Long-Suffering Husbands Can Relate

, , | | Right | July 12, 2019

(A husband and wife are browsing in our shoe shop. She picks up a pair of white shoes from the shelf.)

Wife: “These are perfect, but I want them in black.”

(Her husband picks up the identical black version situated right next to them and shows her.)

Wife: “No… I don’t like those.”

Tag This One As Stupid

, , , | | Right | July 10, 2019

(This customer clearly has English as a first language and is wearing a lanyard for a government department. The customer enters the store, I greet her as usual, leaving her to look around for a couple of minutes, and then I approach her again to see if she needs help.)

Me: “Are you all right looking over there? Is there anything I can help you with?”

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Me: “Absolutely, that’s a free size, and it has a lot of stretch, so it fits from a 6 to a small 14.”

Customer: *looks at price and size tag for a good two minutes* “How much is this?”

Me: “Oh, that’s [price].”

Customer: *still looking at tag* “Oh, I see on here it’s [price], and what does free size mean?”

Me: *internal screaming* “That means it comes in one size, but it’s super stretchy so it fits a 6 to a small 14.”

Customer: “And it’s [price].”

Me: *suppressing the urge to be sarcastic* “Yes, as I have told you, and you can see the size and price on the tag—“ *points to tag* “—just there.”

Customer: “Ooooh, I see!” *waves tag at me* “It says on the tag just here! Okay, I’m off now! Bye!” *dumps item on floor, leaves the shop*

(Y’know when people say things that are so stupid and unnecessary you have to squint a little? Yeah.)

Chicken Soup Works, As Seen On TV!

, , , , | | Right | July 1, 2019

(I work at a rehabilitation facility. The set up of the facility is a community-based one, and is an office, which previously was a residential dwelling. The houses that our clients live in are also regular houses that were previously neighbouring properties until the organisation bought them. Therefore, our houses’ landline numbers end up being contacted often by scam calls. This is hilarious for a number of reasons, given that our client population have all experienced severe traumatic brain injury, and while very independent in some areas of their lives, there are some concepts about the world they just cannot grasp. Scam calls are one. The one doing the rounds at our site at the moment happens to be the good old “your computer has a virus.” While the staff at the office usually deal with this call by immediately hanging up — a tragic missed opportunity in my view — sometimes the clients get these calls, instead. I just happen to be coming into one of the houses to help out one of the clients when I notice him fiddling around behind the television. I notice him on the phone, which he puts down when I come in.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Client: “My device has a virus.”

(I note he is putting blankets all over the TV cables.)

Client: “Well, if it has a virus it must be sick, so I thought blankets would keep it warm and make it feel better.”

(He also needed to be persuaded that chicken soup did not work on TV devices. I am mostly thankful he had no ingredients to attempt to prepare this concoction, or after staff leaving he may have tried this. We did keep a close eye on him and his “Sick TV,” though! Another house receiving a similar call with another client a few weeks later responded with the glorious, “Okay, but what is a computer?” Another client, again in a different house, ended up hanging up on the scammer by pulling the cord for the phone from the wall, thinking that this was “rebooting the modem,” and then, while recalling the event to staff, reported, “I must have fixed the issue, because they hung up and haven’t called back.” I am holding out for when they try the office again and I get to answer. This website has given me so many pro tips!)

She Autism To Know Better

, , , | | Right | June 18, 2019

(I work as a waitress at a popular restaurant. I am a religious person and have just been serving my pastor as a customer. A family comes in consisting of a father, a mother, an older son my age, and a younger boy. It’s the parents’ anniversary. The younger boy gets really excited and talks a little loud, but not disruptively, and flaps his arms about. The arms flapping is what draws my attention. They take their seats and look over the menu. Everything is fine until a woman having dinner with her daughter and daughter’s fiancée at the table beside them decides to speak.)

Woman: “Is there something wrong with your son?”

Mother: *taken aback* “He’s autistic.”

Woman: “What did you bring him in here for? I came to have a nice evening with my family and now I have to listen to your screaming kid.”

Young Son: *confused* “I’m not screaming.”

Woman: “Am I talking to you?! No. Shut up.”

Father: “That was uncalled for. He hasn’t done anything wrong.”

Woman: *glares* “Yet.”

(I go to find the senior staff member, but she had a family emergency and had to leave, so I speak to security and tell them I am going to intervene. A few patrons intercept me on my way and complain about the woman being too loud.)

Me: *walks over to the two tables* “Is everything all right?”

Woman: “Finally, some help. I want this family removed. Their autistic [slur] has been screaming while I’m trying to eat. It is very distracting and annoying.”

(Another important note is that I’m autistic, as well, and I notice she is waving her hands about and avoiding eye contact.)

Me: “Are you aware that avoiding eye contact is a sign of autism?”

Woman: “What?! I’m not autistic.”

Me: “It’s also a sign of lying.”

Woman: “And blindness.”

Me: “I served your table and you read the menu perfectly fine. Other common autistic traits are flapping, and talking loudly, both of which you were doing.”

Woman: *stands up and shouts* “I am not autistic! Autistic [slur]s are demon children. They’re all going to Hell. I am a good Christian woman. The demons can’t make me autistic!”

Me: “One, that’s not how it works. Two, you hate those with autism?”

Woman: “Obviously.”

Me: “He who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Woman: “Love what is good and hate what is bad.”

Me: “Love thy neighbour. Love thy enemy. He who has not sinned may throw the first stone. Even Jesus loved those and healed those actively possessed by demons. He even healed the ear of a man who would be involved in his death, and that man had nothing wrong with him. Now, you’re telling me this little boy is going to Hell for something he can’t change?”

Woman: “God can heal him.”

(My pastor has heard enough, and steps over.)

Pastor: “When Job was sick and lost everything, he prayed for help from God. But God didn’t intervene because he was allowing Satan to test him. He had leprosy. Perhaps God is testing this family, and your words are certainly not making it any easier. Also, that kid has behaved very kindly and good this evening, two fruitages of the spirit, while you have been very hateful and angry.”

Woman: “Well, I… They’re not even Christian!”

Me: “And your example will make them convert, how?”

(The woman screams in a huff and marches out, leaving her daughter and fiancée.)

Me: *to the family* “I’m sorry for that.”

Mother: “It’s not your fault. That isn’t an uncommon thing.”

Me: “If it is of any condolence, I’m autistic, as well.”

(She started crying, and the daughter of the woman decided to pay their bill. The pastor also spoke to me and said he would have intervened earlier, but I beat him to it.)

Because All White People Come From New Zealand

, , , , | | Right | June 18, 2019

(I work in a store that is predominantly staffed by foreigners, but I am Caucasian. A customer approaches my till.)

Customer: “Hi, there.”

Me: “Good evening.”

(I start scanning the woman’s sizable cartload of groceries.)

Customer: “I’m so glad to see a white person behind the till for once!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I am so sick of dealing with all these foreigners every time I want to buy some groceries! I’ll be sure to come back here when you are working in future!”

Me: “Uh, ma’am? You may leave now. I will not serve someone as incredibly rude and racist as you.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you won’t serve me?!”

Me: “Exactly what I said. Leave now. You will not receive service here, from me or anyone else.”

Customer: “How dare you?! I demand to speak to your manager at once!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Let me call him over for you.”

(I call the manager on duty over to my register. The manager in question is a Chinese immigrant.)

Manager: *in a thick Chinese accent* “What’s the problem?”

(The customer’s face turned paper white, and she virtually ran from the store, leaving all her groceries behind. My manager turned to look at me, but it took ten minutes for him to get an explanation because I was laughing so hard.)

 

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