A lady comes in and says she’s ordering a personal-sized pizza.
Customer: “I’m a vegetarian, so I want red onions, green pepper, chicken, mushrooms…”
Cashier: “That’s not very vegetarian.”
Customer: “Yes, it is. Chicken isn’t beef or pork, so it isn’t meat.”
Cashier: “I have some bad news for you…”
A customer is in our little rural café on the west coast of Ireland. They’ve parked up in a rental car, walked in from the rain, and before even looking at the small menu, have started to complain about pretty much everything to the cashier.
Customer: “I can’t believe I came all this way to look at the cliffs and it’s raining!”
Cashier: “Yes, weather can be unpredictable in these parts.”
Customer: “And the road to get here! Oh my God! Tiny! How do they expect tourists to drive from Galway out here?”
The cashier has realised this guy isn’t listening, just ranting, so:
Cashier: “We’ll replace the cliffs with a nice six-lane highway for you.”
Customer: *Not listening.* “If your country cared about getting tourists here, they’d have real infrastructure in place for us!”
Cashier: “You must be exhausted carrying all that expertise around.”
Customer: “And there’s nothing to see on the way here! Just fields and more f***** fields! And then when you get here, there’s nowhere to park! All those fields, but nowhere for me to park!”
Cashier: “You seem disappointed we haven’t turned the whole country into a parking lot. Don’t worry, we’ll run your suggestions past the sheep.”
Customer: “This is not going to review well when I get home!”
Cashier: “The country’s been here longer than yours. I think it’ll survive your review.”
Customer: *Finally snapping out of it.* “Well… aren’t you going to get my order?”
Cashier: “Are… you going to tell me?!”
Customer: “Oh… have I not done that yet?”
The woman ahead of me is buying an item. The cashier is also a woman. She has been pushing for every discount imaginable.
Customer: “Can I get the price any lower?”
Cashier: “I’ve already applied the student discount.”
Customer: “You can’t add any more?”
Cashier: “No.”
Customer: “There’s no like… sales?”
Cashier: “No.”
Customer: “What about a weekend discount?”
Cashier: “That’s not a thing. Also, it’s a Thursday.”
Customer: “Can I use your staff discount?”
Cashier: “No.”
Customer: “Ugh. Well… your eyebrows are hideous.”
Cashier: “At least mine are real.”
I laughed so hard that the customer screamed at us both and stormed out. The manager came rushing over at the sound of the scream, and I told him that she had done nothing wrong.
It’s a hot day, and I’m having a stroll along the seafront. Nearby is a family with two young sons, probably aged around six and three. The younger son is having a full meltdown about something. Tears, tantrums, stomping feet, the whole works. His parents are trying to calm him down.
His brother has clearly had enough.
Older Brother: “Oh, just leave him there! He’s too noisy, and we don’t like him anyway!”
The parents did not find this funny. I, on the other hand, had to turn away to stop myself from laughing hysterically.
On the underground train going from Heathrow into central London, it starts filling at my station. There was a woman who appeared to be a tourist (suitcases, T-shirt with “London” on it, American accent), and a man about two seats down.
The man sneezes twice. Very common on the tube.
Woman: “You need to get off the train.”
Man: “Excuse me?”
Woman: “You can’t be on the train sick. That’s not fair. I’m immunocompromised.”
Man: “I’m not ill. If you’re immunocompromised, I’d suggest either getting off the train yourself or wearing an FFP3 mask.”
Woman: “No! You need to get off this train!”
The man just ignored her at this point.
Woman: “I’m calling the police!”
The whole tube laughed so hard, she started shouting obscenities and left the train at the next stop.
