Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

Food Chain Brain Drain

, , , | Right | May 11, 2009

(I work at a supplement store, and a customer asked if we had any samples other than what was available at the register.)

Me: “I do have this omega-3 dark chocolate if you’d like to try it. It’s made by a chocolatier instead of a supplement company, and you really can tell.”

Customer: “I love dark chocolate! I’ll try that.”

Me: “Wait… if you can’t have fish for whatever reason, then you can’t have this. The omega-3 in here comes from fish.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I stopped eating meat, but I still eat fish.”

Me: “Well, if you want to get technical about it, fish is meat.”

Customer: *shocked* “REALLY?!”

Me: “…well, it’s not a vegetable.”

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

, , , | Right | May 8, 2009

(I am working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walks up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What?! Why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot… Like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”


This story is part of the Spicy roundup!

Read the next Spicy roundup story!

Read the Spicy roundup!

While We’re At It, Let’s Find Your Lost Marbles Too

, , , , | Right | May 6, 2009

(I’m a cashier at a grocery store and recently lost my voice. I just cashed out the following customer…)

Customer: *to supervisor* “She was very rude! She didn’t speak to me once during the order!”

Supervisor: “I apologize for the inconvenience, ma’am, but this cashier has lost her voice.”

Customer: *totally serious* “Oh. Are you looking for it?”

The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

, , , , | Healthy Right | May 6, 2009

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*


Did you find this story using our Emergency Services roundup?

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to get back to the roundup!

Coffeeholics Anonymous

, , , | Right | May 4, 2009

(A customer wanders in and stares around, sighing forlornly for a while.)

Me: “Hello there. Are you okay?”

Customer: *very sadly* “I just miss being able to have coffee.”

Me: “Oh, that is sad! But we do have non-coffee drinks available if you’d like…”

Customer: “It’s just not the same!”

(The customer grabs a bag of ground coffee, opens it, and takes a deep whiff. She then shoves it back on the shelf and runs sobbing out of the store.)