A few years ago, I went to the mall with my mom. It was mid-July, and it was nearly 39°C (102°F). When we got out of the car in the parking lot, I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye in the car behind us. I thought it was a dog at first.

Me: *To my mom* “What a**hole leaves a dog inside a car when it’s so hot?”

When I looked again, I saw that it was a baby — a one-year-old girl — sitting at the back. I alerted my mom, but she thought that I was kidding. (I had been messing around and telling s***ty jokes for the past thirty minutes, and I was the kind to make some dark humor jokes like that.)

When she didn’t believe me, I bolted inside the mall, saw a security guard, and informed him with the number plate I’d memorized. He made an announcement over mall’s the speakers, saying:

Security Guard: “If you’re not at your car in two minutes, say goodbye to your passenger door.”

I led him to the car. My mom followed us, dumbfounded by this actually being true (and also infuriated that the security guard stopped her from smashing the car’s window right then), and we waited, waving at the girl, who seemed conscious, through the tinted windows. A man arrived, yelling murder when he saw us.

Man: “Stop! Stop! That’s my car! My daughter is inside!”

Security Guard: “Yes, you moron, your daughter’s inside! Open the doors, now!”

The man unlocked the car, and at the guard’s request, pulled the baby out of the car. The car was an oven, she was soaking wet with sweat, and she started crying the moment she felt the relatively fresh air outside.

The guard guided us inside and got a cup of water for the baby. When the man got the cup of water in his hands, while the guard explained to a cashier what was happening, the a**hole had the audacity to drink from the cup first. My mom exploded, screaming at him to give the water to his daughter, using incredibly colorful and aggressive language.

The man really didn’t seem to understand what was happening. He actually tried to go back to his half-full cart when the girl had finished her water. The security guard stopped him just by putting a hand on his shoulder.

Security Guard: “Stay right there. My colleague will take your baby, okay? There. Sit down. We’re waiting for the police and the ambulance to arrive. Stay calm. Breathe. Your daughter is okay, but we have to make sure of what happened, okay? Okay.”

The man complied with every word. After two minutes, he spoke to the cashier who was holding his daughter and giving her water nonstop.

Man: “Maybe give her another cup of water. It’s hot.”

The security guard raised his voice at the man. I straightened my back hearing him, like when your dad yells at your brother, and you just want to make sure you don’t draw his attention.

Security Guard: “Dude, shut the f*** up. The police are on the way!”

The man complied again.

And we… just left. We were just standing there, low-key hoping to see the guard kick the man’s a**, but we were totally useless for the most part. So, I gave my information to the security guard, and we went on our merry way.

When we exited the mall after about half an hour, the guy was gone, the daughter was gone, the car was still there, and the security guard waved us goodbye with a big smile. We just assumed everything had gone well.

I received a phone call two days later from the police. I confirmed what had happened, and I learned that the man was facing a fine and years of prison, and he had already lost custody of his child.

And thinking of that day is how I manage to be proud of myself every once in a while.

I am visiting an old medieval castle on vacation. I have reached the torture chamber part of the tour. The room contains mock-ups of medieval torture devices, including a stretching rack.

An American father and his son (six years old at the oldest, based on the ticket he’s carrying) are looking at the rack.

Father: “Do you know what this is?”

The kid nods.

Father: “This is a stretching rack. They’d tie people to the chains and then stretch them using that pulley over there.”

Kid: “How did they stretch the chains?”

Father: “They didn’t stretch the chains. They stretched the body.”

Kid: “Oh…” *Eyes go wide in realization* “…oh!“

He then smiles mischievously in the way only six-year-old boys can.

Kid: “That’s so coooool!“

He furiously looks around the room and spots the super-spiky iron maiden.

Kid: “Dad! Daaaad! Tell me about this one!”

I teach high school. A senior is failing my class and doesn’t give two hoots, since it’s not explicitly required to graduate.

However, a week before school ends, I am pulled into a meeting with his parents and counselor. It turns out that he failed enough courses as a freshman and sophomore that he was credit deficient and actually needed a D- in my class to graduate.

Parent: *Furious* “I thought the online classes didn’t matter! Why did nobody inform me of this sooner?”

Counselor: “I sent this message to you last semester on [Official School Texting App] providing information for credit recovery.”

Parent: “Oh, yeah, I deleted that. Isn’t that just for the stupid kids?”

Guess who was in credit recovery that summer?

I am a lifeguard at a large water park. We have several water slides, with some being quite the thrill ride. Children smaller than the minimum height requirement are obviously not allowed to take the slide. This is signposted everywhere, especially at the start of the line to the slide to stop people wasting time waiting for a slide they can’t ride.

I see a kid with his mother and from experience, I already know he’s too small to ride. He excitedly runs up to the slide and I stop him.

Me: “Whoa, there, buddy, let’s put you up against the measuring stick first!”

The kid stands on his tiptoes, but I take this into account.

Me: “Sorry, buddy, you’re too small for this ride. We have lots of others for you though, such as—”

The mother immediately jumps in.

Mother: “How could you! He had his heart set on this slide! You need to let him on it!”

Me: “Ma’am, for his own safety I can’t do that.”

Mother: “He’s going to be upset all day! As his mother and I say it’s okay! You’re just a lifeguard! All you have to do is stop him from drowning!”

Me: “Ma’am, by preventing him from going down this slide that is exactly what I am doing.”

The mother opened her mouth to protest but others in the line shouted at her for making the rest of them wait. She walked back down with her son, who seemed mildly disappointed but more embarrassed about his mom’s behavior. I hope the little guy had a good day in the end.

I am doing some stocking and I overhear a young girl (maybe five at most) deciding between two Lego sets. Her father is encouraging her to pick one.

Dad: “Your birthday money can only cover one of these, so you’ll have to choose.”

Girl: “But… I can’t pick!”

Dad: “Life is all about making hard decisions. You’ll soon learn that this isn’t one of them.”

Girl: “You mean life gets harder than picking a Lego?”

Dad: “Afraid so, munchkin.”

Girl: “I think I’d rather not have a life and just have more Legos.”

Amen, sister!