Meeting Aunt Petunia

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2018

(I live in downtown, about two blocks away from our county fairgrounds. It’s Saturday night during a fair, and I have my windows open to let in the cooler air. I’m watching a Harry Potter movie. With my window open, you can see the television from the street. There’s a knock on my door. I open it to see a boy of about ten standing there.)

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Boy: “I want to watch the movie! Mom says to stay here while she goes out.”

Me: “Sorry, kid. I don’t know you. You need to go back to your mom.”

Boy: *pouts but leaves*

(Ten minutes later, there’s a pounding on my door.)

Mom: “I TOLD HIM HE COULD WATCH YOUR MOVIE! Just let him hang out here while I visit the bars! It’ll only be a couple hours.”

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you people, and you don’t know me. How do you know I’m not a child sex offender? If you want a free babysitter, call a friend or family member.”

Mom: “NO! It’s tourist season, and you all have to make us feel at home! Now, do your part and let him in!”

Me: “Yeah… No. Get out of here before I take your picture and send it to the cops. We’re a small town. They love hearing about neglected kids.”

(She scowled at me but finally left. The boy was still whining about wanting to watch my movie. There a lot of sickos out there, people! Keep an eye on your kids during big events.)

There Was No Elephant In The Room

, , , , , , | Related | March 31, 2018

My family went to visit a museum devoted to the American Civil War. One of their features is a 360-degree movie reenactment of Union soldiers heading to and experiencing their first battle. The movie is entitled, “Seeing the Elephant,” after a contemporary metaphor that war, like an elephant, is something you have to see to really understand; in other words it is beyond description.

After the lights came back on, my five-year-old cried loudly, “But there was no elephant!”

Several other patrons hid their smiles and kindly agreed with her that, yes, the lack of elephants was certainly disappointing.

Unfiltered Story #108136

, , | Unfiltered | March 28, 2018

(I was sitting down in a booth at the restaurant​, waiting for my food, when suddenly I felt a hand running through my hair! I jerked up, looking at the divider the hand was reaching over, and a woman popped up over the divider, with a big grin on her face.)

Woman: Hey ther…

(When she saw me she froze, her face shifting to a grimace of shock. She stood up a bit, looked into the booth next to mine, then back at me, before she sunk out of sight, followed by the other people bursting out laughing. I chuckled myself once I got over my shock at the unexpected touch.)

Too Chicken To Enjoy The Shrimp

, , , , , , | Related | March 23, 2018

(My dad, sister, and I are carpooling on a road trip to a family gathering, when we have to make a stop at a large superstore. The delis at this chain do this new thing where you can get a to-go cup of popcorn chicken or popcorn shrimp. We are hungry, so we decide to do it. Normally, I jump at the chance to get shrimp, but for whatever reason, as soon as I see them, I am in the mood for chicken. I’m hesitating and trying to make a decision, and I notice that both my dad and my sister have grabbed a shrimp.)

Me: “Oh, perfect, because I’m really feeling the chicken. If you’re both getting shrimp, I can get the chicken and have a few pieces of your shrimp and you guys can have some chicken.”

(We are ahead of schedule, so we just sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to eat. My dad and I are in the front seats. My sister is in the back and doesn’t want to share and doesn’t want chicken. She’s not as generous with her food as the rest of the family, whereas everyone else will eat off each other’s plates without even thinking. We are now on the second time my dad and I have swapped cups.)

Dad: “You know, I think I like the chicken better.”

Me: “Same.” *as I pop another piece of shrimp in my mouth* “But, you know, shrimp.”

Dad: *starts laughing* “It sucks, but, you know, it’s shrimp, so it’s a good suck!” *trying to mock me*

Me: “Exactly.”

Dad: “EMBRACE THE SUCK!”

Sister: “You guys are morons.”

Sorry Isn’t A Flavor

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2018

(I am the bad customer in this story.)

Me: “I’ll have a… How about a… small chocolate ice cream with… No, sorry. A small ice cream with the flavour of the day with, uh… brownie pieces… Wait! No. Mint candies… and… No. Sorry… I must be really annoying right now.”

Cashier: “Take your time. I press one button to remove things.”

(It took two more minutes for me to decide. I thanked him ten times before leaving.)

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