A Harmless Necessary Chicken

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2020

I was inspired by this story to recount my own encounter with unwitting stage fauna.

Some years ago, I was in a summer production of The Merry Wives of Windsor in an outdoor venue. This venue was near a pond and had various birds wandering about. This included a few chickens and roosters.

In a particular scene, a washing basket was onstage at the beginning of a scene. As the actors went about the scene, they noticed they were getting more laughs than usual but thought nothing more than how responsive the audience was. As they got closer to the climax of the scene, they were getting more and more laughs and titters, so they amped up their energy.

In the climax of the scene, Falstaff had to hide in a panic and threw himself into the washing basket…

…to be encountered with a face full of enraged chicken, whose nice cosy resting spot had been disturbed by an actor almost landing on her. Apparently, the hen had been poking her head out of the basket, enjoying the show, to the amusement of the audience, without the actors noticing. The poor chicken took flight, squawking, through the audience, emptying herself on the actor as a final act of revenge. After a momentary pause, during which everyone attempted to pull themselves together, the show resumed. Poor Falstaff had to have a quick costume change.

A Harmless Necessary Cat

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Unfiltered Story #208794

, | Unfiltered | September 19, 2020

I’m at the advance screening (the film got a delayed release to slot into the school holidays) for The Lego Batman Movie, and seated near a couple of kids. At several points in the movie they mention spoilers for events later in the plot. Needless to say I was doing a bit of shushing towards them. They also left a mess on the floor after the movie finished.

Idiot, Identify Thyself

, , | Right | September 15, 2020

This occurs at the end of a call with a customer who has been constantly friendly and funny.

Me: “Thanks for calling, [Customer]! I hope you have a great day.” 

Customer: “Oh, trust me, I will, unlike you. I don’t have to work for a living or deal with idiots like me all day!” 

Cue my bemused shock trying desperately to not agree with him.

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Click And Collect Catty Comments

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2020

We are in a lockdown with the recent health crisis. Supermarkets have a limit on how many people can enter, which is enforced by security at the doorway. Naturally, this means there are lines to access the supermarket. 

I’m immunocompromised, with a condition that means my immune system attacks and fights my organs, so I have to take specific medication that suppresses my immune responses. This puts me in the “vulnerable” bracket to lots of things, not just the new crisis. I’m basically 80% liquid sanitiser and soap at this stage. 

I’ve not been able to organise home delivery for groceries — all the slots were full — and it’s been hard to get anyone to collect groceries for me. But luckily, our store has an option for a “click and collect,” where I qualified to place an online order and pick it up at a special counter at the store. I go in a mask, gloves, and all. 

Part of going for the click and collect, however, involves strolling past the large lines of people waiting to collect my order at the counter. While I have the immune system response of a weak tea bag, I’m in my twenties and look fairly healthy. This, of course, attracts a lot of foul-mouthed comments from people I walk past with my groceries, ranging from “faker,” to “selfish, taking the slots from those who need it,” as well as “hoarder,” for having a full cart and being a single person — it was a normal shop. 

Please, guys, don’t judge everyone. You don’t know if they are themselves vulnerable or collecting for someone else who is.

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That One Is Guaranteed To Have No Calories

, , | Right | September 3, 2020

During the lunch and dinner shifts, we have an all-you-can-eat buffet, including a selection of pizzas, salads, and chips, as well as dessert. It is the Saturday lunch shift. I worked until late last night at another job, and I have only had about five hours of sleep when my manager calls me to ask if I can cover a shift for a girl who just didn’t show up.

In addition to being sleep deprived, I am annoyed at my coworker and peeved that I am unable to do any school work that day because I have to come in. When I am tired, I have a bad habit of being snarky.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

They point to the pizza buffet.

Customer: “Could you tell me what pizzas these are?”

Me: “Sure. This is a pepperoni, that’s a Hawaiian, and those are the spicy and the vegetarian.”

Customer: “What is that one?”

They point to an empty tray. I am unable to stop myself.

Me: “Invisible pizza.”

The customer has a surprised blink and then bursts out laughing. I realise how rude that was.

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am—”

Customer: “That’s all right, dear, that was very clever!”

She had meant to ask what kind of pizza normally went in the empty place. Luckily for me, she had a good sense of humour!

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