It’s Going To Be A Long Calendar Year

, , , , | Right | May 11, 2018

(I work at a fast food restaurant that gives out calendars during fall. Like most places, it is a “while supplies last” basis, so we only order a large batch once. One year we give away all the calendars really quickly, and no customers think of it twice, except for one. I am working the drive-thru, which is always busy, and one lady, who I will reference as the Calendar Lady from now on, gives me a hard time. She pulls up to the window after ordering.)

Calendar Lady: “Don’t you usually hand out calendars?”

Me: “Yes; however, we already handed them all out. The coupons in the calendars are in the newspapers, too, if you are looking for coupons.”

Calendar Lady: “But I always get calendars every year.”

Me: “Sorry, but the demand was high, so we already gave them all out.”

Calendar Lady: “I come here every week, and I didn’t see them.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Ma’am, they were displayed for the past few weeks.”

Calendar Lady: “How can that be? I never saw them. I get one every year.”

Me: *I don’t know what to do, or say* “Do you want to speak to the owner?”

Calendar Lady: “Yes, I would like that.”

(I turn around, and the manager is staring at me, so I tell her what’s going on. I then write down the restaurant’s phone number and give it to her.)

Me: “He’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

Calendar Lady: “Thank you. I’ll be sure to call.”

(She never did call the store. She came through again a year or so after and gave me a hard time about pricing changes when we add premium toppings on sundaes. I since quit working there, and I still get teased about the Calendar Lady.)

Consider Them “Aware”

, , , , , | Learning | May 11, 2018

(Because it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, my college has been having a number of related events. I’m sitting in the Veterans’ Lounge when one of the SAAM coordinators walks in, intending to inform us about an interestingly-named presentation/Q&A panel.)

Coordinator: “Hey, we’re having Sex In The Dark right now if you want to come. There’s snacks! Bye.”

(As soon as she left, everybody burst into laughter at how poorly-phrased her invitation was, but hey, at least it was memorable.)

Getting Them To Understand Is Like Pulling Teeth

, , , , | Healthy | May 8, 2018

When I was eight years old, my older sister’s school had an anti-drug campaign. She came home from school one day and lectured me to never, ever take drugs. I looked up to my sister, so I solemnly promised her I wouldn’t.

About a week later, my dad took me to the dentist to get some baby teeth pulled. I was alone in the room with the dentist while my dad was in the waiting room. The dentist told me he was giving me some analgesia. I asked what that meant, and he explained that it was a drug that would make me not feel any pain.

I told him, “No, no drugs,” and refused to let him near me with the analgesia. For some reason, he did not go out to the waiting room to confer with my dad. Instead, he went ahead and pulled three teeth from an eight-year-old girl without using analgesia or any pain relief.

After a few minutes of him pulling my teeth, the burglar alarm went off in the clinic. There was no break-in, though. Apparently, my screams of pain perfectly mimicked the sound of breaking glass, fooling the alarm system. We never went back to that clinic.

Like A Wet Yoyo

, , , , , , | Working | May 8, 2018

I worked at a popular fast food place for two years. One day, I was “asked” to come in on my day off and, not owning a car, biked twenty minutes there in the rain. Not even an hour after I got there, the rain turned into a storm. Wind knocked over a street lamp and it landed on the nearby power-lines, cutting the power to the entire side of the freeway our store was on. The backup generator only keeps the main register and freezer running; everything else, such as the second register, fry station, and meat slicer, were all shut down.

We had to put all of the cold stuff into the freezer and apologize to any customers who walked in, as we couldn’t make any food.

My boss got on the phone with the power company and learned it would take a while for someone to get out to fix the lines, so he sent three of us home, leaving just him and one other manager.

I had just arrived home, soaking wet, when I got a text from the manager saying that someone was already there to fix the lines, and the boss wanted me to come back before the dinner rush began.

I told her no.

Too Much Money, Too Little Restraint

, , , , | Right | May 1, 2018

(A customer pulls out a wad of $100s, $50s, and $20s to pay. Note: During this entire transaction he speaks with a monotone and has no facial expressions. I’m very animated and like to joke around with people.)

Customer: “I have too much money.”

Me: “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Customer: “Sometimes I think I need help spending it.”

Me: “Ha! I’ll take it. I need a new pair of work shoes!”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Actually, yeah. Look at these things. Ratty and the soles are broken.”

Customer: “Do you live in town?”

Me: “Yeah.”

(I begin to realize that he might not know I was joking about taking his money.)

Customer: “I’ll have to find you one of these days and take you out shopping.”

Me: “Who could say no to that?”

(After he leaves I mutter:)

Me: “I need to shut up. My chit-chat is going to land me dead in a ditch someday.”

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