Sure Beats A Shot In The Arm

, , , , , | Related | September 19, 2017

(My father lives in an Alzheimer’s care facility. My youngest sister, who is a nurse and his healthcare contact, gets called that he has fallen and the facility has had him transported to the nearest emergency department. When my sister arrives at the hospital, she’s told that although Dad doesn’t seem to be injured, they have taken x-rays, as he is almost completely nonverbal and the staff wants to be sure there are no injuries. Dad is an Army veteran and sustained several combat wounds during WWII. Battlefield surgery being what it was in 1945, he will go to his grave carrying a few bullet and shell fragments that are still lodged in his arms, legs and torso. My sister is sitting with Dad in the exam room when the duty physician walks in, holding the x-rays and looking puzzled.)

Doctor: “Can you tell me… has your father ever been shot?”

Sister: *matter-of-factly*  “Oh, yes. Lots of times.”

Strange Bedfellows

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

Unfiltered Story #90282

, , , | Unfiltered | June 25, 2017

[Every month, all of our lifeguards must attend an in-service to ensure our skills are up to date. During this in-service, we’re all introducing ourselves to each other while treading water with our hands up]

me: I’m [my name], I’ve been here for about a year and a half… and my favorite superhero is Captain America!

[I notice while I’m talking that one of the younger guards is snapping her fingers in a ‘hurry up’ motion. She does this to the next two people as well.]
me, quietly: [name], stop.

[Several introductions later, I notice that she continues to snap her fingers, and I realize she’s doing this to help keep concentrated. Realizing my mistake, I swim over to her between activities to apologize.]

me: Hey, [name], wait up, I’m–

guard: You are NOT my supervisor. You CANNOT tell me what to do, and it is NONE of your business what I do with my hands. I was snapping my fingers to keep the beat! You are NOT my supervisor!

me, moderately confused at the outburst: Oh– yeah, uh… I realized that. I came over to apologize. I thought you were rushing us.

guard, smugly: I’m sorry that you thought that, but you are NOT my supervisor-

me: I didn’t think I was-

guard: – and you CANNOT tell me what to do, because you have no business telling me what to do with my hands!

[She continues to interrupt me as I try to speak. Eventually, I deduce that she was more upset that she didn’t have the chance to tell me off before I came to apologize, so she had to get her licks in while she had the chance. I told her I didn’t have the energy to continue and I swam away.]