They’re Gunning For You

, , , , | Learning | August 15, 2017

(This story was told to my class a few years ago by our teacher, about something that happened to him in his old school. There was a kid in his class that always wanted to pick a fight and was always angry.)

Angry Kid: *to another student* “You wanna f****** fight?! Let’s go!” *tries to get in the guy’s face*

Student: *backs away from the kid*

Teacher: *gets in-between them and tells the angry kid to stop*

Angry Kid: “Shut the f*** up!” *grabs a squirt bottle of water and tries to hit my teacher*

Teacher: *grabs his arm and twists it behind the angry kids back and shoves him against the whiteboard*

(The kid was sent to the office and the next day my teacher is walking through the halls before school.)

Passing Student: “See you, Mr. [Teacher]!”

Passing Student #2: “Good luck, Mr. [Teacher]!”

Passing Student #3: *looks at him with concern*

Teacher: *thinking, what the h*** is going on?!*

(My teacher found out that on the way to school that day, the angry kid had apparently told another kid that he was going to shoot Mr. [Teacher] and he had hid different parts of a gun around the school. After that incident my teacher had to go sit in a meeting with the angry kid that had been planning on shooting him, along with the kid’s parents. Certainly one of the more interesting stories.)

Shenando’s And Don’ts

, , , | Learning | August 14, 2017

(My high school advanced band is being coached before a concert at a local college. We are working on a song which we have never played in its entirety before that evening, so it kinda sucks. My section consists of me, an accomplished junior, and two seniors, neither of which like criticism or want to be there. An sfz, or sforzando, means to play as loud as possible, or as loud as the style allows, on the indicated note.)

Coach: “Okay, so on [measure], everyone with an sfz on the second beat needs to come in strong. We need to hear that color come out of the texture.”

(We play the rep. I come in on the sfz twice as loud as I need to because I know the rest of my section won’t heed the coach’s advice.)

Coach: “HORN! We are not firebombing the Shenandoah Valley, for goodness sakes! We are gazing over it, looking at the beauty… not DESTROYING IT!”

(Later, my dad, who was at the rehearsal and found this moment to be hilarious, and tries to convince me to start running.)

Dad: “Your lung capacity would be massive if you just ran a few miles each day. Just think: You wouldn’t just firebomb the Shenandoah Valley. You could nuke it.”

Salads Just Got More Interesting

, , , , | Learning | August 14, 2017

(At college, I take a course on the modern history of drugs. As you might expect, most of the class uses weed. Usually, anyone high in class just zones out, but one day we’re discussing regulation of marijuana post-legalization.)

Classmate #1: “I don’t even understand how people think you can regulate marijuana. It’s natural. It comes from the ground. It’s like lettuce!”

Me: *whispers* “How high do you have to be to say that out loud?”

Classmate #2: “I’m just pissed our term papers are due next week, because that’s a way better topic than mine.”

Me:Weed Vs Lettuce: What’s The Real Difference?”

You’re A 100% Chance Of Being An Idiot

, , , , | Learning | August 14, 2017

(I am a teacher providing a tour for parents of new students in the next year. There are two in the group who are very vocal. The atmosphere is pretty casual, and parents are free to ask questions whenever they like.)

Parent #1: “Excuse me? How often is there a nurse in the school?”

Me: “We have several first aiders who are present at all times, so immediate care can be given. As for the nurse, we have two who tend to switch. Thursday are usually their days off. Generally we have both on hand with tasks needing more involvement, like shots and and lice checks.”

Parent #2: “Shots as in vaccines? Oh, no, no, no. My son won’t be doing those. It’s so dangerous.”

Parent #1: “Yes. How could people be so careless! Did you know that the MMR vaccine has a 100% chance of causing autism?! I refuse to left my son be a r****d!”

Me: “I guess I’m a r****d, then.”

(Neither parents looked too happy with my retort, and one of them pulled their student out of the school. The other, however, attended school and gladly had his vaccinations. Apparently there was some words exchanged between his mother and father, to which I assume the father won.)

A Naked Business Proposal

, , , , , | Learning | August 13, 2017

We are watching the most recent episode of a business show in my marketing class, where investors nicknamed after certain large marine predators hear business proposals and invest in them.

The class watches for the first few minutes as a company that does wine and art classes sets up a demo on portrait painting for the investors. All of the sudden, a guy in a bathrobe walks in on screen. It becomes clear to the class that this is going to be nude painting.

My marketing teacher SPRINTS to his computer and quickly changes the episode. I’ve never laughed so hard in his class.

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