There Is Norway You’re British

, , , , , | Right | December 16, 2017

(I am from the UK, and work in a theme park which has a number of different countries represented around a lagoon. My name badge says my hometown and “England,” I have a heavy British accent, and there is British theming all around.)

Guest: “So, where in Norway are you from?”

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, , , | Working | December 16, 2017

(My family and I just recently moved from Virginia to Hawaii, which means a six hour time difference. Lately I’ve been getting calls from my old area code and they’re never the same number twice. I assume they are telemarketers since they never leave a voicemail. I haven’t been able to answer one because they also call between four and six am. This morning the ringing wakes me up.)

Caller: “Hello! I’m looking for Apollo [Last Name]; is he available?”

Me: “…that’s my dog’s name.”

(I got another call about an hour later but I slept through it again. I looked the numbers up and each one is for a different home realtor office and we do have our house for sale. How they got my dog’s name, I’m not sure.)

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Their Relationship Literally Survived Some Bumps In The Road

, , , , | Romantic | December 16, 2017

(My husband has called me back from work because he is excruciating pain. By the time I get home, I can’t find him. I finally track him down in the bathroom, hugging the toilet while expunging his insides. I’m really, really scared at this point because he does not act like this, ever! I finally get him into the car and drive to the emergency room. His pain is increasing and he’s still vomiting. I get to the hospital and am watching for signs that point to the emergency room. Remember, I have never driven anyone to the hospital before, and I am freaking out!)

Husband: “Watch out for the speed bump.”

Me: “I see it; it’s fine.”  

(It was not fine. I hit all five speed bumps too fast, and unevenly, making us rock back and forth, causing my husband to cry out in pain, but I got him into the emergency room. It turned out he had a kidney stone. While laying in bed, he turned to me and told me I was never to drive him to the emergency room again.)

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Stamping Out This Scam

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2017

Customer: “I have a full stamp card here; I’d like my free sandwich today.”

Coworker: “Oh, all right! Sounds good! Let me just ring up your chips and drink.”

Customer: “Fine.”

Coworker: “Can I please have your stamp card?”

Customer: “No.”

Coworker: “Oh, so, you… don’t want to use your free sandwich today?”

Customer: “No, I do. But I was told by one of the other girls that I could keep the card. You must be new.”

Coworker: *who has worked there for almost seven months* “Uh… but we can’t give you the free sandwich without taking the full card.”

Customer: “I want my free sandwich!”

Coworker: *to me* “I can get a second opinion, if you like?”

Me: *to customer* “Yeah, I’m so sorry, but we can’t give you your free sandwich without taking the full stamp card. If we let people keep their cards, they could just come back another day and get another free sandwich.”

(I don’t actually say “stealing” because I don’t want to offend her, but it’s obvious what she is trying to pull.)

Customer: *obviously very annoyed* “That doesn’t make any sense. I want my free sandwich, now! And you had better fill my soup cup up all the way this time!”

Coworker: *managing a smile* “Yes, of course, ma’am; let me just finish ringing you up.” *physically pries the stamp card from the lady’s fingers*

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The Lightbulb Moment That Never Came

, , , , , , | Related | December 16, 2017

My mother-in-law-to-be is very sweet, but is hopelessly clueless about some things. For example, she thinks that a thief can access your bank account if they find your receipt for something you bought, and she thinks she finds “shortcuts” when driving that actually make the trip twice as long.

Recently, my fiancé and I went on a weekend vacation and asked her to house sit and feed our cats. I realized that I’d left a light on that I didn’t mean to, and told my fiancé to ask her to turn if off next time she visited. Big mistake.

He texted her with this request, she said she would turn the light off when she stopped by our house next, and we went about our vacation. Later, my fiancé noticed several missed calls from his mother and finally a text:

“I’ve been here for over an hour, and I can’t figure out how to turn the light off!”

We were baffled, as it was a small, simple box lamp with a switch on the back and a cord going into the wall. Nothing more, nothing less. He called her, but she said she’d already left our house. “She was there for… an hour?” I asked, incredulous at the thought that something as simple as locating a switch on a small object was so daunting. He rolled his eyes and tried to explain to her how to turn it off when she next returned.

On her next trip, she still couldn’t figure it out. So, the lamp remained on all weekend, and when I next saw her, she complained about how it was just impossible to turn off. I still have yet to understand how a box with a switch was so perplexing… and why she didn’t just unplug it.

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