(I was chatting with a coworker, and she mentioned another coworker of ours has a crush on her.)
Coworker #1: “Nothing against [Coworker #2] as a person, but I could never go out with him. He’s not my type.”
Me: “How do you mean?”
Coworker #1: “You know me. I’m pretty laid-back, and he’s an anal type. I don’t do anal.”
(I knew what she meant, but she paused, and then nearly fainted from trying to restrain her laughter.)
Coworker #1: “God, why did I say it that way?!”
(I’m at a friend’s birthday, and we’re playing board games. In the middle of a game, the host gets a phone call and steps outside. He doesn’t return for several minutes, and the rest of the group starts to get impatient. Meanwhile, his girlfriend has also left the room to check on the food.)
Friend #1: *loudly* “Hey, [Host]! It’s your turn!”
(There’s no reaction, and we can hear that Host is still talking to someone on the phone.)
Friend #2: *even louder, with an evil smirk* “Hey, [Host]! Hurry up, the prostitutes are here!”
Friend #3: “Wouldn’t it be funny if that made [Girlfriend] appear instead?”
(Right on cue, his girlfriend enters the room, grinning broadly. She points back to the corridor where her boyfriend is still on the phone.)
Girlfriend: “Shout louder. His mom can’t hear you.”
(We are learning sex education, and our teacher has broached onto unusual sexual practices and fetishism. Don’t ask how it happened; it just did. There have been several things listed already.)
Student #1: “Enemas?”
Teacher: “Yes, they can also used in sexual practices.”
Student #2: “What about cement enemas?”
(I know exactly where he got the question from. The teacher does not however. You can tell she is trying to imagine the logistics.)
Teacher: “I… I need to lie down.” *leaves the classroom*
Student #3: “Oh, my God! You broke the teacher!”
(My friends and I are all big Harry Potter fans and love talking about the little details of the series — especially the darker ones. We’re currently finishing up lunch and waiting for the bell for next class to ring.)
Me: “Yeah, when you think about it, the love potions are pretty terrifying. One person has the ability to make you completely obsessed with them, consent or none, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Friend #1: “So true. Remember when [Character #1] accidentally ate those chocolates [Character #2] spiked?”
Friend #2: “And the worst part is no one batted an eye. She bought them at a joke shop for God’s sakes. The stuff isn’t regulated at all!”
Friend #1: “It’s kind—”
Friend #3: *who’s been mostly silent but is now shouting enthusiastically* “DATE RAPE DRUGS! *scurries off to class just as the bell rings*
(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)
Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”
Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”
Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”
Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”
Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”
Worker: “Umm…”
(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)
Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*
Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”
(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)
