chromosome is different?”

Student: “Maybe the person is handicapped?”

Teacher: “From your perspective, probably.”

(It was a Y chromosome.)