(I’m taking a class on sustainability. We’re currently talking about the footprint humans leave on the earth and how damaging it is.)
Professor: “So, our current way of life would only be sustainable if we were able to inhabit 1.5 Earths.”
Student: “Is that a problem?”
Professor: *upon realizing she’s serious* “Uh, yeah, it is, actually.”
Student: “Why? I don’t see a problem.”
Professor: “Well, do you have another half-Earth lying around somewhere?”
Student: “No.”
Professor: “Well, then, there’s a problem.”
Student: “Can’t we just make another Earth?”
(I’ve heard lots of dumb things said over the years, but I think that takes the cake.)
It’s time for the February roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in February deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 802 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out nine.
If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!
Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was She Has To Live Somewhere Else, But At Least She Will Be Living from the Healthy and Related categories!
They Are First-Class Jerks – Entitlement at 30,000ft!
A Shout Out To All The Non-Employees – A story to make you smile.
Directions Needed To Get To Modern Times – The man of times old was truly directionless.
Taking Inventory: I’m Afraid I Can’t Let You Do That, Dave – Budget some time for this story – it’s worth it.
A Breakdown Evens Out A Breakup – This story smells.
Hard Not To Smile – There is a whole spectrum of understanding in the world.
Hopefully, You Won’t Pay(Roll) For That – A truly satisfying F-bomb.
So Many Optometrists But They Can’t See What’s Happening – They’re blind to how they’re shooting themselves in the foot.
A Little Calling Out Is Good For Your Mental Health – Scream if you want to make a point about screaming!
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*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default.
We’ve decided to separate our favorite ‘Hopeless’ story of the month from the section above, since it’s not part of the poll:
God Gave Rock And Roll To You – The title says it all!
(I’m a teacher. The assistant principal at my school is laid back and hilarious. I’m walking out for the day when I stop to talk to him.)
Me: “Hey, [Assistant Principal]. I was wondering something.”
Assistant Principal: “What’s up?”
Me: “Can you use your magic assistant principal powers to make it Friday?”
Assistant Principal: “If I could, I’d make it Friday every few days. Our weeks would be: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Friday again!”
(I am attending a course about glasses and how to order them according to the customers’ needs. Our teacher is talking about common mistakes done while ordering them and comes to the section about the distances seen by wrongfully-ordered glasses — what you “can” see and you “won’t” see clearly.)
Teacher: *mentioning this and that mistake* “…which leads to the person missing out on about five inches of distance, where he won’t see things clearly.”
(For a moment, one of my female colleagues looks at him in confusion.)
Female Colleague: “Do you even feel five inches?”
(The world turned white as I threw my head back and let out a childish, uncontrollable, howling laughter, which led to tears in my eyes. My colleagues looked at me in confusion, and one after another slowly realised what she had just said.)
(I am a high school teacher, and we had our swimming carnival the other day. The kids get really enthusiastic about their sports houses. They dress in their house colours and bring banners, decorations, and flags. I am supervising and walk past two boys in year seven playing with a flag. One boy is tapping the other one on his shoulders and shouting, “I crucify you!” That catches my attention, and I stop.)
Me: “Hey, boys. That’s a little morbid, don’t you think?”
Flag Boy: “What do you mean, miss?”
Me: “Do you know what it means to crucify someone?”
Boys: *blank looks*
Me: “Crucifying someone is when you nail someone to a piece of wood and hang them up until they die.”
Crucified Boy: “Oh!”
Me: “Crucifying someone is a bit of a dishonourable thing. It looks more like you’re trying to knight each other, like when the queen taps the shoulders of a brave soldier and makes them a ‘sir.’ That is a sign of honour.”
Boys: *comprehension slowly dawning*
Flag Boy: “Wait… I’ve been crucifying people all day!”
