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The Misogyny Starts Early, And It’s Coming From Inside The House

, , , , , , | Working | September 6, 2021

My husband and I are expecting our first baby and just found out we’re having a girl. I am talking with a coworker who is also pregnant and having a girl, as well.

Me: “We just found out we’re having a girl!”

Coworker: “And you’re happy about that? You didn’t want a boy first?”

Me: “Not really. I’d be happy either way, but I am really excited to be having a girl.”

Coworker: “Is your husband disappointed?”

Me: “Uh, no. He’s thrilled. He was actually really hoping for a girl; he’s probably more excited than I am.”

She didn’t say much after that but I got the impression she wasn’t happy about having a girl.

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Space: The Father’s Frontier

, , , , , | Related | September 3, 2021

My surname is Kirk, and my wife took it when we got married. Shortly before she got pregnant with our first child, both her grandfathers — James and Thomas — passed away. We’ve just found out our child is going to be a boy, and she wants to honor them by naming the child after them.

Me: “My dearest, darling wife, you know that I love you more than anything else on this earth. I’m absolutely thrilled that you want to honor your grandfathers by naming our son for them. They were both wonderful men.”

I drop into a crouch so I can speak to our son inside her belly.

Me: “And, son, I love you more than anything else on the planet besides your amazing, wonderful mother. It is because of my very great love for you that I will refuse to let you be named ‘James T. Kirk’ as long as I am alive when you are born.”

Wife: “What are you going on about?”

It suddenly clicks in what I’ve just said.

Wife: Oh! Yeah, that would be bad. Thanks for catching that, honey.” 

Our two wonderful sons were born three years apart. The older has the middle name of James, and the younger has the middle name of Thomas. I love them and my wife more than life itself.

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Extended Family Extending Your Confusion

, , , , | Related | August 2, 2021

My father is trying to get me to remember his aunt, whom I haven’t seen since I was ten. My father’s branch of the family migrated into a different country before I was born, and we only really meet up with the rest of the extended family once a year during the family reunion. And after my grandparents died, we stopped attending these get-togethers.

Father: “She’s married to [Uncle].”

Me: “I know the name, but not the face.”

Father: “The GP.”

Me: “The one with the big house?”

Father: “I don’t know if the house was big?”

Me: “Okay, the one with the exercise equipment downstairs?”

Father: “Uh, I don’t remember.”

Me: “The one with chocolates downstairs?”

Father: “That’s an even worse description! No, he was [Cousin #1]’s father.”

Me: “Who?”

Father: “[Cousin #2]’s father, as well. You went to his wedding in Greece.”

Me: “That was when I was six. I don’t remember.”

Father: “He’s [Cousin #3]’s father. You know, [Cousin #3]’s wedding was the other year.”

Me: “Wait, the twins?”

Father: *Relieved* “Yes, the twins. [Cousin #3] and [Cousin #4]. [Aunt] is their mother.”

Me: “You should have just said that from the get-go.”

Father: “How do the twins get remembered so easily and not their more successful brothers? They’re unremarkable and air-headed bimbos.”

Me: “Are you seriously asking why a ten-year-old boy found his hot twin cousins more interesting than two stuffy, nerdy men?”

Father: *Totally serious* “Yes!”

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Love Is In Their DNA

, , , , , , | Related | June 24, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: Violence

Back in high school, my brother had a fling with a classmate of his. Nine months later, she showed up on his doorstep with a baby and claimed it was his. My brother didn’t even question it. He filled out the forms required for custody, signed the birth certificate and everything, and took the baby in as his daughter.

As you can imagine, EVERYONE wasn’t happy with my brother’s decision.

It was pretty obvious what happened. His classmate was rather promiscuous. Whoever was dating her at the time took one look at her baby and was like, “She’s not mine,” and walked out on her. So, she thought back on which guys she’d been with nine months before and chose the one who was most likely to take her baby off her hands before flouncing off.

My dad was especially pissed at my brother. He was adamant that the baby wasn’t his and that she should be adopted off. However, my brother stuck to his guns.

Brother: “She’s mine. End of story.”

I’m pretty sure he was in denial, but he didn’t slack off on parenting, no matter how harshly he was criticised by literally everyone else in his life. He also absolutely refused to have a DNA test performed.

Fast forward six years. My niece was the spitting image of her mother. By this point, the entire family had warmed up to her. My brother was married and had a baby boy now. His wife was the perfect stepmom. Life was happy…

…with one notable exception: my dad.

Dad, being the stubborn man he is, was still adamant that my niece wasn’t my brother’s and wanted to prove that.

So, one day, when he was on babysitting duty, he took my niece to a clinic, and they took her blood. They also took her cheek cells for good measure. Dad also submitted his own DNA and told my niece not to mention anything to [Brother].

Instead, [Niece] told her stepmom, and my sister-in-law told my brother… who promptly went ballistic.

[Brother] is never — and let me repeat this — NEVER angry. Frustrated, yes. Annoyed, quite frequently. But anger? Never. He’s the most mild-mannered guy I know.

So imagine the depths of his rage that he grabbed our father — a man twice his size — by the collar and slammed him against a wall. A screaming match ensued, and my brother gave Dad a black eye to hammer in this one point: [Niece] was his. End of story. No ifs, ands, or buts. My sister-in-law also got really weepy and promised my niece that she would always be her little girl, no matter what.

After the shouting match:

Dad: “You can’t fight blood. Wake up, son. She ain’t yours. Never will be.”

Brother: “F*** blood. [Niece] is my daughter because I say so. And I will go to the ends of the g**d*** universe for her if I have to.”

Dad: “You’ll see. Oh, you’ll see once that test comes in.”

Sometime later, my mom’s birthday arrived, and the whole family came to celebrate. Ever since the fight, my brother had avoided Dad like the plague, but he always had a soft spot for Mom, so he brought his whole family to the dinner party.

Once the food was finished, Dad suddenly pulled out two things: a birthday cake with “I f****** told you so” on it in frosting and a large envelope. He showed us the label on it. It was the DNA test.

Dad: “And now, for the moment of truth. Indisputable proof that [Niece]’s mother played the cuckoo on us.”

He opened the envelope and pulled out the results sheet. He then read it and rocked back in utter shock, desperately rereading it. Dad then collapsed onto his chair, looking like he had seen a ghost, and I took the test from him.

[Niece] was my brother’s.

I passed it to him and his wife and their faces lit up. My sister-in-law squealed and hugged her stepdaughter. My brother said nothing but turned the cake around so that the message on the frosting faced our father, instead. We all then hugged [Niece], laughing at how she really was blood.

My father was so shocked that he spent the rest of the evening catatonic. Once he got over it, he actually apologised and tried his best to make it up to my brother’s family, but it never really happened.


This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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Babies Are Magical, No Matter Where They Come From

, , , , , | Related | June 10, 2021

My parents are both female. For pretty much my entire childhood, I never questioned how two women could produce a child. I just assumed it was possible. Then, when I was ten, we had sex education in school, and I learned that two women couldn’t have babies.

So, the question was, whose daughter was I?

[Mom #1] was blonde and I had blonde hair, but everyone agreed I really looked like [Mom #2], and I had seen pictures of her pregnant.

I got really excited about the idea that my parents were magicians and somehow magically conceived and birthed me. So, I excitedly went home and eagerly asked my moms how they did it.

It turns out the sperm used to impregnate [Mom #2] came from [Mom #1]’s brother.

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