(In year-seven Spanish, our teacher is going through the translations of family members.)

Teacher: “Padre means father, dad, or daddy.”

Student: *out loud* “The Internet has ruined the word ‘daddy’.”

(Living in Portland, my job has had a massive influx of people trying to get a better look at the 2017 solar eclipse. Most have come very early to avoid traffic, and many are trying to find something to do while they wait. Two days before the eclipse, I have this interaction:)

Me: “Hi, do you have [rewards card]?”

Customer: “No, we’re just in town for the week. You know, the eclipse. Do you like bouncy balls?”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

Customer: “Well, here’s a bouncy ball I had left over.” *holds up a bouncy ball*

Me: “Ah, thanks.”

Customer: “But in exchange, you have to tell me the name of the best strip club in town.”

Me: “…Uh, dunno.”

Customer: “They all that bad?”

Me: “No, that’s just not my thing.”

Customer: “So… you’re…?”

Me: “Nope. Straight.”

Customer: “…So, then—”

Me: “Here’s your receipt, sir, have a nice day.”

(My family is eating dinner when a thunderstorm blows up. My dad, who had been wanting to water the grass under some trees, gets up to look at the rain.)

Dad: “It’s finally getting hard enough and long enough to get the yard wet.”

(My sister and I hid our snickers so he wouldn’t notice.)

(My sister works at a pub while at university. She is also gay and usually wears a t-shirt that says, “Don’t bother. I’m mad for gyno,” on it when she works. This night she isn’t, though. I am waiting with her girlfriend for her shift to end. There has been a guy pestering her for the majority of the time we’ve been waiting. She takes his last order before she finishes, and makes a disgusted noise before going to get his drink. She also motions to us to get ready. When she comes back, the guy stands up and drops his trousers and underwear. The entire pub goes silent and some of the male regulars stand.)

Customer: “So, sweetheart, good enough for you and your [slur] friend?”

Sister: *glaring at his crotch* “Mate, if you think that could satisfy even one p****, then I’ve got some bad news.”

(The entire pub laughs, and the guy pulls his trousers up and sprints out, as a couple of the regulars follow. My sister grabs her things and meets us.)

Girlfriend: “Do you need to phone the police or anything?”

Sister: “Oh, I don’t bother. The guys [regulars] will make sure he’ll never come back.”

Me: “Does it happen a lot?”

Sister: “Every now and again. For some reason, drunks seem to think because I’m gay that I’ve never seen a penis, and that somehow seeing theirs will magically make me want to have sex, AND include my girlfriend. I just insult it and call it a day.”

This story is part of the Pride Month 2023 roundup!

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(We have rented a four bedroom house, but I have found that a couple of the rooms have a damp problem, so I have put my five-year-old daughter and two-year-old son into the same bedroom. I am discussing how damp the rooms are with a couple of the mothers at the school.)

Me: “I’ve had to put the kids into the same bedroom, because it’s the only dry room”

Mother #1: “You have a boy and girl don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, [Daughter] and [Son].”

Mother #1: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “What is?”

Mother #1: “Putting a girl and boy in the same bedroom, it’s disgusting.”

Mother #2: “What’s so disgusting about it?”

Mother #1: “It’s not natural, they could do things.”

Me: “They are two and five years old. There’s nothing wrong with it; they aren’t going to do anything.”

Mother #1: “You are just encouraging incest. You’re disgusting; I don’t want to be around you.” *walks off, leaving the other mother and I just staring after her, stunned*

Mother #2: “I’m glad I didn’t mention that my daughter always jumps in the bath with my sons.”

Me: “Me, too.”