Whatever Language You’re Speaking, Mom Doesn’t

, , , , , | | Related | June 25, 2019

(I am a software developer with quite a few years of experience, despite having just gotten out of university. I had a student job in this field during most of my studying years. I try to stay humble, but I do say I can really program, and I know that even though if you already learned a programming language, you can learn others pretty quickly, but you aren’t automatically just an expert in every language. My father is also a programmer, but in Java. I’m more in C++ and web scripting languages like Javascript. I am visiting my parents and talking about my work, mentioning that I just hit a tough part using a quite new but interesting and promising framework in JS. My mother has about zero understanding of programming languages.)

Mother: “Oh, let your father help you!”

Father: “Yeah, after lunch! And maybe your company should pay me, then; my time is limited!”

(I think he is joking)

Me: “Thanks for the offer, but it’s quite elaborate and needs a lot of time just to understand it. And he works in other languages than I do!”

Mother: “Nah, your father can do everything! You know he studied it.”

Me: “Mom, yes, but …”

Mother: “And he even helped you in college!”

(Not true!)

Me: *evading* “Yeah, let’s talk later.”

(I’m hoping they will forget it afterward. After lunch:)

Mother: “Go get your laptop!”

Me: “What? Why?”

Mother: “Show your father your work! Now be a good girl. He can help and you can get the fame at work.”

Me: “Mom, that’s not how this works!”

Mother: “Go get it.”

(I just go along with it and get my laptop, though I make sure they won’t see any sensitive information. I am afraid that otherwise this will escalate and I am already drained.)

Me: *showing the code, knowing neither of them will understand a single bit* “So, this is the framework. It’s based on JS, but using this new thing, TypeScript. I’m still new in it, but it’s really cool. This editor…”

Father: *interrupting* “Run it!”

Me: “Erm, sure.”

(I click “build.” At this point, my mother leaves, thinking Father will magically solve it.)

Me: “Let me open the browser — it’s web-based, but I can test it locally. So, here, those parts are all done. I want it to send specific requests and… [more jargon, probably boring to readers].”

Father: *interrupting again* “Where is your server code?”

Me: *patient* “There is none; this app is only in the browser.”

(My father takes the laptop, though I keep next to it all the time. He opens the code again, scrolls through it, opens it in another editor, scrolls through again, opens the browser, closes it, then goes back to the code. Finally, he gives me my laptop back.)

Father: “Hm, I don’t see your problem here. Probably nothing, really. Just keep trying to find it in the server code.”

(There is none, but riiiight.)

Father: “I have more important things to do. You’ll figure it out. I never used this language.”

Mother: *from another room* “See? He could help! I told you!”

Me: *a bit smug* “Not really. He doesn’t even know the problem. I will figure it out eventually.”

Mother: *not believing me, coming in* “[Father]? Try to help her! You have to help her!”

Father: “I don’t know the framework. The language is easy, but the problem is simple enough; she can do it.”

Me: *packing away everything* “I’ll just go.”

(I did figure it out. It was a bit of a hassle at the time and needed workarounds. I was hurt though they thought a) I can’t fend for myself, b) I can’t tell problem severities, and c) my college education and work experience was not much value compared to my father’s.)

Cretins Probably Taste Terrible

, , , , | | Related | June 25, 2019

(My mother and I are having a salad. We’re chatting, happily munching, and she glances around the kitchen. She suddenly exclaims…)

Mom: “Cretins! We ought to have some cretins!”

Me: “Wait… What?!”

(She pulled down a box of CROUTONS from the top of the fridge. This isn’t the weirdest thing she’s mispronounced jokingly, but boy was it unexpected! They were really good cretins.)

Is Your Cousin’s Mom Betty White?

, , , , , , | | Related | June 24, 2019

(A second cousin of mine told me this story. She’s renting a car.)

Agent: “What brings you to Missouri?”

Cousin: “I’m here to celebrate my mother’s 90th birthday.”

Agent: “In that case, why don’t you upgrade to a nicer car? Think how happy your mother would be if you took her for a ride.”

Cousin: “Thanks, but if my mom wanted to go for a ride, she’d have her boyfriend take her out in his convertible.”

(She wasn’t kidding.)

Feel Good About The Little Things

, , , , , | | Related | June 22, 2019

(Mum and I are watching TV. An advert plays that has a CGI slinky.)

Mum: “You know, there are people out there who can do all sorts of things with a slinky.”

Me: *grumpily* “I can’t even successfully push one down the stairs.”

Mum: *with excitement and pride* “I can!”

Me: *laughing at her giddiness* “You sound so proud of yourself.”

Mum: “I am!”

Lions And Tigers And Tired Moms, Oh My!

, , , , , | | Related | June 21, 2019

(I am at the zoo with my family looking at the tigers. The lions are on the other side of the zoo. A woman in her 20s walks up holding an 18-month- to two-year-old child.)

Woman: “Look, honey! See the lions?”

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