Earning Your Grand Theft Auto Badge

, , , , , | Related | November 26, 2019

I am the idiot in this story. 

I had just finished leading a rather active Cub Scout meeting, and I was ready to go home and put my feet up. It was 8:30 at night and I was done for the day. I went out to the car, opened the driver’s side door, and tossed my Scout stuff into the passenger seat. When I pushed the start button, though, nothing happened. I got a “key disabled” message, and couldn’t get it to work at all. I called my older son to bring me another set of keys, figuring that the battery had run out in the key fob or something. 

I sat there in the car, reading stuff on my phone, idly noting that the car was even more of a mess than usual and that I was going to have to get on the kids about that. After ten minutes, my son pulled up in our second car and looked out the window at me with a puzzled look. I got out of the car to grab the keys from him when he spoke up: “Mom? That’s not your car…”

I turned around to find that I had, indeed, gotten into a random SUV that was in the space I usually parked in, that was approximately the same size as my car. It wasn’t even the same make of car, nor the same color. I have no idea why I thought that was my car, other than the fact that it opened when I tried the door. I quickly dashed over to my own car, profoundly grateful that the actual owner hadn’t come out, which would have been an awkward conversation.

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What Show IS This?!

, , , , | Related | November 25, 2019

When I was a kid, my parents wanted to approve everything I watched. We had neighbors who told us that Harry Potter would send you to Hell. Mom didn’t quite believe that, but she thought dark cartoons were linked to bad behavior. Given my penchant for dark cartoons, I tried to hide my viewing as much as possible.

On this particular day, Mom came home early and caught me watching a show I knew she would never approve of. Most episodes had murder or gore, so I knew I was going to get in trouble, but I didn’t say anything because I wanted one last hurrah.

To my extreme luck, the episode being shown was the Friendship Episode. You know, that stereotypical episode in every cartoon where they fight about something ridiculous and spend the episode resolving it and talking about how much they love each other.

Mom approved it with flying colors. She praised the cartoon for showing good relationship dynamics in a world filled with violence and sex. The very next episode, which she didn’t watch, had a person being burned to death.

And that’s the story of how dark cartoons lead me to a life of crime… in my writing, at least!

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Padding For The Apocalypse

, , , , | Related | November 24, 2019

(I’m a little on the chubby side, much to my mother’s chagrin. I have a round face and a little pudge on my lower stomach, but I’m healthy, eat well, am nowhere near overweight, and like my body the way it is, extra padding and all. My mother sometimes gets on my case about my weight, which I suspect is just her projecting.)

Mom: “You know, you’d probably feel a lot better if you lost a couple of pounds.”

Me: *pats stomach* “I’ll last longer when the famine hits.”

(This usually gets her off the topic.)

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OK Boo-Ma

, , , , , | Related | November 22, 2019

(My wife has been looking for a new job and spends most of her day off on her computer, applying to places. My mother-in-law stops by for a visit and sees my wife, her daughter, on the computer.)

Mother-In-Law: “I thought you were job hunting today.”

Wife: “I am. I’m in the middle of an application.”

(And my mother-in-law says what most older generation people say.)

Mother-In-Law: “You should really go in and give them your resume in person. That way they’ll see your face.”

Me: “Actually, I get a lot of resumes handed to me at the office. My boss always tells me to write their names down–“

Mother-In-Law: *triumphantly, to my wife* “SEE?!”

Me: “–and throw away their resumes while he adds their names to a no-hire list.”

Wife: “Ha, see?”

Mother-In-Law: “Wait, really? Why?!”

Me: “Because the application process is online. Every application process is online nowadays. Our website even says to not bring resumes in unless you’re in for an interview. The boss says if they can’t follow those instructions, he definitely doesn’t want to hire them. So dropping off a resume face-to-face costs them a job.”

Mother-In-Law: “But… you work in an office! For a big company! That should be standard process!”

Me: “But we have to stop our work to talk to a person who interrupted our workday by not following instructions. That’s why a lot of hiring processes are online. In fact, it’s very weird now to not have an online application.”

(She stopped nagging my wife about going in person and left her alone. My wife got a job that she applied to online.)

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Leaving Your Wallet Somewhere Is One Thing…

, , , , | Right | November 21, 2019

(I am running the self-check area on a very busy Friday afternoon. A lady, accompanied by two small children — a one- or two-year-old and a three- or four-year-old — approaches one of the registers and checks her groceries through without incident, but she calls me over.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry, but I think I’ve left my wallet in my car.”

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “Can I just leave these groceries here and run out to the car for my wallet?”

Me: “Sure, no problem!”

Customer: “Do you think I could leave my kids here, too, while I run out to the car?”

Me: *with an expression of utter shock* “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Customer: *disappointed* “Oh…”

(She wanted to leave her children with a complete stranger, in a busy store. Really?!)

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