Why Did The Husband Cross The Road…

, , , , , | Right | August 21, 2018

(I’m working the counter at a popular fast food chain. A lot of times we have elderly people come in from nearby retirement or nursing homes, often with a list of things to bring back. Today an elderly gentleman comes in with one of such lists.)

Me: “Hi there! Is this for here or to go?”

Customer: “Hello. This will be to go.” *places coupon on counter* “I would like to use this twice, please.”

(I check and see that it is a 2-for-$5 chicken sandwiches coupon. For these coupons, we need to input which sandwiches the customer wants before continuing on with the order.)

Me: “Okay! Do you—”

Customer: *continuing on* “—and I would also like.”

Me: “Actually, sir, I need to know which sandwiches you would like.”

Customer: “Oh. The chicken sandwiches.”

Me: “Yes, I know. But which chicken sandwiches would you like?”

Customer: “I would just like four chicken sandwiches.”

Me: *seeing he’s holding a piece of paper in hand and assuming it’s a list* “Do you have a list I can look at?”

Customer: *lifts up the paper and places it in front of me* “Well, my wife told me she wants four chicken sandwiches, a small fry, and two drinks.”

(I read over the short list. Indeed, it says, “four chicken sandwiches,” but not which kind.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got the fry and the drinks. But which chicken sandwiches would you like for the coupon? We have three to choose from.” *points them out on the board* “We have [chicken sandwich #1], [chicken sandwich #2], or [chicken sandwich #3].”

Customer: “Oh. I just would like four chicken sandwiches.”

(I’m struggling at this point to keep my customer service smile in place.)

Me: “We have different kinds of chicken sandwiches, sir.”

Customer: “Do you?” *looks at the board again* “Oh. Well, just give me the best one.”

Me: *ascends to another plane of existence*

(I ended up giving him two of [chicken sandwich #1] and two of [chicken sandwich #3]. He and his wife must have liked them, because I saw them a few days later ordering the same sandwiches again!)

Men In Their Fifties Talking Like It’s The Fifties

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2018

(I am seventeen, waitressing for a small-town restaurant run by a family. The only people that work there besides me are the two male owners and their four sons of various ages. I am the only girl. It’s a really small town, full of older people, so I often am requested just because I am female, or given winks and stuff from older gentlemen, which I normally just ignore.)

Male Customer: *in his late 50s* “Nice legs. When do they open?”

(I then “accidentally” spill hot coffee on his leg.)

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry; let me get you a towel.”

(I run to the back while listening to the guy start cursing loudly in the dining room. Both owners and all the brothers come over and ask what happened. I explain, and they all drop what they are doing and go out to the dining room to the customer. They crowd around him and then tell him to get out. They tell him that they don’t care about what I did because he deserved it.)

My Next Table: “Wow. You must be the sister.”

Me: “Nope.”

(I love that family.)

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You Can’t Bake An Alaska In Wisconsin

, , , , , , | Right | August 10, 2018

I used to work at a popular ice cream-slinging burger joint that sold all manner of ice cream treats, including ice cream cakes. I was working the drive-thru when a coworker informed me that they had a complaint about a cake they purchased.

Turns out they had attempted to bake it, and they were upset that all it did was melt. I attempted to explain to them that ice cream melts when heated, but they refused to accept that a cake would melt in the oven. I told them they were beyond any help at this point, and hung up the phone.

Driving A Taxi Is A Joint Enterprise

, , , , , | Right | August 10, 2018

(I’m the cab driver in this exchange. I have just picked up a well-dressed young man, actually only about seven years older than me, at the airport. He asks for a hotel downtown.)

Fare: “I’m a men’s clothing buyer for [Upscale Local Department Store].”

Me: “That must be interesting, with all the travel and such.”

(Small talk continues all the way downtown.)

Fare: “Could you turn the dome light on, please?

(It was a harmless enough request, so I obliged him. I heard him snap open his briefcase and the familiar sound of papers rustling. We arrived at his destination, and he mentioned that he travels on plastic, but he reached over the seat to give me a tip: A PERFECTLY ROLLED JOINT! I got off work at six am, and got off at home one hour later. You made my night and day, nice guy!)

Intelligence Is Relative

, , , , | Related | August 9, 2018

(I am sitting around with my brother and our two cousins who are brother and sister. We are cousins because our moms are sisters. Also, we are all between the ages of 17 and 20. The phone rings, so I answer it.)

Me: “[Brother], it’s for you.”

(My brother takes the phone from me and starts talking.)

Cousin #1: “Who’s he talking to?”

Me: “My Aunt [Not Her Mother].”

Cousin #1: “Is that your mom’s sister or your dad’s sister?”

Cousin #2: “[Cousin #1], think long and hard about who her mom’s sister is.”

Cousin #1: “Oh, yeah!”

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