Make Some Noise About Them Making Some Noise

, , , , | Friendly | December 2, 2018

(One of my neighbours comes home at four am with at least five people. They stand on the balcony, making a lot of noise, waking up my eighteen-month-old and three-year-old.)

Me: *from my balcony* “Excuse me. Do you know what the time is?

Neighbor: “Umm… About four o’clock.”

Me: “Oh, you do know what time it is. So, you’re just an insensitive jerk, waking everyone up, then. Good to know.”

(They all go quiet and can hear my kids crying with my husband trying to get them back to sleep.)

Neighbor: “Sorry about that.”

(They all went inside, then left. The next day, my neighbour knocked on my door with a six-pack of beer for my husband, a box of chocolates for me, a teddy bear each for my kids, and an apology for all of us.)

Medication To Cure Delusions Of Self-Importance

, , , , , | Right | November 28, 2018

(The phone rings.)

Me: “Good morning, [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “I need to speak to the pharmacist.”

Me: “Sorry, the pharmacist is consulting at the moment. Maybe I can help you?”

Customer: “No. It’s super urgent. Only the pharmacist can answer this question.”

(Luckily, the pharmacist has just finished consulting.)

Me: “Oh! The pharmacist has just finished consulting. I will put you on.”

Pharmacist: “Hello? [Pharmacist] speaking.”

Customer: “What time do you guys close?”

Put Our Service To The Test

, , , , , | Friendly | November 27, 2018

(My husband and I own a four bedroom house — two up, two down. As my husband is disabled and uses a wheelchair or crutches to get around, we have converted the downstairs bedrooms and bathroom into one big suite, as he also works from home and uses the second bedroom as his office. Our long-term boarder — a guy in his late 20s — is moving out soon, so we post an ad on a popular free website advertising for someone working full time or studying to rent the second bedroom upstairs. They would be sharing the second bathroom and a small lounge room with our boarder until he moves. We have quite a few interesting people come to have a look, but this girl and her parents take the cake. The girl is eighteen and about to start university; her parents come along as they will be paying her rent. We chat for a bit, and they meet our boarder briefly before he leaves for work. Before I show them around the house, the mother asks to use the toilet, so I show her to the half bath we also have on the ground floor. A few minutes later, she comes back.)

Mother: “I saw the room. So big, and the en suite is brilliant. We’ll take it.”

Me: *confused as the ad had pictures of the medium-sized room and bathroom* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you must have looked at our room. The room available is upstairs.”

Mother: “Oh, no. We want the room down here. It’s perfect, with the extra room for her to study and a nice big bathroom.”

Husband: “Ma’am, that is our bedroom. If you’d like to see the available room, [My Name] will show you upstairs.”

Wife: “No. [Daughter] will be a guest in your home. We will not pay [extremely reasonable price for a fully-furnished room including all bills] for her to be stuck in a tiny room upstairs and share a bathroom with a junkie pedophile. The room down here is perfect.”

(Now I’m getting angry, as the ad clearly states that the room is upstairs, and that the top level will be shared with our boarder, who will actually be moving out to go to the police academy.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is obviously not going to work. Thank you for coming, and good luck finding something to suit your tastes.”

Mother: “What? We are guests here and are willing to pay good money for the room. Now, she will move in on [date]. And since you’ve upset us, we will not be paying the first two weeks’ rent or paying a bond.”

(I’m seeing red, so my husband steps in again.)

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine, but you are going to have to pay for a lift to be put in — as I can’t get up and down the stairs — a remodel of the bathroom to accommodate my wheelchair, and an extension to be built for my office, as I run my business from home. All up, I’d say $80,000 should cover it. If we get started tomorrow, it may be ready by [date].”

(The father, who has been silent the whole time, starts laughing while the mother is spluttering.)

Mother: “What?! No, she will be a guest in your home; you need to cater to what we want.”

Husband: “Ma’am, I think it’s time for you to leave.” *to the daughter* “Miss, good luck with university, and I hope you find suitable accommodation.”

(The mother grabs the daughter’s hand and drags her out, yelling that they’re guests and  that we should cater to what she wants, and leaving the father behind.)

Father: “I’m so sorry about her. Things like that are the reason we split up. I’m only here because of my daughter. Thank you for your time, and I sincerely apologize for my ex-wife’s behavior.”

(We did end up getting a student in, and it worked out brilliantly. The father, who was a CEO of a big company, even ended up hiring my husband to build and maintain the company’s new website. The young woman ended up finding accommodation in a flat with other students, and in the end, cut all ties with her psychotic mother.)

Unfiltered Story #126527

, , | Unfiltered | November 14, 2018

(I overhear this between a customer an employee at the return desk)

Customer: “I’d like to return this and get a refund. I didn’t like the flavour”

*The customer shoves a opened, half eaten chuppa chup to the employee”

Employee: “I am sorry ma’am, I cannot refund this. You have already opened it and half eaten it”

Customer: “WHAT?! You WILL give me a refund this. I DONOT like the flavour!. Give me my  refund of 35cents back!”

Employee: “I am sorry. But because you have already opened and half eaten this, I cannot refund it.”

*The customer stormed off*

Not Just The Watermelons That Are Hollow

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2018

(I am going grocery shopping with my mum when she stops to pick up a watermelon. To my bemusement, she brings the melon up to her ear and starts hitting the side of it.)

Me: *staring at her* “Um…. what are you doing?”

Mum: “[Uncle] told me this trick with watermelons! You hit it, and you can tell by how it sounds whether or not it’s fresh.”

Me: “So, how is it supposed to sound if it’s fresh?”

Mum: “That’s the thing; I forgot! It either sounds hollow if it’s fresh, or hollow if it’s not. I forgot which one is which!” *continues picking up watermelons and hitting them*

Me: “Well, what’s the point of banging on them all if you don’t know what sound you’re looking for?

Mum: *pauses*

Me: *stares*

Mum: *resumes her assault on the watermelons*

(I’ve given up trying to understand the logic in this woman’s thought processes.)

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