Not Trained For This Situation

, , , , , | Related | February 18, 2020

(For my grandma’s 80th birthday, her kids all host a big party for her. My youngest uncle has just had a new house built, so that’s where it’s hosted. I’m the oldest grandkid; I am 17, while my uncle’s son is two years old. After spending the morning running around preparing and cleaning up the house, my two-year-old cousin — now very bored — begs me to play trains with him. It will keep him quiet and occupied in the back room until the party begins, so I agree. The next thing I know, I’m suddenly aware that there are four other kids in the back room with us, and there’s music and talking in the rest of the house. I’m about to go join the party when two little girls take over my cousin’s train set.)

Cousin: “No! No, no, no, no, no!” *begins to cry*

Me: “Hey, buddy, it’s all right. Look; they’ve got the red train and the blue train, and you can have the green train! That’s your favourite one!”

Cousin: “No!”

Me: “Okay, which train did you want?”

Cousin:My trains.”

Me: “Yes, they’re your trains. The girls are just borrowing them for a little while. It’s important to share so that you can all play together.”

Cousin: “NOOO!” *throws himself on the ground, about to go full meltdown*

Me: “Right. I’m going to pick you up, and we’ll go find Mummy, okay?”

Cousin: “Nooo… ‘kay.”

(I wander out into the party, my cousin goes to cuddle with his mum until he feels better, and I go on my way to eat cake and talk to people I know.)

Lady: *grabbing my shoulder* “YOU!”

Me: “Uh, hello? I’m sorry, I don’t think I recognise you–”

Lady: “What are you doing outside the playroom?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Lady: “You’re going to be sorry. I went to check on my dears and found you missing.” 

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Lady: “How dare you?! You’re getting paid good money to watch those kids, and you fob it off to steal party food?”

Me: “Paid?”

Lady: “When I checked, there was no one watching the kids. My girls were even about to get into a fight with each other. You’re going to get back there and do your job, and when I find [Aunt], I’ll see that she never hires you again.”

Me: “Can you let go of me now?”

Lady: “You need to learn some responsibility and–”

Dad: “[My Name], there you are. Come here; it’s time for the speeches. Oh, hello, Mrs. [Lady].”

Lady: *suddenly sickeningly pleasant* “Oh, hello, [Dad]. I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been? How’s [Mum] doing?”

Dad: “She’s fine. [My Name], this is [Lady]. She’s a part of Grandma’s congregation. I used to babysit her when I was your age.”

Lady: “You should have said you were related to [Grandma]. I thought you were the hired help.”

(I turn to look at the projector, showing photographs of Grandma through her life, right next to us. The current image is one of Grandma in her wedding dress; I have listened to twelve people today already marvel over how it looks just like me, before I’ve even introduced myself)

Me: “Sure. If you say so.”

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I Was Hoping For A Cute Little Frappe Myself

, , , | Right | February 7, 2020

(I’m about eight months pregnant.)

Barista: “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Me: “A small mocha, single shot of espresso, please.”

Barista: “Coming right up. So, do you know what you’re having?”

Me: “Umm… a small mocha?”

Barista: “Actually, I meant a boy or a girl.”

Me: “OH! It’s a boy!”

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Breast To Just Support Her

, , , , , | Working | January 24, 2020

(I work for a kid’s craft company, I have an area in a shopping center with tables and chairs and the kids can come and do a free craft with us. One school holiday, I’m working with a young girl who is about 16 and the kids are coloring in animal masks. There’s a young family with two kids coloring and a mum holding a baby. The mum begins to breastfeed the child and my coworker comes over to me.)

Coworker: *shocked* “She shouldn’t be doing that in here.”

Me: *only just noticing her breastfeeding now because she was very discreet* “She’s just feeding her baby; it’s fine.”

Coworker: “But there are children around here; she should be doing that in private, not in the middle of the shops. We should ask her to stop or leave.”

Me: *shocked at my coworker* “Just leave it. It’s illegal to ask her to leave because she is breastfeeding.”

(Since I was a few years older than her and the lead person for that job — we don’t have supervisors or managers at the center — she left it. I was so shocked to think that my coworker, who I’d worked with a few times already, would want to ask the mom to leave. The mom and her kids came back a few more times that week and the next week, which was a different craft, and she continued to breastfeed whilst her kids did the craft. I’m so happy we could help keep her two older children occupied whilst she fed the baby. I’m sure it can be overwhelming to have to take two kids and a baby out without anyone else to help you.)

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Put On ALL The Calendars The Date He Moves Out

, , , | Related | January 14, 2020

(We have a relation living with us, mainly because he can’t afford to live on his own. Over the past year, it’s become obvious that he’s a spendthrift and always spends money on stupid gimmicky things that he “just has to have.” He also buys a lot of these things as gifts.)

Relation: *handing me a calendar full of half-naked men with kittens* “l just had to get this for you.”

Me: *cringing because I hate this sort of thing* “Thanks, but you didn’t have to. It’s just that I don’t really like having pics of half-naked men around.”

Relation: “But you like kittens.”

(Christmas comes and he gets everyone a s***-load of gimmicky gifts, which includes a calendar for me; I actually hang this one in the kitchen to use. It’s now ten days after Christmas and he comes home from yet another day of shopping.)

Relation: “I got this for you.” *hands me a calendar with cats on it*

Me: “Uh, thanks, but I think I’ve got more than enough calendars.”

Relation: “Yeah, maybe, but I just had to buy it for you; you like cats.”

(He’s probably spent close to $80 on calendars for me alone. He does the same thing for others, too; no wonder he can’t afford a place of his own. And owning one cat does not mean I am obsessed with them.)

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Their Planning Was A Joke

, , , , , , | Related | January 4, 2020

My family and I were out to dinner at a restaurant we had never tried before but had heard great things about. A big-name comedian was in town, so naturally, all the surrounding restaurants were packed. In making the reservation, I figured we needed to be at the restaurant at least two hours before the show, and even that would be cutting it close. 

My family thought otherwise and made a reservation for only an hour and a half before the show. We had a tough time finding parking, so we were late to the restaurant and had about an hour to get served and eat. 

I knew we hadn’t left much time to eat, so I ordered water and something quick I could sneak in my purse and eat at the show, while my family all ordered cocktails, steaks, and elaborate dishes, thus leaving no time to eat before we had to leave. They complained the entire time we were there from waiting to be seated, to waiting to get our order taken, to waiting for their drinks and meals, etc. 

We were going to be late to the show, so my family just threw a bunch of cash on the table and left, hoping it was enough to cover the meals with probably no tip, and half of my family hadn’t received any food yet, so they were pretty hangry. 

Not too long after the show started, I took out my food I had wrapped in a napkin and offered it to everyone. They were stubborn enough to refuse, so I happily ate dinner while they all grumbled and shot daggers at me throughout the show. Plan better next time, and this is coming from the member of the family who’s always late.

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