For a while, I was getting a lot of scam calls — mainly the Microsoft virus one. Hanging up didn’t stop them, and they kept changing numbers, so I couldn’t block them. So, I figured I might as well have some fun with them. The first call after I decided this:

Scam Caller #1: “Hello, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft because your computer is infected with a lot of viruses.”

Me: “Oh, you do know I have a Master’s degree in computer science, right?”

I don’t.

Scam Caller #1: *Click*

That was over so quickly, I thought I needed to step up my game a little. So, on the following call:

Scam Caller #2: “Hello, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft because your computer is infected with a lot of viruses.”

Me: “But I’m Amish.”

Scam Caller #2: “What?”

Me: “I’m Amish.”

Scam Caller #2: “What does that mean?”

Me: “It means I don’t believe in owning or using modern technology.”

Scam Caller #2: “Oh. Does that mean you don’t have a computer?”

Me: “That’s right. I don’t even own a telephone.”

Scam Caller #2: “Oh. Okay, then! Bye! Have a good day!” *Click*

I stared at the phone the caller had just been talking to me on before bursting into giggles.

I am aware that my explanation of Amish culture was very simplified and probably not entirely accurate. I wasn’t trying to be factual, just trying to confuse a scammer, and it worked! I didn’t get any more calls after that one.

I work for a store that sells most items at seventy-five percent off and has large price tickets showing the original price and the discounted price, which we always place at the right hand top corner on the front of the product.

A customer asks me the price of one item.

Me: *Looking at the price tag* “It’s $19.99.”

Customer: “No, that’s not right. It’s too much.”

Me: “It’s discounted from $79.99.”

Customer: “No, that’s not the right price. Look, it says the price here.”

The customer points to a small white sticker on the back that has the product description and a product number.  

Me: “Sorry, but that’s the product number.”

Customer: “No, it’s the price. It says three eighty-five right there, and that’s all I am paying.”

She will not listen to a word I say, arguing back until I get fed up.

Me: “Okay, you can have it for that price.”

A smug “I win” smile comes to her face until I continue with:

Me: “That will be $385, thanks.”

Customer: “WHAT? No, it’s $3.85! How did you come up with that price?”

Me: “The number is written right there. As you can see, there’s no decimal point between any of the numbers, so it’s three hundred and eighty-five. Come to think about it, there’s no dollar sign before the number, which indicates that’s not the price, but you said that was the only price you were going to pay.”

The customer called me a b**** before storming off.

Some young-looking customers are trying to get into an eighteen-rated film. They’ve presented some IDs, but they look a bit suspect, so I am asking them some questions.

Me: “What’s your date of birth?”

Customer #1: “July 1st, 2005.”

Me: “Okay, and you?” *Turns to [Customer #2].*

Customer #1: “That’s my brother, so he’s coming with me.”

Me: “Okay, but he still needs to be over eighteen. So… date of birth?”

Customer #2: “October 12th… two… thousand… and… five?”

Me: “You’re brothers?”

Customer #1: “Yes.”

Me: “And you were born four months apart?”

Customer #2: “We’re twins.”

Customer #1: *Smacks his brother on the back of the head* “You total berk!” 

They still went to see a film… a nice family-friendly PG film.

We have one problem customer who in the past has “returned” items claiming that the box he took home was empty. He has tried this at different stores in our state, so we didn’t make the connection straight away until our regional manager recognized him from another store.

He stands next to me at my checkout and opens the box for the item being sold after the customer has bought it.

Customer: “What are you doing?!”

Regional Manager: “I’m checking to make sure all the items are in the box.”

Customer: “Why?”

Regional Manager: “All part of the service! We’d hate for our customers to get home and find that they’re missing some vital component.”

He then takes a photo of the inside of the box while holding up the store copy of the receipt next to it.

Customer: *Apparently angry* “Now what are you doing?!”

Regional Manager: “Just documenting for our records.”

Customer: “You’ve never done this before!”

Regional Manager: “Sadly, some customers try to scam us by buying the goods and then claiming a refund on an empty box, claiming it came that way.”

The customer is silent and goes a shade of red.

Regional Manager: “Always that one customer that ruins it for the rest of us, eh?”

The silence continues.

Regional Manager: “Anyway, everything here seems to be present and accounted for, and we have this photo linked with your receipt, so you should have zero problems with this transaction.”

He adds a psycho smile for the finish:

Regional Manager: “Have a nice day!”

His face and the transaction details were sent to every store manager in the state and surrounding states. That b*****d actually tried to return the empty box one state over. The store manager there had been sent the picture of the receipt and the full box and simply showed it to the customer saying, “This you?”

I wish I could have seen the look on his face.

I work in a store that has a lot of thefts. Calling security is never an option because they take ten minutes to arrive, even when there was a fight at the registers that ended up requiring the police and multiple ambulances.

Because of this, people get away with a lot of things, to the point that we have a recurring customer who’s stolen more than he’s ever bought.

This isn’t that customer, but the other week, I was serving a customer who asked to take cash off his EFTPOS (electronic funds transfer at point of sale) card. Not a big deal, but it failed so many times he said to just cancel the order and just walked out while I cancelled the cashout order. That’s when I realised that he also took out the entirety of his cart — about $50 of deli meat.

Of course, I knew I was going to get written up and just marked it as a loss. At least we know what he took.

A few hours later, he came through again, his order at $400 now, full of a lot of premium silverware, cosmetics, and the like. Plus, he wanted cashout. On the same card as before.

I said sure and put his groceries on my other side, so he wasn’t in arms reach of any of it, before setting up for the cashout.

Instead of using his card, he immediately asked:

Customer: “Why did you move the bags?”

Me: “I’m looking to clean the area while you finish your purchase.

That was a lie, but I couldn’t tell him that I suspected he was a thief.

I didn’t even mention the previous shop, but he immediately started yelling at me.

Customer: “Give me my bags! You’re refusing to sell to me because I stole earlier!”

I hadn’t mentioned it at all.

It took a few minutes for the manager to arrive and take over the man’s shop. Turns out his card still didn’t work, and with a huff, he just left.

So, I got two write-ups that day — one for a $50 loss and the other for suspecting a thief — but I got praised by Loss Prevention, so it was a roller coaster of a day.