Live Free Or Twihard

, , , , | Friendly | February 20, 2021

I am sitting on a bench reading a book. As it is old, my mother has made it a plastic cover to protect the original from fading. There’s a group of men on a nearby bench, and one of them has been glaring at me and making comments to his friends that I can’t quite hear. I’m starting to get uncomfortable and decide it is best to leave, but as soon as I close my book, the man gets up and trots up to me.

Man: “Hey, you haven’t been reading that long. What, did something happen to your favorite fairy?”

Me: “My… what?”

Man: “Do you actually think vampires are all shiny and broody like that? God, all you teen girls like the same trash.”

I stare at him, trying to process what is happening, and then it finally hits me. The plastic cover of my book is black, and this guy probably confused it with a rather trashy popular vampire novel. I take my book back out, remove the cover and show it to him.

Me: “Actually, this is a collection of Lovecraft’s works. I also carry Dracula with me, since I am almost done with this one.”

Man: “Oh… um, those are… very good reads… I, um…”

He stuttered all the way back to his bench, where his friends were pretending not to know him. 

For the record, I dislike [Popular Novel] with a passion, but I do not attack people for reading it. Hey, at least they read.

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We Happen To Know Several Boys Who Are VERY Cute

, , , , , , , | Friendly | February 4, 2021

I’m walking through a park and a very sweet puppy comes over to say hello. I don’t pet it in case that isn’t okay with its owner, but I greet it as warmly as I can.

Me: “Hey, cutie!”

The puppy’s owner whirls round to glare at me.

Owner: “He’s a boy, actually!”

The owner stormed off, pulling the poor puppy behind him. I didn’t think puppies had a concept of gender, let alone one so fragile that being called a cutie might threaten one’s masculinity.

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Where Would Jesus Park?

, , , , , , | Right | January 5, 2021

It’s a lovely day and my husband and I decide to just go to the local state park and enjoy the day. While I can walk, I can’t go far, so for good distances, I use a wheelchair and have a legal placard to park in reserved handicap spaces.

We pull into a handicap spot and put up the placard, and I am waiting for my husband to get the wheelchair for me when an SUV pulls into the next spot beside us. I watch as the woman gets out and starts to walk away. Not seeing a placard, I ask my husband:

Me: “Can you see if there’s a handicap tag?”

Husband: “There isn’t.”

I call to her and she walks back.

Me: “Why are you parking in a handicap space without the required tag or card? It’s a $250 fine for doing so, and there are regular spaces not that much further back.”

She points to the Jesus fish on her trunk.

Woman: “That’s all the permission I need.” 

I reported it to the park office and the SUV was gone when we decided to leave. I hope she got a ticket for it. If she did, she probably tried to argue that her Jesus fish protected her and how dare they expect her to pay the fine.

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From Now On, This Is What We’re Calling ‘Em…

, , , , , | Right | January 4, 2021

I overhear a tourist on the phone at a park that has lots of peacocks.

Tourist: “There’s blue disco chickens everywhere here, man…”

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Karma Is Sweet And A Little Muddy

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2020

I’m taking my dog for walks in the linear park — a former railway line — behind my house. Although I’m middle-aged, I have arthritis, so I walk with a cane.

As I’m walking, I see three teenage boys on bicycles coming towards me. And then, I can suddenly tell they’ve seen me, too. The atmosphere changes.

I call my dog over to me, stop walking, and stand to one side of the path. They speed up on their bikes and I can now hear them using ableist slurs between them. I brace for trouble.

As they pass, one of the boys sticks his leg out, aiming to catch my cane with it and send me tumbling.

There is a flaw in his plan. My walking stick is light and thin… because it’s made of reinforced carbon fibre. And I have my full weight bearing down on it.

His foot hits my cane and suddenly he and his bike are going in different directions. His bike smashes into a tree whilst he crashes to the ground, into a big muddy puddle.

Big brave boy on his bike about to knock over a “cripple” is now muddy and wet, and his bike is damaged. So he bursts into tears.

I burst into laughter, and then my dog and I walked home. I think even my dog was laughing at him.

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