Will Not Tip-Toe Around Mother

, , , , , , | Right | December 2, 2019

I’ve spent nearly ten years working at a popular gas station in my city, and I’ve gotten to know many customers in that time. One girl, only a few years younger than me, comes in several times a week and we always chat if I have the time. I learn that she is a waitress at my favorite restaurant, though I’ve never been in while she was working; she works evenings, and I only go in mornings or mid-afternoons.

She always laughs and tells me to come by when she is working and sit in her section so she can have one stress-free table for once, and I tell her that as soon as I feel like leaving my house at night, I will. 

A couple of months later, in January, we have our massive birthday celebration for the seven family members who have birthdays all within a couple of weeks of each other. We go to a restaurant that I’ve never been in before, and my mother proceeds to make a fuss over everything to the poor waitress.

The waitress gets our drinks but gives a few to the wrong people, and our food has to come out in waves because we are a table of nearly thirty. When my mom threatens to not tip if the waitress doesn’t “get her act together,” I slam my drink down, stand, throw my napkin onto her plate, and storm out, making her chase me down.

I explain to her that she’s ruined my portion of the celebration and I’m not going to speak to her for a long time after this. She understands she’s screwed up and offers to take me to my favorite restaurant that evening. It’s pretty expensive, but she promises to pay for everything and tip well. I accept.

We get seated, and when the waitress comes for our drink order, it’s my customer! She is thrilled to finally have me as a customer, and she goes above and beyond. It’s a good evening all around, much better than earlier, and when she comes to ask if we want dessert, I turn it down. As she begins to collect plates, it comes up that it’s my birthday. When she comes back with our ticket, there’s a takeout container that she gives to me. It’s a slice of my favorite dessert! She paid for it out of her tip money as a birthday present for me.

It really made up for earlier.

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The Ambiguous Family Robinson

, , , , , | Related | December 1, 2019

(When I am a kid, my family is watching the Disney movie “The Swiss Family Robinson.”)

Me: “So, where are they from? They’re not English.”

Dad: “Maybe France?”

Mom: “Germany? Or are they Dutch?”

(It took us an embarrassingly long time to figure it out.)

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Age Is Just A Mom-ber

, , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2019

(The company I work for hires a lot of high-school-age employees. Due to federal and state labor laws, we have a very limited number of positions to offer to candidates who are 15 or younger — all of which are currently filled — but can employ any number of young people at least 16 years old. I am calling one of our candidates over the phone. It is currently 2019.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]. Can I speak to [Candidate], please?”

Candidate: “This is [Candidate].”

Me: “Hi. I’m just calling about your recent application with us. On your application, you stated that you are at least 16 years old. Is that correct?”

Candidate: “Yes, I’m 16.”

Me: “Okay. Because on the documentation you brought us with your birthdate, it states here that you were born in 2004. Is that right?”

Candidate: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: *sighing inwardly* “Oh, I see. Well, if you were born in 2004, and considering that it’s currently 2019, that would mean that you’re only 15 years old.”

Candidate: “Oh.”

Me: “Right. So, if that’s true, then I’m very sorry to say that we don’t have any positions at this time that we can offer to a 15-year-old, due to labor laws. However, if something does open up, we’ll keep your application on file. Otherwise, I hope you’ll consider reapplying when you turn 16 next year.”

Candidate: *sounding confused and disappointed* “Okay. Thanks.”

(I end the call, thinking that’s the end of it. Fifteen minutes later, I am asked to take another call. It is the candidate’s mother.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Candidate’s Mother: “I’m [Candidate]’s mother! Why did you tell my son that he can’t work there?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained to him, we don’t currently have any positions available for 15-year-olds.”

Candidate’s Mother: “My son is 16! I brought in his birth certificate to prove it! Are you calling him a liar?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I looked at the birth certificate that he provided us. It states that he was born in 2004, right?”

Candidate’s Mother: “Yes, that’s right! So he’s 16!”

Me: *a bit baffled* “Ma’am, it is only 2019 right now. If he was born in 2004, that would make him 15.”

Candidate’s Mother: “No, he just had a birthday recently!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can see that his birthday was last month, but that would mean that he only just turned 15.”

Candidate’s Mother: “No, he just turned 17!”

Me: *torn between speechlessness and hilarity* “Please hold on a moment, ma’am.”

(I was forced to put her on hold, rather than lose my composure at the nature of the conversation. It took me several minutes to compose myself, but by then, she had hung up rather than wait on hold. I can only hope that she realized her mistake, but I can’t help but feel bad for the young man who didn’t realize his actual age.)

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Karate Man Versus The Ninja

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

When I was in third grade, I often struggled to sleep. As most young kids do in that case, I would go to my parents.

I had not learnt how to tell time yet but knew that if the light in the hallway was on that at least one of my parents was still awake and in the living room. 

It was on. 

So, little, tired me walked into the living room — at what I later learned was 2:00 am — to see the back of my dad as he was turning off the TV and other devices. 

To get his attention, I tapped his shoulder.

His black-belt karate instincts kicked in and the only reason I wasn’t knocked out was that I was tiny. 

After much whisper-shouting, and after he realized that he had nearly punched his child, he finally got me to bed. I had to promise to always announce my presence from a distance and for a while carried the nickname of “Little Mouse.”

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Home Aloned For The Holidays

, , , , , , | Related | November 29, 2019

(My family gathers for Thanksgiving, and when we finish dinner we all load up in cars and do the Black Friday shopping at a certain retailer that likes to start early. We have a game plan and everyone knows what to get. This year it’s me, my brother, sister, best friend, uncle, mom, and nana. We get everything and they tell me to walk around so I don’t see what they get me. My friend is still with them when my nana tells me to ride home with my uncle to make it to work on time. In the confusion of everything, this happens. My phone rings and it’s my friend.)

Friend: “Hey, can you take me home?”

Me: “Isn’t [Sister] going to take you home?”

Friend: “Well, yeah, but the car was full, so she told me to ride with Nana, but Mom and Nana already left.”

Me: *speechless* “They already left? Is [Sister] gone now?”

Friend: ”Yeah, they’re gone now.”

Me: “Dude. This is going down for funniest holiday mishap. I’m at the grocery entrance. I can’t believe they home-aloned you!”

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