(I am in a camping goods store in a shopping mall, buying a present for my husband. The cashier is helping me when he answers the phone.)

Cashier: “Yes, we’re on the second floor. Yes, walk through the food court. No, left.”

(Another cashier completes my purchase, whilst the first one keeps trying to explain directions on the phone, rolling his eyes. After a painful five minutes, he gets off the phone and states that the gentleman calling wanted step by step instructions on how to get to the easy-to-find store.)

Other Cashier: “I hope he’s not coming for a compass!”

(This story was told by a friend of mine. He’s visiting a model shop where he’s a regular, and he’s chatting with the owner.)

Owner: “Have you heard of any issues with mispacking of [Popular Giant Robot Anime] models?”

Friend: “No, why?”

Owner: “Some of the boxes of [expensive grade] kits have turned out to have [large-scale version of lower-grade kit, that comes packed in a box the same size] in them.”

Friend: “Have you tried taping the boxes closed?”

(A week later, my friend visits again.)

Owner: “Some of the customers are complaining that taping the boxes closed devalues them.”

Friend: “And are these the people who normally buy [large-scale version of lower-grade kit]?”

Owner: “Yes.”

Friend: “And have you had any issues with mispacked kits since you started taping them up?”

Owner: “No.”

Friend: “You see, to stop an a**hole, you’ve got to think an a**hole.”

(And with that, the realisation of what certain customers had been doing dawned on the owner.)

(I spot a confused-looking customer walking back and forth across the store with a bunch of bananas in her hand.)

Me: “Excuse me. Do you need a hand with anything? You look a little lost.”

Customer: “Oh, yes, please. Could you tell me where I’d find the little plastic bags you put fruit and veggies in? I want to put my bananas in one, but I can’t figure out where they’d be.”

Me: “The plastic bags you put fruit and veggies in?”

Customer: “Yes, where are they.”

Me: “They’re in the fruit and veggie section.”

Customer: “Oh! Is that where they are? Thank you so much.”

(I watched, speechless, as she walked over to said section, right up to the banana stall that she’d clearly already visited, and took a bag from the very obvious roll of bags attached to it. It’s not the fact that she didn’t spot the bags the first time that gets me — although that is odd because they are really obvious — but the fact that she’d wandered all the way over to the other end of the store to see if we kept the fruit and veggie bags there.)

(I am tidying up my department when I come across an expensive pair of sunglasses that someone has left behind. I pick them up to take to the counter.)

Me: *to my coworker* “Look at what I just found.”

Coworker: “Ooh, those look nice.”

Me: “Yes, if I can’t find the owner, I’d like to keep them myself.”

Coworker: “No, I’ll take them; give them to me.”

Me: “No, I don’t think so. Anyway, I found them.”

Coworker: “But I saw them first so I should have them.”

Me: “You saw them first, when?”

Coworker: “I was walking past [department] and saw them on the shelf.”

Me: “You didn’t pick them up?”

Coworker: “No, I was too busy, so they should be mine. I’ll take them now.”

Me: “Nope, they legally have to be kept for two weeks to give the owner a chance to claim them, so I’ll put them in the office.”

Coworker: “Oh, anyway, a customer was looking for glasses earlier; she asked if I had seen any.”

Me: “Okay, did you get her phone number?”

(It’s standard to take details in case we do find property.)

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Well, if she comes back they will be in the office.”  

([Coworker] had a spoilt-brat, sulky look on her face for the rest of the day and pretty much ignored me. Three months later, I was tidying the office and came across the sunglasses which had been hidden by someone and forgotten about. I did end up with a lovely pair of sunnies.)

(I recently started supervising examinations for a university and some of the questions I get called over to answer are painfully obvious)

(1 minute after the announcement saying that it’s the last 15 minutes and student aren’t allowed to leave)
Student: I’m done, can I leave?
Me: I’m sorry, it’s the last 15 minutes and no one is allowed to leave
Student: (points) But that person is leaving
Me: They already halfway gone when the announcement happened, I’m sorry but you can’t leave.

Student: What does this word mean: re-it-a-rate?
Me: … Say again.
Student: What does this word mean: re-it-a-rate?
Me: Nono, that’s what it means: ‘say again’

Student taking Biology Exam: Can you tell me where the appendix is?
Me: I’m afraid I can’t answer that