Doesn’t Give A Truck

| AB, Canada | Working | October 4, 2016

Coworker: “You’re in big trouble!”

Me: “Oh? How so?”

Coworker: “Because you left all the tools in the company truck!”

Me: “So? We’ve got another job in two days. Policy states that it’s perfectly fine to leave the equipment in the truck when you’ve got jobs that close together.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: “Yup. Why? What happened?”

Coworker: “Well, someone took the company truck out to visit clients yesterday, and when they got back, they left the windows rolled down. Someone could have stolen everything!”

Me: “Well, wasn’t me. They were rolled up when I finished that job on the weekend. Who took it out to visit clients?”

Coworker: *pregnant pause* “Me.”

Me: “You’re the one you took the truck out?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Me: “So you’re the one who left the windows rolled down overnight.”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Me: “So whose fault would it have been if everything was stolen out of the truck?”

Coworker: “YOURS, because you’re supposed to empty the truck after a job!”

Me: *annoyed sigh*

Coworker: “I’ll cover for you this time, but next time, you empty the truck!”

Contracting Confusion

| Leiden, The Netherlands | Working | June 2, 2015

(The phone rings and the caller ID shows it is a number from the other side of the country.)

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Contractor]. I’m calling for your quote for the repainting of the outside of your house.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong number.”

Caller: *speaking slowly and clear like you would do to a two-year-old* “This is [Contractor]. I. Am. Calling. For. Your. Quote.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said you must have dialed the wrong number; I haven’t contacted any contractor.”

Caller: *sounding slightly desperate* “You don’t understand. This is [Contractor]. I’m calling regarding the repainting of your house.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m in a town about three hours from [Contractor’s Location], and I couldn’t possibly have my house’s outside wall repainted as I live in an apartment. I’m afraid you must have dialed the wrong number.”

Caller: *sounding close to tears* “BUT MY SON GAVE ME THIS NUMBER!”

Me: “Well, probably he gave you a wrong number.”

Caller: “But… my son gave me this number… My son gave me this number.”

Me: “I wish you a nice day. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

(I stood there dumbfounded. Luckily she never called back.)

Fear Not The Magic Of The Lightning Guild

| FL, USA | Working | May 13, 2015

(I am having some work done in my house when a new worker shows up, surprising me since I thought I knew everyone and the head contractor had not told me new people were showing up.)

Man: “Fear not my magics, fair maiden. I am a servant of peace! I am the one they call the Ender of all that is Dark! The vile forces of the water dwellers have rendered my brother unable to continue the tasks unsigned to him by the leader of our order.”

Me: “I- uh… what?”

Man: *laughs heartily* “I’m the new electrician; [Name] got some bad sushi last night, so our boss called me in to finish the job.”

Me: *bursts out laughing* “Oh, my god, that is the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

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You’ve Got An Honest Signature

| | Right | December 31, 2008

(One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

Me: “Ha – Ok…”

Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

Me: “That’s…good?”

(By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

Me: “Um…that’s too bad.”

Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the F*** out of my basement!”

Me: “…”

Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

Me: “Um…no.”

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Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently

| | Right | June 20, 2008

(My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.)

Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.”

Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?”

Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!”

Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ”

Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.”

Him: “Is it running hot?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?”

Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!”

(She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.)

Him: “Hello?”

Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…”

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