Doesn’t Know Numbers Or Words

, , , , | Learning | July 9, 2018

(Our math teacher is on maternity leave and we have a substitute. We’ve had multiple occasions to doubt his skills, but the test he assigns is the last straw. The test consists of four exercises, of which one is marked “optional.”)

Student: “Excuse me, prof, I have a question regarding how you graded the test. Those who did any two exercises and the fourth one got a passing grade, and those who did the first three exercises failed. Why would you do that?”

Teacher: *looks at student as if he never saw a weirder animal* “Isn’t it obvious? The fourth exercise is optional!”

(More students start voicing their opinion, until the teacher has had enough.)

Teacher: “Cut this out! What’s so hard to understand? The exercise is worth four points because it’s more difficult than the others, and I marked it ‘optional’ because you were supposed to solve it!”

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I’ve Seen You A Lot Late-ly

, , , , , | Learning | July 9, 2018

(It is within my first month as a receptionist at a school which has several hundred kids. The ones I tend to see are those who sign out early or come in late. Kids will try all sorts of things to get out of detention for lateness, including taking advantage of being one of hundreds that I don’t know.)

Me: “Hey, [Student]! Why are you late this morning?”

Student: “How do you know my name?”

Me: “I see you twice a week when you sign out for [training]; I think that’s enough to learn your name and face.”

Student: *swears under his breath*

(If someone sees you enough, you will be remembered!)

Not ALL Roads Lead To Rome

, , , , , , | Learning | July 8, 2018

(I am working as a long-term sub for a teacher on maternity leave. It is an English class and we are reading Julius Caesar. While the kids are working on a different assignment, I mention something I just heard on the news.)

Me: “Hey, something you guys might find interesting: archaeologists just announced they found where Caesar landed with his army during their invasion of England.”

Student: “But… they didn’t have planes back then.”

Me: *bewildered* “Uh, no, but they did have ships.”

Student: “But why didn’t they just drive?”

Me: “You didn’t do well in geography, did you?”

A Physical Education

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 7, 2018

(I was always a clumsy kid, and as such, I’ve experienced my fair share of broken bones. Sixth grade is the first time I’ve ever needed crutches, and, because I am smaller and am considered “weird” by the other kids, I have been dealing with a lot of bullying. A boy steals one of my crutches during gym class for the second time in a week and humiliates me by poking me with it and telling me to chase him for it while the class laughs. I end up in the office, filing an incident report, and it is far from the first I’ve ever filled out.)

Administrator: “Honey, has this been going on for awhile?”

(I nod, still in tears.)

Administrator: “Okay, listen up, baby girl. Next time that boy tries to take your crutch, you have my full permission to take the other one and smack him upside his head with it. Nobody should be treating anybody like that.”

(I was stunned. When the kid got back from in-school suspension two days later, he tried to do it again, calling me “a little snitch b****.” I did what I was told to do, though I missed and ended up hitting him across his backside. He started to cry, and his mother came in the next day to complain, but was promptly told that it was done in self-defence and that he had been harassing me for months before this. The mother threatened legal action, but never went through with it, and the boy never bothered me again. I loved that administrator for sticking her neck out for me.)

You Can’t Candy-Coat This

, , , , , | Learning | July 6, 2018

(I’m subbing for a second-grade class and have just lined them up for recess.)

Me: “[Student], go put your coat on. It’s cold and windy out today.”

Student: “I can’t find it.”

Me: “Check your locker.”

Student: *opens locker* “It’s not here.”

Me: “Is it in your backpack?”

Student: “No. I looked.”

Me: “Is it at your desk?” *checks with her*

Student: “No.”

Me: “Were you wearing a coat when you came to school this morning?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: *sighs* “Okay. Let’s just go outside, and if you get cold tell me.”

Student: “Okay.” *plays for a while then runs over to me* “I’m cold.”

Me: “Go inside and ask the nurse if she has a coat or sweater you can borrow.”

Student: “Okay.”

(She comes back out a few minutes later with a coat TIED AROUND HER WAIST, and plays like that for the rest of recess. Later, at dismissal time:)

Student: “Hey, I found my coat!”

Me: “Oh, good. Where was it?”

Student: “In my backpack.”

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