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Comments About Babies From The Mouths Of Babes

, , , , , , | Learning | December 3, 2021

I’m volunteering at my church’s Vacation Bible Camp during the summer, leading the first-grade group. This mostly involves wrangling wriggly children and preventing them from knocking down intricate butcher paper decorations.

At one point, we have to wait outside one station while the previous class is finishing up. To keep the kids occupied, I start asking them about their plans for the fall. One kid pipes up.

Student: “What grade are you going to be in?”

Me: “I’m actually out of school.”

Student: “So, what are you doing in the fall?”

Me: “Well, I’m engaged, so I’ll be getting married this fall.”

Student: “Oh, so, you’re pregnant.”

Luckily, none of the other teachers in this very traditional church setting were around to hear, and I quickly corrected him, but I had to wonder what order these things typically happened in his family for a six-year-old to reach that conclusion!

Planting The Seeds Of Knowledge

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2021

My friend was trying to conceive using donor sperm shipped to them. Their adoptive son saw the container arrive and asked his mother what it was.

Friend: “You know how we plant seeds to make plants grow? These are sort of like baby seeds. They go into me and, hopefully, they will make a baby start growing!”

Her son seemed content with this; he already knew they were trying for another child. A few weeks later, my friend was on Facebook when she saw a post from her son’s pregnant teacher.

Teacher: “The things you hear as a teacher. Today, I had a kid ask me if I was pregnant because my husband planted baby seeds in me.”

Realizing that had to have been her son, my friend wrote back apologizing and explaining the context of her son’s question. The teacher just wished her good luck with growing her baby seeds.

The Room For Rent Is A Lie

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2021

I submitted this story about my pain-in-the-rear mother-in-law. She is very generous… with other people’s time and stuff. This causes a lot of friction because I never let her have her way, and my husband supports me. When we moved down the street from her, she decided we would be a bed and breakfast for all her relatives to come and visit her. I would entertain and feed them and they could visit her during the day. However, a rule my husband and I had decided on when we first married was no overnight guests. This was mainly due to the fact that we had bums on both sides of the family.

I get a call one day from a relative in the other part of the country.

Relative: “Hello, [My Name]. We are coming down to visit all of you next month.”

Keep in mind that in over twenty years of marriage, I have never met this relative or even talked to them.

Me: “Oh, that’s nice. I can’t wait to meet you. Perhaps we can have you over for coffee or something.”

Relative: “Oh, but we are staying at your house.”

Me: “Ah, no, you are not. For one, I don’t know you, and I will not have complete strangers stay in my home when I have small children. Not that it matters, because we do not have overnight guests.”

Relative: “Well, [Mother-In-Law] said we could.”

Me: “How nice, since this is not her home and she has no say in it.”

Relative: “She paid for it, so she should get some say in it.”

Me: “She did?! Oh, my! Would you mind calling my mortgage company and letting them know, please? Because, apparently, I have paid tens of thousands of dollars on a mortgage I don’t owe.” *Silence* “Now, I know you might not want to stay with my mother-in-law due to her heavy smoking, and she had no extra beds, but there is a hotel down the road I can give you the info for. I suggest you do not wait too long, though, since this is tourist season here and the hotels tend to fill up fast.”

Relative: “Can you just make the reservation for us?”

Me: “No, you will need to use a credit card for the reservation.”

Relative: “Oh, just put it on your card and we will pay you back.”

Me: “I can’t do that, since we don’t have credit cards. We don’t believe in them. Do you want the hotel info now?”

They took the number. [Mother-In-Law] was so embarrassed to have been called out on her lie she never pulled that again. That was over fifteen years ago and they still haven’t visited. Wonder if they got lost on the way here?

The Cake Price Is A Lie

This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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Grandpa Put His Finger Right On The Issue

, , , , | Related | October 23, 2021

Several years ago, after Grandpa’s first stroke, my dad and grandpa went to a great big extended family reunion. It had been quite a while since they’d seen that side of the family. Grandpa wasn’t saying much because of the stroke, but his mind was as sharp as ever, so when he said something, people listened.

Grandpa: “I guess [Relative] finally gave up woodworking.”

Dad: “What makes you say that, Dad?”

Grandpa: “Well, he’s not missing any more fingers.”

Later, Dad decided to go talk to [Relative].

Dad: “My dad seems to think you’ve given up woodworking.”

Relative: *Surprised* “Well, yeah, but how’d he know about that?”

Dad: “He says it’s because you stopped losing fingers.”

Dad looked at [Relative]’s hands, and sure enough, [Relative] was missing several fingers.

Relative: *Indignant* “That’s not why I stopped! I stopped because my workshop burned down and my wife wouldn’t let me buy more tools!”

Relative’s Wife: *Cracking up* “I wouldn’t let you buy more tools so you’d stop losing fingers!”

The Misogyny Starts Early, And It’s Coming From Inside The House

, , , , , , | Working | September 6, 2021

My husband and I are expecting our first baby and just found out we’re having a girl. I am talking with a coworker who is also pregnant and having a girl, as well.

Me: “We just found out we’re having a girl!”

Coworker: “And you’re happy about that? You didn’t want a boy first?”

Me: “Not really. I’d be happy either way, but I am really excited to be having a girl.”

Coworker: “Is your husband disappointed?”

Me: “Uh, no. He’s thrilled. He was actually really hoping for a girl; he’s probably more excited than I am.”

She didn’t say much after that but I got the impression she wasn’t happy about having a girl.