I work at the front desk of a hotel. The hotel is pretty upscale and sits on a marina. A happy couple checked in the night before their wedding, and I just knew they’d be a handful, but I still seriously underestimated them.

On the first night (wedding eve), they kept calling for maintenance because they couldn’t get the fireplace to turn on or the jets in the tub to work. (It turned out that the trick was to press “on”.) Then, the complaints of loud sex start rolling in, followed by complaints of heated arguing.

We all survived night one. The wedding day was here. They got married on a boat with mainly the groom’s family on board. The bride got so drunk that they literally ditched her a** at the marina. One of the dock hands found her, eighties dress and all, wandering the boat slips.

We sent security to help her, but they couldn’t find her. While they were searching, she stumbled into the lobby bare-footed, losing her s***, grabbing every guest who had the misfortune of walking by, and sobbing to them. She nearly ruined a guest’s Versace suit crying on his arm (unsolicited and very awkwardly). Luckily, he was a good sport.

Before security could make it back, the groom showed up. They proceed to have a public argument and make-up (with plenty of PDA) for all to see.

Security finally rescued me and got them to their room. The last of the fun was more noise complaints of loud sex and arguing. Security pretty much had to set up camp on their floor.

I’m sure they’re still happily married to this day.

I used to have a coworker who was a nice lady but a little naïve and sometimes slow on the uptake. One morning, I came into work yawning.

Me: “I didn’t sleep well last night. [Husband] was snoring, and it kept me awake.”

Coworker: “Was he lying on his back? That often causes snoring.”

Me: “Yes.”

Coworker: “Then there’s a simple solution to that. Just attach something to the back of his pyjamas, like a tennis ball. That way, when he tries to flip onto his back, it’ll be uncomfortable.”

Me: “Uh… thanks, [Coworker].”

She noticed my hesitation and got a little defensive.

Coworker: “Seriously! My mum did that to my dad. Problem solved! Why don’t you want to try it?”

Me: “It won’t work for my husband.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

I was thinking, “Why did I start this conversation?”

Me: “He, um, doesn’t wear pyjamas.”

Coworker: “Huh? Everyone wears pyjamas!”

Me: “He doesn’t.”

Neither do I, but I wasn’t about to say that.

Coworker: *Uncomprehending* “I don’t understand. If he doesn’t wear pyjamas to bed, what does he wear?”

Me: “…”

Comprehension finally dawned. She went beet-red and changed the subject.

One week later:

Coworker: “You seem tired today.”

Me: “Yeah, my husband was snoring again.”

Coworker: “I bet he was sleeping on his back. You know what you should do? Attach something to the back of his pyjamas, like a tennis ball!”

Me: *Sighs*

When I was in college, I worked in food service at a famous theme park that revolved around a particular mouse mascot. Back then, there was an annual event called “Night Of Joy”. Officially, it was an event where the park was closed early to the public, and Christian schools from all over came to the park for a mixture of fun and Christian music. 

In reality, it was just a bunch of horny teenagers running around banging in the darkest corners they could find in the happiest place on earth.

A coworker came up to me and just sighed.

Me: “That bad?”

Coworker: “It’s gotten to the point where [a certain dark and slow ride] had to be closed. The teens figured out it’s an eight-minute intimate, unsupervised ride.”

Me: “Well… I found a condom!”

Coworker: “Oh, my God! Gross! Have you called Custodial to come and remove it?”

Me: “I tried, but since they’re so occupied, they told me to wait. So, now, I have to babysit a condom under my table for the next twenty-five minutes while the organizers keep coming up to me commenting on how nice the park is now that the ‘worldly’ heathens aren’t around to ruin it.”

Coworker: “I’ll pray for both of us.”

My wife used to be a flight attendant. One of her passengers was an elderly man who spoke broken English. He kept pressing the flight attendant call button during take-off, but obviously, for safety reasons, no one could attend to that until the take-off procedure was complete.

When it was done, my wife headed straight for this passenger.

Passenger: “Excuse me, miss. For ten minutes, I have been fingering the stewardess, and still she has not come.”

It’s late evening, and a woman comes into our lobby from the pool with three children and gestures angrily to the pool area.

Woman: “You guys need to do something about what’s going on out there!”

I look at her inquisitively.

Woman: “Go look; you’ll see.”

I walk outside, and it’s pretty immediately clear a couple in the hot tub are “discreetly” having sex.

I approach just enough to get their attention. 

Me: “Hi, guys. I know everyone’s here to have a good time tonight, but we got a complaint about some hot and heavy activity in the hot tub.”

They’re clearly intoxicated, but they apologize and say it will stop.

A few minutes later, the phone rings. It’s the woman who complained before, calling from her room which faces the pool.

Woman: “They’re still at it. You need to do something. Children are staying in this hotel!”

I go back outside and, sure enough, now that the spectators are gone, the couple is f****** it out in the hot tub.

I go back out and tell them to get out. They start giving me the story.

Guest: “It’s our anniversary! We’re very sorry. You won’t have any more problems with us!”

I foolishly let them stay in the hot tub. Ten minutes later, the phone rings.

Woman: “Seriously?!”

It’s the same lady. I look out the window; both guests in the hot tub totally naked.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve warned them. I’m calling the police.” 

The police arrive and head out to the pool. The officer handles it like a pro. He’s very nice, and he lets them know that it’s inappropriate. He doesn’t want to ruin what’s clearly a fun weekend for them both, but they need to go to their room and not come out for the rest of the night. They are to stay in their room until tomorrow morning. No excuses.

The couple thanks him for his understanding, and they promise they’ll behave and stay in their room.

The officer and I wind up chatting and laughing about it all, and he asks if he can grab a cup of coffee in our lobby while he fills out his report. Of course, he can.

He’s sitting in the lobby, I’m back to work, and I hear him say:

Officer: “Oh, you’ve got to be f****** kidding me!” 

I was shocked at the broken quietness as I saw him jump up, exit the lobby… and head right to the hot tub, where the same couple was back in the hot tub making out. I can only assume they took the stairs at the end of the hall out to the parking lot and around to the pool.

He arrested them both. They came back Monday afternoon (they were arrested on Friday night) to collect their property.