MOTHER. I HUNGER. I STARVE.

, , , , , , | Related | February 11, 2021

My mum, sister, and I have a cat. The cat gets fed every evening. Both my mum and my sister are out for the evening — separately — so I feed the cat. Then, I go upstairs into my room to play some video games.

An hour or so later, I hear my mum come home, and an hour after that, my sister. Suddenly, my sister storms upstairs and angrily asks why nobody has fed the cat yet.

Me: “I fed the cat!”

Mum: “Oh, so did I!”

Sister: “Oh, I did, too!”

It turns out that the cat had gobbled up her first portion and licked her bowl clean, and was so convincing in begging for more that my mum had assumed she hadn’t eaten yet and fed her, and then the cat did the same spiel with my sister! Since then, we always texted one another when the cat had been fed until my sister and I moved out.

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It’s Just Like Riding A Candy, Like Stealing A Bike From A Baby

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2021

Occasionally, I’ll get this nice couple with their almost-three-year-old daughter. She’s a sweetheart but has a habit of grabbing candy behind her parents’ backs and opening them. Her parents always catch her and always pay for it, even if it wasn’t that bad.

Me: “Hi, guys! How are y’all doing today?”

Dad: “Good, thanks. You?”

Me: “Doing pretty all right! Are you getting your usual cigarettes today? I see your little one has a bike!” *To the girl* “Do you like your bike?”

Dad: “Oh, we’re not buying it; she just wouldn’t let us leave it. Actually, can you take it from her?”

I come around and crouch in front of her.

Me: “Hi, [Girl], do you mind if I take your bike?”

She shakes her head and holds onto it.

Dad: “Give her the d*** bike!”

Then, he grabbed the bike and separated his daughter from it, while she started screaming bloody murder. The dad made a gesture like, “Go ahead,” so I wheeled it around the counter and hid it as best I could.

Even going out the door I could hear the little girl screeching. It was a long night after that.

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Give Peas A Chance? Bean There, Done That

, , , | Right | February 8, 2021

One of our regular customers comes into our bar with his adorable little kid. The little boy comes bouncing up to me excitedly while I’m serving somebody else. He points something out on the kids’ menu.

Boy: “I’m going to have a chicken burger! With fries and beans!”

Me: “That’s great, bud! I’ll be with you in just a minute; I’m still making drinks for this lady.”

Boy: “Okay!”

He happily skips away. I finish up with the other customer and pour the boy’s dad his usual drink.

Me: “So, [Boy] said he’s having a chicken burger, right?”

Customer: *Scoffs* “He doesn’t know what he wants. Give him a [fish fingers meal].”

Me: “Oh, okay… That’s with beans, right?”

He looks at me like I’m stupid.

Customer: “He’ll have peas.”

I complete the order and get back to the rest of my customers. Later on, I look over and see the kid looking absolutely miserable with his fish fingers.

A couple of days later, the customer is back, on his own this time.

Me: “Hi, [Customer]. No [Boy] today?”

Customer: “No, I really wasn’t happy with his behaviour last time. You know, he didn’t even eat any of his dinner! I’m not going to take him out to eat if he’s just going to throw a tantrum!”

I had to bite my tongue pretty hard that day. Listen to your kids, people!

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A Little Slice of Coincidence

, , , , , | Related | February 5, 2021

This took place before I was born, back in Ye Olde 1980s when people had landlines with multiple receivers around the house. My brother and sister were very young at the time — five and three, I believe — and they were playing around upstairs.

Meanwhile, my parents were downstairs, and they decided to order a pizza. My dad picked up the phone and called the pizza place, but they were busy and placed him on hold. While he was waiting, my brother picked up the phone upstairs and pretended to order a pizza, blissfully unaware that anyone was actually on the line. Then, he hung up the phone and continued playing with my sister.

Once the pizza place finally took my dad off hold to take his order, Dad ordered the exact same pizza my brother had requested. He went to the store to pick it up, came back home, and called out:

Dad: “[Brother], the pizza you ordered is here!”

I’m told that my brother’s expression was quite comical.

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The Great Outdoors Really Stink!

, , , , , | Related | February 4, 2021

Some years ago, my family and I went on a holiday in the USA, driving down the east coast in an RV from campground to campground and sightseeing on the way. Our RV doesn’t have a bathroom. 

One night, my dad woke up with an urgent need to empty his bladder, decided the bathroom on the other side of the campground was too far away, and went to relieve himself in the bushes next to our RV. Still half-asleep, he barely noticed one particular bush in front of him moving and rustling more than the others… until it started hissing and squeaking at him. Zipper down and ready to go about his business, he looked closer and identified the “bush” he was about to pee on as an angry black-and-white furball, facing him buttward with its tail up in the air and making angry skunk noises. 

My dad froze. The little guy put on a bit of a show, shaking his behind in my dad’s face, but luckily soon got bored and moved on. As soon as it seemed safe, Dad retreated back to the RV and waited with an increasingly impatient bladder for sunrise to safely hurry to the restroom.

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