Dropped That Sale

, , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I have just had a meeting at a coffeehouse inside a mall. I am walking back towards the entrance and am passing a phone accessory kiosk when the following happens.)

Kiosk Employee: *calling out* “Excuse me, miss?”

(I keep walking, assuming it’s a sales pitch. He calls after me again.)

Kiosk Employee: “Miss, you dropped something!”

(This is plausible, as I am rather clumsy and scatterbrained at times, so I stop.)

Me: “Thank you! What did I drop?”

Kiosk Employee: “Well, you didn’t actually drop anything just now, but if you had dropped your phone, wouldn’t you want a good case to protect it?”

Me: “Even if I didn’t already have one, I certainly wouldn’t be buying from you after that stunt!”

Do You Have The Balls To Take My Test?

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(Our accounting professor gave out weekly quizzes which he called “quizzees.”)

Student: *after the first “quizzee”* “If these are your quizzees, I don’t want to see your testees.”

(Cue laughter and embarrassment.)

Mail Order Disorder

, , , , , , , | Working | November 10, 2017

(I travel a lot and unfortunately have been getting sick a lot recently. I get a loud banging on my door, so I go check it and all I see is a pink slip from a delivery company that says, “vacant?” I go check my mail and there are three letters in there. A week later, I get the banging again and grab the door to see a postal worker standing there.)

Postal Worker: “You need to check your mail more! I thought you were vacant!”

Me: “I travel a lot, and I’ve recently been too sick to move. Usually I check it every other day.”

Postal Worker: “I don’t believe you! You have at least three weeks of mail piled up at the post office.”

Me: “Yeah, right. Also, you see that mezuzah on my door? Clear sign that it’s not vacant because Jews don’t leave a home without them. So, stop harassing me and give me the dumb slip so I can get my three weeks worth of junk mail!”

Postal Worker: “It’s in the mail box.” *he walks away*

Me: “No, it’s not! You were just writing it. I can see it in your hand!”

(No response.)

Me: “Fine! I’ll be there soon. I hope your coworkers got their flu shots!”

Your Waitstaff Know What You’re Saying

, , , , | Working | November 10, 2017

(I don’t exactly know why, but I have the ability to pick up languages. I can’t speak them well, but it’s not hard for me to figure out what people are talking about in any language. As a teenager, I work in a restaurant for some Albanians who always do the very mafia-type thing where they sit around smoking and drinking coffee for most of the day.)

Owner’s Friend: *in Albanian* “Girl, get me coffee!”

(I automatically go and fill their coffee. I am obviously zoned out in my own little world because, when I put the pot back and turn around, the owners, the friends, and the oldest son working at the time are staring at me, slack-jawed.)

Me: “What?”

Son: “What did he just say to you?”

Me: “’Get me coffee.’ He could say, ‘please,’ sometimes, you know.”

Son: “That wasn’t in English. What else have you understood?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

(From then on they made a game of telling me things or asking me to do things in Albanian to see if I understood or not. Turns out I could understand a lot, so coffee time happened less and less during my shifts, and most of the town thought I was one of the owner’s daughters. I just moved back into town after 15 years and people that remember me keep giving me condolences over the loss of my father.)

That’s Some A-Grade Opium

, , , , , , | Learning | November 8, 2017

In high school, I took a political theory class that was essentially a series of role-playing games. One of the first ones we did had each student as the ruler of a 100 mile square country, with our grades determined by our country’s economic status at the end of the game.

A group of five other students banded together to invade my country, leaving my country super poor. My solution? I legalized the growth and export of opium poppies. By the time the guys who had invaded my country figured it out, their economies were suffering due to rampant narcotic use. They threatened to take a ton of money from my country, but I told them I would make it illegal again.

While I did make opium poppies illegal again, I let the teacher know that I wasn’t going to enforce the law, so I avoided losing my country’s money while still making bank with the export of opium. Some of my classmates legalized medical narcotics in their countries, so I was also making money by exporting to them.

In the end, pretty much every country in the class had a ton of opium use. Mine was fairly mild, but all the classmates who had originally invaded my country had their economies ruined. I ended up regaining most of my lost grade and getting a B+ or A-, while they all got poor grades.

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