Have The Confidence To Drive Away From This Conversation

, , , | | Related | May 3, 2019

(I’m on the phone with my mother, telling her how I recently overcame my fear of driving a car — thanks to my boyfriend, and a therapist — after eight years of not using my driver’s license. I’m 35.)

Mother: “So, you finally learned to drive! Good!”

Me: “Well, actually, I was capable of it all along; I just held back.”

Mother: “Lucky you! Now [Boyfriend] can buy you a small car!”

Me: “Um, no, Mom… He won’t do that. Also, I don’t need a car since I live so close to work.”

(I’ve repeated this a hundred times, but she insists on me getting a car.)

Me: “Anyway, I’m happy to drive again.”

Mother: “How nice that people seem to have confidence in you!”

Me: *sour* “Yes! Well, wasn’t that just about time!”

(The phone call ended quickly after that.)

This Kid’s Got The Fizz

, , , , , | | Right | May 2, 2019

(During my break, I am out smoking and one of my coworkers comes out, cracking up.)

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Coworker: “I was on the phone with this guy troubleshooting his phone and his baby was in the background crying and wailing.”

Me: “Ouch.”

Coworker: “Well, that’s not the worst part. In the middle of the call, he says—“ *imitating a southern accent* “’Hold on… Hey, honey, get that baby some Coca-Cola in his bottle so he’ll shut up!’ Next thing I hear is the spritz of the soda opening and the baby not crying anymore.”

Me: “Wow, are you serious?!”

Coworker: “Yup, that’s a future Nascar driver right there.”

This Father Of Invention Is Not A Necessity

, , , , | | Related | May 2, 2019

(I’m reorganizing the baby department of our store when I witness a customer walk towards his heavily pregnant wife with the largest diaper bag I have ever seen.)

Customer: “Honey, I got an idea! Let’s save money on the stroller by just buying this one and carrying the baby around in the main pocket!”

(I almost laugh when she gives him a look that I can only describe as, “Just No.” He turns around and starts walking back to his older children and looks genuinely disappointed.)

Customer: “Sorry, girls. Mom says we can’t do that.”

(I don’t know if he was actually serious or not, but he’s got two older daughters who seem just fine, so I guess Mom vetoes all of his zanier ideas.)

What A Peanut Butter Nutter

, , , , , , | | Related | May 1, 2019

(I am detailing a weird dream I had on my Facebook page.)

Aunt: “Did you eat peanut butter before bed?”

Me: “No, lol.”

Aunt: “Oh, Nana always said that peanut butter caused nightmares.”

Dad: “She also said that the shiny side of tin foil was poison.”

A Tantrum Of Rewards

, , , | | Related | May 1, 2019

(I work as a cashier in a supermarket. Sometimes we get parents who come to the register to pay for the groceries and hand cashiers some empty wrapping papers, juice boxes, etc. because their kids have consumed the items in question during their shopping. Technically, it’s not all right to do this, since the groceries should obviously be paid before consuming them, but I guess in the name of good customer service we usually don’t do much about it. A lady approaches my register with her toddler. She hands me an empty juice box, empty croissant paper from our deli, and a wrapping paper of an ice cream.)

Mother: “Could you please scan these items, too? Sorry, I had to give these to him to eat because he was misbehaving so much!”

Me: *thinking* “So, you decided to reward him because of that?”

(I mean, seriously… I have seen this happen quite often: “Oh, my child was screaming and throwing a tantrum in the supermarket, so I, like, had NO CHOICE but to give him an ice cream so he would keep quiet during the shopping.” If I threw a tantrum in a supermarket when I was a child, my parents CARRIED me out of the store and wouldn’t take me back in before I calmed down. And if I didn’t, they usually took me to our car to wait with either of my parents while the other one did the shopping without us two. I DEFINITELY did not get any snacks as a reward for my tantrum.)

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