Part And Parcel With Growing Old Together

, , , , | | Romantic | May 10, 2019

(I go to the mail delivery office to pick up a parcel, and the police are there wanting to pick up a suspicious parcel they’ve asked Royal Mail to intercept, but Royal Mail has lost the parcel. I text this to my mum, who finds it funny so she shows my dad. He just gives her a blank look. It doesn’t come up again until two days later…)

Mum: “I’m going to phone [My Name] in a minute.”

Dad: “Was it something we sent?”

Mum: “Was what something we sent?”

Dad: “The parcel.”

Mum: “Which parcel?”

Dad: “The one which the police wanted.”

Mum: “No! It was nothing to do with [My Name]. She just happened to be there at the time.”

Dad: “Was she arrested?”

Mum: “No, it wasn’t her parcel.”

Dad: “So, what was in it?”

Mum: “I’ve no idea…”

Dad: “So, are the police going to speak to her?”

Mum: “It had nothing to do with her. She just overheard it.”

Dad: “What was she ordering that was suspicious?”

Mum: “She was just getting a book she’d ordered off eBay. It wasn’t her parcel that was suspicious.”

Dad: “So, why did the police think her book was suspicious?”

Mum: “I… I’m going to phone [My Name] now.”

That Question Comes With Some Baggage

, , , , | | Related | May 10, 2019

(I am coming home from vacation with my parents. I am thirteen, and we have just gotten to the bag claim carousel.)

Me: “Hey, Dad, do you ever wonder who gets their bag first?”

(Misunderstanding my question, my dad thinks I mean what seat level.)

Dad: “Well, in [Popular Plane Brand] first class, they usually get theirs first because they sort the bags.”

(This goes on for a while until I figure out how to explain to him what I meant.)

Me: “No, I mean, after the fact, whose bag is the first to come out of the slot?”

(The carousel starts when I am in the middle of my sentence and I am in shock when I see what bag it is.)

Me: “I guess it’s mine.”

Let’s Hope She Wasn’t Calling Her Lawyer About Child Custody

, , , , , , | | Right | May 9, 2019

(A woman and her seven-year-old son come in. The woman is on the phone and visibly angry. She is short with her answers and she takes her food and leaves… without her son. I tell my manager and, due to being the newest employee, I get babysitting duty as I try and call the customer.)

Customer: *answering on the tenth time I call* “What?!”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Pizza Place], are you [Customer]?”

Customer: “Obviously, since you have called me a million f****** times! What do you want? I’m f****** busy!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was trying to get ahold of you as you left—“

Customer: “Oh, so, I f****** left something? That’s not important. I’ll come to pick it up in a couple of days. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to call my lawyer back since you interrupted me—“

Me: “Ma’am, you left your son behind.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: *silence*

Customer: “I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

(She arrived twenty minutes later with a fresh coffee and retrieved her son.)

You Can’t Fight Against Mother’s Nature

, , , | | Related | May 9, 2019

(I’m on the phone with my mother, discussing my parents’ visit next weekend. Since both are obnoxiously nosy, traditional, and fearsome about nearly everything in life, I tend to keep relationships to myself to keep things healthy.)

Mother: “So, do we get to see [New Boyfriend]?”

Me: “Oh, he can’t be there this weekend.”

Mother: “Oh. Why not?!”

Me: “He can’t make it. He isn’t there.”

Mother: “Ah! Why! Not! I am so eager to meet him!”

Me: “He isn’t around that day.”

Mother: “Now I can’t meet him. I so hoped for it.”

Me: “Well, he just isn’t here this weekend.”

Mother: “Why can’t he? It’s the first time we get to see him.”

Me: “He is not around, not in town…”

Mother: *deep sigh*

Me: “But we will come to [Aunt]’s party in June.”

Mother: “Aaaaahh! Not fair!”

Me: “Why so…”

Mother: “Now [Aunt] gets to see him first!”

Me: “That depends who sees him first at the party, I guess?”

Mother: “Just isn’t fair. Why can’t we see him this weekend?!”

Me: “He is just not around.”

Mother: *keeps muttering until I change the subject*

(Mind you, I used to have a cat which was afraid of her. Every year on my birthday, she would sneak out of the living room and chase the trembling cat until I dragged her — my mother — back to the living room, and my father told her to stay put on the couch and not chase the poor cat. She kept trying. My boyfriend is not going to be around during their visit this weekend!)

Phoned-In Parenting

, , , , , | | Right | May 8, 2019

(I am supposed to come into work at two pm, but I come a little early to get some paperwork done. No big deal. I come in, and immediately I’m hearing this woman yell profanity at her kids. As it turns out, she is really cheap. She is only looking at the clearance shoes. That’s understandable — kids grow out of shoes fast — but there’s plenty of shoes for like $19.99. But no, she wants the $5 to $10 ones. I walk in and my manager’s working. I say hi, and I go to the back to clock in and everything. Realizing I’m not going to be able to do paperwork, I head out to the sales floor. There is no one else in the store but this family. I say to myself, “Oh, boy.”)

Me: *to manager* “Hey. How’s it going?”

Manager: “Okay. I’m going to take my break after they leave.”

Me: “I do not blame you. How long have they—“

Manager: “At least twenty minutes now.”

Me: “Ouch. Okay. Maybe I can help.”

Manager: “No. I tried that a few times already. She’ll come up here if she has any complaints.”

(Ten minutes go by. This woman does NOT CARE ONE BIT what happens to her kids. Why? She’s on her phone. She has four kids with her who are tearing up the kid’s section, and she’s on her phone. After another five minutes, I notice something happening by the front door.)

Me & Manager: “MA’AM!”


Customer: “Oh, d*** it!”

(Her toddler wearing diapers not only runs out of the store, but she makes it across to the parking lot. The toddler almost got hit by a car passing by, and then by another trying to back out of a spot. What does this woman do? You guessed it. She comes back into the shop, apologizes, and keeps shopping while talking on her phone. A SECOND ATTEMPT is made by the toddler, trying to leave, but her mom stops her that time, only a second after she has opened the front door again. My manager goes in the back to do some paperwork of her own. No one else has come in this whole time, so we both get kind of bored. I go up to the mom again and she asks me about a shoe. We walk up to the register, get everything rung up, and she leaves. Once she leaves, I tell my manager, and we clean up the whole store because the kids got in the women’s section, too. Shoe boxes and random thrown shoes are everywhere.)

Manager: “If she comes back, I’m telling her to get off her phone or leave.”

Me: “I’m just going to tell her to leave.”

(She did end up coming back a few hours later, because I had goofed, so that was fine. But once she started to shop, I literally followed right behind her until she saw what I was doing and left. I think she got the hint. I encourage mom’s everywhere: if you’re in a store with your kids, whether it’s a big store or small store, YOUR PHONE CALL CAN WAIT, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS!)

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