The Golden Rule

, , , , , | Friendly | March 14, 2019

(I have had platinum blonde hair for all of my childhood and right into my mid-late 20s. In this story, I am sixteen and my friend is fourteen. We are travelling to school on the bus one morning.)

Friend: *randomly* “You know, your hair isn’t blonde. It’s too pale.”

Me: “Okay, if you say so. What colour is it, then?”

Friend: “I don’t know, but it isn’t blonde.”

Me: “Well, if it isn’t blonde, what is it? Is it black?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Is it red?

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Is it brunette?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Are you saying you think my hair is white?”

Friend: “No, it’s not that pale.”

Me: “So, it must be blonde.”

Friend: “No! I told you! It’s too pale!”

Me: “Soooo, what colour is it, then?”

Friend: “I. Don’t. Know. It’s just too pale to be blonde.”

Me: *smirking* “Okay, whatever.”

(I didn’t bother arguing with her anymore since I was familiar with her intransigent nature. However, being only a mere teenager, I did have a giggle with mutual friends about her claim later on.)

Unfiltered Story #143631

, , | Unfiltered | March 12, 2019

Right, so I’ve written about the joys of having an uncommon name before, and I’ll no doubt do so again, but this particular experience this morning left me feeling especially…. strange, for lack of a better word.
* phone rings *
” Good morning, ******* Irrigation, Jethro speaking”
” Sorry, who am I speaking to? ”
” Jethro, in the irrigation department….”
” Heathrow”
” Aah, no, sorry, that’s Jethro. With a J….”
” Yes”
( From the ‘yes’ above, I’m picking this person’s finally got it…)
” No worries, what can I do for you today? ”
” Heathrow, it’s ****** at ****** here, I had a pump set up by you guys a year or two back, and I’m having trouble….”
( At this point I’m thinking what the hell, just go with it, I’m neither a London suburb, a hedge bordering a wasteland, or the worlds busiest airport, but hey, there are worse names out there..)
After what boiled down to: ” Have you tried turning it off then on again? Ok, hold down the reset button, count to ten, then you should be ok”, The troublesome pump is running beautifully, and all is well.. Just think of me as your I.T. desk for all things water – related.
* I mean no disrespect to my caller here, the system they were dealing with can be a right ‘mare for tripping out after power surges, and the fix, although simple, isn’t always obvious.*
” Ok, so as long as you’re happy with how things are running now, we’ll leave it there, but if the problem shows up again, let me know, if need be I’ll come round and take a look “.
” Absolutely, thank you so much! ”
” No problem, that’s what we’re here for ”
” Thanks again, Heathrow ”
* click *
Yep, that’s ‘Heathrow’…… with a J…….

Over-Priced

, , , , | Working | March 11, 2019

(I am in the mall with my kids, hurrying to drop them to a movie at the cinema in the mall. I see a product I have heard a lot about but not seen in a shop at a pop-up kiosk, and I stop. My plan is to go shopping while the kids are watching their movie, so I want to know if the product is reasonable, and then I will come back and look at the options.)

Me: “How much are these?”

Salesperson: “Well…” *launches into a spiel about benefits of the product, which I already know*

Me: “Yes, but how much is it?”

Salesperson: *repeats spiel, does not give price*

Me: “Right… I have to go.”

(Surprise, I didn’t buy it, but the kids had fun at their movie. A week later, the shop was gone when I went past again hoping to talk to someone else. Maybe it’s just me, but if you refuse to answer a simple question, I am not going to buy anything from you!)

I’ll Have A Black Hole Pizza With A Side Of Nothing

, , , , , | Working | March 2, 2019

My girlfriend and I and our flatmate decided to pop in for a pizza. It was a quiet night, and we decided to eat in. A round of drinks was ordered and delivered, and a pizza was ordered. Then came the waiting…

And the waiting…

After about thirty minutes, in a quiet restaurant, only three other tables occupied, still no pizza. We called over a staff member and asked politely about the whereabouts of our meal. He said that he would look into it.

Five minutes later, he returned to our table to tell us that our pizza was “lost”! Apparently, somewhere between the kitchen and our table, our pizza had mysteriously vanished into another dimension or something. It may have made its way to the pizza buffet instead of being delivered to our table as ordered. That’s cool — mistakes happen — so he tells us that another pizza is being made and will be delivered as soon as it’s ready. Meanwhile, more drinks are ordered, and we are told that our pizza will be free of charge.

Fair enough, mistake made, rectified, compensation of free pizza, and we’re in no hurry, so we settle down and wait…

And wait…

And wait some more…

Another twenty minutes pass, which is a long time to wait for a pizza that is being made especially for us to replace the earlier lost pizza, so again, we inquire politely of our waiting staff, paraphrasing Oliver Twist, “Please, Sir, may we have some?” A look of horror crosses his face, and he beats the well-worn path to the kitchen.

He returns very swiftly, and sadly empty-handed. He comes straight to the point and says, “I don’t really know how to tell you this, but we’ve lost your second pizza!” He then tells us that a third pizza is being made for us, and that he is going to physically stand next to it, and that as soon as it is ready, he will personally grab it, and deliver it to us.  

Which he does. It’s taken over an hour for one pizza to be successfully delivered the twenty or so feet from the pizza oven to our table! As he delivers the pizza, he is accompanied by the manager of the restaurant. The manager apologises for the apparent black hole in his kitchen, and asks that at the end of the meal we ask for him at the counter.

So, we eat, finally, and at least the pizza is fresh and hot, and quite tasty. After the meal, we go up to the counter and ask to see the manager. The manager comes out to us and apologises again. He asks the cashier for our bill, which he then just tears in half, chucks in the bin, and thanks us for not being d**ks about it.

Still not sure where the pizzas went!

Always Room For A Little Kindness

, , , , | Hopeless | February 28, 2019

I’m on a flight to New Zealand; it’s a 30-hour flight that stops in LA to refuel and change the crew.

The first leg of the flight is literally hell for me. I am a fairly large person and the seats in economy are quite cramped. This would be tricky enough, but the person in front decides to recline his seat — which is entirely his right — but it stops when it hits my knees. He notices his neighbor’s seat goes further back, and so decides that force may help the problem; he slams himself backward whilst holding the recline button. After doing this twice, he notices nothing, and turns around to ask me if there is something blocking his seat… at which point he sees that it’s my knees and sheepishly turns around.

Then, the fact that my shoulder pokes slightly into the aisle means that I am constantly hit by people walking past. The solution is to hold myself in a very uncomfortable position that results in my arm going numb. I practically limp off the plane 12 hours later.

Fortunately, a stewardess notices my discomfort and asks if everything is okay. I explain that I was just so uncomfortable and that it’s no ones fault, but I’m just a little too large for economy. She promises to talk to the handover crew and try and sort me out. Feeling a bit cynical at this stage, I don’t expect much.

To my surprise, when I reboard for the next leg of the journey, a stewardess approaches me and explains that she heard from her colleague how much trouble I had on the previous flight and wants to move me to a seat that has opened up. I get moved to a new seat where there is no one beside me or in front, and during the meal service I get an extra dessert. I pretty much sleep for the next leg of the flight and feel much better when I get off in New Zealand.

To the stewardesses out there who saw my plight and did something for me, thank you!

As a side note, that airline actually changed its economy seating not long after this, giving passengers a few extra inches of width and legroom.

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