The Mother Of All Birthdays

, , , , , , | Related | October 11, 2019

(Every few years, my birthday falls on Mother’s Day, but I don’t have a mother, so I usually just focus on my birthday.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], what are you doing for Mother’s Day this weekend?

Me: “It’s actually my birthday on Sunday, so I’m going out with some friends that night.”

Coworker #1: “I didn’t know it’s your birthday! Were you born on Mother’s Day?”

Me: “I was, actually, so it’s not unusual for my birthday to fall on the day itself.”

Coworker #1: “Are you doing anything with your mom?”

Me: “No, we… I don’t have a mother.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you and your friends doing?”

Me: “We’re going to–“

Coworker #2: “Wait, I thought you lived with your mom when you started working here.”

Me: “Yeah, I did. It was bad, it didn’t work out, and I moved away as soon as I could.”

Coworker #2: “So, you do have a mom but you’re not even going to call her?”

Me: “No. I’m not.”

Coworker #2: “But it’s not right; she’s your mom!”

Me: “Look, my mother is not a good person; let’s just leave it at that, okay?”

Coworker #2: “I can’t believe you’re a person who would cut her mother out of her life.”

(I just walk away. Later, I finish up my work duties and am about to clock out when [Coworker #2] ambushes me by the time clock.)

Coworker #2: “What was that, earlier? You lied to [Coworker #1] about not having a mom and then got snippy with me when I called you out on it.”

Me: “All right, look, I’m going to say this once: my egg donor is a very bad person. She lies, steals, and manipulates every single person she comes in contact with. I moved in with her when I was a homeless teenager to get off the streets, but not even six months into the arrangement she stole all of the money I’d saved and kicked me out of the house — on my birthday, no less — because I caught her in a lie. And when I pointed out that her stories didn’t match, she screamed at me, dragged me out of the house by my hair, and locked the door behind me. I was on the street again for almost a week. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since, and I plan on keeping it that way. If you have a problem with that, then that’s your issue, not mine. To avoid this exact situation, I just tell people I don’t have a mother. It’s not a lie to me; that woman birthed me, but that’s it. That doesn’t make her my mother. Now move. I’m done with work and I’m going home.”

(To her credit, [Coworker #2] did apologize to me and bought me a little gift for my birthday, and we got along just fine until I changed jobs. Not everyone has good parents, and that includes mothers, people! Try to remember that, especially with the whole “I judge people by how they treat their parents” thing that has been going around lately.)

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Technological Advancements In Dad Jokes

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2019

(I’m working the front desk at a chain hotel when a couple with a baby comes in. They check in without issue and head up to their room. About ten minutes later, the father enters the lobby and approaches me looking nervous.)

Father: “I found a mouse under the heater in our room.”

Me: “Oh, my. Sir, I am—”

Father: “No, it’s okay. It was dead.”

(He places a wireless computer mouse on the counter; I am very relieved.)

Father: “Sorry. I’m a dad now. I couldn’t resist that.”

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Every Mother’s Hope For Their Child

, , , , | Related | October 10, 2019

(I’m a fairly innocent kid. When I’m in seventh grade, I’m ecstatic to get the part of a Lost Boy in my school’s production of “Peter Pan.” My character, Pans, wears a pot on his head at all times. My mother begins hatching a plot when I come home with the pot, and that night she springs into action.)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Mom: “Can you help me with something?”

Me: “Yeah, what?”

Mom: *grinning* “I need you to put on your costume, go out into the living room, and tell your father, ‘Look, Dad, I’m a pothead.’”

(This seems a little weird to me, but I don’t know if there’s a joke there or what she’s talking about. I trust my mother, so I do what she asks.)

Me: *walks into the living room* “Hey, Dad!”

Dad: *looks up from magazine*

Me: “Look, I’m a pothead!”

Dad: *puts his head in his hands and groans*

Mom: *dying of laughter*

(I didn’t fully understand what my mom had been laughing at or why my dad had been groaning until I was much, much older.)

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Them’s Fighting Words

, , , , , , | Related | October 9, 2019

(My parents and I are eating out at a restaurant with my mom’s best friend. Everyone here is from Louisiana.)

Friend: “I’ve always loved Creole gumbos.”

Dad: *a born and raised Cajun* “So, you’ve never actually had gumbo, then?”

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There Are Plenty Of White-People Movies; They’re Called Movies

, , , , , | Related | October 8, 2019

(We’ve just finished watching a movie that had a main cast that was nearly all white. At the end of the movie, the main character says, “We can save the future, but we’ll need help.” They recruit people across the globe. None of the recruits are white.)

Dad: “I guess they don’t want white people in their future, huh?”

Me: *headdesks*

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