The Family Tree’s Branches Can Get A Bit Twisted

, , , | Related | October 7, 2019

(My nephew is three and is just learning to talk and understand. My dad is playing catch with him.)

Me: “Dad, we’ll be back.”

Dad: “Where’re you going?”

Me: “To the market, Dad.”

Nephew: “Hey! Dis is grampa! Not Dad!”

Me: “He’s my dad and your grampa!”

Nephew: “No! He’s your grampa!”

(Guess we should work on the family tree explaining later. Though, to be fair, I recall thinking my mom’s name was Mom and my sister’s name was Sister as a kid.)

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The Mother Of All A**holes

, , , , , | Working | September 26, 2019

(I’m a cashier. It’s slow, so while we’re cleaning around the front, we’re talking. It’s also Mother’s Day, and while I don’t have a mother, I celebrate it with my grandma, who raised me.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], doing anything for today?”

Me: “I’m taking my grandma out to dinner after work.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, nice! What about your mom?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t have one. I just do all the Mother’s Day stuff for my grandma.”

Coworker #1: “What? Everyone has a mother!”

Me: “No, that’s completely false. I don’t have a mother.”

Coworker #1: “Why not?!”

(The reason is VERY personal. Only a few people outside of my family know.)

Me: “It’s none of your business.”

Coworker #1: “You probably did something and she disowned you. It’s because you’re a [lesbian slur], aren’t you?!”

(Another coworker, who’s also a good friend of mine, hears this and comes over.)

Coworker #2: “Okay, no. First of all, [My Name] is gay, but that is neither related to that situation or anything bad. Second, she’s right; you don’t need to know why she doesn’t have a mother. Third, you watch your mouth around here.”

Coworker #1: “Why did [Manager] hire a [lesbian slur]?! You’re just gonna try and get in my pants!”

(My other coworker goes to get the manager. I just look at the cashier.)

Me: “…[Coworker #1], I don’t want in your pants. I have standards.”

(She was suspended for her comments, since a lot of other coworkers complained about her.)

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From The Floor To The Corps

, , , , , | Related | September 24, 2019

(I am holding my two-month-old, and she’s getting to the point where she’s “trying” to stand up… so I help her stand. I served in the Marine Corps.) 

Me:  “Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door.”

Two-Month-Old: *big, smiling grin*

Wife: *glares at me* “Can we let her be a princess for a bit before she becomes a Marine?”

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The True Joker Origin Story

, , , , , | Related | September 14, 2019

(When I become pregnant with our third child, my husband and I decide to spring for the at-home blood test so we can find out the sex of the baby as soon as possible. Both the blood test and subsequent ultrasound show that we are having a boy. The rest of the pregnancy is spent preparing for our second boy: picking a name, buying cute boy clothes, etc. The day of the birth arrives — I have to have a cesarean — and we are excited and nervous to meet our son. I lay on the operating table, my heart rate accelerating with the anticipation of meeting my new baby. The wail of a newborn fills the air, and I find myself breathless for just a moment. “He’s here,” I think. But then I hear this:)

Doctor: “It’s a healthy baby girl!”

(The best part? She was born on April Fools Day. All I can say is, well played, baby girl. Well played.)

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School Can’t Prepare You For This Kind Of Life

, , , , | Learning | August 28, 2019

(I work at an elementary school. I am talking to one of my students at recess and the conversation turns to the local hockey team.)

Student: “My grandma’s boyfriend used to play for [Local Hockey Team].” 

Me: “Really? That’s so cool!”

Student: “Yeah, except now he plays for [Different Team]. Well, he’s not really her boyfriend. They’re dating, but they’re not official. They’re waiting until he leaves his wife. He doesn’t want to divorce her yet because they have two daughters and he wants to wait until they’re eighteen. If he breaks up with her now then she’ll go crazy and blame it on him. So they’re not official yet.”

Me: “Um… That’s nice.”

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