Me: *answering the phone* “Hello. This is [Office], security department.”

Caller: “Hello, my name is Peter from Microsoft, and I’m calling because there’s a virus on your Microsoft machine—”

Me: “Well, I should hope so. I didn’t spend all this time setting up an air gap for a false alarm.”

Caller: “Sorry? I’m calling because there’s a virus –”

Me: “Technically, it’s a WannaCry Trojan.”

Caller: “I don’t think you understand—”

Me: “Oh, did you mean you want to order a virus? Because I can make them, but it’s illegal, so I’m going to have to tell you not to do that, and if you are especially don’t go onto the dark web—”

Caller: “Miss, this is very serious; you have a virus on your—”

Me: “I know. I installed it. You called a penetration test lab.”

Caller: *click*

(For those not familiar, a penetration test is effectively a hired hacking service, so you can see how secure your system is. Some scam calls are just deliciously ironic.)

This happened at my mom’s office last year. One night in winter, her bosses were working really late and still had some lights on in the building. While working on the second floor, they heard something downstairs, so they called the police, considering it was after midnight and they thought the door was locked.

The police arrived, guns drawn, and discovered a drunk girl passed out in the receptionist’s chair. After talking to her, it turned out she had been drinking at a concert venue near the college and was so drunk when she left that she ended up walking about two miles in the wrong direction from campus. It was a cold night, so when she started to get too cold, she saw lights on in their building and, because the door was accidentally left unlocked, she thought it would be okay to warm up inside. She ended up passing out instead. The police helped her out, and I’m guessing they drove her back to her dorm.

But that morning, they realized she had left a phone. After a couple calls, it was discovered it wasn’t her phone at all; it belonged to a guy she met that night. They got another contact number for the guy from one of his friends, and when they finally spoke to him, he told the receptionist he was too drunk to come pick up the phone that morning.

Later that afternoon, the guy finally showed up, wrapped in a sheet, and asked for his phone. The receptionist gave it to him, and then he asked if he could take a selfie with her before he left. She said no.

(My mother and I are driving home from a long trip. It is evening and we still have a ways to go, so we decide to go through the drive-thru of a nearby coffee shop. Note that the time is about 15 minutes to close for this location.)

Order Taker: *in a bad accent* “Hola! What can I giggity-get started for you?”

Mom: *chuckles* “Two mochas, please; hold the whipped cream.”

Order Taker: “That’s two chocos minus the sweet top. Anything else?”

Mom: “No, that’s all.”

Order Taker: “Bea-ooootiful. That’ll be 80 kabillion dollars at the next window.”

(My mom and I cracked up laughing. Thanks, silly order taker, for making our long drive a little less tiring!)

(My husband and I work for the same company. Our daughter is in daycare. Our daycare has a strict rule about parents picking up their children no later than 5:45, which is perfectly reasonable. When our company holds its annual Golf Day, it is traditional for the day to end with a drawing for several nice prizes. On this particular day, the drawing has been delayed, and it is starting to get late.)

Me: “We’re going to have to leave soon; otherwise, we’ll be late picking up [Daughter].”

Husband: “I know. I hate to miss the drawing, though. The top prize is a mountain bike, and I’d love to win it. My bike is falling apart, and we can’t afford to replace it.”

Me: “Well, let’s give them five more minutes.”

(Five minutes come and go. No drawing yet.)

Me: *to the event organizer* “We have to get going. If we win a prize, could someone else accept it for us?”

Organizer: “Nope. You have to be here to accept it. We want to discourage people from sneaking off early.”

Me: “We’re not sneaking off early, though. We have to pick up our daughter from daycare.”

Organizer: *shrugs* “Too bad. That’s the rule.”

Husband: “Oh, well. We probably wouldn’t have won anything, anyway.”

(The next day, we found out that my husband’s name WAS called for the mountain bike, but because he wasn’t there, it was given to someone else. The worst part? The person who won it didn’t like us, and he gleefully rubbed it in our faces that we’d missed out.)

(I work in the fitting room. One of my duties is answering all incoming telephone calls. One day it is rather slow. A coworker is hanging out near the fitting room, and we are chatting.)

Coworker: “When I was in high school, my youth pastor would have us all over to his house and—”

(The phone rings.)

Coworker: “—I’ll finish my story after you get that.”

Me: *not really paying much attention to what I’m saying* “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I feel you today?”

(My coworker bursts out laughing. I don’t know if the customer notices, because she doesn’t say anything about it, just asks to be transferred to a certain department.)

Coworker: “I’m not going to finish my story. It can’t compete with that.”