(At the drive-thru one day, a car with three young men in it orders a single large drink. I rather suspect what’s about to happen, so I’m ready. Sure enough, it’s the “fire in the hole” prank. I reach both hands out the window and neatly catch the cup.)

Me: “For me? Thank you! I could use a drink, and this is my favorite one.” 

(Cue surprised looks from the men in the car.)

Driver: “How did you…?”

Me: “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

(They drove off, and I enjoyed my free drink.)

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(My grandma is telling me about how she and her sister are planning on a cruise through the Panama Canal.)

Grandma: “I wanted your grandpa to come with us, but he didn’t want to go.”

Grandpa: *not even looking up from his dinner* “I’ve already been there.”

Grandma: “Honey, I keep telling you, I think this would be different from training for Vietnam!”

(My manager answers the headset in the drive-thru and the customer requests:)

Customer: “Two apple pies.”

Manager: “It will be about seven minutes to make the pie since we have none up; is that all right?”

(Instead of answering her, he drives on ahead. We think he’s just going to leave and don’t drop any pies. As soon as I hand out my order, though, he pulls up to the window and acts as if nothing happened.)

Me: “You didn’t say anything, so we assumed you left and didn’t want to wait. Would you like to wait seven minutes?”

(He mumbled something and drove off without paying. I helped the next few people and we started taking care of our chores. Then, I noticed that the man’s car was out in the spot where we have people park when they’re waiting on their food. He stayed there for a good ten minutes before BACKING UP INTO THE DRIVE-THRU. Thankfully, before he went too far, my manager went out and asked him what he wanted. Apparently, the day before he had to wait a little while on pies and the general manager had told him that he could get them for free next time. Nowhere in the conversation did he mention that fact, or much of anything else. Fast food workers. Can’t. Read. Minds.)

(I work in a fairly busy eye clinic. Despite having eleven doctors, spots for our regular eye exams are booked out months in advance. However, we keep emergency spots open for any patients that need to be seen immediately. Note that it’s also Christmas time, one of our busiest times of year because people have met their deductibles and want to be seen before the end of the year. I’m looking at the schedule one day and see a name I recognize. It’s a woman who’s called in several times wanting a regular eye exam with one and only one particular doctor, who happens to be the most popular doctor at our practice, whose schedule is the hardest to get into. But I see she’s coming in for an emergency situation, while said doctor is in the office, which should only take maybe half an hour — our regular eye exam patients are usually there for an hour and a half. Lucky me, I get her chart when she comes in. I walk her back to the exam room.)

Me: “So, what brings you in today? My note line states you’re having some new flashes and floaters?”

(We take these very seriously as they can mean a retinal detachment.)

Patient: “Oh, no, nothing like that. I just told them that because I knew I could get in. I just want my regular eye exam. You have to help me now that I’m here.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “One moment, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the room to talk to my doctor. She already has a completely booked schedule for the day and adding the extra testing would set her behind for all the other patients who had a legitimate appointment. Unfortunately, my doctor is also a super nice woman who tells me to go ahead and do the exam. I do the exam but inform the patient it will be a long wait due to the change in exam type because we now have different things we have to do and she’ll be placed in the wait box behind other patients who are already there — there were about three people in front of her. She says it’s fine and goes to wait in the waiting area. Ten minutes into waiting, she comes up to me complaining she still hasn’t seen the doctor yet. I tell her she will be seen as soon as it’s her turn. Apparently, that’s not good enough for her.)

Patient: “You dumb b****! I’m here for an emergency! I should be seen before all these people!”

Me: “Ma’am? You told me earlier you’re here for a regular eye exam, not the emergency you told them so you could be seen. My doctor was kind enough to let you stay in the schedule despite this. She will get to you as soon as she can.”

Patient: “That’s not my f****** problem. She needs to see me now!”

(My doctor heard the commotion as she was stepping out of her current exam room. She told me to just bring the patient in and she’d see her so she’d stop bothering everyone. The lady gave me a smug smile as she walked into the exam room. I hate when they reward bad behavior. Of course, that left me in a room with other patients who had actually been waiting their turns, glaring at me.)

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(We write and service policies for just one insurance company, which is included in our business name.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [My Agency]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling for [Competing Insurance Company]; please connect me.”

Me: “You’ve called [My Agency]. Do you have a policy with us, or may I provide you with a quote?”

Caller: “No, my business is with [Competing Insurance Company]. Put them on the line.”

Me: “I can only assist customers of [My Agency]. I have no way to connect you.”

Caller: “No, that’s not true and you know it. Put me through to [Competing Insurance Company].”

Me: “I don’t have the ability to transfer you to any numbers outside of [My Agency]. You’ll need to call [Competing Insurance Company] directly.”

Caller: “I don’t have their number; I only have yours.”

Me: “As I’ve stated, I can only assist our own customers. As a courtesy, I’ve found the number for [Competing Insurance Company] for you. Please get a pen or pencil and paper so you can write the number down.”

Caller: “I’m not writing anything down, because you’ll call that number yourself and transfer me as I’ve requested. I know [Competing Insurance Company], [Another Competitor], and [My Agency] are the same, doing business under different names. If you won’t help me, I’m cancelling my policy with [Competing Insurance Company]! Either transfer me now or cancel my policy!”

Me: “I can do neither. I’ll be disconnecting this call now; please don’t call again, as no one here can assist you.”

Caller: *as I hit the button to hang up* “F****** b****!”

(I was a bit surprised when she didn’t call back!)