Goat Ya To Admit It!

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2019

(Every Saturday for eight weeks, a friend and I sell knitted and crocheted animals that we made at a craft fair. Most of the proceeds go towards a children’s cancer charity and the rest go toward covering the cost of materials. It’s the last week of the craft fair and I’m approached by an irate lady while my friend is taking a moment to browse the rest of the fair.)

Lady: “I bought a stuffed rabbit from you a month ago for my children and I’m completely appalled! The entire thing unraveled a few days ago!”

(All rabbits we had for sale were made by me, so I’m horrified that I might have made and sold an inferior product.)

Me: “Oh, no! I’m sorry! I must not have tied the ends off as well as I thought I did!”

Lady: “I expect a full refund for it for the trouble it caused me!”

Me: “Normally, I don’t accept refunds, but if it really did just unravel for no reason, I’ll be able to make an exception just this once, provided you have it with you.”

Lady: “Of course. It’s right here.”

(She reaches into her purse and removes what once was a realistic Dutch rabbit, and I’m horrified by its condition. It clearly didn’t “just unravel,” as it’s completely filthy and looks like it was chewed apart by an animal.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t offer you a refund since this clearly didn’t unravel for no reason. It looks like your dog ate it. Did your kids maybe leave it where it could get a hold of it?”

Lady: “She’s not a dog; she’s a goat!”

(There’s a beat as she realized what she just said.)

Lady: “Right. Do you maybe have another one I can buy to replace it with?”

(Later, when my friend returned to the table, I got to tell her all about the crazy lady who tried to scam us out of the $25 she paid for a rabbit and had her top my story with one about a man who complained that his tarantula wouldn’t play with the cat toy that he had bought from her.)

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The Screen Exploded, And The Customer Is About To

, , , , | Right | August 12, 2019

(I work in a cell phone store. A young client comes in with what I later learn is her legal guardian.)

Client: “Hey, you need to send this s*** to be repaired. It’s not working.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Client: “Well, it was really cold outside, and all I did was touch the screen and it exploded.”

(I take a look at the phone.)

Me: “Unfortunately, this is not covered, as it would be considered ‘user damage.’”

Client: “What? It’s not my fault; it was the cold and this s*** phone!”

Me: “First of all, glass is non-insulating, so it is not possible that winter breaks your glass. Furthermore, you can clearly see bite marks along the edge of the phone, as well as these scuffs indicating fall damage.”

Client: “But the glass is not the problem! I have trouble touching icons and sometimes it calls on its own!”

Me: “The digitizer—” *pane which registers touch* “—is basically glued to the glass, so yeah, you’d have trouble with it if the glass is broken.”

Client: “But this s*** phone still calls on its own in the middle of the night, even when I turn it off! I turn it off and it calls on its own! That’s why my bill is so high!”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You shut your phone down and it calls on its own, in the middle of the night?”

(Incredulous, I took a look at her bill. Not only was she over her minutes by a large amount, but the calls were all placed during the day. All in all, I ended up finding a plan that better suited her needs, despite her constantly spitting out insults about my person and the phones, my favourite being, “Pawn shops don’t accept your phones because they are crap!” We deal in high-end devices.)

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First Come, First Served: It Doesn’t Take Brain Cancer To Understand

, , , , | Right | August 12, 2019

(I have gotten sick. It was suspected to be a brain tumor, but it later turns out to be an inner ear infection. My mother and I are at a store; she’s standing in line and I’m standing back looking at a display.)

Mother: “We should move up ahead in the line!”

Cashier: “We can’t do that, unfortunately.”

Mother: “My daughter has a brain tumor! You’re discriminating!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry. It’s first come, first served.”

Me: *comes up behind her and steps on her foot*

Mother: “But she—OW!”

Me: “It’s a friggin’ inner ear infection, not brain cancer. Quit lying to do that.”

Other People: *staring*

Cashier: “Thank you!”

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No ID-ea How Much Trouble They’re In  

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2019

(I work in a liquor store. A girl enters who I recognise as being part of a group of 16- and 17-year-olds that hangs around the area.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer #1: “Can I have a bottle of that vodka?”

Me: “Okay, can I see some proof of age?”

(She hands me a valid UK driving license, but noting that she has a different facial structure and hair colour to the picture, I question her on the details on “her” card.)

Me: “Can I ask your date of birth?”

Customer #1:Mine?

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer #1: “27th of February.”

(The ID I am holding says 2nd of August.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not going to be able to serve you, or give you this ID back.”

Customer #1: “You have to; it’s not your property!”

Me: “It doesn’t appear to be yours, either.”

Customer #1: “I’m calling the police!” *storms out*

Me: “Have a good evening…”

(Fifteen minutes pass and I am aware she is still outside the shop as customers comment on her erratic behavior as they enter. She comes back in a few times to insult me while still on the phone. She re-enters a final time.)

Customer #1: “The police are coming! So, are you going to give me my ID?”

Me: “I cannot return this ID to anyone but its rightful owner, and then they need another form of valid ID. You can tell them they have a week to pick it up here before it is sent to the police.”

Customer #1: “You’re stealing my ID; that’s theft!”

(A second customer introduces himself, stating he has witnessed everything.)

Customer #2: “Hi. I’m a police officer.” *shows his police ID* “And I’m not on duty, but I think you should leave the store now.”

Customer #1: “But he’s stolen my ID. Bouncers don’t take my ID at clubs!”

Customer #2: “Well, they should.”

Customer #1: “Fine! My mom’s a police officer; I’ll get her to come down here.”

Customer #2: “My advice to you is that you don’t do that.”

Customer #1: “She always backs me up and she knows I’ve got this ID!”

(The police officer and I glance at each other, realising the girl has just implicated her mother, a police officer, as an accessory to identity fraud.)

Customer #2: “My advice to you is that if your mother were to come down here, and if she did, in fact, know about this ID, she would certainly lose her job.”

([Customer #1] storms out in a huff.)

Me: “Thanks, man.”

Customer #2: “Oh, no problem. I saw the whole thing. You did well to stay calm.”

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The World’s Least Fun Game Of Tag

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2019

Customer: “So, I have these two swim cover-ups, and you guys forgot to take the security tags off.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that! I can get those off for you, but if I could see a receipt, that usually makes security happy.”

Customer: “No, but I swear to God I bought them here.”

(I take the swimsuit cover-ups out. They have no tags, but the security devices are similar to ours. However, the brands are not two I recognize.)

Me: “Are you sure you got them here? These don’t look familiar to me.”

Customer: “Yes, some girlfriends and I were shopping for our cruise a few months ago, so I bought them right here on clearance. They were only, like, fifteen dollars.”

Me: “We didn’t have swimsuits or cover-ups a few months ago, especially not on clearance. We just moved swim back up here from downstairs last week. We’re at [Retail Chain]; are you sure you didn’t mean to park outside [Other Two Anchor Chains]?”

Customer: “No, I bought it here. Right up here, in that corner over there. I bought them right here. I swear to God, I did, I bought them right here. They weren’t that much money.”

Me: “Okay, but my computer isn’t even showing that we carry these brands. So I’m just going to call a manager, okay?”

Customer: “Do whatever, but I need those tags off. I’m going on a cruise and I need them today. I don’t have time for this.”

(The manager comes and hears the whole story, and we have security Google who carries the brands. They are a [Different Retail Chain, not in our mall] exclusive brand.)

Manager: “So, you really will have to go over there and get these off. See?” *shows her on her phone that they aren’t our brand* “I’m afraid it isn’t our policy to remove other people’s security tags.”

Customer: “I didn’t buy them there! I’ve never gone there! I bought them here; I always buy things here. I swear to God they were on clearance. I bought them right here. I don’t know why you won’t believe me.”

Me: “Well, the problem with that is that I’m here 40 hours a week, every week. We did not have swim up here a few months ago; it was downstairs. We did not have any clearance, and those brands are [Different Retail Chain] exclusives, meaning we don’t carry them, we can’t carry them, and we never carried them. So, we can’t take off the security tags because they aren’t our merchandise. I don’t know else I can say this.”

Customer: “You are wrong. You are both wrong. I swear to God! I got them here!”

(My manager ends up taking them off and the customer leaves.)

Manager: “I didn’t really see how else we were going to solve that situation, so security said to just let it go.”

Me: “Well, if she did steal them, we know it wasn’t from us.”

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