(I am in Honors French 3, and we are learning verbs that have to do with love and hate. Our teacher is trying to get us to write a story about love. This all takes place in French. Sophie and Jacques are the story’s characters.)

Teacher: “So, Jacques tries to find Sophie but he can’t, and starts crying. Then what?”

Student #1: “Sophie comes over.”

Teacher: “And asks, ‘Why are you crying?’ And he says, ‘I thought I’d never find you.’ And then what happens?”

Student #2: “Sophie kills Jacques!”

Teacher: “With what?”

Student #3: “A fork!”

Teacher: “How?”

Student #4: “She stabs him in the eye, then the ear.”

Teacher: “So, Jacques falls to the ground, and then what happens?”

Student #5: “Sophie eats Jacques!”

Teacher: “This is in a park… What do the people walking by say?”

Student #6: “They also start eating Jacques! It’s a buffet!”

(We all found this hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. The teacher called our sense of humor macabre.)

(My school is two stories tall. There are two main stairwells, as well as a third stairwell in the library. The two main stairwells become unbearably crowded with students trying to get to their next classes, but the one in the library does not. Being an avid reader, I like to take those stairs to get to class because I can also spend a few minutes browsing for new books to read in my spare time. One day while I’m at school, my mom gets a call from the librarian.)

Librarian: “Hello, is this [My Name]’s mother?”

Mom: “Yes, this is [Mom], can I help you?”

Librarian: “Hello, Mrs. [Mom], I’m calling to ask if you’d like me to ban your daughter from the library.”

Mom: *aghast* “Ban her from the library?! What did she do?”

Librarian: “I see her wandering around the library between every single class period!”

Mom: “Is she causing a disturbance?”

Librarian: “No, she’s very quiet, but she’s here during every transition period. Sometimes she even spends her lunch period in here!”

Mom: *confused* “So, she’s skipping her classes?”

Librarian: “Well, no, she’s hasn’t been marked absent from her classes.”

Mom: *still confused* “Is she running late to her classes?”

Librarian: “No, she hasn’t been marked tardy, either.”

Mom: “Is she failing any of her classes?”

Librarian: “No, ma’am, she’s making good grades in all of her classes.”

Mom: *annoyed* “So, you mean to tell me that she’s making it to all of her classes on time, getting good grades, and quietly looking at books between her classes… and you’re asking if I want her to be banned from the library?”

Librarian: *is quiet for a few moments* “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Mrs. [Mom]. Have a nice day.” *click*

(The librarian was significantly more friendly towards me after that, recommending and reserving lots of new books for me whenever I returned the ones I’d finished, and I continued to use the library stairs without any more trouble.)

Related:
The Contrarian Librarian: Looking For Work
Re-emergence Of The Contrarian Librarian
The Inattentiveness Of The Contrarian Librarian

(I am teaching a 12th-grade journalism class.)

Me: “For today’s assignment, I want you think of someone famous that you admire. They can be living or dead, as long as they are a real person. Imagine that you have the entire day to interview that person, write at least five questions, and try to think about how he or she would answer. Be creative! Here is a list of famous people to help give you an idea, in case you don’t have someone in mind.”

(The list contains a variety of people from history and the present day that most students should be familiar with, especially by the time they are in high school.)

Student #1: “Ms. [My Name], I don’t know who this person is.”

(I walk over to the student’s desk. To my astonishment, he is pointing to Albert Einstein’s name on the list.)

Me: *thinking the student is pulling my leg* “Come on, you know him! He was the scientist that came up with the formula E=MC2.”

Student #1: “Never heard of him.”

(I was shocked that even though I picked common people that are usually discussed in social studies and other subjects in school, these kids had no idea who I was talking about! The only names they did recognize were Dr. Seuss and Martin Luther King, Jr. But, they only knew MLK, Jr. because they don’t have to go to school on his birthday! They had no idea why he was important!)

(I teach older kids who can already swim, but who want to improve their swimming. I usually have mixed groups, where the oldest are eighteen years old and the youngest eight. I also teach a brother and sister, ten and fourteen years old respectively. One day, only the boy shows up. The group has gathered for roll call.)

Boy: “[Sister] is not coming. She told me I had to say she was sick. But she’s not really sick. She is MEN-STRU-A-TING.”

(The group snickers, but the boy doesn’t understand why.)

Me: “Yeah, that’s understandable, and completely normal. Also, [Boy], I don’t think your sister would have wanted the whole group to know that.”

Boy: “Why not?”

(Lunch is over in our toddler classroom, and we are putting the kids down for nap time. It’s fairly dark with the lights off, and my co-teacher and I are sitting on the floor patting the backs of toddlers. My co-teacher looks around me.)

Co-Teacher: “Hey, what is [Child] eating?”

(This child’s nap time mat is near the lunch table, and he will sometimes eat off the floor if we miss something during clean-up. I turn to look at him. He takes his fingers out of his mouth, gets a refill, then puts his fingers back in his mouth.)

Me: “Boogers.”

Co-Teacher: “Gee… Glad I asked.”