His Brain Is On The Rocks

| London, UK | Working | December 30, 2012

Me: “Single vodka and diet Coke; no ice, please.”

Bartender: “Sure.”

(He takes a glass and immediately begins filling it with ice.)

Me: “No ice, please!”

(He continues putting ice in the glass.)

Me: “Excuse me! No ice, please!”

Bartender: “What?”

Me: “No ice!”

Bartender: “You don’t want ice?”

Me: “No thanks.”

(He sighs theatrically, empties out the ice, and takes the now empty glass to the optics.)

Bartender: “Did you say whisky?”

Me: “No, vodka. And diet Coke.”

Bartender: “Single or double?”

Me: “Single, please!”

Bartender: “With Coke?”

Me: “DIET Coke, please.”

Bartender: “Oh sorry, did you want ice in that?”

Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, | Montana, USA | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I wanted to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes, and have been considering getting one for awhile.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, cause I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret, or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers went silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison, it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name Boa Constrictor. If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, 6 months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)

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Time To Teach Time Travel

| Indiana, USA | Working | December 29, 2012

(I am a substitute teacher. This takes place on Picture Day, where all the kids go with their homeroom teachers to have school pictures taken. After about a quarter of my students have sat for their portraits and are sitting quietly near me while they wait for their classmates to finish, the principal comes in to the room.)

Principal: “You need to take the students who are finished back to your classroom. They can’t just loiter in here.”

Me: “But, I thought I wasn’t supposed to leave any student unattended.”

Principal: “That’s right.”

Me: “So, I have to walk each student, as they are finished, back to my classroom?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “And, then, return here to escort the next student?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(I proceed to escort the 6-8 students who were finished back to my classroom. I then return to the cafeteria, where portraits are being taken. Just then, the principal walks in, seemingly livid.)

Principal: “What did I tell you about leaving students unattended?”

Me: “I’m confused. I thought I was supposed to escort each student back to my classroom, and then return here for the next student.”

Principal: “Yes! That’s right!”

Me: “But, to do that, the students in the classroom would be left unattended.”

Principal: “Students should NEVER be unattended!”

Me: “Then, should I stay in the classroom and tell students to just return to my room when the portraits are done?”

Principal: “What are you thinking?! Students should never be left unattended in the classroom, in the cafeteria, or in the hallways.”

Me: “Let me see if I am getting this right: I am supposed to be in the cafeteria throughout the time the portraits are being taken so the kids aren’t unattended in the cafeteria. I am also supposed to escort each and every student back to my classroom so they aren’t unattended in the hallways. Once I take a student back to the classroom, I’m supposed to stay there so that they aren’t left unattended in my room. Is that right?”

Principal: “YES! God, why is that so hard to figure out? At this rate, it’ll be a miracle if you don’t flunk out of your master’s program.”

Me: “So, tell me, how am I supposed to be in the cafeteria, in my classroom, and escorting students in the hallway all at the same time?”

Principal: “You are the teacher. That is your job to figure out. Now, get it done!” *storms off*

(I did my best to bend the laws of physics and reality to accomplish his directive, but it didn’t work. In the end, I ended up having to leave the students unattended in the cafeteria, where at least the adult photographer and school secretary were present. At the end of the day, I was relieved from my position as a long-term substitute teacher for “Endangering the safety of students by leaving them unattended.”)

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Customer Service Can Be A Stumbling Block

| Canada | Working | December 29, 2012

(I’ve lost my wallet. I spend an entire week frantically re-tracing my steps on foot—over 40 city blocks—checking my university’s lost and found, and looking in my mailbox to see if someone had returned it. Finally, I give up hope. I pay for new IDs and cancel my cards. But several days later, someone from university calls to report it has been found. I am on the phone to reactivate my credit card.)

Me: “Hi, I reported my card lost, but now I have it and would like to reactivate.”

Representative: “Why did you report it lost if you have it?”

Me: “I lost my wallet and didn’t expect to get it back. But I have it now. Can you reactivate my card?”

Representative: *sighs* “Okay, but I have to verify some info from your account.”

Me: *answers*

Representative: “…and where was your last purchase made?”

Me: *answers*

Representative: *rudely* “Do you recognize charge from [other store]?”

Me: “Yes, but that was purchased earlier in the same day. You asked for the last purchase. Now can you reactivate my card? I’ve given you plenty of info.”

Representative: “Okay, I’ll reactivate your account, but just so you know, you should never report your card stolen if it’s not serious. That feature is for emergency use only!”

Me: “I never said it was stolen; it was lost. I didn’t want anyone finding and using my card.”

Representative: “Well, you still shouldn’t have done that. Obviously it was in your house all along and you just couldn’t figure out where.”

Me: *click*

Customer Service People

| Working | December 28, 2012

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