Start The Car Or Get The Girl

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 5, 2018

(When I am eighteen it is deemed necessary for me to buy a car. I buy one from a neighbor that is over twenty years old, but in good enough shape to get me back and forth to college. The car won’t start after a long day at school. My school has a driver assistance program for simple fixes. I call them, and within fifteen minutes a van pulls up. He tries to jump the car, which doesn’t work. The battery isn’t dead, so I assume the starter is having problems. I resign myself to calling a tow truck. I walk to the main entrance to wait for him. When he arrives, the tow truck he has brought is far too large to make it to the top floor of the parking garage.)

Tow Driver: “This one is too big. I’ll call my partner to bring the smaller truck.”

(While he is doing that, I notice a very pretty female student, who has gotten a flat tire in front of the garage. I offer to help. She grabs the jack and spare tire from her trunk and I go to work. My tow truck driver is now standing on the bed of his truck, screaming directions angrily into his phone for the smaller tow truck driver. It is comical, and the pretty girl and I both have a laugh. It is then that I notice that one of her lugnuts is a wheel lock, and I will need the special tool to get it off. This tool is usually kept near the spare.)

Me: “Do you have the adaptor for your wheel lock? It should be in the trunk where the rest of this was.”

Pretty Girl: “Oh, yeah. I didn’t know what that was, so I didn’t grab it.”

(She tries to open her trunk but it is locked. She goes for the drivers door… which is also locked.)

Pretty Girl: “Oh, no! I locked my keys in the car.”

(Sure enough, all the doors are locked, and the keys are on the front seat.)

Pretty Girl: “I think I am just going to call my dad; he has my spare keys and will be able to fix the tire.”

Me: “Are you sure? I would be happy to wait with you until he gets here.”

Pretty Girl: “No, that’s all right. I think your ride is here, anyway.”

(Sure enough, the second tow truck had showed up, so the two drivers and I piled in and made our way to my car. The original driver asked for my keys, sat in the driver’s seat, and tried the ignition. Nothing. He then tried again, this time mashing the gas pedal to the floor a few times, causing the car to start up with a roar like I had never heard from this car. Having never driven an older car to this point, giving it a little gas had never even occurred to me. I was on my way home five minutes later. So, to sum up, I paid over $200 to have another grown man teach me how to start my car. It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized my other mistake: I had been assisting a very pretty damsel in distress, and I never even thought to ask for her number.)

Unfiltered Story #122035

, , , | Unfiltered | September 21, 2018

(I am a travler trying to get home after a multi-day interview and the flight I was on had to return to the airport after smoke got into the cabin. We were told to relocate to a new gate to board a different plane and get on our way. A flight at the gate next to us has been grounded due to weather in Philadelphia and they are having passengers get new boarding informarition. I overhear this exchange)

Customer: This is ridiculous. This flight was already delayed. Now look at your ticket and look here, the times have already changed. I don’t care about the weather in Philly. What does that have to do with anything here?

Customer’s Friend: Well they can’t land the plane.

Customer: This is still ridiculous

That Explains The White Gloves

, , , , , | Healthy | July 26, 2018

(I am the strange one in this story. I have just woken up after a colonoscopy and my mind is still a bit fuzzy, but I still don’t know what drove me to do this.)

Doctor: “How do you feel?”

Me: “Are you Mickey Mouse?”

Doctor: “No, I’m not.”

Me: “You’re lying. Hi, Mickey!”

(I feel more awake and realize what I just said.)

Me: “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

Doctor: “That’s okay. That’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard today.”

It Was All Gouda The First Time

, , , , , | Right | January 25, 2018

(After handing an order — a sandwich with cheese — out the drive-through window, I walk away. The customer starts banging on the window and yelling for me to come back. When I return, the customer holds the now-unwrapped sandwich out to me.)

Customer: “There’s no cheese on this sandwich!”

(There is definitely cheese on the sandwich. It is melted, and stringy, and sticking to the wrapper at the sides of the sandwich. I don’t really know how to respond, so…)

Me: “Oh, uh… I’m sorry… about that… let me fix it for you…”

(I take the sandwich back. I walk back to the girl who is making sandwiches. I explain the situation to her, and we both have a bit of a chuckle. Then, I re-wrap the same sandwich and take it back to him. He unwraps it, checking it for cheese.)

Customer: “Ah, you made it right this time. I guess sometimes we all make mistakes, right? Thank you!”

(And with that, he drove off. Yes, sir, sometimes we ALL make mistakes.)

Your Comedy Routine Is Going South

, , , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(My coworker does very good impressions and while he normally sticks to celebrities, he can do a few accents, too.)

Coworker: *to boss in a southern accent* “Get ya hands off my gun and go to church or I’m gonna tan your hide.”

Boss: “Mhmm.”

Coworker: *still doing a southern drawl* “Naw, listen here, Jimmy. The most important lessons in life is how to shoot a gun and how to get ’em girls pregnant, y’hear?”

(The phone rings and my boss goes into his office to answer it.)

Me: “[Coworker], you know [Boss] is from Georgia, right?”

Coworker: “Georgia… wait, like…?”

Me: “Like the south of the south! You’re basically doing a bad impression of people from his home state.” *sarcastically* “Way to go, buddy.”

Coworker: “No… No! He doesn’t have an accent! How the hell was I supposed to know? Are you sure he’s from Georgia? He has like no accent. He speaks like us!”

Me: “Like us? You mean he speaks English? You need to stop talking. You’re digging yourself into a deeper hole.”

Coworker: “OH, S***! OH, S***!”

(He didn’t get into trouble, since our boss has a very good sense of humour, but [Coworker] sticks to celebrities now.)

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