I used to work with a former Marine officer, [Supervisor]. She was, shall we say, very plain-spoken. Our employer made billing software for a number of large international firms, and at the time, [Supervisor] was the night shift supervisor for the operations center.

One of the DBAs (Database Administrators) working there had developed a reputation for doing as little work as possible, passing the buck, etc. I was within earshot one day when the direct-line manager of this particular employee called [Supervisor] to discuss the problem child after a particularly egregious bit of indolence on his part.

Manager: “So, [Supervisor], I wanted to talk to you today to discuss what we should do about [Worthless DBA].”

Supervisor: *Bluntly* “Does it involve staking him out over an anthill with honey smeared on his genitalia?”

It was a good thing I wasn’t drinking coffee at the time.

My boyfriend and I are on vacation for a week, staying at a hotel on the beach.

Boyfriend: “What do you want to do today?”

Me: “We can go to the beach.”

Boyfriend: “It’s gonna be too hot out there.”

Me: “There’s [Amusement Park].”

Boyfriend: “Too expensive. And probably super crowded!”

Me: “The mall?”

Boyfriend: “We have a mall back home! I want to do something fun and different.”

Me: “Okay, there’s the aquarium, the zoo, or the nature reserve. We can go—”

Boyfriend: “No, they all sound stupid.”

Me: “Okay, well, you figure out what you want to do. I’m going to the lobby for breakfast.”

Boyfriend: “Can you bring me—”

I walk out, angry. When I get back upstairs, I find him sitting in bed watching racing.

Me: “This is what you want to do today?”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t offer up anything else, so yeah, I guess this is what I’m doing.”

Me: “I offered several things and you turned them all down.”

Boyfriend: “You offered stupid things.”

I walk out again and go to the beach by myself. We repeat variations of this song and dance every day that week until it is time to go home.

Boyfriend: “What a boring vacation. We could have done the same thing at home and not paid for the hotel.”

Me: “Yes, we could have. “

Boyfriend: “Why didn’t we go anywhere fun? I swear, we just stayed in the hotel room all week.”

Me: “You did. I went to the beach and the zoo and shopping.”

Boyfriend: “So, basically, you spent a bunch of money and left me alone.”

Me: “Yup. Best vacation ever.”

We broke up when we got home. I’m pretty sure he still blames me for having such a boring vacation.

A customer walks into our home improvement store with a moderate-sized dog on a leash. Dogs are not allowed in the store, mainly because of safety issues for customers as well as employees. Basically, we don’t want them knocking something over or getting in the way of a forklift. But our management lacks some backbone, so they let that sort of thing go.

This guy comes up to me about five minutes after walking in.

Customer: “Do you have a plastic bag?”

Me: “What size?”

Customer: “Well, it’s because my dog took a dump on the floor.”

Me: “Sure.”

I make a guess at the right size and hand him the bag. He just looks at me.

Customer: “Well, I’m not picking it up; it’s not my store.”

After stating that I am going to get management involved if he doesn’t pick it up and showing him the no-pet policy, he still puts up a fight.

Fast forward a couple of minutes, and he is screaming at our manager about the no-pet policy. A couple of minutes after that, the police show up. After a short exchange, he is cited with a fine for refusing to pick up after his own dog as well as not following the no-pet policy after it was explained.

When the police officer asks me to hand the customer a bag, I find one that has a couple of somewhat sizable holes in it. To my delight, he snatches the bag away from me without looking at it. He ends up walking out of the store asking for paper towels to wipe his hands with, to which my manager says:

Manager: “Sorry, this isn’t your store.”

While working at a hardware store, I see my manager and a little old lady having a conversation an aisle over.

Manager: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I hope so. You’re all out of my size of air filter!”

Manager: “Which size was that ma’am?”

Customer: “Ten by twenty.”

Manager: “Let me see here… Here you go.” 

He looks around the shelf and hands the lady a 20″-by-10″ air filter.

Customer: “I said I need a ten by twenty!”

My manager kept quiet. He took back the air filter, held it out in front of him, rotated it ninety degrees, and handed it back to the customer with a s***-eating grin.

The lady left in silence with the 20″-by-10″.

I’m on the phone with a financial officer talking about money.

Me: *Shouting to the background* “No barking while I’m on the phone!“

Loan Officer: “Oh, I know how it is. My cat’s the same way.“

Me: “I don’t even have any pets. That’s my kid.“