Lady, That “Part” Is Your Job!

, , , , , | Right | May 26, 2021

I’m at the vet for my dog. A mother and child are sitting in the waiting room.

Me: “Hello, I’m here with [Dog].”

Receptionist: “Okay, and any problems with her?”

Me: “She’s got some irritation on her… um, lady parts.”

Young Child: “Mom, what are lady parts?”

The mother gives me a hate-filled look.

Mother: “You tell him!”

I sat as far away from the mother and child as possible while waiting for the vet!

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SO Not The Time

, , , , , | Friendly | May 26, 2021

I am attending the wedding of a friend, the bride. During the reception, her mother comes up to me.

Bride’s Mother: “Having a good time?”

Me: “Oh, yes.”

Bride’s Mother: *Leaning over* “You know, I kind of wish it was you up there, instead of the groom.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

She then got called off on mother-of-the-bride business, so I never got her to elaborate. The thing is, I had never dated the bride, and I’d only met her mother once. To add insult to injury, I’d always harbored a secret crush on the bride.

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Sometimes Parents Learn From Their Children

, , , , | Related | May 24, 2021

I’m visiting my mom and we’re looking in her refrigerator. There’s a cauliflower salad.

Mom: “I like it raw.”

Me: “Oh, good Lord, Mother, don’t say that.”

Mom: “Why?”

Me: “Ummm… Ummm…

Mom: “Is it something sexual?”

Me: “Yes, and thank you so much for not making me explain that to you.”

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The Sticker Man

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2021

I am working in a library. Our weekly children’s program is wrapping up with the usual craft spread out on the tables throughout the kids’ section. I normally work on the adult side but have come over to cover for a coworker. Just before she leaves, she points out a father and two small girls sitting at a table, the kids decorating their crafts with stickers.

Coworker: “They’re the last family doing the craft. Once they’re done, would you collect the supplies and put them away?”

I agree and see her off. A few minutes later, I see the family gathering their things to leave. As I’m walking over to start cleanup, I see the man pick up the entire stack of sticker sheets and begin to leave the library with them.

Me: “Sir! Excuse me, sir, may I have those back?”

Man: “Oh, these are leftovers. No one else is going to use them, so I’m taking them home for my kids.”

Me: “Actually, those are our supplies. We have these programs every week. May I have those, please?”

Man: “But they’re used.”

He shows me that many of the sticker sheets have one or two stickers removed.

Me: “I still need them back.”

Man: *Grudgingly holding out a single sheet* “Do you want this one?”

Me: “Yes. And the other ones, too, please.”

Man: *Reluctantly holding out another sheet* “Are you sure you want this one, too?”

Me: “Yes.”

I had to collect the entire stack one at a time. I did let him keep a few mostly-used sheets, including one that his children had drawn pictures on the back of. When I told my coworker about it later, she said it was not the first time a parent had tried to do this.

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Heard It From The Grapewine

, , , , , , | Right | May 19, 2021

I am checking out a mother and her two young children at my register.

Customer: “You didn’t have [Brand] ice cream in stock. What will you do to satisfy me?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. We should actually be getting a new shipment overnight, so—”

Customer: “What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Me: “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do to—”

Customer: “I need this to feed my kids tonight. What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Child #1: “But Mommy, you said [Brand] ice cream is only for Mommies!”

Child #2: “Yeah! It’s for wine o’clock, after bedtime!”

The customer stares at me. I stare at the customer. I happen to be checking out her wine bottles at the time. I do not break eye contact.

Customer: “They meant nine o’clock.”

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