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You Don’t Choose The Cat; The Cat Chooses You, Part 2

, , , , , , | Related | January 11, 2023

My cat grew up as a street tom before we took him in (and washed him, got him his shots, and had him snipped).

We were often warned that a rather boisterous street cat doesn’t go well with a baby, so maybe we should get rid of the cat when I got pregnant. But that cat was abandoned enough, so we figured he’d get a chance, at least.

[Cat] protected me during pregnancy and would sleep at my side (my belly’s side).

[Cat] loves [Baby]. If I pulled [Cat]’s tail, I’d probably get an eye out; [Baby]’s allowed. I didn’t leave them alone together at first — of course not — but it seems [Cat] was more worried as to whether I was allowed alone with the baby. He slept at the foot of the baby bed and checked anyone approaching. [Cat] comes running like a bat out of Hades if the baby so much as whimpers.

As [Baby] is now a toddler, he’s allowed to walk [Cat] on his leash. [Cat] keeps close and polite, without pulling, as he does not with me. And he still sleeps with [Baby].

I wish I’d had a pet like that when I was growing up; he’s more like a guardian spirit than a regular cat. I somehow think if [Baby] ever gets bullied, the bully will have a faceful of cat before I even manage to intervene.

You Don’t Choose The Cat; The Cat Chooses You

You Have All Of His Life To Make It Up To Him

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 1, 2023

My mother had a very long labor with my brother. It had started in the early morning, and it was now well past noon, but absolutely nothing was happening.

Mom: “Honey, you must be starving. Go grab some lunch from the cafeteria.”

Dad: “What? But what if I miss it?”

Nurse: “It’s okay. She’s not going to deliver in the half-hour or so that you’ll be in the cafeteria.”

Dad: “But what if she does?!”

It took almost ten minutes for my mother and the nurse to convince my father that everyone would be fine, he should go get lunch, and there was nothing to worry about, but he eventually let himself be convinced to go eat in the hospital cafeteria.

Not long after he left, the doctor came in to check on my mother and brother. During the check, they discovered that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my brother’s neck and his heartbeat was growing irregular. My mother was put under almost immediately for an emergency C-section. The nurses moving her were running, and she didn’t lose consciousness until they were almost to the operating room. Not long after, my brother was safely delivered with no injuries or further complications.

After being reassured that everything was fine and he wouldn’t miss anything while getting food, my father returned to discover that his wife was being stitched up and he had a new son.

We still joke about how he missed my brother’s birth because he went to get lunch.

At Least They’re Figuring This Out Before It’s Too Late

, , , , , , , | Romantic | December 24, 2022

I used to teach tenth-grade English. One day, I assigned a twenty-minute writing prompt on the students’ dream life.

In my seventh period, I had a couple who had been dating for about three months. The boy was completely head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, but he had some “unique” ideas.

After the twenty minutes were up, I asked for volunteers to share what they had written and the boy stood up to read his paper.

Boy: “My dream is to live off the grid in either Wyoming, Montana, or Alaska. I want to live in a cabin that I built with my own hands. I am going to have a farm and grow my own food, an orchard where I grow my own fruit, and cattle, chickens, and pigs that I’ll raise myself for meat. I’ll be living hours away from any real towns or cities and just have a completely free life where I can do whatever I want and be totally self-sufficient. My wife will help me build our cabin, she’ll bear our children right in our cabin, and we will homeschool them and teach them to live off of the land.”

Girl: “Um, I will definitely not be having our children in a cabin! I will be having my children in a hospital.”

Boy: “Honey, we’ll probably be three or four hours away from any hospital. Maybe more if we choose Alaska.”

Girl: “I am not giving birth four hours away from any sort of medical care!”

Boy: “You won’t have a choice. I won’t be able to get you to a hospital! You’ll be fine, I promise! I’ll know how to deliver a baby because I’ll have to help our cows have their calves.”

Girl: “Yeah, I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Surprisingly enough, they were no longer a couple the next day. He was much more heartbroken about it than she was.

There’s No Place Like Work For The Holidays

, , , , | Working | December 14, 2022

I never got along with my family, but because I was living with my grandmother as kind of live-in help, I was at her mercy when it came to family get-togethers. None of us got along with each other, but we really had no choice in the matter, since my grandmother controlled pretty much everything, leading to a lifetime of resentment among several of us.

I worked at a convenience store at the time, and our manager was very considerate in scheduling around holidays. She had a system: you could be off on Thanksgiving OR you could be off on Christmas, but not both. Christmas was the one everyone wanted off, and it was the most stressful holiday for me, so I would volunteer to work Christmas every year. I had worked the last six by this point.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, I saw the schedule for that day and looked to see where I would be. To my absolute horror, I saw that I was off both Christmas Eve AND Day.

Me: “[Manager]! There’s a mistake on the schedule! You have me off on both Eve and Day! I volunteered to work both!”

Manager: “Oh, that’s just how availability worked out. [Coworker] was going out of town, but the plans got canceled, and she needed the extra money anyway.”

Me: “Can’t I come in anyway? Do we need a dedicated cleaner?”

Manager: “No, I’ve got all the slots filled.”

I was devastated. I knew trying to swap shifts wasn’t going to work, either, because everyone who signed up to work Christmas had no other plans and no reason to need it off.

Me: “But… but I was expecting to work on Christmas! [Manager], why? What did I ever do to you?”

Manager: “Cheer up, [My Name]! Look at it like this: now you get to spend time with your family for once!”

Me: “[Manager], you don’t understand. If I don’t work on Christmas, then I have to spend time with my family!”

After Roe V Wade, You Probably Could?

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2022

I’m a tax preparer. A client has called me to complain about her tax return.

Client: “Why wasn’t my baby claimed as a dependent on my 2021 tax return?!”

Me: “Your baby was born in 2022.”

Client: “So?”

Me: “Babies can’t be claimed until they’re born, ma’am.”

Client: “But she was still dependent on me before she was born! She was depending on me to make her! This is bulls***!”