Falcon Royale

, , , , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

(I am a small child. I am with my family at a country park in the grounds of a castle on a warm summer day. There are some groundskeepers from the castle staff putting on a falconry display. They are flying them into trees then calling them back, having them chase a fake rabbit, letting the kids handle some of the smaller ones, etc.)

Falcon Handler: *indicating to the falcon’s leg* “Okay, see this little thing around his leg? Can anyone tell me what that is?”

(Silence from the crowd of young children, all looking a bit confused.)

Falcon Handler: “I’ll give you a clue. It’s in case he flies away and won’t come back. What do you think this does if he flies away and won’t come back?”

(One child of about six or seven years old slowly raises his hand, looking very uncertain.)

Falcon Handler: “Yes! You! What does this do if he flies away and won’t come back?”

Child: “Explode?”

(Turns out it was a tracker and not a lethal explosive escape deterrent.)

Transcanine

, , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2018

(I’m meeting with some friends of mine to show them my new puppy. [Friend #1] just recently came out to us as a trans man and [Friend #2] has been going above and beyond to make him feel more comfortable.)

Friend #1: “Your puppy’s so adorable!”

Me: “Thanks! His name is Simon.”

Friend #2: “Did you just assume the dog’s gender?!”

(We both stare at her.)

Friend #1: “He’s a German shepherd, [Friend]. I don’t think he really cares what his gender is.”

(Thankfully, now that she’s beginning to figure out that [Friend #1] doesn’t actually take offense to every little thing that might supposedly sound transphobic like “assuming” an animal’s gender, [Friend #2] is becoming less overzealous about protecting his feelings.)

Got To Have Thick Skin For These People

, , , , | Friendly | November 26, 2017

(I suffer from psoriasis and so my knees often appear scraped up and scabbed over. Most people who don’t know my skin condition assume I’ve fallen and hurt myself, which doesn’t bother me. This assumption, though, I just can’t even fathom. I am sitting at a park watching my siblings play when someone comes up and asks me this gem:)

Stranger: “Excuse me. But do you have leprosy?”

Six Red Flags Going Up All At Once

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2017

(I work at a historic fort that has six flags flying over the site every day.)

Visitor: “How do you get the flags to fly in the same direction?”

Shifting Responsibilities

, , , , , , | Working | September 25, 2017

(Our director has to do the scheduling himself and he soon discovers this is far too “complicated” for him. He starts using an online programme; everyone can easily put in whether they’re available or not. Soon, the director starts changing schedules at the last moment, sometimes scheduling people in only one night before. I fight this myself by checking the schedules as soon as they are ready and putting every free day on “unavailable.” However, this doesn’t mean he stops making changes, like changing my starting time from 10 am to 9 am the night before. I live quite close by and I can use the money, so I only protest this if his demands are impossible. One morning, I and several colleagues have our starting times changed to 9 am. I overhear the following conversation between the director and a guy who comes in 20 minutes late.)

Director: “You were supposed to be here at 9 am! You can’t just show up later! You always must follow [Online System]!”

Coworker: “I know, but I only saw the change this morning. Last night, I wasn’t home, you see.”

Director: “You should have installed the app on your phone.”

Coworker: “My phone isn’t a smartphone. You’d better give me a call next time.”

Director: “Erm, no, we don’t do phone calls!”

(Some people seem to think they’re always right, even when reality contradicts with their view.)

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