He’s Pushing Down Daisies

, , , , , , | Related | February 8, 2018

(Thirteen family members live at my house, and it is common to have visitors many of us don’t know. There is an outside gate, and visitors have to use the intercom to be let in the yard. Whoever opens the door may not be the person who answered the intercom. I open the door to see a girl in her late teens.)

Girl: “Hi!”

Me: “Hi, nice to meet you. Come on in.”

Girl: “Okay. Do I sit down?”

Me: “Sure. Have a seat.”

(This is a common scenario for the person opening the door if someone else answered the intercom. Ten minutes later…)

Cousin: “Hey, there’s a girl on the couch downstairs!”

Aunt: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Wait. The girl I opened the door for?”

(It is.)

Me: “Hi. Are you still waiting?”

Girl: “Yes. Where is [Brother]?”

Me: “Let me get him.”

(I knock on my brother’s door and find it locked.)

Me: “Hey. Some girl is waiting for you.”

Brother: *no reply*

Me: “Hello!”

(This is before cell-phones, and he doesn’t have a room phone, so I intercom the living room phone, which is on a separate system.)

Me: “Hey. [Brother]’s door is locked and he’s not answering. Who’s the visitor?”

Aunt: “[Brother]’s girlfriend. He himself let her in the gate.”

Me: *bangs on door* “Hey! What’s going on? That’s your girlfriend downstairs!”

Grandpa: “Huh?”

Me: “Do you have the key? Something isn’t right.”

Grandpa: “Yeah, hang on.”

(My aunt, cousin, and the girlfriend all come up.)

Girl: *bangs on door* “Hey, you s***! I’m here!”

(My grandpa gets the key and opens the door to find… an empty room. Also, an opened window.)

Grandpa: “Where is that boy?!”

(We start organizing a search of all the rooms, all the while apologising to his girlfriend, who is very confused and starting to get pissed. Then, my grandpa looks out the window. We’re on the second floor.)

Grandpa: “[Brother]! He’s lying on the flower bed!”

Us: “What?!”

Girl: “What in the world?”

Grandpa: “He must have gone out the window and fell! Call an ambulance.”

(We scrambled to him and noticed he hadn’t cracked his head or anything; he just had some scratches. He woke up after we slapped him a few times. What really happened? His girlfriend’s parents are locksmiths, and she wants to be one, too. My brother wanted to impress her by locking his door, and then picking it when she came up. Their date, however, was at the hospital getting his head checked. It was fine, thankfully.)

Boring Is Quiet

, , , , , , | Related | February 8, 2018

(When our daughter is only two weeks old, my husband and I are admiring her as she wiggles around, making her baby noises.)

Me: “She’s just so precious. I don’t want her to ever grow up.”

Husband: “Nah, she’s pretty boring. I can’t wait for her to be one or two, when she’ll be entertaining and fun to play with.”

(Jump forward to her being 13 months old. She has started a phase of running in circles, and yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, non-stop, for fun.)

Husband: “Oh, my God! Make it stop! My head hurts! Why is she so loud? Why are you laughing?”

Me: “Remember when she was just a newborn, and you said she was boring and you couldn’t wait for her to be a toddler and be more fun? Careful what you wish for.”

(He says he wants three more kids. Let’s see how that goes.)

Unhealthy Conversation

, , , , | Related | February 2, 2018

(My dad’s American and my mom is from the Philippines. Every couple years, we visit Mom’s side of the family. One of my cousins has a new girlfriend, and all the aunts and uncles are excited to meet her for the first time. My parents and I end up being unavailable when he brings her to meet the family, so later we ask my aunt, that cousin’s mom, about her.)

Mom: “So, how did it go? How was she?”

Aunt: “Healthy.”

Mom: “Okay? What was she like, though?”

Aunt: “Just healthy.”

(I asked my mom about this later, and she confirmed that my aunt was saying the girlfriend was fat. No other indication of her personality or accomplishments, just that she was fat. As much as I like being Filipina, they can be savage, and I’m glad I don’t spend a lot of time with that side of the family.)

The Mother Of All Comebacks

, , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I am 24, and I have a coworker who is 37. She had her first child at age 14. She did very well in life, beating a lot of statistics about teen parents. She finished high school and even got Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. She eventually got married in her twenties to another man and had children with him. But she would be the first to say that teen parenting is not a good life choice, and she is very vocal to teens about smart sex choices. This occurs when we’re talking about family drama.)

Coworker: “Trust me. I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Coworker: “I have a daughter who is basically your age!”

Me: “And you’re not old enough to be her mother, either.”

Coworker: “Touché.”

Grand Theft Double Standards  

, , , , | Working | January 12, 2018

(My mother and I are out shopping and she wants to pick me up the new game for Christmas to be sweet. I, in turn, have just purchased her a nice bottle of wine, which I am holding in a state bag. We go to [Video Game Store]. A woman and her son, who is around 16, are in line in front of us. The cashier is male and probably 20 years old.)

Son’s Mom: “I want to buy the new [Grand Theft Auto] game for my son.”

Cashier: “Oh, sick, man. It’s rated ‘M’ for nudity and violence, though. Like, you get to go to strip clubs and stuff!”

Son’s Mom: “I didn’t know that.” *to her son* “Did you know that?”

Son: “Yeah, that stuff is kind of part of the franchise.”

Son’s Mom: *shrugs and buys the game*

Cashier: “You’ll definitely enjoy it, man!”

My Mom: “Hi, I would like to buy this game.”

Cashier: “Are you buying it for her? It’s rated ‘M’ and there’s a bit of female nudity and violence. I really can’t recommend it to someone under 17.”

My Mom: “It’s a good thing that she’s never seen female nudity or violence in her 23 years she’s been alive.”

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