Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes

, , | | Right | July 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Hey, Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”

Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”

Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”

Customer: “Oh… So, you’re one of them human peoples?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I am a human peoples.”

1 Thumbs
7,824
VOTES

As The Checkout Line Churns

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [Name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking; we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh… I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [Brother]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [Mom]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [Estranged Father]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you. I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they are watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God… Please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [My Stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me: *to Boss* “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

1 Thumbs
18,912
VOTES

Becoming Familiar With Fiber

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2009

(My dad is standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him is a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly has several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old Man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old Man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

1 Thumbs
9,755
VOTES

A Double-Edged Flat Screen

, | | Right | June 4, 2009

Customer: “You have to help me; I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Calm down, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

Customer: “No. It works perfectly. That’s the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar; all his friends come over to watch TV until three am and I can’t get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother’s crystal vase, and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

Me: “Well, you know, ma’am, you could always turn the tables.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

(The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

Me: “Just over there.”

Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

(I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

1 Thumbs
8,978
VOTES

Pinheaded, Part 2

, , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

 

1 Thumbs
10,905
VOTES
Page 1,283/1,311First...1,2811,2821,2831,2841,285...Last
« Previous
Next »