Unfiltered Story #169557

, , | Unfiltered | October 10, 2019

(I was a loss prevention manager for a department store in a mall when I received a call from one of our Men’s Department sales associates.)

Associate: “Ummmm… There’s a guy in my fitting room who needs some help. I’m not sure what to do…”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Associate: “He… Ahhh… Um… Could you just please come over here?”

(I know this associate is pretty well, and it’s highly unlikely she would be calling us without good cause. If she felt uncomfortable telling me the nature of the problem over the phone, I had no doubt there was a valid reason.)

Me: “Someone will be right there.”

(I contact one of my officers via radio and ask him to head over to the department while I pull up the relevant cameras to monitor the situation from my office. A short time later I saw my officer speaking to the associate, then I watched him enter the fitting room. Thirty seconds later he steps back out onto the sales floor with a giant smirk on his face and he calls me back on the radio.)

Officer: “There’s a guy in here who suddenly felt like he had to pee. He… ummm… right now he’s got his thumb over his… (giggle) …his, uh… (giggle) …his pee hole. If he lets go, it’s not gonna be pretty…”

Me: “Huh?”

Officer: “He’s capping off the end of his d**k with his thumb. He can’t take it off without… I mean… he can’t exactly walk all the way through to store to the bathroom holding his d**k, ya know? What should we do?”

Me: “No way…”

Officer: “Way…”

Me: (Dumbfounded) “Is this, like, a little kid or something? Where are his parents?”

Officer: “No. The dude is at least in his twenties.”

Me: “I don’t…” (face palm) “How the hell should I know!?! Who the hell is so stupid they don’t know when they need to use the bathroom before it gets to that point?” (Wracking my poor astonished brain trying to figure out a solution.) “Ummm… maybe… how about you grab a couple bags from the register and double… no, TRIPLE bag them… have him p**s in that I guess…”

Officer: “Will do.”

(I see my officer grab three plastic shopping bags from under a nearby cash wrap, then head back into the fitting room. A few seconds later I see him come back out again and high tail it out of camera view, clamping his hand over his mouth in an obvious effort to keep himself from laughing out loud. Eight minutes later I see a young man in his twenties come out of the fitting room with a plastic shopping bag in his hand. The bag is knotted at the top, and it obviously contains at least a gallon of liquid. He walks straight out of the store into the mall, dumping the bag into a nearby garbage can before walking out of camera view.)

Me: (commenting to my officer over the radio) “When did this guy last take a piss? 1997?”

Officer: “You don’t pay me enough for this…”

Unfiltered Story #168990

, , | Unfiltered | October 7, 2019

(I work at a very popular fast food restaurant. Most of our sandwiches are pretty straight forward but there’s one that allows you to choose the patty. Unfortunately, this is a very common scene.)

Customer: Yeah, I’d like the [Sandwich] please.

Me: Sure, and would you like crispy chicken, grilled chicken, or beef on that?
Customer: ….I just want [Sandwich].

Me: *Internally facepalming* Yes, you get a choice between crispy chicken, grilled chicken, or beef for the patty on the [Sandwich].

Unfiltered Story #168422

, , | Unfiltered | September 28, 2019

*Our bar has a free pool table for our guests to play. On starting my shift I learn that apparently all the pool chalk had been stolen over the weekend. Most guests are perplexed but understanding about the situation (keeping in mind, the table is completely free to use), except for one guy*

Patron: Hey! Where’s the pool chalk?!
Me: I’m sorry, apparently it was all stolen.
Patron: What? Are you saying you don’t have any chalk?!
Me: No, apparently someone stole it all. It’s very odd.”

The guy makes a face but goes back to playing pool. I continue serving other guests. About 10 minutes late I hear him yelling at my coworker.

Patron: It’s ridiculous you don’t have any chalk! The only reason I came here was to play pool! And that asshole over there is acting like it’s no big deal!! He doesn’t even care there’s no chalk.
Me: (keeping calm and reasonable) Sir, I’m very sorry there’s no chalk, it just happened, someone stole it.”
Patron: Yeah I don’t like your attitude, you keeping saying that like we didn’t hear you the first time.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to explain the situation, and you keep asking about it. It just happened over the weekend.”
Patron: (still yelling)”So you’ve known about this for a while and didn’t tell anyone about it?! Inform your manager and stop acting like this no big deal, asshole. You go to the store and spend $5 on some goddamn chalk for the $9,000 pool table!
Me:(amused at the guy’s over the top anger) Will do, sir.

Apparently this guy thought it was my personal duty to go out and buy more chalk the instant I hear about a freak situation. Me and my coworker decide to play “good bartender/bad bartender” on him. She eventually convinces him to order enough food and drink to run up a $300 tab, which he then tips her a $100 on. I never spoke to him again and pretended to be scared of him (although I could barely contain my laughter every time he glared at me). We split the tip and used it to buy ourselves drinks.

Well, It’s Tuesday Afternoon Somewhere!

, , , , | Right | September 27, 2019

(I work at a restaurant that has just sent out coupons in the mail. The only reason I know these coupons exist is because I have gotten some in the mail myself. The coupons say clearly, in large print, “Only usable Monday through Friday, 8:00 am to 1:00 pm.” These are our slowest times so I guess the owner is trying to make those times more appealing. One Saturday night, — SATURDAY NIGHT — the following phone call takes place at this restaurant.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hello. Thanks for calling [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. My family and I were thinking about coming to your place tonight for dinner. We just got coupons in the mail, and I wanted to make sure that we were going to be able to use them.”

Me: “Do they say they’re only usable Monday through Friday, 8:00 am to 1:00 pm?”

Caller: *hesitantly* “Yes.”

Me: “Then… No?”

(Then, he hung up on me.)

Me: “Good talk!”

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Unfiltered Story #167677

, , | Unfiltered | September 25, 2019

(I work in an office that serves a lot of clients, and one of my jobs is to collect documents from them. A coworker comes up to me with a small stack of papers.)

Coworker: Hey, [my name], was it you who talked to [client] today?

Me: Yes, why?

Coworker: He faxed in some documents. Looks like about seven pages.

(Note,:I had had some issues the past week with people not sending in documents they had promised me, so it makes me happy that this client actually sent them in.)

Me: Great! Yeah, I can take them. Thanks.

(I take the documents, look over them, and immediately burst out laughing.)

Coworker: What?

Me: It’s a seven page document all right…but he sent me seven copies of page one.

(We laughed about that one for days. The client did eventually send in the complete document about a week later.)