Cookies Don’t Cause Cancer

, , , | Right | May 15, 2018

(I live in Australia. I work at a petrol station and as it is around Christmas time, our work has bags of cookies we can give away free to customers. A customer has just finished paying for her fuel.)

Me: “Would you like a complimentary cookie today?”

Customer: “Oh, no! I can’t possibly have that; it’s summer season! I have to watch my figure!”

(Having heard this from a lot of people that day, I let it go and wish her a good day. She then turns back around.)

Customer: “Oh, I almost forgot! Could I get a pack of [cigarettes]?”

Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 7, 2018

(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*


, , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A coworker comes to the back of the store. She looks angry.)

Me: “[Coworker], what’s wrong?”

Coworker: “Stupid, rude customer just reported me to [Store Manager] and says she is going to report me to head office for being racist.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Coworker: “Nothing. I was serving a customer at the counter when I heard someone calling out from [Department]. They wanted someone to come and help them find something. I called out that I would be with them in moment when I finished serving. When I went over there, they demanded to see [Store Manager] and accused me of being racist because I didn’t come straight away.”

Me: “Could you see them from the counter?”

Coworker: “No, they were at [section].”

Me: “With two aisles of stock separating you? There’s no way you could have seen them; don’t worry about it.”

(She calms down and heads back to her station. [Store Manager] comes back, looking flustered.)

Store Manager: “That b****! First, she accused [Coworker] of being racist. I pointed out that where she was, there was no way that she could have even seen her. I was with a customer and saw the whole thing. She said that because she is Iraqi, she was ignored.”

Me: “But [Coworker] is Iraqi.”

Store Manager: “I pointed that out; now I am being reported for being racist, as well.”

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Unfiltered Story #109665

, , | Unfiltered | May 2, 2018

(It’s the middle of December, and I’m working in my cousin’s computer shop doing some repairs. It’s been a relatively easy day for me – a couple of HDD wipes, a replacement optical drive, changing over an old laptop’s OS. Then, a guy in his late 20’s walks in carrying a brand new tower from a serious computer gaming rig – complete with partially external water cooler – and complaining about his PC rapidly overheating to the point where it crashed and wouldn’t start back up. Slightly unusual, but it’s summer and the temperatures can get up into the mid-40’s here. It happens. I start out by checking the intake fans.)
Me: OK, your intake fans aren’t the problem. You might want to give the filters a clean, but it’s nothing serious. You mind if I open this thing up?
Customer: Go ahead.
(I take the walls off the case, and at a glance the cause of the problem becomes glaringly obvious. The fancy water cooler, which would normally act as the CPU’s heat sink, isn’t stuck in directly above it. It’s all wired correctly, but somehow the water cooler isn’t attached to the CPU.)
Me: Um, I think I see the problem. There’s no heat sink on the CPU.
Customer: But I don’t need one. I’ve got the water cooler there instead.
Me: That water cooler is the CPU’s heat sink. It connects to it just like a fan heat sink would. How did you manage to wire all this, but not attach the water cooler properly?
Customer: (stunned) I… I don’t know. Can you fix it?
Me: I can, but it won’t be cheap. At the very least, this thing I gonna need a new CPU, probably a new motherboard, and I’ll have to test the other components in here to make sure you haven’t fried them as well.
(Upon hearing this, the customer lets out a deep sigh of resignation)
Customer: Shit. How long until you can have it up and running again?
Me: A few days, hopefully. Longer if the graphics card is busted – I’ll have to order that in from Sydney. Everything else is pretty easy to get, though.
Customer: Fine. Do what you have to, let me know when it’s ready for pickup.
(I take down his information, then after he leaves, start testing the components in his PC. The CPU and motherboard had to be replaced, but luckily for him, everything else was in working order. Four days later, I called him up to come pick up his PC – with the water cooler properly installed as the CPU’s heat sink. I still have no idea how someone could wire it correctly, but mess that up.)

It’s Not The Solution Except When It Is

, , , , , , | Learning | April 26, 2018

There’s a stereotype that the more academically intelligent or successful you are, the less likely that you have “common sense” intelligence. This was never truer than in my chemistry exam eight years ago. Despite being part of the “nerdy” group in my class, I wasn’t feeling confident with chemistry at all. In my anxiety, the weekend before the exam I managed to complete every single past exam that I could get my hands on, dating all the way back to the mid-90s. My head was whirling with about 15 years’ worth of formulas and equations, and I finally felt ready for the exam. All that practice did pay off, as I found most of the exam fairly straightforward, right up until the last question.

It was a long question divided into multiple parts, and it started off okay, asking me standard questions like writing out the correct formula, identifying the product of the reaction, naming the molecule in question, describing its structure, and so on. Everything was fine… until the very last question completely threw me off.

The question was, “Why wouldn’t you place this molecule atop a Bunsen burner?”

I stared at the question for several minutes, completely stumped. There hadn’t been any questions on the dozens of practice exams I’d completed that were in any way reminiscent of this one. It was only worth one point, but I couldn’t think of what to write. I ended up writing something ridiculous, like, “Because Bunsen burners are hot,” or something equally stupid.

After the exam, my nerdy group of friends gathered together outside the classroom and we all pondered over that last question. None of us had figured it out; we had all been equally baffled. Then, finally, one of my friends slapped her forehead in frustration.

“Oh, my God, you guys! It was alcohol!

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