(Our teacher gives us twenty minutes at the end of a lesson on Friday to ask the most random questions and then debate one of them. We write them down and put them into a tombola for her to pick out of. The last few weeks every topic has been asking whether a prominent historical figure was gay, so this week she has pleading and praying that there isn’t another one.)

Teacher: *picking a topic* “Oh, for pity’s sake!”

(She turns around and writes the question on the whiteboard.)

Question: “Was Leonardo da Vinci gay?”

(She sat down and took some ibuprofen before letting us debate. Unbeknownst to her, we have all been putting those questions in the hat this month!)

(We are learning sex education, and our teacher has broached onto unusual sexual practices and fetishism. Don’t ask how it happened; it just did. There have been several things listed already.)

Student #1: “Enemas?”

Teacher: “Yes, they can also used in sexual practices.”

Student #2: “What about cement enemas?”

(I know exactly where he got the question from. The teacher does not however. You can tell she is trying to imagine the logistics.)

Teacher: “I… I need to lie down.” *leaves the classroom*

Student #3: “Oh, my God! You broke the teacher!”

(I’m sitting in Spanish class when I overhear this conversation:)

Teacher: “You had the whole weekend to work on this paper. Why didn’t you do it?”

Student: “I couldn’t send emails!”

(It was a paper assignment.)

(My first job as a teenager was front line and baker of a famous Canadian coffee house that was branded with a major tourist company that does highway convenience, airports, hotels, etc. Since I was only 15-18 when I was working there, I had to rely on my mother to drive me in and pick me up since I didn’t get my G2 driver’s license until college. I was only available weekends since I had dance classes during the week, but my managers and supervisors would look over this fact and would proceed to call me during class times almost every week. This happens during a math test where my teacher has had enough. Side note: I had my ringer on due to a family emergency and my teacher knew of this.)

Classroom: *silent*

(Cue Irish Rock to begin blaring from my hoodie pocket.)

Teacher: “Go ahead, [My Name]. You can finish your test at a later date.”

Me: *checks phone to see if it is [Family Member] and my caller display is saying [Work]* “Uh, it’s work.”

Teacher: “Are you serious? Give it to me.” *hands over phone, with my teacher now speaking to my manager* “Yes, hello! You’ve reached [My Name]’s cell phone. No, you may not. She’s taking a test. Well, I’m not letting you talk to her. Why? Again, she’s taking a test and you disrupted the rest of the classroom. Yes, you’d better apologize. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to speak to [My Name] about how you’re constantly calling her to come into work at short notice. She doesn’t drive, and is currently in second period. She has classes until 2:30 and club activities right after. If she receives another call during the day like this again, I will be reporting you to your superiors for your incompetence in understanding your employee’s schedule. It not a threat; this is a promise. All of her teachers are quite annoyed with this habit you’ve created. Now break it and leave the girl alone during the weekday. Goodbye.” *hangs up and passes my phone back* “Put your pencils down everyone. We’re going outside to let off some steam; AKA, I need to run this off!”

(When I went into work that Saturday, they apologized and asked me to give my teachers some gift cards for disrupting them.)

(We are in math class and this one kid is talking. Note that my math teacher has a sarcastic sense of humor.)

Student: *talking and generally being rude*

Teacher: “Well, [Student], if you think you don’t have to pay attention, why don’t you teach the class?”

Student: “Seriously?”

Teacher: “Sure!” *she hands him her keycard and everything*

Student: “Okay, class, so as Ms. [Teacher] was saying…”

(The teacher sat down in his seat, and started playing hangman with us. By now half the class was playing hangman and the other half was chatting to themselves, no one paying attention to the student. That was the best math class ever!)