This Stuff Sways In The Family

, , , , | Related | November 28, 2017

(My entire family has managed to come down with something all at the same time. With Mom, it manifests as a mild head cold, but my Dad and I are both dizzy on top of that. Several years ago, I had 18 months of near-constant vertigo, and got used to working around it. This dizziness is a lot milder, so it slows me down but isn’t severe enough to stop me from doing little things, like getting a drink or taking care of my pets. This happens while I’m making my wobbly way to the sofa. Dad is sitting in the room, watching me.)

Me: “We’re quite a pair today, aren’t we?”

Dad: “What’s that they say? ‘The family that sways together, stays together.’?”

Has To Be Some Kind Of Record

, , | Healthy | November 25, 2017

Customer: “I need my birth record in order to request a new Social Security card, because I don’t have a copy of my birth certificate.”

(This is a fairly common request, so I nod as I look over his Release of Information to make sure all the fields have been completed. Before I get to the end, he adds:)

Customer: “I wasn’t actually born at this hospital. Does that matter?”

(Yes, it matters. He left empty-handed.)

Missed Calls Means Missed Meals

, , , , , | Right | November 24, 2017

(I am a delivery driver for a restaurant.)

Me: *calling customer but no response* “Hi, this is [My Name] with [Restaurant]. I am having difficulty finding your house, so if you could call me back, that’d be great. Thanks.”

(An hour goes by, and I call my manager because the customer won’t pick up his phone. Now my manager and I are both calling.)

Manager: *finally gets through* “Hi, my driver is having difficulty finding your location.”

Customer: “Yeah, I see the thirty missed calls and two voicemails. We’re supposed to be eating now; why aren’t they here yet?”

Manager: “I’m sorry. The driver had a difficult time finding your address.”

Sprinkling A Few Hints Around The Office

, , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I’m queer. I don’t hide it from my coworkers, but sometimes I have to openly state it before they realize otherwise. Currently, I’m working in the kitchen and frosting donuts for the next morning.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], do we have any more rainbow sprinkles?”

Coworker: “I don’t think so. What we have on that shelf is what we’ve got.”

Me: “D***, how am I going to make these donuts as gay as I want without rainbow sprinkles?”

Coworker: “Now, [My Name], that’s not the right word to use.”

Me: *after a pause* “These donuts are now gay. Just like me.”

Coworker: “Oh!”

(We then had a nice chat where he told me all about his awesome, butch aunt.)

Your Realization Skills Are Out Of Gas

, , , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(I’m in college, coming back from a cross-country meet with my teammates. Our school is small, so we take two mini-buses and have our coach and assistant coach drive them. I’m on the bus with our assistant coach, only about five minutes away from home, when we run out of gas. We pull over to the side of the road and try to call our coach and his wife. Another truck pulls over and my assistant coach goes to talk to the driver.)

Assistant Coach: “Thanks for stopping; we have a bit of a problem, here!”

Truck Driver: “Hey, do you know what time the cafeteria closes at [Other College in our town]?”

Assistant Coach: “Uh, no. We’re actually from [College], but we’re kind of out of gas.”

Truck Driver: “Oh, yeah? I’m running a bit low, too. Thanks, anyway.” *drives away*

(Eventually, our coach’s wife did bring us some gas. I still wonder if that guy eventually realized we were asking him for help.)

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